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Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
A film Brits love
As a lovely wild, filthy long haired bearded white British Barbarian who also happens to be a British Imperialist, this film was truly amazing and makes me SO proud to be British culturally and genetically. My only flaw of this film is that I wish it showed our sexy island during the film, but the Caribbean for a faraway foreign land was surprisingly quite pleasant in terms of looks, it did make me sweat just by looking at it though and I'd never go there for fear of burning my lovely white skin under the scorching Caribbean sun. So overall the setting wasn't brilliant but it was ok. Moving on, the acting was brilliant as were the characters, they were all so complex and therefore gave me a lot of food for thought. All the characters accents were also very nice and pleasing to the ear.
I'm a huge lover of violence and gore and this film had enough to please me. My favourite scene was when Barbossa's crew sacked Tortuga, seeing those lovely Britons so angry, strong and fierce made me immensely proud of their strength and courage, I knew during the scene nothing was going to stop Barbossa's courageous crew from pillaging Tortuga, not even several 20ft hostile giants. The violence in the movie truly gets my love balls stirring a lot every time I see it due to the beautiful violence. This film also made me incredibly nostalgic and reminded me of better times for my beautiful country, it just goes to show our government is still not afraid to showcase great British Imperial attitudes on films and as a magical Briton who lives and hunts in the beautiful forests of Britain, I really appreciated the amount of magic in this film which made the film so much more realistic, complex and closer to my lovely culture.
Excalibur (1981)
Greatest Film Ever! A film that should be watched by all Britons!
As a lovely wild filthy long haired bearded white British Barbarian who lives in the green pleasant forests of the sexy island of Great Britain, this film is a real treat. First of all, I'll just like to say that it's such a great honour that my beloved country's lovely island is the home of the setting of the greatest film in existence and it makes me SO proud to be British. My island is the most beautiful place in the world so that really helps the film look so nice, there was a lot of forests, marshes and meadows in this film so it had such a great level of diversity with it's different landscapes in the film and it just looks so pretty onscreen. Say what you like about the Dark Ages, but they certainly had more forests, there wouldn't have been any dull lifeless modern homes and life would have been visually a lot prettier back then, this film showcases that brilliantly.
I also loved the character's accents, it's great to understand them properly in this film as a lot of the time when I watch a random film nowadays it's a silly American accent I can barely understand so watching this makes a lovely change. I really liked the mystery of the film and this film made me more interested in the Anglo-Saxon invasion of Britain during the 5th and 6th Centuries more than any other part of British history. With the lack of much historical documentation of the people, it truly does make me believe that there were probably so much more amazing things that also happened during the time of King Arthur and Merlin which we have no clue about so it gives me plenty of food for thought and the story is just so deep, complex and thought provoking to the extent me and my wife were talking for hours on end about the film after we first watched it together.
The film shows the magic of my sexy island wonderfully, Britain is full of enchanted forests and many exotic talking animals and supernatural beasts which I see reasonably often in my rural fun life, ExCalibur showcases the very real phenomenon of wizardry brilliantly with Merlin, it's just a shame magic isn't so common nowadays. The significance of magic in the film gave me a positive attitude on life and made me believe even more that anything's possible and that helps build confidence and also makes me more excited in desolate unexplored places in anticipation of what magical powers I might uncover. Due to that, this film really makes me go out deep into the magical forest and explore, I truly do love exploring especially after seeing all the possibilities of magic in ExCalibur so this film cheers me up whenever I feel bored and depressed,
I love violence and gore, this film had plenty of it for me to be happy with and as a result of the frequent lovely exciting violence in the film, it truly get's my love balls stirring so much indeed every time I see it. This film always inspires me to go out hunting which I love and ride my horse really fast, the film really does make me feel less guilty and much more excited when I'm killing my hard-earned prey. The lack of non-white people in the film also makes the whole film so much more connected to my culture than the average film and therefore more meaningful and personal to me when I'm watching it because it gives more things to think about it when there's more thing's in a film which you can relate to.
The ExCalibur film is truly sexy, one of my favourite scenes was when Lancelot and Guenevere had sex in a lovely bit of forest hiding the two star struck lovers from the rest of the world. That scene not only showed how beautiful British people can be but it also showed how sexy our island can be as well so it was a brilliant mix of both land and people in that scene to get the viewer at his or her ultimate sexual arousal pretty easily so it's definitely not a film to watch with children around hehe! This film should be compulsory to show this in schools at least once a year to all school years, due to the lack of CGI and great historical telling this film is timeless and will forever stand the test of time.
The Lion King (2019)
A lifeless fairy tale set in an ugly, terrifying sun scorched land
As a lovely white British Barbarian, I found this film absolutely pathetic. Not only is it a remake and therefore has no creativity whatsoever but it's also from what I've heard a very bad remake indeed, you would've thought remakes would've been easier to make better than the original due to more time to come up with enhanced themes, better quotes and better settings but no this film did the seemingly impossible and made a remake about twice as bad as the original. No thanks to some of the stupid black people that have helped produced it.
I was also infuriated by the setting, I'm used to living in lovely green cool forests and meadows but this film was set in the most vile of all places, the setting especially the desert looked so hot it made me sweat just looking at it! So that was no fun at all and it seemed very unrealistic for talking beasts to realistically survive in such a foul climate and land so that made the film seem like a complete joke. There's a lot of magic where I'm from and whilst I've seen many different kinds of exotic talking animals they could've made chosen more pretty and more British animals to do the talking so that was disappointing. Last but not least, I was infuriated by the severe lack of violence and gore so I couldn't get my love balls stirring at the cinema due to the lack of violence and gore which made me very unhappy indeed.
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
This movie made every Disney Star Wars film except Rogue One non-canon to me
Absolute rubbish. Can't believe I still have the DVD of it, think I might destroy it in a very brutal fashion tonight. I nearly turned it off at the bit where Luke gets green milk out of an ugly alien and I've only ever watched it once, more than that is just unbearable the whole thing was pretty much unwatchable so I'm never watching it again and to me only Episodes I-VI and R1 are canon due to this outrageous film. The space battles dragged on for way too long and were mind-numbingly boring, the scenes at the cantina were pretty pointless and boring, Rose Tico was super annoying with her identity politics and anti-Imperial agenda. Finn should've died when Rose saved her and the fact Finn didn't blame her for 'saving' him made no sense at all, the Rose character was a complete lunatic basically. Luke's character was destroyed as was Jedi's powers with Rey learning how to be as tough as Sith Lords after just a few weeks of training and the force ghosts still having powers despite not bothering to help the Rebels out against Snoke and Palpatine. Complete and utter rubbish, if you're a SW fan and haven't watched this I urge you to not watch it.
The Machinist (2004)
One of the greatest films ever, a must watch
This film is about what isolation, guilt and insomnia can do to the human mind, even after watching it 100 times it remains a very mysterious interesting film. We may never truly know who exactly Ivan was, but I suppose that's part of the reason that makes this film so great to me as I have the freedom to assume who exactly Ivan is. I've always personally thought Ivan is the ghost of Trevor's old childhood friend who Trevor either forgot about or doesn't recognise, and that Ivan's spirit basically helped sort Trevor out. Others say that Ivan was simply Trevor's other personality, but I like to believe that Ivan was actually Trevor's best friend from childhood, it makes sense considering Ivan and Trevor (pre-car accident) are so alike. The open ended complex mystery behind The Machinist is mostly what makes the film so great, but of course it's filled with suspense, surprises and raw emotion too which make it a truly stunning film to watch. The characters are all quite interesting as well I think, didn't think there was a dull character in it at all. Overall this film is in my top 10 films ever and I highly recommend it to anyone who likes psychological thriller films or Fight Club.
Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019)
Annoying accents
I'm a huge Pokemon fan but I never imagined Pikachu to have a silly American accent so that ruined it a bit for me. Pikachu was very cute so that made up for it a little bit though and I this film has motivated me to get myself a pet Pikachu if they're ever invented.