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An error has ocurred. Please try againTitle card: For a Few Dollars More (1965)
“Alive or dead? It's your choice.”
Clint Eastwood as Monco For a Few Dollars More (1965)
“Did you think the lion was sleeping because he didn't roar?” Friedrich Schiller (German playwright 1759-1805)
Christopher Walken as Shannon, The Dogs of War (1980).
Bill Dolworth: “Maybe there's only one revolution, since the beginning, the good guys against the bad guys. Question is, who are the good guys?”
Burt Lancaster as Bill Dolworth, The Professionals (1966).
La Valentina
Una pasión me domina Y es la que me hizo venir Valentina, Valentina Yo te quisiera decir
Valentina, Valentina Rendido estoy a tus pies Si me han de matar mañana Que me maten de una vez
"Mad Max" Rockatansky - Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981)
Reviews
Los jaguares contra el invasor misterioso (1975)
The Jaguar Men Against the Mysterious Invader
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Los jaguares contra el invasor misterioso
The jaguar men against the mysterious invader
Quite a curious no-budget movie in the vein of El Santo Mexican wrestling movies. It pits three masked wrestlers, complete with spiffy capes, spotted jaguar shirts, boots and tights, and Aquaman type gloves, who work for some agency or government (?). They are called the jaguars. They don't carry weapons or have any superpowers, and their actual wrestling skills are entirely ineffective against some evil henchmen. Perhaps they should have had some laser rifles at the ready. Apparently they ride motorcycles in close formation through the streets as well. How is that for being overtly sophisticated?
After a female narrator tells us that a meteor has brought alien invaders to earth, they show just "one" alien from behind, so you can't see his face. Some Earth people are also conspiring with him. A bald guy speaking Spanish with a lousy fake German accent. Hilarious. The whole movie simply details one drawn-out chase scene. It involves a man and the daughter of the bald guy scientist who is working with the alien. They attempt to sell some synthetic diamonds and are chased by the jaguar men, some criminal hoods, and the police. Fight scenes are totally inept, gun battles are wholly static and terrible, but you get to see a veritable time capsule on film. It gives the impression of being more like a 1960s movie than a 1970s movie.
It seems like that they added different music in the 1980s, and also imposed some introductory titles. Probably for the video market.
The audio is not very good, so it is difficult to hear what is being said at times. Also, there is a delay in the synchronization of the audio and the movement of the actor's lips. So it is like watching a cheap kung fu movie.
The evil henchmen are actually pretty cool looking. They seem to be wearing wrestling masks, but they have a goatee on them. And they all have the same uniforms and are trained in karate. The alien also finally turns around towards the end, and he is an ape! Then he escapes with two of his little companions in some window time portal. They probably had a sequel in the works but went bankrupt. There was also another movie in the series, Karla contra los jaguares (1974). I wonder what ever happened to the jaguar wrestling team.
At least they left us with two movies.
The movie itself is below average, but it might be great amusement just to watch on a foggy or foul-weather day.
Introductory Spanish students should also have great fun with the movie.
In Spanish with no subtitles.
Con lui cavalca la morte (1967)
Death Rides A Slow Mule
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
A forgotten Spaghetti Western directed by Italian director Giuseppe Vari. It starts off with some nonsense about political schemes in a small town, and the powerful men trying to buy out the land rights from innocent people. A few of them have risen against them, but failed.
Apparently someone sent some important documents with a horse delivery service. And the rider gets stuck in the fight between the innocent folks and the corrupt men in town.
Overall, there are a few interesting touches, but not enough to sustain much interest.
Quella dannata pattuglia (1969)
The Battle of the Dummies
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
This was an incredibly revolting movie experience. I wonder how in the world that a movie so idiotic could be made and sent out to theaters.
The beginning lacked just about everything that resembled an actual movie. Twenty minutes into the movie and you are asking yourself where did your time go? Why has nothing happened? Forty minutes into the movie and you know nothing good is going to come out of the movie experience.
It starts off really slow and boring. You get to meet a crack team of American soldiers. But none of them actually look like genuine soldiers. All of them are numbnuts. On top of that, they are vile, nagging, inconsiderate, and disloyal.
Anyways, they spend their time driving a few miles in the desert. Get attacked by a training plane that is supposed to be a German Messerschmitt ME 109 fighter. Find an oasis with water with relative ease. Then walk a few minutes, and they miraculously reach the German Africa Korps fuel depot, kill a bunch of guards, then blow up the bloody fuel tanks.
At least none of them came out alive.
Incredibly stupid.
Uccidete Johnny Ringo (1966)
Kill Johnny Ringo, Kill!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Stiff-nose Texas Ranger Johnny Ringo comes to town to get to the bottom of a counterfeit operation working in a gambling saloon. People try to kill him, but eventually he will bring justice to town, all by himself, because the villains are all so inept and can't shoot him.
Kill Johnny Ringo (1966) is a pretty standard Italian version of a traditional American Western. That said, it falls below the average category because it becomes quite tedious and does nothing correct like the superior American Westerns.
The main problem is that the director has no flavor for excitement or artistry. All he does is go from point A to point B. And he takes a long time to do it. This dull Western clocks in at 1 hour and 38 minutes. American television episodes of Westerns are a lot more exciting, enjoyable, and interesting.
Monotonous American actor Brett Halsey is also a complete bore. He does not show any emotion or range, and that could be said about the entire cast. They are lackluster, unimaginative and uninteresting.
See it if you can cowboy, but don't expect much.
Super Colt 38 (1969)
Colt 38 Super Killer
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
I recently found my old 1980s VHS tape of this movie. It was an extremely difficult to find movie for many years, but now many sites are offering DVD copies of it.
My version is in Spanish only. The movie has American actor Jeffrey Hunter, who died in 1969, in it. His life was taken by an explosion and its after effects on some cheap movie production in Europe. Apparently he was not getting roles in America so he went abroad. Quite a tragic loss.
The movie also has familiar Mexican actors in it. Pedro Armendáriz Jr., Andrés García, and Mexican director and actor Chano Urueta, who was in Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch (1969), are just a few of them.
Dominican-born Mexican actor Andres Garcia (a popular Latin actor who was concentrating on soap operas before he died) was only about 28 years old here. He could have been a Latin Paul Newman, but films like this did not establish his dramaturgical expression and credibility.
This Western is a typical low budget Mexican movie, except that they brought in an American for it. Jeffrey Hunter plays a lawman who goes hunting for a vicious bandit, who turns out to be an old friend. He draws on Jeffrey Hunter, and loses. Jeffrey Hunter then decides to put the guns away for good. But more bad men are to be found. Will he pick up his guns again? I think you know the answer.
"You got two ways to go, put it down or use it. " - Hombre (1967)
Kanunsuz kahraman - Ringo Kid (1967)
Turkish Ringo Shoots First!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Interesting movie from Turkey, as they were riding the coattails of the 1960s Spaghetti Westerns. Specifically, the Django and Ringo titles.
This one is a Ringo title. It is hardly any good, and it was entirely in the Turkish language. And the copy was faded and blurry, and seeped in bad light exposure.
You can figure it out, even without understanding a word of the language. Ringo goes after bandits that robbed a small town and killed his family. Along the way, he meets up with a couple in a wagon and they fend off an Indian attack. The scene was absolutely ridiculous and hilarious. Turks dressed in cheap Indian clothing get slaughtered.
The guy who plays Ringo actually looks cool, and he rides a horse really well and has a cigarette in his mouth in all the scenes. And the Turkish desert setting surprisingly looks like the old West and is beautiful.
Jessi's Girls (1975)
Once Upon a Time in the Female West
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
If you have watched every Western by now, you will probably be coming up to lower end bargain basement bin movies like this one.
It uses the established formula from Nevada Smith (1966) in which Steve McQueen seeks revenge for the murder of his parents. He is taught how to shoot by the reliable actor Brian Keith.
This time around they make it a female revenge Western, and toss the women's undergarments into the bonfire. The moment was ripe, since feminists were burning their own brassieres in the street, denouncing male overlords, and letting their body hair grow out everywhere.
So, a few female revenge Westerns came out at this time, and also later. Wild Women (1970), The Animals (1970), Hannie Caulder (1971), Apache Woman (1976), Desperate Women (1978), and White Apache (1987).
Were they any good? Nope, they all stunk like fresh cow manure, and were pretty average and below average. The main problem was that they are completely unbelievable. No one who has watched Westerns is going to be convinced that these women can actually handle a revolver, much less survive in the harsh climate of the old West. Another problem was that the movies were wholly preposterous and ridiculous. How many times can you watch a woman shoot a man in the (blank)? It gets weary really quick.
So, director Al Adamson gives us his own inept treatment of the subject. It is dumber than a pile of bricks, and very tedious at times, but surprisingly it is watchable. I said watchable, not enjoyable.
I like that 1950s Western film star Rod Cameron gets to play the old reliable who teaches the woman how to survive and handle a gun. He is barely recognizable because they pasted a dead roadkill skunk on his face that is supposed to pass off as a beard. He hardly gets any screen time either, which is a shame, and probably was only paid bus money for his appearance.
The location shooting is very beautiful, and the final showdown actually has some good stunt work.
There is also a nice Western theme. But after it is played constantly, you will get annoyed by it, and on the twentieth time that you hear it in the movie, you will want to either mute the sound, or toss the television out the window.
Nan quan bei tui zhan yan wang (1977)
Cold, Dumb, & Boring
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
If your idea of a good kung fu movie is having a bunch of boring people sit around a restaurant and yap, then this might hit the spot for you.
The movie has a couple of kung fu actors that are clearly recognizable, and an absolutely fabulous introductory segment, but of course, as usual with these obscure, low budget Chinese kung fu movies, the cool music was stolen outright from a 1970s French movie.
After you get past the hip intro, the movie goes unquestionably into the garbage can. How quick is that for you? Right from the get go. The small amount of fighting is tedious, has annoying angles that make the audience dizzy, and the story is absent. It is just another kung fu movie that the director and producers did not bother to invest with anything interesting.
One idiotic scene has two guys fighting, and one guy sees a snake in the tree, and wants to save the other guy (why are they fighting in the first place then?), but gets bitten instead. Who wrote this nonsense?
Avoid at all costs. Your time may be better spent practicing with nunchucks, or cooking a noodle dinner.
Le salaire de la peur (2024)
The Wages of Stale Pears - truly awful
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Leave it to the French to mangle two of American film director William Friedkin's classic 1970's films.
First, they remade The French Connection (1971) by giving us the awful La French (2014) (The Connection (United States title)). It was a complete snooze fest and had no action at all. It was deadly dull.
Then they decided to redo Sorcerer (1977), but hurriedly put it into a desert setting because it would be a lot cheaper when they learned their budget would have been blown by going out to the wild jungles. So now we are stuck with The Wages of Fear (2024). Unfortunately.
In today's delicate time, you know they are going to ruffle up the script just a tad so no one in the audience will get offended. This includes adding a bunch of sensitive "tough guys", putting in a rugged female character who has the body of a super model but can cripple five men in brawls, and appeasing the political climate by adding the obligatory, different and diverse ethnic characters.
The problem is, it's absurd. Totally awful. Why ride on the coattails of Wages of Fear (1953) and Sorcerer (1977)? Why not just put another generic name on it? Probably because they are banking on the past movies to score some easy movie profit. Thus, they have to slander those other great movies with rubbish like this. Henri-Georges Clouzot and William Friedkin are tumbling in their graves.
The extremely bland tough guys are of the Jason Statham variety. No ability to act, appear overtly smug, grunt, and the capacity to kick everyone's teeth in with the greatest of ease. They have some bald idiot who looks like Vin Diesel, and he is very dull.
The opening of the movie tells you that it is going to be one tough ride to boredom, or hell. A woman is escaping in a truck from some Arabs in another truck, who have an automatic machine gun, but they have no idea how to shoot. They are 2 seconds behind her, and then her truck gets stuck, and tough bald guy comes out in his own truck, and pushes her out, and they escape the Arabs somehow. Supposedly the Arabs got stuck in time and were frozen (?). Then the man and woman make it to their compound, and horsemen come out after the Arabs in the truck. Apparently whoever wrote this nonsense never got the memorandum that horsemen are useless against an automatic machine gun (see Mexican Revolution 1910, Balkan Wars 1912, World War I, etc).
Then they throw in a gratuitous sex scene, for who knows what purpose. Just like that, five minutes into the movie and it is already entirely useless and dumb. The rest of the movie is like hitting your head with a soft brick made from compacted sand.
Most level-headed audience members will probably decide to forfeit watching the rest of the movie. Others, may want to attempt to reach the end. But be warned, you may not make it.
Shôgun: A Dream of a Dream (2024)
A Nightmare of a Dream - terrible finale
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Hopefully this is the final episode, because it was of the highest order of uninterrupted nonsense. Absolutely unbelievable, intolerable, and torpid. While watching it, I felt like I was sinking deeper into molasses. Something just was not right about the whole episode. None of it fit together, or was even connected to the previous episodes.
It starts out with an insufferable shot of the Englishman, as he is probably back in happy old England, on his deathbed. Apparently the writers ruin any sense of suspense in the episode because we already know he was not killed in Japan. He is overcome by old age and appears senile, as he's reminiscing about his younger days in Japan. There was no reason for this scene except for the audience to sympathize with him automatically. Just another useless filler, and he was also an extremely unlikeable fellow. The actor himself has absolutely no range of expression, and the character he plays is unappealing, foul-tempered, and belligerent.
Then they cut to the aftermath of the death of the Japanese translator. They quickly run through a bunch of implacable and entirely useless intrigue which had transpired. It is both lethargic and extremely slow going. Yabushige the traitor feels guilt for the death of the Japanese translator, and then he goes insane a few times. Again, the writers ignore what he was before in the previous episodes. Here, he has now become a doting imbecile. It is a complete shame that the writers would make him appear like that in the ultimate episode.
Then the Englishman is allowed to leave, back to the village from where he came from, just like that. Allegedly, the Japanese translator made a deal with the Portuguese or something. It is absolutely improbable, but he had to be spared for some reason. Yabushige the traitor also goes with him. They find that the Englishman's ship was sunk by some traitor, and that Toranaga is punishing the village harshly. This is the same leader that the audience was rooting for in the previous episodes. He's ordered heads to be cut off and positioned in entrance to the village. Then Yabushige the traitor is ordered to kill himself. He's probably the character with the most sympathy and charm, and they get rid of him just like that. Insipid dreck from the writers.
They pass through more irrelevant nonsense with the Englishman and certain characters that we have seen before, but everything is inherently insincere and unconvincing. Nothing is resolved. And there is no warmth or emotion in anything at all.
The scene with Toranaga and Yabushige the traitor allows the audience to "see" that Toranaga has somehow "won" the military and political maneuvering with his "great plan". It is far fetched and beyond ridiculous. Toranaga at this point is nothing but a power hungry warlord. Of course in reality, every warlord has such common traits, but this is television, and the writers assembled him as a noble man who was wronged in the beginning, and then they deviate so drastically because they think they are being intelligent and have "fooled" the audience. It is a wearisome way to present him. He has no compassion, no tenderness, or no benevolence towards anyone at all now. And he just is not interesting, or engrossing as a character or leader. The writers have been a major disservice to his characterization.
Before Yabushige the traitor kills himself, Toranaga tells him that the consort mother of the noble son, had pledged allegiance to him. And a few of the other lords switch sides as well. This, after the previous episodes showed us that they were all rigidly against Toranaga. So now Toranaga, in a hypothetical battle in his mind, has won it all. You can scratch your head on that one. It makes no sense at all.
The Englishman's in-house consort now wants to run off and become a "nun". I don't know where that came from, probably from the writers watching El Cid (1961) or Excalibur (1981). Here they had a strong Japanese widow in the previous episodes, and now they make her appear weak and insipid. And she is going to go hide in a nunnery. Okay, the writers build up the feminine characters, and then later make them appear lamebrained and witless. Especially when they made the Japanese translator throw herself in front of the explosion.
And the Englishman is now a ship builder, and Buntaro, who hated his guts before, helps him and the villagers to pull out the wreckage of the ship. Supposedly Toranaga wants the Englishman to build him a fleet. This, after the Englishman curses Toranaga to damnation. More head scratching. Later, we also learn that Toranaga used the Englishman, and that the Englishman used him, and everyone seemed to have used everyone else, and it was all for some "plan". What plan? I am attempting to analyze this plan, but there was none. It was merely terrible and slothful writing that wanted to appear clever, but it turned out that it was entirely incomprehensible, tedious, and obtuse.
This back and forth nonsense takes up a considerable amount of the episode, and it does nothing to satisfy the resolution of the ending. The writers are attempting to weave some type of profound thread, with the meaning of life and death, but they come up drastically short, and should go read some more Albert Camus. Notably, about humanism and humanity, because that is one component that this show completely lacks.
Thusly, after ten narrative episodes, we fundamentally are left with a meaningless and vacant ending and totally uninspiring conclusion.
A horrid final episode, a complete waste of time and investment.
Final conclusion: Shogun (2024) is a vastly overrated series that has no redeeming value or qualities. It is empty and devoid of any sincere drama or proper human empathy, and it seems to rely on amoral characterization and extreme transitory story writing. The characters also lack clarity and compassion, and no chemistry exists between any of them on the screen.
Final grade for series: D -
Shôgun: Crimson Sky (2024)
Crimson Pie - another awful episode
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
The other episodes were written horribly, but this one adds a large heap of astonishing implausibility to the mix.
I mean the whole episode is so utterly useless and vapid. Anyone with analytical skills will be questioning the validity of the deficient writing.
The Englishman, Yabushige the traitor, and the Japanese translator all go to the capital.
The Japanese translator is given the limelight in this episode. I mean they really layer it up so atrociously that you'd think that the whole series was only about her. Well, in this modern version it 'is' only about her. She was complaining about living and not being allowed to die in the other episodes. Here, she is given the chance to kill herself, and she fails miserably. And the Englishman wants to help her by cutting her head off. Okay. What a great lover he is. By the way, only male samurai were given an option of ritual suicide in Japanese culture.
There is a ridiculous plan that she attempts, when she wants to leave the castle, and she shows us her uh, samurai "skills". It was absolutely ridiculous to watch. For a moment, I thought that she was actually going to be victorious against the ten guards before her, but she just gave up and lost her wind. I guess the writers actually came to their senses by not having her single-handedly killing all the male guards.
Then they threw in some ninjas, who are great for killing guards, but get killed easily by the Englishman and the Japanese translator. And then they blow her to bits when the said ninjas use explosives to crush up a door and she martyrs herself for the "great cause". But I am sure it was just a cliffhanger, and in the next episode, she will be resurrected in some nonsensical manner. Or it is just Toranaga's plan again. His "great" plan, as the writers want us to believe he is a master tactician. I can't believe how unconvincing his "plan" is. This Toranaga has sold everyone down the hole, just so he can sit on the military throne. But he's got "ethics". Whatever. Surprisingly, he is completely absent from this episode, probably still at home with that cold. In the first few episodes, Toranaga had the possibility to be a very interesting character, but the writers botched that up, and he became a torridly bland character who does nothing at all.
And we don't exactly know who sent the ninjas, because the entire series is a big deception. It is probably Toranaga who did it, since that was obviously his "hidden" plan all along. And if that truly is the case, then this series has been a major disappointment. But we are supposed to be crying tears for the death of the Japanese translator? The writers are being so fatuous, and don't stick any true sense of reality. Are Toranaga's enemies really as stupid as the writers of this episode will have us believe?
I am hoping the next episode is the last, because the entire show is so tedious and dreadful. They are just plodding us along in these extremely pointless episodes that are vacuous and unintelligent. I am not even sure that this Shogun should have been made.
In fact, I am absolutely sure of it after watching this episode.
Postscriptum: The worst acting award goes to whoever played the Japanese translator's son.
Shôgun: The Abyss of Life (2024)
The Abyss of Lies
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Well, not much to say about this episode except it was even more of a digression from the others in terms of absolute coherence. Shoddy, haphazard, and aimless writing permeates it. A lot of the characters are "rewritten" to be completely opposite from what they were in the other episodes. It is as if a bunch of English majors with no idea of Japanese culture took part in it.
It is distracting and takes away from the overall story development. The Englishman is still written as an ill-mannered, discourteous, and impolite sod. He sees one of the European sailors in town by some "chance", and they have a fight. Okay. A truly pointless scene. He was so concerned about the crew throughout the other episodes, and now he nearly killed a man from his old ship. And he also turns against Toranaga. What a surprise. And then there is talk of "loyalty" in all the episodes, and yet it is all purposeless and of no value because of the way the Western writers have constantly flip-floped in their approach. This series is nothing like old Japanese samurai cinema, which relied heavily on believable drama. But apparently everything we are watching is part of the great "plan".
The Japanese translator's husband is also portrayed as a nice chap now. He makes tea for his unresponsive wife, and later, even cries like a baby. Buntaro was probably the only interesting character because he was opposed to the snotty Englishman, and his extreme aggression was the only diverting thing to watch.
And they throw in more meaningless nonsense about the brothel and the Portuguese church. Whatever.
If you have not guessed, Toranaga has had something brewing that only he knows about. (As if we should care at this point). We are left in the dark, but he will probably unleash that ludicrous plan with the silly name. He allows his old ally and friend to die? For what, to confuse the enemy? That is the worst piece of junk writing I have ever seen. He is an utterly trivial and boring character at this point. In this episode, he has a bad cold and he meanders around like a slothful worm. You would hope that they wrote some more gusto into his limp self, but no.
There are absolutely no likable or pleasant characters in the entire series. There are just a bunch of disagreeable, mercenary, self-regarding louts. And this episode really cements that. I have been disappointed in the characters in the past, but this episode makes it clear that the writers have absolutely no duty to the audience, or no duty to the characters themselves. The series is nothing more than an empty cartoon. The Englishman has no importance anymore, and to top it off, they made him even more fickle in this episode.
But we are supposed to root for Toranaga? Well, I think not.
Shôgun: A Stick of Time (2024)
A Waste (Stick) of Time
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
At this late in the episodes, there really is no longer any hope of the series getting any better. We are beyond that. The writers have dedicated themselves to making the series ridiculously meaningless and insensible.
The beginning of episode 7 has the aftermath of a battle, with a young Toranaga played by a Western kid. Apparently they had no Japanese kid available. He helps his defeated enemy commit ritual suicide. Yeah right. I guess this scene is to establish that Toranaga is familiar with war and death. Even though he probably just sat on his horse during the actual battle. Ridiculous.
Then there is the owner of the brothel, who gets an audience with Toranaga. What was the point? Only the writers know. They also put in a spear training scene with the widowed woman living with the Englishman. To show us that women can fight on equal footing with men. Okay.
And then the Englishman is reduced to nothing. I mean he is no longer prominent for some reason. Except his old usual tactic of being a crackbrained whiner. He offends everyone at the meeting by storming off and cussing at Toranaga's men because supposedly Toranaga threw in the towel to his brother, who was going to help him, but then turns out to be a traitor. More shoddy writing.
Toranaga's son also kills himself by slipping on the loose robe of Toranaga's brother, who for some reason was at the brothel partaking in perverted acts. He cracks his skull. Just like that. The scene is so unbelievably stupid and counterfeit. You wonder why would the writers resort to more silliness to move the story. But they have been doing it all along. Slow ships and boats "racing" each other, a samurai returning miraculously from a sure death, an inescapable ambush in the forest averted, a sudden earthquake, etc. You get the point.
Contrived and pointless scenes litter the entire episode.
And now at this juncture, we can only guess the ending and how the scatterbrained writers are going to tie it all together in some astounding and miraculous manner.
Mr. & Mrs. North (1952)
Mr. & Mrs. Jellyfish
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
I watched about ten episodes of this snooze fest before ultimately calling it quits. Richard Denning (Unknown Island (1948), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), Target Earth (1954), Day the World Ended (1955), Creature with the Atom Brain (1955), and The Black Scorpion (1957)) is married to Barbara Britton, in what seems like the most dull marriage ever imagined.
They get stuck in silly situations where some murder or mystery just happens to follow them. What baffles me is how this sleuth-solving duo actually solved anything at all. Richard Denning is written to be an invertebrate weakling numbskull and simpleton. Barbara Britton is written to be a courageous and plucky woman. I don't care if the man is portrayed as a blundering idiot, but Barbara Britton has as much personality as a bag of corn starch. She is eminently boring. And so is Richard Denning.
Luckily each episode clocks in at 25 minutes, and they canned the series at season two. Watching it is a real trip to snooze-ville.
Shôgun: Ladies of the Willow World (2024)
Ladies of the Hollow World
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Another dismal episode, to be quite abrupt about it. There is a lot of useless background storytelling that rushes quickly, so that most viewers will be scrambling to comprehend what exactly is going on. I had no difficulty myself, but the sloppily assembled history of the Japanese translator is a tedious modern way of hurrying through unimportant details.
And then the Englishman is made admiral, and also put in charge of the artillery unit. All that because he saved the Japanese lord's life in the ridiculous earthquake scene. Brilliant writing. An Englishman who constantly whines about wanting to go back home, and yet in the first episode he was whining about discovering the Japonés. Now he is to be trusted with a navy fleet and artillery unit? Okay. Brilliant writing.
This episode also has an enormous feminist bias, and it overshadows the entire plot and historical reference that was present in the first two episodes.
My conjecture in Episode four that the Japanese translator was somewhat important has come true. Like you could not see that silliness coming.
There is also an inordinate amount of time at the local brothel that goes absolutely nowhere. You think they would throw in a good samurai fight or something by this point. But they discuss the intricacies of "tea pouring". All while the after effects of a major earthquake are forgotten. Just an inconsistent storyline that is swept under the rug.
And the outcast Japanese lord's army was destroyed in the earthquake, and yet he formulates a plan to storm the other rival lords' main castle. Brilliant writing.
And then there are plenty of Lady Macbeth themes taken right out of Shakespeare, except that they are not handled with dexterity or finesse like you see in the excellent Akira Kurosawa's Throne of Blood (1957), Andrzej Wajda's Siberian Lady Macbeth (1962), or Roman Polanski's Macbeth (1971). It is absolutely incredulous that a concubine courtesan consort who bore the heir because the wife was unable to, is now pulling all the political strings.
Anyone who has thought about giving up on this imprudent, frivolous and empty-headed series will probably jump ship by this point.
Shôgun: Tomorrow Is Tomorrow (2024)
Tomorrow Is Yesterday
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Follows in the footsteps of the horrible previous episodes. At least they are consistent in that manner.
The idiotic scene with the boats and ships? Utterly unrealistic. Preposterous. This is the type of dumb things that we are forced to sit through, cartoon fantasy scenes.
The English steersman was supposedly starving and had scurvy on the long trip to Japan, but when he took off his clothing to swim, it appeared that he had been at the gymnasium recently.
Terrible writing, I don't think that the series will improve much. But I'll still watch it to the end. Like a man on a sinking ship.
Shôgun: Servants of Two Masters (2024)
Servants of Two Dullards
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
The second episode proves that the first was not the worst. It is proving to be an exceptionally badly written series, with extremely unlikeable characters.
Hopefully a few good things will come from this pathetic and pitiable series. Japanese mom and pops restaurants will have some business, people will buy some Japanese history and art books, and that they will also look to the past for the excellent Japanese film directors, who include Akira Kurosawa.
Intelligent people will avoid the series, the masses will probably flock to it like rats to stale cheese.
Stick with the original version and the book itself. This version is useless and horrendous. A complete waste of time.
Shôgun: Anjin (2024)
Anjin or Antman?
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
It seems that the producers hired the most annoying, uncouth, asinine, and boorish Englishman that they could find. Where did they find this guy? At the taverns? At the docks? All he does is curse and curse. In reality, no Japanese feudal lord would put up with his outbursts. This bloke is so bloody over the top ridiculous and insane that it really ruined the fine acting from the Japanese actors. His acting is so wooden, and he doesn't inspire any sympathy at all. He is a loudmouth braggart. If you are a stranger in a strange land, it probably would prolong your life to keep quiet and assess the situation. But this guy, he is a bombastic vulgarian. Why the Portuguese rogues or few Spaniards did not toss him into the tides is beyond me.
Another major problem was that one of the writers was a woman, and it looks like they let her inject some modern day extreme feminism in many of the action scenes. There's a household maid that starts killing everyone with a knife and they made it look like she was unstoppable. The attack in the forest scene had the Japanese woman translator pick up a spear and hack about five Japanese soldiers with ease. It was absolutely stupid. That completely ruined the decent dramatic scenes. I am sure that she will be fighting samurai in the later episodes. And what did the Englishman do during the attack, did he pick up a sword himself? Nope.
And the English steersman is supposedly speaking Portuguese while we are hearing English? Okay. While he does not know a word of that language? The script continuity supervisor completely failed the audience.
Not to mention that the writers are vehemently anti-Catholic and despise the Portuguese and Spaniards while favoring the Dutch and English.
And the idiotic scene with the boats and ships? Utterly unrealistic. Preposterous. This is the type of dumb things that we are forced to sit through, cartoon fantasy scenes.
The English steersman was supposedly starving and had scurvy on the long trip to Japan, but when he took off his clothing to swim, it appeared that he had been at the gymnasium recently.
And as usual, they made the Japanese translator very beautiful. She can not be fat or ugly. How is that for the double standard? On the one hand, women can fight exactly like men, but then they have to look beautiful. Hypocrisy.
Intelligent people will avoid the series, the masses will probably flock to it like rats to stale cheese.
Shôgun: The Eightfold Fence (2024)
The Zerofold Fence
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Episode four was just dreadful. Apparently, the English steersman, who said he knew nothing of military tactics and expertise in the previous episode, is an artillery genius in this episode. And he trains a few Japanese soldiers, making them experts as well. Seventeenth century artillery guns were unwieldy and difficult to shoot accurately. In a highly preposterous scene, the new Japanese artillery men make waste of some enemy horsemen from 1000 yards out. And the general, whose limbs are all bloody and absent, mutters coherently, that it was not honorable behavior. All that because some impetuous young son wanted attention. Who is writing this drivel?
The English steersman, who in previous episodes is made out to be a devout Protestant, sleeps with a Japanese prostitute, and he is married. More hypocrisy. And there is more foreshadowing that the Japanese translator may be a key to the future. I personally think that she may be a trained assassin who has a shady past, and will kill the enemy lord. If that is the case, this whole series is a complete farce.
The episodes are getting progressively worse and worse.
Anyone who has wanted to bailout at this point, should take a parachute and jump from the burning plane already.
Shôgun: Broken to the Fist (2024)
Broken to the Brain
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Episode five is more of the same haggard storytelling, which in this case, amounts to more of the same nonsense from all the previous episodes. There is some uninteresting balderdash about a dead chicken pheasant that is "not supposed to be touched". The Englishman was jokingly saying that anyone who touched it would be killed. Turns out, the gardener touched it and was put to death, and the Englishman is wondering why. His empty-headed buffoonery is getting tedious.
Then the husband of the Japanese translator has "miraculously" returned alive. Apparently, he and ten unemployed samurai fought off those hundred soldiers. Okay. Whatever. Well, the writers put him through the sewer in this episode. They made him more unlikeable than Genghis Khan. He can not hold his Japanese liquor against the Englishman, but he still is an expert marksman with a bow and arrow. Okay. Whatever.
They also put out the expected female victim card for the Japanese translator, so that the audience can weep and instantly side with her. Except it was done in a horrible manner, so to an educated viewer, it looks entirely contrived.
More contrivance is included later when the lazy writers throw in an unexpected earthquake. The laughable scene is so utterly inane that you have to see it to believe it. I'm sure they will also include a tsunami in the following episodes.
Overall, the obvious inconsistency of the episode really hampers it.
The Night Crew (2015)
The Night Stew
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
Turned it off after ten minutes of ridiculousness. Absolutely dumb. The introduction had some awful song and a couple of loser bad guys acting like thugs. They go into a strip club with the intention of grabbing one of the dancers. Apparently some guy in the audience touched her behind and she cracked his hand or something. Really unbelievable junk.
Then the couple of loser bad guys acting like thugs chase her and she busts one of the thug's face and runs off. Another movie where women are super fighters. She staggers off and runs away.
Th director and cinematographer also shake the camera so much that it gets annoying. And they hold each scene shot for two seconds so you get dizzy.
And I said enough is enough. And the actor character Danny Trejo is also in this, so you know it will be even more worthless.
Shôgun (2024)
She-gun - Absolute Rubbish
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
It seems that the producers hired the most annoying, uncouth, asinine, and boorish Englishman that they could find. Where did they find this guy? At the taverns? At the docks? All he does is curse and curse. In reality, no Japanese feudal lord would put up with his outbursts. This bloke is so bloody over the top ridiculous and insane that it really ruined the fine acting from the Japanese actors. His acting is so wooden, and he doesn't inspire any sympathy at all. He is a loudmouth braggart. If you are a stranger in a strange land, it probably would prolong your life to keep quiet and assess the situation. But this guy, he is a bombastic vulgarian. Why the Portuguese rogues or few Spaniards did not toss him into the tides is beyond me.
Another major problem was that one of the writers was a woman, and it looks like they let her inject some modern day extreme feminism in many of the action scenes. There's a household maid that starts killing everyone with a knife and they made it look like she was unstoppable. The attack in the forest scene had the Japanese woman translator pick up a spear and hack about five Japanese soldiers with ease. It was absolutely stupid. That completely ruined the decent dramatic scenes. I am sure that she will be fighting samurai in the later episodes. And what did the Englishman do during the attack, did he pick up a sword himself? Nope.
And the English steersman is supposedly speaking Portuguese while we are hearing English? Okay. While he does not know a word of that language? The script continuity supervisor completely failed the audience.
Not to mention that the writers are vehemently anti-Catholic and despise the Portuguese and Spaniards while favoring the Dutch and English.
And the idiotic scene with the boats and ships? Utterly unrealistic. Preposterous. This is the type of dumb things that we are forced to sit through, cartoon fantasy scenes.
The English steersman was supposedly starving and had scurvy on the long trip to Japan, but when he took off his clothing to swim, it appeared that he had been at the gymnasium recently.
And as usual, they made the Japanese translator very beautiful. She can not be fat or ugly. How is that for the double standard? On the one hand, women can fight exactly like men, but then they have to look beautiful. Hypocrisy.
Episode four was just dreadful. Apparently, the English steersman, who said he knew nothing of military tactics and expertise in the previous episode, is an artillery genius in this episode. And he trains a few Japanese soldiers, making them experts as well. Seventeenth century artillery guns were unwieldy and difficult to shoot accurately. In a highly preposterous scene, the new Japanese artillery men make waste of some enemy horsemen from 1000 yards out. And the general, whose limbs are all bloody and absent, mutters that it was not honorable behavior. All that because some impetuous young son wanted attention.
The English steersman, who in previous episodes is made out to be a devout Protestant, sleeps with a Japanese prostitute, and he is married. More hypocrisy. And there is more foreshadowing that the Japanese translator may be a key to the future. I personally think that she may be a trained assassin who has a shady past, and will kill the enemy lord. If that is the case, this whole series is a complete farce. The episodes are getting progressively worse and worse.
Episode five is more of the same haggard storytelling, which in this case, amounts to more of the same nonsense from all the previous episodes. There is some uninteresting balderdash about a dead chicken pheasant that is "not supposed to be touched". The Englishman was jokingly saying that anyone who touched it would be killed. Turns out, the gardener touched it and was put to death, and the Englishman is wondering why. His empty-headed buffoonery is getting tedious.
Then the husband of the Japanese translator has "miraculously" returned alive. Apparently, he and ten unemployed samurai fought off those hundred soldiers. Okay. Whatever. Well, the writers put him through the sewer in this episode. They made him more unlikeable than Genghis Khan. He can not hold his Japanese liquor against the Englishman, but he still is an expert marksman with a bow and arrow.
They also put out the expected female victim card for the Japanese translator, so that the audience can weep and instantly side with her. Except it was done in a horrible manner, so to an educated viewer, it looks entirely contrived.
More contrivance is included later when the lazy writers throw in an unexpected earthquake. The laughable scene is so utterly inane that you have to see it to believe it. I'm sure they will also include a tsunami in the following episodes.
I don't think that the series will improve much. But I'll still watch it to the end. Like a man on a sinking ship.
Hopefully a few good things will come from this pathetic and pitiable series. Japanese mom and pops restaurants will have some business, people will buy some Japanese history and art books, and that they will also look to the past for the excellent Japanese film directors, who include Akira Kurosawa.
Stick with the original version and the book itself. This version is useless and horrendous. A complete waste of time.
Force of the Ninja (1988)
Farce of the Ninja
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
After a brief introduction setting up the "great skills" of the ancient ninja, who is seen sneeking into some Japanese feudal castle to cause some harm, the setting changes to the modern era Arizona desert. A military convoy is traveling across the empty territory. Suddenly they are attacked and slaughtered by mercenaries. Okay. Not sure why the military is using desolate river washes for travel instead of paved highways.
Up in the nearby hills, were three Japanese women, apparently tourists, who witnessed the annihilation. Two of them are killed outright, and the last one is saved because she is part of the royal Japanese family. They did not even have any bodyguards, I guess they can't afford any.
The mercenaries go to some old Western town and are visited by a boss and some shady foreigners who want to buy the Stinger missile rockets that they stole from the military convoy. They also plan on getting money for the Japanese hostage. They sure are geniuses.
Cut to Japan, where we get to see modern ninjas practicing their skills and some old dude with white hair, who is their master. He tells the main ninja that he has to help save the Japanese kidnapping victim. The main ninja doesn't even look Japanese, he looks like an Indonesian and Mexican guy with a lousy mustache. And he is short. Not sure how he got the part, because his fighting skills are entirely dull and lifeless. His acting is awful as well.
After hacking up some Japanese crime thugs, he heads to Arizona where he teams up with the state's dumbest sheriff. The ninja easily finds the mercenaries and the last thirty minutes are spent endlessly on the most boring action scenes. The mercenaries are so inept that they can't even kill a guy with a Japanese sword. The sheriff is also thrown in to shoot up a few mercenaries.
This is a completely tedious and dreary Ninja movie.
Be sure to look for the ridiculous mercenary who is a cross between wrestler "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Che Guevara. And another mercenary who has a terrible wig!
If you feel you have to watch every ninja movie ever made, this one may be difficult to find in English. I have an old VHS tape in Spanish. The audio is not very good, so it is arduous to hear what is being said at times. It is also in Castilian Spanish from the heart of Spain, and introductory Spanish students may have trouble with the accents. In Castilian Spanish with no subtitles.
You might be better off just renting Sho Kosugi (Japanese actor and martial artist) movies. And even those were not that good.
Im Nachtlicht (2020)
The Howling, Your Father Is a Werewolf
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
This is mildly interesting movie, as it stood out somewhat from the routine horror movies made in the United States.
I did not read the synopsis so I was surprised by it. The acting is sluggish though, but they do what they can.
Whoever wrote it also hates men, so the awkward main character is a shy woman who is also a woodworker. Ridiculous, I know. And she is tasked with rebuilding an old mill.
First off, the English voice overs are unintentionally funny. It reminds me of 1980s Italian horror movies that sounded the same way. No one in America speaks like that. I was laughing at a few of the translations.
There was a lot of weirdness in the movie that I found refreshing. Every character is vile, vicious or has some unsavory aspect to them. I found that very humorous.
What was lacking is nudity and some colors, or at least artistry in the film shots. The cinematography is very pedestrian. And there was no budget for a good monster or basic atmosphere. I don't think they even filmed any scenes at night.
The movie reminded me of Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf 1985, which was also an average movie. But that stood out because of the theme song, decent cinematography, and of course, Sybil Danning, and her two friends.
For a bit of 'off the beaten path' type of stuff, there was enough stimulating interest to be found. Although the ending and the slow pace left a lot to be delivered.
Hit and Run (1982)
The New York City Cab Driver
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*Plot and ending analyzed*
A Manhattan teacher and part-time taxi cab driver is still suffering from the traumatic death of his wife. He has two young children and his life seems uninvolved. One night he picks up an attractive woman who asks him if he can take her out of state. He agrees.
He takes her to some big mansion. It seems that he is a bit curious. And she asks for him again on a few other trips, telling him to keep the trip a secret. They later make out and he falls for her. But when she disappears from the mansion on one night, he investigates and finds a dead man.
He doesn't call the police, but talks to an elderly union representative who is played by actor Will Lee (Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street). I remember reading that actor Will Lee was actually blacklisted in the 1950s during the McCarthy-era witch-hunts. There is some healthy dose of skepticism written into the Will Lee character. He doesn't trust cops and he even recalls that the murdered man was a wealthy textile owner, and that they had a union strike in the 1930s against him. I love those little details in movies.
There are a few recognizable bit actors in small parts as well. Joey Lawrence (Joey Russo in Blossom (TV series 1990-1995)) plays one of the young sons.
Turns out, the taxi driver was setup as a patsy. His goes looking around for answers.
His character is neither forcefully persuasive nor intelligent though, and he just resembles a bland regular guy. That might be a problem for the movie.
There are some nice night scenes of the city and some good parts with music. Some of the 'action' in the film is contrived, as when the taxi drivers all unite to tail the mysterious woman when she gets on a subway. They cover all the above ground exits, and of course they find her.
And the ending was not entirely imaginative either, as the woman was "hit" by the actual man who was responsible for the murder when she goes off running, and he is just pulling up to the front of the building. Not very believable.
The credits at the beginning mention a novel that it is based on, "Eighty Dollars to Stamford" by Lucille Fletcher (author of "Sorry, Wrong Number", made into a film in 1948 with Barbara Stanwyck and Burt Lancaster).
In all, it is a fairly decent yet undecorated and plain movie. It reminds me somewhat of Eyewitness (1981) with William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver, as it had a similar tone and theme.
Enjoy.