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Reviews
Lizzo: About Damn Time (2022)
The weirdest thing happened while watching this...
My friend had this on and I swear, the whole time it was playing, the room smelled like rotten eggs and rancid fried chicken. I kept thinking, "did someone have a bad Waffle House breakfast??" And then I figured my friend maybe just had a stomach problem and I didn't want to embarrass her, but she's pretty classy and not likely to do something like that. The aroma started to permeate my clothes and I felt like it was adhering to my skin. I started becoming very self-conscious but my friend was oblivious to it all. And then the show ended and the weird stench went away. I have no idea what happened. Just one of life's mysteries, I guess.
Hellraiser (2022)
To quote Austin Powers...
"That's a man, baby." Welcome to 2022 where real life monsters portray on screen monsters and we're expected to act like it's normal. This should be avoided at all costs because the last thing you want to do is help fund more projects with people like this. The original is a classic. Doug Bradley is the only Pinhead. This whole project is an abomination. In other news, Halloween Ends is not good, VHS 99 ain't so great, and horror on the whole is suffering. Don't support bad movies like Hellraiser or we'll just get more of this. What's next, a remake of Jaws where the shark identifies as non-binary? Oh no, I probably just gave some studio exec an idea.
Samaritan (2022)
Just pure entertainment from a Hollywood legend
Stallone isn't breaking any new ground here, but who cares? This was nothing but fun from start to finish in an era where every movie has to ram some diversity nonsense down your throat. Were there plot holes? Yes. Was some of it a bit too much to buy into? Yes. Was it a good time overall? Absolutely. I'm sure the expected negative reviews will start flooding in, but that's because some people don't understand the concept of mindless entertainment. Not everything has to be Schindler's List. If I get one more notification that I haven't reached 600 characters, I'm going to lose it here. I think this site is broken.
Bosch: Legacy (2022)
So happy to have Titus Well over back, but...
Bringing back Madison Lintz was such a bad move. She's quite possibly the worst actress to come along since Madeleine Martin as Becca Moody in Californication. Both have a trademark acting style that is best described as emotionless and stiff and they can't deliver lines convincingly. They should have recast the Matted Busch character completely. On the plus side, it's great having Honey Chandler back as well as appearances from Crate and Barrel and J. Edgar.
The Midnight Swim (2014)
Thank God the actresses were attractive
This was 90 minutes of boredom saved only by the fact that the three sisters are very pretty and you wouldn't mind being stuck in a house with them for a long weekend. As far as any horror elements - I couldn't find them. This was a feminist romp through crazy town and that's pretty much it.
What If...? (2021)
Could have been so much better...
Episode 7 with Thor and Craptain Marvel was pretty much every bit as awful as you would expect. For the few episodes I watched, none of them were particularly compelling. The original What If comic book was vastly superior to this dreck.
A Haunting on Dice Road 2: Town of the Dead (2017)
The moment you see Brian Harnois from Ghost Hunters...
Is the moment you realize you're watching something truly horrible. Not horrifying, just horrible. Brian brings the same stunning lack of personality and likeability to this that he brought to GH. Everything about this was cheesy. I'm giving it 4 stars just for the joy it gave me in seeing Brian being so awful again.
My Heart Can't Beat Unless You Tell It To (2020)
Boring, lame, and lacking in horror
Shudder has been a real bummer lately with some of these movies that aren't really horror as much as they're just some terrible Lifetime drama with horror elements mixed in. This kid is a vampire. His siblings kill to get him blood. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Central Park (2020)
Josh Gad is just not interesting
This is one of those shows where some mediocre talent thinks he or she can also do one of those "fun animated shows", but just like Bless The Harts, this is proof that some people should stay in their lane. It's as if they have zero concept of what makes Bob's Burgers so funny and charming and that's criminal since Loren Bouchard is involved.
Death Ranch (2020)
This movie exists only to be awesome!
I stumbled across this on Prime and the description of three black people running from the law and ending up on the hunting grounds of the Klan was enough to hook me. But wow, what followed was so unexpected! Cannibalism, extreme violence, bloodshed, and carnage - all the things you want in a horror movie. And even though the main protagonist was an escaped criminal, you couldn't help but pull for him to come out on top at the end. Ignore the lower rated reviews - this is pure fun and a total must see!
Celebrity Crush (2019)
I've seen high school plays with better acting
You've really reached the bottom of the barrel in terms of story and acting if you watched this mess. It's flat out horrible.
Terror at Blood Fart Lake (2008)
Total garbage
If anyone has rated this higher than 3 stars, they're connected to the film and they're trying to put one over on you. This is a steaming pile.
Jolt (2021)
Not bad for a straight up revenge film, but...
I was actually enjoying this movie in spite of the fact that some elements were largely preposterous, mainly because I just like revenge films, but then something weird happened. A straight up monster appeared and the whole movie just stopped making sense. If you can get past that, you might enjoy it.