Xyghaar Reviews

The Master of Disguise (2002)

If Hell has movie theaters, this is what they show there

[4 June 2006]

My friends and I have a tradition called "bad movie night." It's self-explanatory: we take turns finding a terrible movie, and we watch it and laugh our butts off at how crappy it is. When one of my friends showed up last night with this affront to all that is good and decent, we received much more than we bargained for.

The jokes are terrible, even if you're 100% wasted. The dialog is lame at best, and actively painful at worst. The acting itself is sub-sub-par; as you watch you get the impression that all of the actors (aside from Dana Carvey, of course) are genuinely p*ssed off that they are in the movie at all. The only redeeming quality this movie has is that it is really, really short, but this is negated by the fact that those 80 minutes will feel like an eternity.

If jokes that were never funny in the first place being repeated up to 8 times is your thing, look no further. If standalone fart noises - that is, an out-of-place fart noise unsupported by any action or dialog whatsoever - can make you laugh, this is definitely your film. If you absolutely hate your kids and want a divorce, grab this for a great family movie night... as for my friends and I, the second the store where we bought this last night opens we're going to try and get our 6 bucks back.

Monster High (1989)

Farely warned be ye

[1/10 · 8 April 2006]

I'd say that this is the worst movie I've ever seen, but I really have seen 3 or 4 worse movies.

That being said, this movie is still crap.

I'd go into detail, but this movie does not even deserve two minutes of your time (much less the hour and a half of your life that you will never get back).

Just... don't see it. Ever.

My friends and I rented this from Blockbuster, and ended up having to pay for it because when it was over we took the tape outside and shot it.

Dark Harvest II: The Maize (2004)

It's like the real-life version of The Ring

[1/10 · 8 April 2006]

My spoiler is in my pants because thinking about this movie made me so angry I crapped myself.

Once you finish watching it, you stare at the TV set in confusion and horror. Then, there's a soft tap on your shoulder and a voice hisses, "You will die in seven days." You turn around, and one of your best friends is standing there with a look of absolute hatred for the one that suggested this movie when you were in Blockbuster.

I won't lie: this is the worst movie on the face of the Earth. I saw it with 5 of my friends all 18-year-old guys, and these were our reactions: -One person actually began crying and punching himself -One person screamed and passed out -One person stood up and staggered out the front door to reappear more than an hour later -One person simply blacked out (this one was me) -One person started babbling incoherently, as if he had both cerebral palsy and Touretts' Syndrome -One person went into a sort of catatonic trance and did not respond to our voices for more than twenty minutes

The movie really is that bad. There's one part where the retarded cameraman actually trips (while holding the camera), but the producers decided to leave it in. Seriously, you can hear him grunt and swear when he hits the ground. There's only one special effect, and it's special in the same way that a retarded kid trying to solve a Rubix Cube is special: the camera rotates so that the on-screen action (action, n. Some dumbass lost in a corn field for 80 freaking minutes) does a barrel roll.

Under NO circumstances should it be watched, and the movie itself even warns you of this fact. Do you know what the tagline on the back is? "Some warnings should not be ignored." I honestly think that the release of this movie to the public is a sick practical joke on the producers' part. That's not to say, however, that you should pass it by if you see it at the movie store - it would then sit on the shelf for some other poor sucker to see. Rather, buy every copy of it you can get your hands on and mail them to people that you hate.

V for Vendetta (2005)

Amazing

[10/10 · 8 April 2006]

There isn't much I can say that hasn't been said already. The acting is unbelievable, the characters and their dialogue are brilliantly written, the plot is deep and thought-provoking without being confusing, and the special effects are jaw-dropping without being oppressive. The best effects in the entire move are actually the ones that required no computer animation or modern technology; fans of classic movies will notice such devices as low-key music, camera angles, and background noise fading into silence all being used masterfully. I saw this movie on a Friday night, opening weekend, in a cinema packed with over 300 other people. Not one person moved or talked for the last 30 minutes of the film; we all sat in stupefied silence, utterly spellbound by this powerful movie.

Ironically, one of the major theme of this movie is that intelligence is perhaps the strongest weapon in the world. This is ironic because all of the people frantically blaming this movie for religious or political reasons are the ones that misinterpreted it. My advice to anyone that has not seen it is to go do so right now, but leave personal prejudices outside the cinema and enjoy an experience that is as poignant as it is absolutely mind-blowing.

Oh, this is off-topic, but I thought someone might want to know that the IMDb spellchecker will try and "correct" several words even if they are spelled correctly.