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One Night with the King (2006)
It's fascinating to see the Bible come to life
Years ago I read the whole Bible through; and when I finished the Old Testament book of Esther I said, 'That should be a movie'. Well 6 years later I want my royalties. It is fascinating to see Bible characters come to life. I forget that people didn't really speak, "Verily, thus and saith", but had real conversations, like you and I, complete with silliness, emotion and sarcasm.
Take the time to read the 10 chapters of the book of Esther before seeing this picture! If you don't own a Bible then find one on-line and read it first (biblegateway.com); because it will make what you see come that much more to life.
I loved the part where Haman was forced to parade Mordecai, his mortal enemy, through the streets. I never picked up on the love story prior to seeing this in film form though. That's the magical part of the Bible and it's stories - it's as simple as the dumbest person, and as complex as the smartest genius simultaneously.
This picture is very good; I think it does wonderful justice to both the Jewish people and Christian believers alike. Among the Faithful or not; check it out regardless.
In Good Company (2004)
Was this really a movie?
I sat thru this "movie" last night, though I'm not sure it qualifies to carry that title. It was definitely a film; but closer to a documentary though. It definitely doesn't fall within the 9 or 11 possible plots that Shakespeare invented, because it has no plot. In the end Carter didn't conquer his oppressors, he didn't get the girl, he didn't win the contest, he didn't move on to greater accomplishments and he didn't die tragically - he didn't do anything. The producers must have just run out of money or gotten bored (more likely) and said, "Okay, that's a wrap".
If you followed me around with a camera for about a year in my life sometimes I'd say something funny and make you laugh, or I'd make you cry when a sad event happened to me, or I might even make you excited watching my love life - but it wouldn't make for a very good movie would it? And that in summary is what you have here: "...Featuring an all star cast - doing nothing".
I know I'm knit-picking now but Topher Grace should play Jeff Gordon in a movie about his life story, 'cause he freaking looks and sounds just like him, and Scarlett Johansson (to quote Dr. Evil) is a man, baby (or at least that gruff cigarette voice and lack of femininity makes her appear like one).
It's not horribly acted or void of laughs and touching moments, it's just unfinished, pointless and better passed over at the video store.
The Punisher (2004)
"From weak (Dolph Lundgren) to super lame (Thomas Jane)" - Cartman
I know, I know, the genre doesn't translate well from paper and ink to celluloid, but c'mon; what a waste! 'The Incredible Hulk' was awful, 'Batman' became a fiasco that still hasn't fully recovered thoroughly, and 'The Fantastic Four' was just not good (though in all fairness Jessica Alba is really hot); but I'm gonna' say it, oh yea - Dolph Lundgren's Punisher was better! But...better in the same way that Bruce Willis summed it up in 'The Last Boy Scout': is it better to get hit in the stomach or the head? At least Dolph emoted anger, confusion and chaos. Hell, this Punisher's address is listed on switchboard.com; drop on by and have a drink! And then I see they're making a part 2 to this garbage! Then add to Bruce's quote, or hit in the nads. This one could have been a contender, instead they just botched it. I know that in real life a guy in skin-tight spandex/leather with a skeleton head would look like an ass, but break me off a little something from the comic book next time, okay? (Like I'm gonna' sit thru a second installment of this!).
Bad News Bears (2005)
They like to cuss, don't they?
I don't mind foul and abusive language, it's my vernacular all day long. I've heard it reflects ignorance, but it's only ignorant when you work at swearing as hard as these producers did: (paraphrase) "Hey kid, get me a sh*tt*n' Coke, and hurry up you little sh*t". I'm not offended, I'm just bored. Who was the target audience for this? The language was geared to older teens, but the storyline to kids; so everybody loses. The gimmick with the wheelchair kid was funny, in a Matt Stone / Trey Parker kind of way, but they went no where with it. The sexual references were way inappropriate for the target audience, I loved explaining "got my period" to my 8 year old. I'm no prude, h*ll, I'm actually pretty liberal and cut my kids a lot of slack on language (I subscribe to the old 'sticks-and-stones...' theory), but even I was put off by this picture. Skip it, it's just ain't worth a sh*t.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
Excellent picture!
(See it in IMAX if you get the chance) Perhaps the only remake I've ever seen that exceeds the original. Partly because technology has improved, partly because it's truer to the original novel and mostly because Johnny Depp can out-act Gene Wilder. Also, play 'I-know-that-person-from-that-movie' as you watch it, because Tim Burton apparently has a cast of regulars he likes working with, but their collective work includes 'Because of Winn Dixie', 'Big Fish', 'Finding Neverland' and even 'Flash Gordon'. The colors are fantastic, the story is down-right funny (even to adults) and everyone will enjoy this picture, young and old!
The Notebook (2004)
Million times better!
Way better than Million Dollar Baby! A movie about a man who keeps fighting against the odds, instead of a movie about a fighter who quits. Prepare to cry though, no matter how tough you are. And I ain't talking those Million Dollar crocodile tears neither; this is some heartfelt stuff! And this is also an excellent resource to rekindle a marriage that's slipped a little into complacency too. Put the kids away, get some tissue, and snuggle up. Then afterward commit to be as much in love as they are. That will be a good evening for you. And the character of young Ali. Give me a spirited gal any day! Any woman who can sit topless for hours in the SC sun and paint, is a gal you'll want to get to know.
Million Dollar Baby (2004)
Nothing but "Hootie" hype
In 1995 Hootie and the Blowfish were everywhere, they were the number 1 album in the country, they were all over the radio, and now? Now Hootie is dressed up on TV like Porter Wagoner selling burgers. What happened? It was all hype; America has to have a #1, has to have something to hype, and since nothing was better than Hootie that year, it was number one by default; not really that good, just all hype - and so is this movie.
Look at its competition - Ray and The Aviator. I'm no racist, but is there really that much demand for a movie about Ray Charles? Next time your friends start that "Ray Charles was a musical genius" talk, say, "Wow, you must be a big fan, how many of his albums do you have?". The response will sound like this, "Well, I don't actually have any of his albums, but...". Again, recently-dead-man-PC-correct hype; but still just hype. The Aviator is at least 20 years too late coming out. I was born in '67 and barely recall hearing of Howard Hughes when he died. Ask anyone under 30 who he was and they may know. Ask them why he's rich and famous and they'll have no clue. Supporting my theory again, Million Dollar Baby is #1 by default, there's nothing better right now to hype.
Let's break it down: It was TOO long and too slow. Why was Clint estranged from his daughter? We don't know, they never bothered to tell us. The truth is Clint should give his Oscar to Dana Reeves, Superman's wife, because this movie is Christopher Reeve's story, just minus the horse accident. In real life sometimes strong people get hurt accidentally and they die - the end. That's life, but it's not a very good movie.
A better movie A) They tell us more of the girl's terrible upbringing and show her awful family more, and she becomes heavyweight champion (okay, it's called Rocky and we've seen that already). B) She fights to overcome the neck injury and regains limited mobility and (semi) defeats paralysis (I'm sure this has been done too, I just don't know what it was called). C) She really can't get better, but Clint loves her as his surrogate daughter (because they've better explained where is real daughter is) and he cares for her the rest of her life because he finally learned to love somebody (again, probably been done). Any of those beat what we got.
Lastly, if you kill somebody, you don't just go have lemon pie; I'd bet the police might want to see you. And, I'm not Catholic, but a priest who drops the F-bomb at church, I don't think so. So be a "Hootie" sheep or see this picture for what it really ain't.
Hollywood Homicide (2003)
There's a movie in there somewhere
It's not a comedy exactly, it's not a drama exactly, maybe it's an action-adventure movie? No, not exactly. A sexy-leading-men-toy movie? No, not that either - it's all of these, yet none of them completely enough to be satisfyingly any one of them.
Two cops more interested in their side businesses than taking care of business. A ridiculous car chase / fight scene. A bumbling comedy that takes off on tangents not even related to the storyline.
And poor ol' Dwight Yoakam: he sure is ugly isn't he? I know he can't help it, but it's like he works at it! What was it Sharon Stone said after dating him - "She'd rather eat a dirt sandwich". That personality comes out in every picture he's ever done. Look at Panic Room, The Newton Boys, Sling Blade, etc. 'We need a really ugly, balding *sshole. I know, Dwight Yoakham!'.
If it's on TV, and there's nothing else on, okay then suffer thru it. But do not pay money to see this garbage.
Because of Winn-Dixie (2005)
I really wanted to like it more
My daughter made me read the book aloud to the whole family the week before the picture came out, so we could all attend together and know the story. Now I feel like one of those literary snobs, because the book was better than the movie. I found myself saying (sometimes out loud), "Hey, that's not how it goes!" when they would deviate from the book, which they did pretty frequently (I guess it's hard to fill 90 minutes from a 180 page children's book).
And this is knit-picking, and I know she's a little girl going thru an awkward pre-teen stage, but did anyone think Annasophia Robb's facial features and weird large eyes made her look like the kid in the "Aerials" video from 'System of a Down'?
Read the book (preferred) or see the movie, either/or, but not both. I'd have given it higher marks without knowing the story first.
Oh, and Dave Matthews, it ain't acting when you play yourself.
Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
Beyond awful
I thought that 'Last Action Hero' was the worst picture ever; the only time I ever left a theater during the middle of a movie. Well now that's two times (or at least should have been, the family wouldn't let me go).
If you're gonna' go for the Home-Alone-hit-in-the-head-crap, then do that. If you're gonna' go for the heart-touching-Christmas-story angle, then do that. If you're gonna' go for the 'burbs-freaky-neighbor-thing, then do that. But don't dabble in all of them and do justice to none. Horrid, boring, terrible, awful (get the idea?).
Choosing between 'The Kranks' and 'Last Action Hero' is choosing do you wanna' get hit in the head or in the stomach (props to Bruce Willis).
Vertical Limit (2000)
Sends the wrong message
In summary, to save Annie's life costs five other lives; hardly worth the price, right? The body count would have been less if Chris O'Donnell had just let her die up on the mountain. I hope she was really special or had the cure for cancer or something that grand to merit such a waste of humanity.
Bruce Almighty (2003)
Not blasphemous, not bad
I went expecting to be outraged at the "fun and goofs" they were going to have at God's expense, but I was pleasantly surprised. Not only was it not blasphemous, it actually could strengthen one's faith in the higher power. There were several scenes that were very deep in spiritual meaning, even if delivered thru the most annoyingly silly actor in Hollywood. Now granted, Jim Carrey is way over the top in this one sometimes (even by Jim Carrey standards), but move past it, laugh at some toilet humor, and be sure and catch the deeper meaning!
If you're going just to laugh at someone talking out of their butt or hitting themselves in the head with a hammer, then you've chosen the wrong picture. But if you appreciate a little thinking man's humor (yes I said "Jim Carrey" and "thinking man" in the same paragraph), then come off the hip and see this one!
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
What exactly is funny here?
I don't get it, I never laughed once, what is supposed to be funny? (And no I didn't find 'American Pie' funny, I'm somewhere between snob and moron apparently). I want my PPV fee back and I'll rent 'Van Wilder' instead.
Getting It On (1983)
I'm in this movie!
This was filmed in my neighborhood when I was a Freshman in High School. I was an extra in the school auditorium scene where the "sex tape" is shown, Want to know more, email me. This was originally called 'American Voyeur' when I went to the premiere where the mayor of Hickory, NC gave Olsen a key to the city, with a crowd full of people dressed to the 9's. Then, a coming-of-age flick movie came up on the screen; nice surprise for that crowd.