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Mr_Alphonso
Reviews
Halloween II (2009)
Incoherent monster-mash. Repulsive, pointless, & retarded film-making at its finest.
Zombie has successfully ruined a beloved franchise with his vulgar re-envisioning of Carpenter's classic.
Sorry man, WHITE TRASH is NOT scary. The brutality and profanity of the characters are a complete turn off. Of all the cast, I wished that Laurie Strode had died in the opening. You screwed up the remake, so why not slaughter our beloved heroine rather than turn her into the horrible character you created in the first. She was never ever likable to begin with in 2007. Audiences hated what you did. And with this remake you've surely flipped fans of the film the bird and robbed them at the same time. You're no damned auteur...you're a hack that thinks he can direct. And for the love of god, what was up with your wife and her white My Little Pony? Is it foreshadowing of a film you're making in the future?
H2 is a laughing joke. From beginning to end. There's no tension whatsoever, scares or even three-dimensional characters.
Wishing to god that he'd left his trailer park cast in the trailer park and crafted an origin tale in 2007 that goes beyond the beautifully simplistic layers of the 1978 original and 1981 follow-up. Zombie should be blamed for the demise of the Weinstein's company.
The Happening (2008)
M Night Shyamalan's Raging Inept Film-making
Hi guys...Sorry I made such a bad film. My heart just wasn't into it since FOX wouldn't let me write myself in as a major character. I'm sorry for the insipid dialog, slow pacing and overall retarded premise. I really phoned this one in. First, I must give an overdue thanks to Dan Lauria (The Wonder Years) for introducing me to Hollywood and helped me get my first gig with the film WIDE AWAKE that starred Rosie O'Donnell. Dan's a great actor and I never once gave him a part in any of my films because I believed I was a better actor.
Now, since I'm being forthcoming, let's take a look at my other "great" achievements: The Sixth Sense = Truth be told, I read this book by Richard Matheson called Stir of Echoes and I stole the entire story and just renamed it.
Unbreakable = well, I stole that from my kid.
Signs = I stole this from an assortment of David Koepp material. He even later discussed me in various interviews of how much I seem to borrow from him. Well, I love the guy's work and will continue to steal from him in the future.
The Village = While digging through my kids' bedroom, I found one of their school books and loved the cover which features a young blind girl, in a red cloak...the book's called RUNNING OUT OF TIME. It's published by Scholastic. I'll admit that I stole the entire story and retitled it. The author got upset, sued Disney and they paid out 10 million dollars. Then we collaborated on a public story saying that we had "creative" differences and my contract was severed. Oops.
Lady in the Water = I thought for my next, I should steal from the foreign market...I found this BETA tape of a film called The Time Travelers and I wrote the same story, in English, and called it my fairytale. Nobody understood it because nobody went to see it.
Now, we're stuck with The Happening = I stole this from a classic novel called Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham.
I am not a good filmmaker. I got lucky because I suck wieners like Eli Roth.
AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)
Retarded writing & half-bleeped directing.
Seriously? This film was a flaming pile of poop. I have no idea what the producers were thinking or if they actually read that stinky-monkey of a script.
If one would even call it a script. The dialog was beyond terrible, characters were inane and served absolutely no purpose, the "pred-alien" looked like a special-ed kid with dreadlocks and wearing a Cooper helmet.
And could the production not afford to light the sets? You couldn't see crap and the crap you could see looked like crap. This film was a joke. I hope to god that Shane Salerno never ever EVER writes another script again.
Just Add Water (2008)
Instant classic. I hate comparing, but it's this year's Juno...
I absolutely loved this film. It's endearing from beginning to end. Seeing it tonight at the DGA was a great way to spend the evening. I had no idea what I was walking into beyond the stellar cast comprised of Dylan Walsh, Tracy Middendorf, Danny DeVito and the ever beautiful Cerina Vincent. Rounding out the cast were a couple cameos including a great turn by uber-slacker Justin Long.
Funny. That's the underlying truth. But without the over-the-top syrup that comedies like this strive for. Dylan's stretching his legs into a new category of his career...a fine actor beyond the scope of Nip/Tuck. I'm anxious to see his role as the psychotic dad in The Stepfather remake lensing right now.
DeVito's voice-over carried the comedic scenes into a hilarious threshold and I found myself clapping while busting a gut at some of the sequences...including a nod at Blazing Saddles with a meth'd out woman punching a dog.
And Hart Bochner. What can I say? He forever left an image opposite Alan Rickman trying to broker a deal in the original Die Hard playing Ellis...well, chalk up his resume to a writer/director to watch in the coming years. He's transitioned quite well and created a gem of a little film.
Brilliant. Not to miss.
The Tripper (2006)
Jelly Beans, Purple Sticky Punch, Chainsaws and Ronald Reagan. Excerpt from The Horror Review
How does one label David Arquette's directorial debut? Possibly awe inspiring? No, too vague. I've got it
This film is a brilliantly executed politically charged homicidal satire of our generation.
David has created a new breed of a horror film. I'd liken The Tripper to early works by cult fave, George Romero. This film knocked my socks off. Crisp dialogue, great characters and enough scares to send shivers down your spine. Seriously.
The story, from my perspective, is a throwback to classic 70's and 80's horror romps fused with the trickle down ideals that Reagan gave to us.
The Tripper opens with an obscure kid watching his father arguing with "save the redwoods" activists and results in a very bloody end that gives little Michael Myers a run for his money in the opening scene of Halloween. From here the narrative blooms like cannabis and follows a group of twenty-somethings as they travel to a love and peace concert, hosted by an aged Pee-Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) in the very woods that the opening tragedy occurred. The group is led by the breathtaking Jamie King, Stephen Heath, Lukas Haas, Jason Mewes sans his Silent Bob but still with his rapid-fire one-liners and the always beautiful Marsha Thomason (Las Vegas). Thomas Jane (The Punisher) plays the local sheriff and David Arquette, well, his character's name is Muff and I don't think I need to say anymore.
Before one can scream Jason Voorhees, a killer donning a Reagan mask descends upon the locals with a sharp political tool; an axe. Balthazar Getty has one of the best lines in the film as he screams "But I'm a Republican!" And the stunning Mrs. Cox-Arquette appears in one of the funniest moments of the film that left me howling.
Arquette has written a dark satire that, thanks to Trickle Down economics, transcended the political climate for the past 20 years. Even the killer's motive is revealed in a bold way by referencing Reagan's poor decision to open up mental institutions and let the patients roam the streets. One chased me to my car last night after seeing this film.
This is a unique film experience like Natural Born Killers was back in 1994. The characters are rich and their personalities are extremely layered. As far as the dialogue, my goodness, Arquette seems to have left no political ideal untouched.
I have no idea how they're going to market and promote this film but it's one to watch when released nationally in 2007. A note to Hollywood
let David stretch his creative legs in the future and when he asks for a bigger budget, do not hesitate. He has proved himself as one hell of a filmmaker to watch.
The Hitcher (2007)
Don't pick up this hitcher!
The film is god awful. The original was a fun piece of b-movie celluloid. Michael Bay's track record of remaking films started promising with 'Texas' and with this, I must say that I'm losing faith in his vision.
Directing aside, well, Dave's a music video director and he did the best he could with the material. The blame of this film goes to the writer. He's horrible and couldn't write his way out of a paper bag. (i.e. see 'When a Stranger Calls'). Sorry to say this, but the industry is going to wear the genre thin by hiring shitty writers for potentially bankable films.
The dialogue was beyond bad. One could imagine how the script read; Insert Cliché here. Cliché Cliché Cliché. I implore this writer to sit in a coffee shop and listen to how people speak. Maybe he should enroll in a writing course at LACC.
But then again, this is Hollywood. I'm sure he's going to ruin another horror film in the not so distant future.