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Long Time Dead (2002)
Jumping on the bandwagon.....
Way back in 1996 Master of the macabre Wes Craven had an idea, to re-invent the teenage horror slasher movie. It was an idea that gave the horror genre the new leash of life that it needed, although, as usual, Hollywood milked the concept. After 'Scream' set the critics raving and the audiences screaming, Hollywood came up with the theory that as Scream made one hell of a lot of money, they'll make more. Thus 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', 'Cherry Falls', 'Final Destination' & 'Valentine' (to name but a few) were born.
After 7 years the British Film Industry must have thought, "Hang on, let's have a go at that". Unfortunately, they're trying to jump on a bandwagon that is not there anymore, hence making one big mess. Namely - 'Long Time Dead'.
Now, I'm a strong supporter of British films, but this is just plain awful. Dire acting from all parties, the director (Marcus Adams; Also the writer) must have been asleep while the actors attempted to perform. The movie heavily relies on the: `boo...oh I scared you tactic', using a lot of non-digetic music weaving in with the digetic noise of the characters either running or aimlessly wondering before getting 'slaughtered'. Inverted commas because none of the killings actually go on on screen.
Literally the plot is scraping the bottom of the barrel. It kind of has distant echo's of Cravens superior 'Wishmaster' and the appalling 'I Still Know ..'. A group of teens for some reason (quite possibly I missed the part where this was explained, but I doubt it) decided to have a go on a Ouija board, and accidentally call a Djinn. A Djinn ( for all the people who didn't see Wishmaster) is a demon. The term Djinn is what is commonly known as a genie. But ironically enough (as if you didn't see this twist coming), the Djinn is evil.
For this 'Djinn' to be released it has to kill all those who conjured it. But really, do you even care? The characters are supposed to appeal to the audiences so we don't want them to die, yet we do.
An extremely predictable film from start to finish, if you can't see these twists coming then there is something seriously wrong with you.
Marks out of 10 - I'm not even gonna bother. I implore you, don't go and see this movie, don't waste your money.
Long Time Dead (2002)
Jumping on the bandwagon.....
Way back in 1996 Master of the macabre Wes Craven had an idea, to re-invent the teenage horror slasher movie. It was an idea that gave the horror genre the new leash of life that it needed, although, as usual, Hollywood milked the concept. After 'Scream' set the critics raving and the audiences screaming, Hollywood came up with the theory that as Scream made one hell of a lot of money, they'll make more. Thus 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', 'Cherry Falls', 'Final Destination' & 'Valentine' (to name but a few) were born.
After 7 years the British Film Industry must have thought, "Hang on, let's have a go at that". Unfortunately, they're trying to jump on a bandwagon that is not there anymore, hence making one big mess. Namely - 'Long Time Dead'.
Now, I'm a strong supporter of British films, but this is just plain awful. Dire acting from all parties, the director (Marcus Adams; Also the writer) must have been asleep while the actors attempted to perform. The movie heavily relies on the: `boo...oh I scared you tactic', using a lot of non-digetic music weaving in with the digetic noise of the characters either running or aimlessly wondering before getting 'slaughtered'. Inverted commas because none of the killings actually go on on screen.
Literally the plot is scraping the bottom of the barrel. It kind of has distant echo's of Cravens superior 'Wishmaster' and the appalling 'I Still Know ..'. A group of teens for some reason (quite possibly I missed the part where this was explained, but I doubt it) decided to have a go on a Ouija board, and accidentally call a Djinn. A Djinn ( for all the people who didn't see Wishmaster) is a demon. The term Djinn is what is commonly known as a genie. But ironically enough (as if you didn't see this twist coming), the Djinn is evil.
For this 'Djinn' to be released it has to kill all those who conjured it. But really, do you even care? The characters are supposed to appeal to the audiences so we don't want them to die, yet we do.
An extremely predictable film from start to finish, if you can't see these twists coming then there is something seriously wrong with you.
Marks out of 10 - I'm not even gonna bother. I implore you, don't go and see this movie, don't waste your money.
Bedazzled (2000)
A Nice little remake
I was a bit reluctant at first to actually sit down and watch this film, the major off point being it stars Liz Hurly. As I have said in other reviews I do NOT like this woman, however she is the perfect choice for this film (I somehow cannot see someone like Liv Tyler or Gwyneth Paltrow playing the role in the same manner).
This movie is actually quite good, ok it's not great or is it an Oscar winner, but it is enjoyable.
Brendon Fraser plays the lead role of Elliot, a sad pathetic individual who is besotted by a woman at work called Alison. While out one night Elliot states that he would give anything to get her; enter the Devil (Liz Hurly).
In exchange for his soul Elliot is given 7 wishes, to use as he deems fit, of course everything doesn't go according to what he hopes.
Written by Peter Cook, the man who wrote the original 1976 Bedazzled, it is everything you could want in a family film. It's directed by Harold Ramis (Egon from Ghostbusters), so what else would you expect except good old fashioned fun.
Marks out of 10, it gets a 7.
Scream (1996)
The film that set the standards
The movie that started the whole teen slasher genre. Directed by the Grandaddy of horror Mr. Wes Craven and written by up and coming Kevin Williamson, Scream is 'the' horror movie of the 90's.
Made really with teenagers in mind Craven has not only chosen actors/actresses that are well known by teens to appear in the movie, but has managed to incorporate widely known feelings and problems shown by the stars which relates to the audience (ok, not all teenagers suffer with a masked lunatic stalking them, but the problems of school,friends,sex etc).
Scream was originally going to be called Scary Movie as it pokes fun at prior horror movies, especially Halloween. As Halloween is undoubtedly the best slasher horror movie ever made it seems fitting that Craven and Williamson pay it some respect. It is even shot in the same style, with the camera often taking the POV shot of the killer, also the tension building scenes are practically the same style used by John Carpenter. Some dialogue is also used, the line said by Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween to the children she is babysitting; "Run down to the Mckenzies" is said by Casey Becker's(Drew Barrymore) Father to her Mother except that they changed it very slightly to "Drive down to the Mckenzies".
The story is very basic, teens being picked off by a killer wearing a ghost mask. But of course this killer seems to be focusing on one particular girl, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), but for what reason??
A clever little horror film, with all the trimmings, but then would you expect anything less for the master of the genre? 10 out of 10, always watch for the well put in horror movie references.
Shallow Grave (1994)
British cinema at its best
Recently in my A-Level Film Studies group we started a section about British film, and what better a movie to start on was Danny Boyle's classic Shallow Grave. Made just before he made it huge with Trainspotting, it tells a story of greed with a dash of black humour.
The question we were asked just before watching it (and I think you should do the same) was: "If Hollywood had made this movie, would have it been as good and why?" Well after seeing it I can tell you easily, Hollywood would have glamourised this movie so much that it would have just flopped, thank God Danny Boyle didn't sell out. Undoubtedly they would have cast a beautiful people to play the main roles and would have probably managed to glamourise killing aswell.
The story is focused around 3 flatmates, Alex (Ewan McGregor), Juliet (Kerry Fox) and David (Christopher Eccleston). They are looking for the perfect person to let their empty room to. The problem is when the perfect person arrives he ends up dying in his sleep on his first night. But on the good side he has a suitcase of money, what do they do? The good thing, or keep it? It wouldn't be much of a movie if they gave it to the police really would it?
The disposing of the poor guys body is quite gruesome, but just like the classics, you don't really see anything, you just think your witnessing it. This is the start of the change that goes on with the flatmates, friendships and trust becomes lost and greed gained.
Marks out of 10 - a 10, who said we British can't make a good movie?!
Murder in the Music Hall (1946)
a nice little mystery
This movie is up there with "Silver City Kid", "The Phantom Speaks" and "The Blazing Sun" as John English's (I) best features. A classic mystery movie with some brilliant performances, especially from Vera Ralston and Ann Rutherford. It's pretty much your standard mystery story all about being in the wrong place at the right time. Vera Ralston plays the unlucky heroine, accused of a murder she didn't commit or did she......
And Now for Something Completely Different (1971)
Great comedy
OK, so it's not technically a movie, it's just a collection of the best sketches from Monty Pythons Flying Circus series's 1 and 2.But the fact of the matter is it's so damn funny.
It contains all the great sketches, including the infamous Dead Parrot Sketch, ("This parrot is deceased, it is no more. It ceases to be.") the great art of hiding sketch as well as many others.
In no way does it compare to the feature films, but this is Python at their best. And when have you ever watched Flying Circus and not laughed?
The only thing that this film lacks is the Spanish Inquisition. Why they weren't included is beyond me, but of course no-one expects them.
Marks out of 10 - an 8. Rib achingly funny.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
The best of the series
Now, I can state for a fact that I am a big fan of the camp horror flicks or straight to video horror movies, whichever you prefer. The Friday the 13th series I felt was one of the worst collection of horror films, but yet it was entertaining to watch. The acting was so wooden the actors might as well have been trees, and the plots must have been written by monkeys, well monkeys that have fallen off their trees too many times,( a normal monkey would undoubtedly come up with a better plot). The thing was that once you start watching, you can't stop.
The interesting fact about Jason goes to Hell is that most of it is actually very well done. The acting is good, (amazing compared to the earlier stuff), the death sequences are top notch. The plot is weak, but better than the others.
Without spoiling too much of the film, I will say that it contains distant echoes of Halloween and the whole Michael Myers franchise.
With a bizzare beginning and an even stranger end, its an enjoyable film, even though 'Jason', as what we know him to look like, is hardly in it.
Marks out of 10 - a 6 and a half. "Only through Voorhees can he die, and only through a Voorhees can he be reborn"
Highlander (1986)
there can be only one
When released Highlander received many a bad review from the critics, despite that it was a box office success. Highlander truly is a very clever little film, it is brilliantly written and directed and the acting is flawless.
Highlander tells the story of Connor MaCloud (The highlander from the title). Connor is an immortal. The immortals are a group of people who throughout time have fought each other in an attempt to win the prize. The prize is awarded to the last immortal, the prize is to be all knowing and to finally lose their eternal life and age normally.
To kill an immortal you have to cut off his head, once done the quickening' is released. The quickening is then given to the winner, it contains all of the losers strength and powers. The movie is set at the time of the Gathering', this is when only a few immortals are left alive and they feel a yearning to travel to a certain place. The immortals then fight for the prize.
Though there are certain things not explained in this film, such as: How are these people picked to become immortals? And by whom?
A great fantasy feature that appeals to many, theres even a bit of Lovey Dovey romance in it to keep your girlfriend/wife happy.
Lambert is great as MaCloud, born to play the part. Connery, as always, is fantastic as Ramirez (MaClouds immortal friend).
Marks out of 10 8, a classic in its own right. Just watch it, but if you do like it don't watch the sequel. You can watch Highlander 3 and 4, but not Highlander 2. Trust me.
My Favorite Martian (1999)
A pretty good movie
I must firstly state that being a 16 year old boy Disney films are not my favourite movie genre, in fact I would rather watch Liz Hurly preform the entire works of Shakespeare. I was drawn to this film purely because there was nothing else on TV to watch, and I have to say I throughly enjoyed it.
I have never seen the TV series of the same name so I don't have anything to compare it to, but this is a top notch family film. Ok, the jokes are not rib achingly funny, and some of the acting isn't memorable but it does contain the prime ingredient for a family film, fun.
Christopher Lloyd was brilliantly cast as the martian crash victim, Uncle Martin. "Rocky Road! Rocky Road". Jeff Daniels is, well, he could have been better. Daryl Hannah, (I love this women) when is she ever not on top (no sexual innuendo intended). Sadly the infamous, I'm only in this business because I have a pretty face' Liz Hurly manages to ruin every scene she's in with her fantastic' acting skills.
No crude humour, no swearing, no sexual antics that you wouldn't want your Granny to see, because it's all Disney, and it's a great family film.
Marks out of 10 a 7. It would have been an 8 or a 9, if it wasn't for Hurly.
Bad Taste (1987)
Truly Bizzare, Truly Brilliant
After seeing Braindead I felt myself drawn into watching Peter Jacksons earlier horror movies, starting with Bad Taste. I watched it one night on the Sci-Fi channel, and to my delight it was just as I expected, surreal, gory and very very funny.
I'll give you a brief summary: Lord Crumb and his alien posse come to Earth to take humans back home with them and turn them into treat bars. They have already boxed a small town, (yes, boxed) and there's only a small group of men that can stop his wicked ways, namely The Boys'.
That's enough with the story, if you have seen Braindead you know the true definition of a gory film. Bad Taste isn't as gory as Braindead but it is much much sicker. You really need a pretty strong stomach to cope with what Jackson throws at you during this film.
Marks out of 10 an 8. Truly a brilliant cult film. Not for the weak of heart, or weak of stomach. "Here I come you B******S!!"
Back to the Future (1985)
I gotta get back in time......
This is one of those movies that everyone at some point in their life has seen. As a kid I would watch this film,(and the sequels), religiously every Saturday. Though I don't watch it as often as I did all those years ago I still love it.
Michael J. Fox is terrific as the role of Marty, and with the fantastic Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown you know that this is something very special. With the writing and directing talents of Robert Zemeckis this movie is one that has to be in everybodys video collection.
Marty is an ordinary teenager living an ordinary life, until gun towing Libians force him back in time. As I've said before I'm not one for spoiling a good film, so if you haven't already seen this, where the hell have you been??!! Go out and rent it, and get parts 2 and 3 while you're at it.
Marks out of 10 an easy 10, one of the best films ever made. And remember: "Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads."
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Pure Terror
Up until a couple of years ago this film was infamous in Britain, it had mass cult value and status. It was the' banned movie. When it was finally re-released in 1999 after 25 years the audiences weren't that impressed. They said that it may have been able to shock all those years ago, but now it's just to dated. To these people I would like to say: `Bull'.
This movie is as terrifying now as it was 25 years ago. What people don't seem to grasp is that the concept of this film is to make you think. To make you use your imagination. You think you're witnessing the most horrific and gory movies ever, but in fact your not. Hooper hardly shows you any blood or gore.
The scariest part of this movie isn't contained in the movie itself. It's the fact that the character Leatherface' was actually based on a living person, Ed Gyne. Gyne was also used for inspiration' for the characters Norman Bates in Hitchcock's Psycho and Buffalo Bill in Demme's The Silence of the Lambs. Sends chills down your spine doesn't it? Knowing that someone that deranged really existed.
Anyway enough with the history lesson let me tell you a little about the film. Undoubtedly you are aware of what is to occur in the movie, a group of teenagers away from home individually meet a killer (or chainsaw wielding maniac, whichever you prefer), and funnily enough get killed. Its textbook init? Although this is true, this isn't your average Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger movie.
I'm not going to go into great depths and ruin the film for you but I have to say this is not a film for kids or the faint hearted.
Marks out of 10 a perfect 10. This is an all time classic from Tobe Hooper, the definitive horror movie. But remember do not watch this alone.
Scary Movie (2000)
The Horror, The Horror!!!
Well, its not really a rare occurrence when a real good idea for a film is made into a pretty poor movie, and this is proof.
Since the release of Wes Cravens 'Scream' back in '96, people have been trying to jump onto the bandwagan, (I Know What You Did Last Summer, Cherry Falls, Urban Legend, etc). And thus ruining the genre. Scary Movie pokes fun at this, but not very well.
The characters name for a start are far to clever; Buffy Gilmore, Cindy Cambell etc. Also a large majority of the gags are just stupid. But I have to say that the Dewey rip off, 'Doofy', is side splitting funny.
The bottom line is it tries to be too clever for its own good, and so it fails. There are the obvious film mickey takes, but how many people will spot all the films that are mocked during this??!! Why don't you watch it and see if you can spot them.
Marks out of 10. - 2. 'No Mercy. No Shame. No Sequel'. Well only the No Mercy bit is true.
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Don't let him inside your head
"I ate his liver with some fater beans and a nice chanti". This classic thriller based on the novel by Thomas Harris is an all time gem. A serial killer helping to find a serial killer, this is not something that you see very often.
Women are being hunted by a somewhat deranged serial killer known only as 'Buffalo Bill'. His name refers to his trademark, skinning his victims. In an attempt to secure a lead on Bill FBI trainee Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) is sent by her superiors to question the infamous Dr. Hannibal 'The Cannibal' Lecter, so called as his victims were eaten. Lecter is being held in a maximum security mental institute for life, of which he has already served eight years.
Hannibal asks Starling personal questions, questions which she has been told not to answer. However after a sixth victim is found skinned Starling is at Lecters mercy. She is forced to tell Lecter everything about her childhood which includes the slaughtering of the lambs. For these questions that are answered Lecter rewards Starling with information about Buffalo Bill.
A bond is formed between Lecter and Starling, though it is not clear if Lecter is sexually interested in Starling. He does kill Miggs, a psychopath who is in the next cell to Lecter, by making him swallow his own tongue. However, you do not know if he did this because he threw semen at Starling or he did it to amuse himself.
I don't want to ruin the film for those reading this who haven't seen it, so I'll let you experience this movie for yourself.
Marks out of 10 - 9. Quite simply a brilliant film, with flawless acting and superb direction from Jonathan Demme.
Labyrinth (1986)
The best film ever made. Period.
Labyrinth can only be described as a major fantasy success that was loved by children and adults all round the globe. The opinion of some is that this film is wasted on children as it is a superbly crafted, well written and finely directed film which can only be appreciated by people of a certain age and film knowing experience. I believe that these people are wrong, and that all people regardless of their age and film know-how should experience Labyrinth's magic.
The film was directed by one George Lucas, infamous for a little film he made called Star Wars. Labyrinth combines his talents with Jim Henson, widely known as the creator of the Muppets. Labyrinth in no way can be compared to a muppet film; it can only be compared with Jim's previous fantasy film The Dark Crystal'. Though Labyrinth isn't as dark as Dark Crystal it still bats in the same league.
Labyrinth's magic begins to work on the viewer right from the start as the opening credits roll to the music of David Bowie. As the camera zooms in we see a girl who is re-enacting her favourite book Labyrinth'. This girl is the film's central character, Sarah (Jennifer Connelly: Dark City, The Rocketeer, Requiem for a Dream). When she arrives home late she has an arguement with her stepmother (Shelly Thompson: Morons from Outer Space, Just like a Woman) over having to babysit her baby brother Toby. When Sarah is left with Toby he begins to cry, a cry that brings Sarah to call for the Goblin King to take him away. This is where Henson's puppet mastery comes into play. There is a wonderful couple of seconds where Sarah, as she is saying the words for the Goblin King to take Toby away, is being listened to by a few a goblins inside her mirror. This is only one of the little cute' scenes in this film that shows that Henson and Lucas can combine ideas to produce such memorable scenes that you will undoubtedly cherish.
When the Goblin King Jareth (David Bowie: The Man Who Fell to Earth) makes his appearance Sarah begs him to give Toby back to her. Eventually the king tells her that if she can solve his labyrinth and get to his castle that lies beyond on the Goblin City within 13hours, she can have Toby back, however if she doesn't Toby has to stay with him forever. Sarah has no choice and accepts his deal.
The first of the Labyrinths characters Sarah comes across is Hoggle, a goblin who likes jewels. This has to be one of the film's most memorable scenes in which Sarah is asking him to help her get into the Labyrinth while Hoggle walks around killing fairies. This scene shows brilliant camera work from Colin Corby and excellent direction from Lucas, as Sarah and Hoggle walk around the entrance of the Labyrinth, which appears to be huge.
Hoggle eventually shows Sarah how to get into the labyrinth. While she is pondering which way to go Trevor Jones's music manages to build up a confined atmosphere which really adds to the film at these early points.
As Sarah walks deeper into the Labyrinth, Lucas switches scenes and brings us into the Goblin Kings castle in which he is singing surrounded by goblins, another spellbinding feat by Jim Henson where goblins appear to be jumping ten foot in the air and throwing Toby in the air aswell.
As Sarah continues through the Labyrinth she encounters more weird and wonderfull characters such as Ludo, the huge beast with a huge heart; Didymus, the dog soldier; The junk lady and of course the blue worm.
When Sarah and her gang' appear before the goblin city within the 13 hour period Jareth calls his goblin soldiers to get rid of them. This is one of the best pre-climax film scenes to come out of Hollywood, brilliant puppetry and almost magical scenery which again is brilliantly shot by Lucas, there is no doubt that there will be at least several bits which you will laugh at and chuckle about later.
When they get to the castle Sarah informs the rest of them that she has to go on alone, a brilliant scene which will bring a tear to your eye. When Sarah climbs the stairs she is faced by lots of staircases which appear to lead no-where. When Jareth appears he points out where Toby is, and Sarah tries to get to him. This scene has been copied but never bettered. Copiers include the 1989 horror film A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child', a very camp horror sequel of a sequel of a sequel of a sequel staring everyones favourite bogeyman.
The film's climax is a one on one confrontation between Sarah and Jareth, which seems to be shot on some sort of astrial plain. This scene produces such memorable lines from both parties especially Jareth. The ending is isn't strong enough to spawn a sequel.
A family/fantasy film, which appeals to children and parents, that has a plot is very hard to find today. So if you haven't already seen this film you must make it your priority to see it, regardless of your age, because everyone still has a young child within them.
Jurassic Park III (2001)
Oh why was this film made????
***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** 'This time its not just a walk in the park', well thats true, it definitly isn't. The tagline is merely stating the audiences torture that they had to be subdued to for the length of this film. Thankfully this chapter of the trilogy is the shortest, but its still an hour and a half of my life that I would like back.
This film is aimed squarely for kids, with a lot more dinosaur moments than the first two films, but the plot and the script are wafer thin. Now don't get me wrong I loved 'Jurassic Park' and 'The Lost World' but at least they had decent plots and Steven Spielberg at the helm. JPIII however is directed by Joe Johnston (who also directed such classics as 'The Rocketeer' and 'Honey,I Shrank the Kids') so the magic is completely lost.
The main outline of the story is as follows: a rich family is upset by the loss of their son Eric. He crash landed on Site B (the island from JPII) after a paragliding accident.His parents desperate to find him employ Dr Grant (Sam Neill) to give them a sort of tour of the island, (as he is the only one with the experience,even though he states he would never go back to the island for 'anything on earth or heaven', its amazing how money changes this and how characters personalities change in sequels) but with the hidden agenda of trying to find their son.
Obviously, things go wrong. The plane crashes after a dinosaur attack, so they are left to fend for themselves. Some of the characters get eaten by the dinosaurs, some don't (we've seen it twice before). Eventually they do find Ben (yay!!), as if we thought otherwise and escape the island via the help of Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern).
The plot is poor, the script is weak, most of the acting is dire and the direction is laughable. However the effects are top notch, but when are people going to learn that special effects merely improve the film and not ARE the film.
If you do really want to see it wait till it comes to video or better yet wait till they show it on telly. Marks out of 10, its gets a 3, no pun intended.
Braindead (1992)
The Goriest Film Ever Made
When you mention the name Peter Jackson you immediately think, 'he's the guy who's directing that Lord of the Rings film ain't he?!'. Though this is a valid statement what you should also know is that he has made a few very horrific films before. You may remember 'Meet the Feebles' (yes, the puppet film) or the infamous 'Bad Taste'. But these films in no way compare to the gore that is contained in Braindead.
The introduction is a very memorable experience, a zoologist is in search of a 'rat monkey' with the help of a few islanders. Though he manages to capture one of these creatures he is bitten by it during his escape. Once bitten by one of these creatures it turns you into a zombie (you know the drill), so the only possible way to stop this is to cut of the contaminated limb. Unfortunately for the zoologist this turns out to be his hand, arm and head. So off they come with a rusty axe and shouts of 'synguya' by the islanders.
Without going into great depths to explain the story, heres the main outline: the hero of the story, Lionel, goes to the zoo on a date. His very clingy mother follows him secretly. Mother gets bitten by the Rat Monkey thats in the zoo. Mother starts to change, infects most of the town, they change into zombies, Lionel takes it upon himself to save the day by killing the zombies in the most tongue-in-cheek style you're ever likely to see. Sounds ingenious doesn't it??!!
OK, its not much of a story but thats not the reason you'll be watching it or have watched it. Of course, the only reason really to watch this film is so you can be completely grossed out by the amount of blood and gore that this film is made up of. Oh, and there are other good reasons aswell, these include zombie sex, a zombie baby called Celwin and intestines with a mind of its own. Undoubtedly you'll find something else you like about this film, but be warned it is definitely not for the faint of heart.