simoncoram-06766 Reviews

New Life (I) (2023)

Why oh why oh why?????

[1/10 · 18 May 2024]

I've gotten used to YouTube clickbait (very reluctantly), but I didn't realise the same lies now apply to films!

It's marked as Horror. It isn't.

It's marked as Sci-fi. It isn't.

It's titled New Life. There isn't any.

What we do get is two hours of a rather low-brow zombie movie. And bloody angry that the whole thing is 🐂💩.

The two lead actresses are good, at least. But there's absolutely nothing else remotely good about this waste of time film.

How are these film-makers allowed to lie to their public like this?

Do they have no integrity, no standards, no conscience about lying to everyone?

Shame on them.

Red Eye (2024– )

Good stuff. But....

[10/10 · 23 April 2024]

At last, a drama that isn't padded out to the ultimate extremes, actually has a plot AND an ending, and makes sense. I can't praise this enough. Having just binged the whole thing I'm impressed how the storyline unfolded, how the Whodunnit element of the series was unrelenting until the very end, and with the quality of the acting. I didn't catch the names of the writers, but I hope to see more of their stuff as soon as possible.

The only let-down is the supposed sex appeal of Lesley Sharp, who has more wrinkles than anyone I've ever seen. Some guy that could well be her grandson wants to take her to Paris for a romantic weekend? Seriously? Why?

If it wasn't for this laughably ridiculous and totally unnecessary part of the series it would be nigh on perfect. 😢

Big Sky (2020–2023)

Never Again

[1/10 · 4 November 2023]

Started out well, but quickly went downhill.

Of particular irritation is the perpetual country 'music'. This just never lets up, often twanging away over the dialogue, with Billy-Bob-Billy and Sue-Ellen-Sue, et al, viciously attacking the audience's senses. After two series I must admit I just couldn't take any more.

It did seem that the interesting original premise was dragged out to encompass syndicates, twin brothers, cartels, etc.

Everyone gets killed at one stage or another, but then is suddenly OK again.

The two heroines strut about in spray-on jeans, barely able to bend at the knee. Considering they're P. I.s this can't be practical.

The Vigilante (2023)

Generic vigilante movie

[1/10 · 21 September 2023]

Wanted to like this film, as it seems by the ratings a lot of people did, but it's so amateurish beyond belief.

Our hero, a lady with so many teeth she cannot actually close her mouth, is the usual war hero, expert at everything to do with warfare, of course.

Somehow her friend finds out where young girls are being housed (if it was that easy the cops would have already done it?), so they start breaking into these houses. No mask, no hood, no voice disguiser, nothing.

Amazingly, the cops talk to her about it. Wonder how they realised?

Everyone talks in a bizarre, muffled way, and I inevitably missed some of the dialogue.

In short, this has all been done before, only SO much better, so I really wouldn't bother if I were you.

I Am Rage (2023)

What was that!?

[1/10 · 6 August 2023]

Beats me how they manage to raise the money to make films like this, it really does.

Most of the characters are supposed to be yanks, but that changes by the sentence.

The family settled in Scotland in the 1800s, but inexplicably don't even speak with a Scottish accent.

There's the token macho tough guy, who just has to display his oiled up biceps at all times, despite this being Scotland, and my god does it get cold up there!

There's also the preposterous storyline involving drinking blood to prolong life.

The heroine, an extremely scrawny and emaciated lady, somehow has superhuman strength.

For all these reasons this just ain't worth your time.

The Jackal (1997)

Good, but could've been so much better

[5/10 · 17 May 2023]

Bruce Willis is pretty good in this. Cold, calculating and charismatic.

Poitier doesn't put a foot wrong.

Even that stunning French actress from Lifeforce is great.

But Richard Gere was absolutely awful! His accent sucks, his character is portrayed as some kind of misunderstood hero, when he's a proven IRA murdering scumbag.

I can't understand why this Irish lunatic even had to be in the film. He brings the whole story down, way down.

Apparently this film was based on Day Of The Jackal, but was changed so much that they didn't have to pay any money to Forsyth or the producers. Pretty cheap thing to do.

Bodies (2004–2006)

Interesting, but.......

[2/10 · 25 April 2023]

This show started out well. I'm not sure if we're supposed to like the Rob character, but it's not long before he comes across as just as unlikeable and amoral as the rest of them. He has sexual relationships with a number of women, but it's clear he only loves himself, and quickly becomes a thoroughly revolting man

The series is a miserable conglomeration of medical failures from start to finish, I'm afraid.

Starting out with interesting stories that are graphic in their depiction, there becomes a definite element of sameness as the episodes go on.

I wanted to like this show, as I've liked Mercurio's other stuff, but it's certainly not something I'd ever watch again.

Let Us Prey (2014)

Do what?

[5/10 · 6 April 2023]

I wanted to enjoy this, it looked like a watchable film, but as the dialogue is heavily accented I turned the subtitles on.

Big mistake.

I don't know who's responsible for these, but they bear no reference whatsoever to what's actually being spoken!

I am hearing impaired, but even so it was obvious that what was being said was not what was written on the screen.

What is the point of that??

Trying to work out just what the hell is going on is so distracting it quite ruins the entire film!

Whoever is responsible should be sacked, cos they're not doing their job!

Or made to listen to Donald Trump and Piers Morgan on a 24-hour loop.

Luther: The Fallen Sun (2023)

Really Not Worth Your Time

[1/10 · 13 March 2023]

I wanted to like this film. Even though the TV series was a little on the daft side, it was in its way original. But this total abomination of a film was so over the top, so ridiculously overblown, so farfetched and pathetic I could not stand to watch more than 15 minutes. And that was doing it a favour. In those few minutes we're treated to an unbelievably camp, bouffanted poor excuse for a villain with a penchant for women's clothing. He's as scary as a fart. Superhuman Luther fights his way out of a prison (yeah. Right.). Whoever wrote this crap, I can't be bothered to find out, should be returned to his padded cell as soon as possible.

DI Ray (2022– )

Brilliant and contemporary

[10/10 · 1 March 2023]

Wow! This show blew me away. Institutionalised racism at the highest level in 2022. The concept is staggering, but my god it's not impossible to believe.

I've always found shows and films about racism fascinating, as the depths these subhumans plumb and their self-righteous attitudes at the same time are absolutely staggeringly and make for compulsive viewing. Just what is it about a person's skin colour that makes them more, or less, worthy?

I do hope that there's another series of this provocative show. Fantastic actors, given fantastic parts to play, with a fantastic script to go by. Sod watching people cook, this is actually worth watching!

The Spa (2013– )

BRITTAS EMPIRE 2

[5/10 · 24 January 2023]

There are some great actors in this show, and it's great to see them in a comedy, but this is an obvious Brittas Empire rip-off 😓 Rebecca Front, Tim Healy, Debbie Chazen, Frances Barber and all try their very hardest with the limited material on offer, but it's not really a big surprise that the show got cancelled after the first series.

Unfortunately Derren Litten seems to have an extremely limited repertoire when it comes to comedy. I love Benidorm and have all the DVDs, but it can be a bit hit and miss.

This show is exactly the same in that respect.

I wanted to love it to bits, but alas....

Small Axe: Mangrove (2020) Season 1, Episode 1

Stunning and heart-breaking stuff

[10/10 · 23 January 2023]

Being born in 1965 and being none too bright, I had no idea about this story, this court case, etc., and it's really hit me hard. There's been films and TV series on TV about racism in the US, but the Mangrove story being so English and so recent is mind-blowing.

How anyone can think a person is different (less) just because of their skin colour simply beggars belief.

Was police officer intelligence at such an abysmally low level that they went along with this idea, supported it and wholeheartedly agreed with it back then? These disgraces didn't deserve to be called officers of the law. Shameful. 😓

Having said all the above, I did think that this and the other Small Axe programs were far too long, and would've benefited greatly by a little judicious editing.

Renegades (2022)

Seriously?

[1/10 · 8 January 2023]

Hard to believe that this film actually got made, to be honest.

Paul Barber - Denzil from Only Fools - must be desperate for money, but surely there must be better work than this?

There's Patsy Kensit, whose replacement top set of teeth are SO big they actually change the shape of her face, and make her struggle with speech.

There's some lump pretending to be a police inspector with lips pumped up so much she looks like she's purely there to add a comedic element. Makes me think of a sink plunger. She too really struggles to get coherent words out and her ginormous rear end, sad to say, restricts her getting in and out of police vehicles.

Then there's the godawful 'song' playing all through the film. Repetitive, mindless nonsense. And the allusion to a sequel!! 🤦

To top it all off there's 75 year old Stephanie Beacham as a police chief!

If this film is really the best we Brits can do we seriously want to give up now!

Silent Witness: Greater Love: Part 2 (2013) Season 16, Episode 10

Just not the same

[5/10 · 20 December 2022]

Leo leaves, and it's easy to see why: Harry has gone to America and some loudmouthed, arrogant, bellend is trying, and failing, to replace him.

Nothing lasts forever, but by god this show ain't what it was!

I managed to persevere through the appalling Sam Ryan years, and really enjoyed the casual humour of the show and the likeable characters, but now I may well give it up.

By the way, was Sam really meant to be quite that arrogant, with a perpetual, smug little grin on her face that never went away? Or was it just the actress, who I've never seen in any other show? Her long lost son reappeared in later episodes, but with a different name, somehow. Seems like they've done this quite a bit over the years. 🤔

Blue Bloods (2010–2024)

Like the very best shows, Blue Bloods is fantastically unpredictable

[9/10 · 17 December 2022]

What a great show!

Different, interesting and absorbing stories that are great to watch. There are some brilliant actors here, and they act their socks off. Big Tom is entirely believable in his role. Even Wahlberg, with his ever-thickening hair, is highly watchable.

The guy that plays Anthony is a particular joy, and adds humour to every scene he's in.

If I have a gripe it's that someone ought to tell Tom 'Windmill' Selleck to stop throwing his arms around. Seems like he's going to hit someone. And he does it all the time! Maybe he thinks if he tries hard enough he'll take off?

I hope this show runs and runs.

Whitechapel (2009–2013)

Old, old, old

[1/10 · 10 November 2022]

Woefully contrived to the point of ridiculousness, this farcical show both staggers and depresses me. The copycat storyline has been covered to death, yet somehow the producers want us to believe this can happen four times, one after the other. To say this beggars belief is an understatement.

While the actors are good, and do their best with the clunky scripts, it's of no avail.

It goes to show the terrible state of British TV these days when instead of something fresh and original all they can do is rehash old, old stories.

There are hundreds of fantastic books out there that have yet to be televised, but we have to put up with this?

Inside Man (II) (2022)

Just Wrong

[1/10 · 18 October 2022]

This series purports to be some kind of comedy-drama, if I read it right. Within the first hour David Tennant has a 'funny' interchange with a teacher re the ownership of a flash drive containing hardcore child pornography. This isn't funny. It's not amusing. And it should definitely not be made light of. I can't imagine how the writers came up with this storyline, and sincerely hope it's not based on personal experience. Nor can I imagine how it is that they decided this would be a fun idea to write about, light-heartedly. Paedophilia is the most disgusting thing in this world and anyone involved in it deserves to be put down. I for one don't want to watch a TV show like this!

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989)

Pointless

[1/10 · 1 October 2022]

I can't believe some of the reviews on here, calling this film very funny and hilarious. It's probably the lamest "comedy" ever made. And talking of making, why on earth did they bother to make this?

I hope this film lost money, maybe that'll discourage sadly deluded producers from even considering making another turkey like this.

The dialogue is pathetic, the storyline totally inconsequential and Adrienne Barbeau should have known better. For such a wonderful and talented actress to stoop so low is mind-blowing.

This is the kind of film that just doesn't deserve to exist. It's not funny, it's not horrific, it's not worth watching.

Ridley (2022– )

Distinctly average

[5/10 · 26 September 2022]

While it's absolutely fantastic to have a programme that isn't some poorly-scripted supposed reality show 😃👍, this copshow isn't exactly ground-breaking.

The acting is good, no problem there, but I was left feeling somewhat underwhelmed.

Adrian Dunbar puts in a good effort, as do the rest of the cast really, but they're not given much in the way of material to work with.

My real bugbear with the series is the 'music'. It's terrible. A tuneless dirge, both on record and supposedly played live in the jazz club.

Not since I unfortunately witnessed an extremely smug Jeff Goldblum's appalling piano 'playing' have I been so close to jumping out of the nearest window.

Let's hope the next series has better storylines. 🤞

Maneater (2022)

Nah, just nah

[1/10 · 17 September 2022]

Yessirree y'all, the redneck saves the day, gawdammit!

The acting and script in this much-hyped film is absolutely atrocious. Why Jeff Fahey signed up for it beats me, maybe he has money troubles.

We're led to believe that these people are stranded on this island, with no hope of rescue, but every time there's a wider camera shot there's loads of boats around!

The CGI shark is amazing, able to change it size and shape at will.

The island paradise this film is set in is supposedly off Hawaii, but could well be Bognor, as it's as grey, windy and dark as a British summer.

Our hero, Harlan, struggles to speak discernable English, and is to acting as freezing water is to an erection.

Sadly, yet another film in the 'why did they bother' category.

Deus (2022)

So bad, it's... well, bad

[1/10 · 16 September 2022]

Firstly, this plotline about this sphere transmitting the word "god" in 4,000 languages. It doesn't. And that whole concept, which made me want to watch this film in the first place, isn't in the film. Not a great start is it?

This Australian lady that's portraying a Brit really needs to put a few more clothes on, it's not a good look for someone that looks so old.

Richard Blackwood has the acting chops of a potato, and I seriously thought he was gonna turn out to be a robot. But no, he's just wooden and emotionless.

There's a whole lot of Alien comparisons all in all, but not in a good way.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)

One of the best comedies of all time

[10/10 · 12 September 2022]

Watching this again last night it really struck me how times have changed, in only fourteen years. The jokes, the attitudes, the very behaviour. Such a laugh-out-loud comedy certainly wouldn't and couldn't be made today. What have we become?

"Comedies" today both on film and TV just aren't.

In particular, the Homeland security guy is a laugh a minute. His racism, homophobia and ignorance have to be seen and heard to be believed. He's absolutely hilarious in his portrayal of an always-right person of authority, who nevertheless is totally clueless as to what's actually going on.

Kal Penn and John Cho are again superbly funny, and extremely good actors.

Even George W gets involved, and this guy is just as good as the three already mentioned.

If you haven't seen this film, do so, but prepare yourself to laugh again!

Strike Back (2010–2020)

What a show!

[10/10 · 8 September 2022]

Excellent series, it's a real shame it finished when it did. I've been binge watching this over the last few days, and I honestly have trouble turning it off to go to bed!

The guest stars, usually English, are quite surprising in that there are many famous faces.

The first series is totally different to the following ones, but just as good.

In particular, American Philip Winchester does an amazing, remarkable English accent, and acts his socks off. I've never heard of the other fella, his partner, but there's an obvious chemistry between the pair.

I hope the makers have a change of heart (as they seem to do a lot just lately), and make many more.

The Invisible Man (I) (2020)

Classic stuff

[10/10 · 23 August 2022]

Whannell and Blum really deliver here, in one of their best films in recent years. The original story by Wells has been intelligently reworked and makes for some riveting viewing. Elizabeth Moss acts her socks off and is totally believable in her role.

Highly recommended!

They Live (1988)

They do indeed

[10/10 · 17 August 2022]

I didn't really like this film when it first came out, but watching it now I can appreciate it for the classic it is. Carpenter says this film was an allegory regarding the USA during the Regan years. To watch it now it seems apt to compare it to the UK under the Tory government. Voters are blinded by empty, lying promises and cannot see that we're all being sent down the river.