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NiceMrJohn
Reviews
Rock Star (2001)
Please folks just look away
Ok so I was real excited to see this movie when I rented it. I even had beer, and when I have beer its easy to enjoy just about everything. And I was really into the true life story of Ripper Owens, the kid who got to sing for Judas Priest, which this movie was partially based on. I have a strong feeling in my psychic verberaorations Ripper's life is about 100 times more fun than this doo-doo.
Its sad because this is a great premise for a story, small time kid who plays in tribute band actually gets to sing for the band he has been emulating his whole life. That's super. Well Wahlberg plays the geekiness/metalness pretty well. But get this, even though he has dedicated his LIFE to loving, imitating, and worshipping this band, he gets all goofed up over the fact that he can't write their songs now that he actually is in the band. Suddenly he doesn't know that the guitarist and drummer always write the songs(That would seem like vital info to a true fan). Suddenly this is a problem. WHAT? Suddenly lets just ditch our character for the convenience of a plot turner.
Wait I'm getting another vision, Jennifer Aniston in another movie! Basically we get the same ol Rachel character she plays on TV, but with metal hair. "Be be bebebebeebbebe" whatever the hell she always does. Its old and terrible. Anyway she play's Wahlberg's girlfriend in the flick and is there to do little more than get happy when he does something good (YAaaaY!) and fret the rest of the time. Oh boo hoo, we're getting into drugs, oh boo hoo all the other band members' wives are sluts and plus they hit on me and make me question my sexuality. Yeah boo hoo. This was only a DREAM of hers, and Marky Mark's, but now its just upsetting! Women should be more willing to make sacrifices for their men, THATs what I think.
But folks, this is the KICKER. The movie is almost over, we hope, we think. Wahlberg's playing in the band and suddenly just DECIDES to take off, handing the mike to some punk KID in the first row and lets him finish the show. The other members of the band just play on like yeah this is fine. That enables Marky to leave the stage, ON HIS OWN TERMS PEOPLE let it be known. He turns to the stage manager and goes " I gotta take a p***" (which is actually supposed to reference something romantic from early on - Just think of "Good Will Hunting"s line "I had to go see about a girl" but totally MeTaLized and you've got the idea).
THEN, OK THEN... We flash forward a year or two and Alternative rock is in!! Mark has his hair cut alterna-short and is wearing a cute little fuzzy hippy sweater and singing in a smoky coffeehouse. Oh, thank GOD you got COOL! Another character ditching!! A true metalhead would never fall so far. LAME. So here he is belting out this little soft sweet love tune while the other members (made up of the tribute band he was in at the beginning, they had a HUGE fallingout but yet here they are all together at the end, FRIENDS FOREVER XXXXOOOOXXXXXOOOO) back him up, also with cute little haircuts and pleasant, loving visages. Then Rachel comes in and he talks so SOFTLY to her its so sweet!!! CUE THE CREDITS BABY THAT WAS SUCH A GOLDEN ENDING. Thanks a lot test audiences!!!
So I guess I didn't like it at all. Negative 1 star out of 4. Yes its that bad.
Oh wait I forgot I wanted to upgrade this one star because they played "Good Vibrations" in the end credits. Ok 0 stars out of 4.
A Night at the Roxbury (1998)
Not so damn bad
Night at the Roxbury is surprisingly entertaining. Maybe more so for me because I actually had a friend fix me up in one of those 80's style suits (Of course it was only 1990) to go pick up women. It didn't work but it makes for a damn funny movie. The characters are fleshed out as much as possible, Doug(Kattan) is the smart(er), weasely one, while Steve(Ferrell) is the dumb, lovable one. The two of them have some good moments together, especially when they're fighting. It will remind you of how you fought with your friends when you were younger. Like when you were 8.
Molly Shannon shows up and miraculously, is pretty funny. She's a horny broad from next door who tries to get Steve to "make out" with her all the time. Plus the guy who was in Scary Movie, Lochlyn Munro, plays Steve and Doug's trainer at the gym. He's always telling them how he's "very concerned about their triceps". And Chazz Palminteri is a club owner who asks everyone (even if they are clear across the room) "Did you just grab my ass?"
So anyfrigginwayz check this one out on cable. I don't know if I would say rent it because then expectations go up. Better to wait for the almost-free version. 2 stars out of 4.
Let's Talk About Sex (1998)
Hot Babes run around getting laid
I caught this movie on cable the other night. Its funny because I saw the cover for it in the video store and it has the three main actresses with skimpy halter tops painted onto their bodies. Nice try to get men to watch, but guys if you're looking for nudity, forget it.
Anyway, these three skirts all live together in a nice apartment in downtown New York. We got a black girl named "Jazz", (because the black characters in a movie all should have cool nicknames associated with music, that's how we know they're cool!), a jewess, and an italian chick. The italian girl is supposed to be the extra-spicy slut, but the jewish girl, played by Paget Brewster, is exceptionally hot. But then I have a thing for jewesses so go figure or who knew or whatever.
Anyway, Jazz wants to make a movie about girls talking about sex. We get the usual super-smart fem-banter, like "You go girl!","Men are dogs!" and "Why can't a man be faithful, damn girl!" Then her dumb friends somehow lose all her footage and she freaks out and cries a lot. I don't know why she was so upset, her movie sucked. Except the part where they get women to talk about walking around topless. That gave the filmmakers an excuse to do a dream sequence of girls sitting at a cafe topless, but since the girl I liked wasn't one of them I didn't give a red-hot damn.
Juicy sideplots like the italian girl being a big slut and the jewish girl doing stuff, (ironically I can't remember what her purpose was, even though she was my favorite - probably cuz everytime she was onscreen I was fantasizing about those big juicy lips of hers) all fail to distract from the fact that this is just one big fat tease. If I were one of these actresses, I would've demanded that I have a nude scene. These up and comers think they will go anywhere with trite crap like this, they're fooling themselves.
C'mon, you ain't big till you show it girls. This "suggested sexuality" doesn't fly with the people with most of the money, i.e. the ticket buying public, i.e. men. Yeah baby, the blood is racing to my imagination already. Let me recite a short but sweet list: Meg Ryan, Nicole Kidman, Demi Moore, Julianne Moore, Mena Suvari, Kim Basinger, even Meryl Streep. What do they all have in common? They all got naked at one point in their careers. Get with the program ladies.
Oh yeah, so back to the movie. Jazz forgets all about her dumb-ass movie once the man in her life comes back to her, which is a great message to send to women looking for an inspiration to be independent. This big black stud comes along and just whips her right back into girlfriend shape in no time, good work my friend, good work. That's sort of unintentionally funny, I guess. Another highlight is when the jewish girl cries about something, she looks really hot for some reason. It reminded me of when I was 5 and I was reading Archie comics and got turned on for the first time ever because Archie was pulling Veronica's hair and she was crying. Of course I didn't know why it turned me on, and I still don't know why this one did either.
Worth a look for laughs, and to see how women who don't exist and will never date you interact with each other. 1 and a half stars out of 4.
Below Utopia (1997)
Body Count, Body Count, Body Body Body Count
If you rented this movie thinking there would be some reference to Ice T's metal experimentation Body Count, then you're an idiot. Actually you're cool for liking the group, but you're still an idiot for renting this. I saw it on cable and for some reason sat through the whole thing.
Alyssa Milano plays the girlfriend to a rich kid, whom she accompanies to his rich a-hole parents' mansion out in the boondocks. Quickly we learn that her boyfriend is free from all the influences he grew up with. We know this because she keeps nagging him to go back to being a teacher. She keeps doing this because well, he makes cute artsy references to things that famous writers like Shaw said. See, all people that carry around cool quotes in their noggins to impress girls with are all smart and should definitely be guiding our youth today. Cuz its so much more damn fulfilling than making money and stuff.
Anyway, we don't get to know the family for very long, cause Tommy "Tiny" Lister and Ice T and their token white boy break in and blow everyone away. Its too bad too, the chief from the show "Chips" was playing the Dad or the Uncle and was drinking scotch and getting hammered. I figured since he'd been working at McD's the past 20 years he would be glad to just be in a movie, even this one. But noooo, he's just in there for Ice T to bust a cap in his highway patrollin' ass.
It seems T and his cross-eyed buddy Tiny are interested in the lame collection of art in the boyfriend's house. That's right, not only is T a cold blooded killa, he also appreciates good art! We also know he's more intellectual than your average killa because he wears glasses.
So Alyssa and her horny-ass boyfriend, (they have sex twice but you don't see jack because Alyssa was beyond that sorta crazy stuff at that point - besides who cares, the hottest place to see her nude is in Bikini magazine before she got her implants, and she still kinda looked like the 16 yr. old Sam from Who's the Boss?) they decide to play John McClane and sneak and hide around the house avoiding Mr. Original Gangsta and Mr. Glazed Eyed Fatty. Alyssa even hides in the AC shaft, I kept expecting her to go "Now I know what a TV dinner feels like!"
Eventually we find out a family member is involved in the whole scheme, and then there is an even lamer twist at the end that I don't want to give away. Mostly because then imdb might not post this, not because its thrilling or anything. If there is anything positive about this flick, I would say the film quality is good, it doesn't have that grainy look of cheap movies. But I guess all they really needed to do was rent that one big house since the whole movie takes place there. And of course Ms. Milano is a damn fine pleasure to watch. Those have to be the sexiest lips I've seen. And we do get to watch her wriggle into that AC shaft - from behind. At least the director had some sense. And of course, Ice T is always fun to watch as long as he's just playing himself, not a stupid art thief. Oh wait never mind.
They Live (1988)
Action without the guilt
Fans of John Carpenter's work are familiar with his directing style: slow, atmospheric with a lot of shots of a character just kind of walking around and discovering things. This has worked like gold in movies like "Halloween" but not so great in cinematic messes like "Prince of Darkness" and "Escape from New York".
"They Live" is not a departure from this formula in the least. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper plays the drifter Nada, who stumbles across a whole secret society of rich yuppie aliens attempting to take over the world. We don't really get to know Nada at all (although Piper is definitely not as bad of an actor as you would think), in fact, there aren't really any fleshed out characters or relationships in the entire movie. The star attraction is the aliens, and their ability to put subliminal messages such as "Sleep", "Consume", and "Reproduce" in everyday advertising and literature.
Other than that slightly cerebral aspect, this movie is really just a guy's action movie. The closest thing we get to characterization is when Rowdy and a fellow drifter sit recovering from one of the longest fight scenes ever in the movies. The other drifter is played by the awesome Keith David, who Piper beats the snot out of, WWF style in a concrete back alleyway. After the whuppins, Piper forces David to put on the magic Ray-Bans (he found them just lying in a box in an abandoned house) that allow you to see the aliens masquerading as humans. Later in a dingy motel room, Piper tells David about his father, who would talk to his young son about them rich folks that keep him and his kin down. The nugget of wisdom passed on to his son was simpy this: "There's gon be hell to pay".
Plus the only male-female relationship we get to witness is betweem Piper and icy blue-eyed character actress Meg Foster. It goes as follows - He kidnaps her, he tells her "don't f**k with me", she throws him through a plate glass window where he proceeds to fall two stories and roll down a hill. But wait, she soon realizes that this big dumb wrestler was just trying to save the world from yuppie aliens. So when she sees him again and tries to apologize, all she gets out is "I..." and a shake of her head before the building the two of them are in explodes. Hey, this is a MAN's movie BABY! No time for apologies!
Nada doesn't really wait for explanations anyway. As soon as he can identify the yuppies that are actually aliens, he starts blowing them away with a shotgun, including a couple cops. This is where he blurts his now infamous tagline, "I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum". What he is really saying is this: "You yuppie scum have taken everything I have, so I must shoot you in the face." Good night and thanks for playing.
All in all, "They Live" is badly acted, badly written, slow, and has an extremely skeletal plot.
But I loved it. Seldom do movies come along this unapologetic and guilt free. This is everything Carpenter's "Big Trouble in Little China" should have been but wasn't. The action plays like a video game at times, and it totally "gets the joke" of itself: the finale is played out on top of a TV station right next to the big satelitte dish. It does do a great job of spearing capitalism and rich white-man culture, but it never goes too far or gets too preachy. If you're in the mood for some goofy fun, grab a six pack of the cheapest beer you can find and watch "They Live".