dsgraham212002 Reviews

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989)

Will someone please make Bill Maher disappear (as the character in this film)...

[1/10 · 30 May 2016]

You know, I can stand wretched performances from some actors, but Bill Maher is totally-unwatchable in this stink bomb. He isn't funny even for one moment, and you can't wait for him to die a painful death (in the film). Oh, the pain...the pain (in the immortal words of Dr. Smith of "Lost in Space" fame. I'm watching the Elvira, Mistress of the Dark version and she cannot appear often-enough. She's the sole reason to watch this piece of celluloid dreck. I know she hosts cinematic crud like this one, but jeez...

Yes, I know it's supposed to be campy, but Maher is barely believable as a human being, much less an allegedly-chauvinistic whatever-he-is. This movie launched his comedy career, you say? Really? Who made that determination? I guess he does die in this thing, but I don't know if I'll make it that far. Even if he's supposed to be awful, he's so awful you can't believe how awful he is! Egad!

Star Trek: Amok Time (1967) Season 2, Episode 1

A Star Trek fan's deep-thinking paradise...

[10/10 · 16 April 2016]

This is a rewarding and thought-provoking episode, especially if you can look deeply into the relationships of the main characters, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. Also, Nurse Chapel's unrequited love for Spock is handled succinctly, yet beautifully. Watch the associated- scenes and see the actual humanity Spock exhibit towards Christine in them, affirming some feelings of his own towards her. No protracted Kirk love interest (Lust in Space) in this one, perhaps producing alien- hybrid progeny throughout the galaxy!

"Amok Time" is a treat for all those that love this show. Sure, there's the usual plot contrivance where the prerequisite fight must occur (the fight theme music is now so humorously-recognized) just like other television programs of the era did, but it is handled in the Trekkian context we have grown to appreciate, as fans. This is an episode I have learned to really enjoy more, over time. Watch it carefully as a fan, and you just might, as well.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Mutiny (1997) Season 9, Episode 20

One of MST3K's best efforts, but I dissent on one common perception...

[10/10 · 28 February 2016]

The name riffs on the hunk are a bit overdone, folks. Too much of a good thing. But fortunately, the rest of this episode is supreme fun. The movie itself is so cheesy and 80's (in the worst possible ways, like terrible hair, laughable wardrobe, contrived love story, cheap production values, the actors in this turkey, etc.) that it would be great entertainment on its own, as one other reviewer has acknowledged already.

The Satellite of Love plot lines, vast majority of riffs, and other shenanigans make this episode a well-deserved fan favorite. It's a terrific introduction to this awesome television series that has most- delightfully been reincarnated and funded for 14 new episodes, at last check. I give it a 9 1/2 rating, rounded up to 10.

Blood Feast (1963)

I'm watching the tongue being ripped out scene right now!...

[6/10 · 1 February 2016]

"Blood Feast" is one of those landmark films that began a whole new genre of 'cinematic art'. What "Psycho" (1960) did for slasher-flicks, what "Bonny and Clyde" (1967) and "The Wild Bunch" (1969) did for on-screen violence, what the TV-cartoon show "Rocky and Bullwinkle" (1959-1964) did for entertaining adults as well as children, THIS FILM did for the splatter/gore movie genre. It's the granddaddy of them all, and it is definitely one of those "it's so bad it's good" films and a true must-have for any discerning gore hound's collection.

What's with the bluish hair on Fuad Ramses, the crazed killer/slasher/ caterer in this flick? In one scene where he's on the phone, his hair matches the color of the Kleenex boxes in the background! His limp also reminds me of another wacko, the goat-kneed Torgo, the 'assistant to the master', of "Manos, the Hands of Fate" infamy.

Yes, this film has atrocious acting and production values, is terribly-dated, and mostly a curiosity now, but for its day it had plenty of impact on unsuspecting American movie audiences in July, 1963, when it was first released. Remember, this is nearly four months prior to the true horror of the assassination of the 35th President of the United States, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. America would never be the same thereafter, from that event and this film.

Space Probe Taurus (1965)

I must contribute to give this turkey a '1' rating...

[1/10 · 22 December 2015]

Even as awful Sci-Fi films of the 50's-60's go, this is a pile of cinematic dreck. If it had even the mildest intention of campiness or one stitch of humor, real science, or a hint of believable special effects, it might work even a little bit. But, quite unfortunately, it's dead serious without any of these redeeming qualities...and that's not a good thing.

I thought another 60's Sci-Fi film, "The Angry Red Planet", was bad regarding to sexist remarks applied to a female astronaut/scientist, but the gruff captain in this one tops it with his prejudices against women. No wonder feminism kicked in later on down the line. Oh yeah, he redeems himself later by realizing what an idiot he had been but falls short of openly apologizing (and there's an attraction to the woman too, of course. Such drivel).

The alien encountered with the 'busy tongue' is jaw-dropping in its stupidity. Where's the telepathy or alien language? Nope, it's tongue-ese! Other 'special' effects are laughable and easy to see 'how it was done'. They have been explained sufficiently by others here in this forum, so I'll withhold my own specific two-cents.

So, if you must see as many Sci-Fi film relics from this era, by all means watch...all others with any modicum of discernment, it's best to steer clear of all the clichés.

Empire of the Ants (1977)

Campy, but in an unintentional way...

[1/10 · 10 November 2015]

Campiness may be defined according to the Cambridge Online Dictionary as follows: "Of (​behavior, ​appearance, or an ​activity) ​amusing because it is ​obviously ​intended to be ​strange or ​shocking and ​seems to be ridiculing itself." This describes "Empire of the Ants" to a tee.

The actors in this horrid offering out of many horrid offerings from producer and director, Bert I. Gordon aka "Mr. Big", are so serious in this thing. The special effects are so awfully-fake and ridiculous, you laugh even as the puppet ants are literally chewing up the cast and there's not even much blood! The women's screams will make you want to shout, "Shut up and die already!". Robert Pine's character is such a loathsome and cowardly lothario that you can't wait to see how he will meet his maker. You probably won't care one iota if ANY of them survive their ordeal, I assure you.

Oh, the poor actors in this schlock-fest! Of course, in all of the scenes with the phony 'projected' ants, they could not see them until post-production when they were inserted, so to speak. I'm sure they were all sorry for being involved and probably fired a few agents, despite whatever they were paid. Another example of 'What was I thinking about when I agreed to star in this turkey?'. Another example was the even-more-awful "The Giant Claw" from 1957. The special effects have to be seen to be believed and the acting so deadly-serious. The combination is pure campy entertainment, just like this piece of cinematic dung. Check both of these out, and you'll see what I mean!

South Park: A Million Little Fibers (2006) Season 10, Episode 5

Far from South Park's best, but still has some great moments...

[8/10 · 9 November 2015]

Okay, okay. Enough of the vitriol about this episode. In my book, ANY parody of Oprah is a winner, no matter how it's portrayed. Check out some of the old Mad TV skits and you'll see what I mean.

Yes, the voices of Mingy, Gary, and even Towelie annoy but not on a level like, say, Metalocalypse. That one's are so unlistenable, plus the guitar riffs acting as a form of censoring dialog, make this show an auditory ordeal. In comparison, even the worst South Park episode shines more brightly in this regard, so to speak. Just my opinion.

The concept of a vagina barfing is brilliant. Unimaginably gross and tasteless, this sort of thing is what one can expect from South Park. If you disagree, then the show really isn't for you. Nobody does satire or parody or grotesquery like South Park. No one. Even as an inferior entry in the show, it still warrants an 8-rating on my South Park meter.

Rollergator (1996)

Um...where to begin...

[1/10 · 13 October 2015]

I have only looked at the recent short from Rifftrax and, from what I saw, to give this zero-budget 'thing' any stars should be a crime; since IMDb requires a minimum of 1, that's all it could 'possibly' get.

Everyone involved with "Rollergator" must have known they were making the equivalent of 'cinematic fecal matter'. Cheap and amateurish in every imaginable aspect of film-making, this pile of celluloid dung's only two redeeming qualities were the presence of the self-loathing (I suspect) Joe Estevez who may have thought:'I know full-well what I'm getting into, but don't care because I'm expected to be in intentionally-crappy films. How awful can I be in this one?') and the not-so-bad-looking blonde actress, Sandra Shuker, although her thespian skills border on non-existent. That's really it, folks. It's that bad.

The talking (!) baby alligator puppet would have even been improved by merely sewing eyes on a sock...you'd get the same effect, really. I guess it's all an intentional joke because it looks so obviously-fake. Anyone who's heard of 'Ed the Sock' has seen this before and just as believably; only Ed's perpetual cigar was missing.

Saying, 'This is the worst (fill in the blank) I've ever seen, etc.' is asking for it. Something even more horrifically-cheap and stupid may actually be possible...a shuddering thought, considering what I saw of this thing.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

An unintentional parody of the entire Star Wars franchise...

[2/10 · 17 September 2015]

Alright. This film has been reviled and excoriated for the humongous disappointed it was, yet it nearly works well as parody...really. A few more unintentional gaffes by George Lucas would have made this film a total hoot, throughout. The Stepin Fetchit of the Star Wars universe, Jar Jar Binks, was probably the ONLY intentional 'comic relief' that director, George Lucas, set out to provide, but there was oh-so-much more.

Let's not forget the frog-faced ambassadors (Asian accent stereotypes), Watto (Jewish), stone-faced Princess Amidala (frigid, were we?), and the poor pathetic little bratty young Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd, perhaps the sorriest bit of casting in recent memory. There were aliens with bizarre facial and other bodily appendages (phallic inside jokes?) as well as a wasted performance by Liam Neeson and a NON-performance by Samuel L. Jackson, who seemed to have left his mojo elsewhere. As Mace Windu (WTF?), he is a non-presence and a non-factor in the story and many other 'nons'. Now, he's just a corporate shill for Capital One, a further acknowledgment of Samuel L's descent into 'uncool'.

One final note: The story. What in the blue-eyed world made George Lucas inflict this convoluted nonsense upon an ultra-eager fan base? Space politics is just like present-day politics...convoluted nonsense. Imagine if it were taken to new heights of obfuscation and used to a 'wink, wink' effect? Now THAT would have been comedy gold! For further proof that this could have worked, check out how Rifftrax laid waste to this cinematic train wreck to see how "Phantom Menace" could have been the space comedy of all space comedies; instead, this film stands as a testament to lost hopes, dreams, innocence, etc. ...

Married... with Children: Dance Show (1990) Season 5, Episode 5

"Dance Show" vs. Seinfeld's "The Contest"...

[10/10 · 11 September 2015]

I'm going pick a nit, with this review. I'm sick and tired of the adoration and perception of what a landmark program Seinfeld's "The Contest" was, aired November 18, 1992. Two full years prior, came this 'landmark' and equally 'shocking' program, aired on October 21, 1990.

What "The Contest" did to the subject of self-pleasure (I want this review to be approved, so I won't chance the 'M' word), "Dance Show" did to male homosexuality. The episode contains my all-time favorite Al Bundy line, where he learned of Pete's attitudes toward cooking for his 'husband' ("A well-fed man is a happy man"), loving sports (except for soccer, which isn't really a sport), and making a good living ("I'm an office manager making "forty-thou a year"...big bucks for 1990!), all qualities Al would embrace and cherish in a spouse, to which he replied to Pete with arguably the greatest Ed O'Neill as Al Bundy facial expression and line delivery on this show, a mixture of goofy realization and acceptance : "I love you." Later at the tail end of the show, Al drops the bomb on Peggy about her dance partner and flirtation saying: "He was a homo, Peg". Now, can anyone remember when this epithet was used on a network television comedy before 1990? Currently on IMDb, "The Contest" has a 9.6 rating from 2,139 users (pu-leeez people) and "Dance Show" a very large but paling-in-comparison 8.5 from 299 (I will be #300 with a "10"). I've recently seen both episodes once again, having viewed "Dance Show" many more times than the other, and this reviewed episode is my hands-down preference. Al's line is still a gem, easily out-ranking "Yes, but are you still the master of your domain?", which for me is now simply trite and ho-hum.

Neither episode remains shocking in any way by today's standards, but I truly feel that even taking each one into its proper context, "Dance Show" is quite easily equal to "The Contest".

Armageddon (1998)

A seizure-inducing crapfest...

[1/10 · 29 August 2015]

There are few films I truly loathe, as I am a connoisseur of the 'so bad it's good' genre of movie-making. This distinction, however, is nearly always applied to low-budget grade-Z schlock and sci-fi. "Armageddon" had a humongous budget of $140,000,000 in 1998 (I'd like to know the chunk of change that went into Bruce Willis' pocket). This movie defies belief in some ways, and has qualities that warrant my loathing: 1) Editing from hell. The jump-cutting and jarring editing throughout this film could have been dangerous to some (seriously); e.g. epileptics (seizures)and bipolar people such as myself (inducing a manic episode). As I struggled through this thing, annoyance can hardly describe the what the images displayed so frenetically on screen did to me and I hadn't received my diagnosis yet back then.

2) The utterly-preposterous storyline. I know, I know, it's science fiction but the plotting and side stories go beyond the absurd and ridiculous. The people recruited for the mission are as stereotypically-contrived as they come. None of this stuff is believable, for one second. I think even a hint of believability should be necessary to drive a plot. Perhaps that was the point, but it didn't work for this reviewer.

3) Bruce Willis. I begrudgingly liked him in "Unbreakable", "The Sixth Sense", and the first "Die Hard" film but here he's just a macho schmuck. As John McClain, Mr. Willis was a true bad-ass who, through tremendous perseverance and over-the-top police work, you wanted to see kick those villainous terrorist's cumulative butts; here, you want to see him REALLY get hurt to shut him up.

4) Billy-Bob Thornton. I loved this guy in "Sling Blade" a few years before, where his mentally-challenged character, Karl Childers, was a wonder to behold. Original and moving, that movie was his; here, you almost expect him to wink at the audience at his un-dynamic choice of roles here. His character has NOTHING TO DO. He's wasted, as maybe he was in another way during this film's shooting schedule.

5) The director, Michael Bay. Oh my, what this man has done to film-making. Overblown, over-hyped, over-everything-ed, and ultimately mind-numbing pap for the masses. A popcorn flick you say? I'd gag on it, watching this case of celluloid dreck. I'd strongly prefer a cheaply-made bug-eyed monster flick from the 50s on You Tube, instead.

Fantastic Voyage (1966)

The current rating is accurate for this film, and a finale for the ages...

[7/10 · 16 August 2015]

I saw this film in a theater right after its release, as an awestruck young kid. But it was more the novelty of the big-screen experience and my age at the time that made it that way. This movie has, quite simply, not aged very well. As a matter of fact, the special effects now appear pretty average, even taking the date of this film's production into account.

But I do feel the actors' overall performances in the film were quite good; in particular, Stephen Boyd as Grant, Vice Admiral of the Combined Miniature Deterrent Force (a temporary resurgence of his fading career) and the utterly-unforgettable Donald Pleasance as the consummate traitor and saboteur, Dr. Michaels, who steals the show completely near its science-defying conclusion.

But no matter. The indelible image of Dr. Michael's being 'absorbed' by the white corpuscle has stuck in my mind ever since, combined with his desperate screams of, "Let me out!". "Let me out!". It was truly a fitting demise, as the white cell slowly descended over and enveloped the Proteus submarine, entering the craft's cockpit and killing the trapped and hapless Dr. Michaels (accompanied by yet more blood-curdling screams). Neat stuff for a young kid, eh?

Still, the film's extraordinary premise and execution still warrant a 7 rating. A dated movie methinks, yet still somewhat entertaining today.

Mr. Pickles (2013–2019)

Demented, twisted, and only for those who truly-enjoy dark humor...

[9/10 · 13 August 2015]

Upon my first viewing, I was aghast (and delighted, mind you) at this repulsively-drawn cartoon that only airs in the very-wee hours of Adult Swim's scheduling. The premise of a demonically-possessed family dog, the title character, is nicely opposed by the clueless family, with the glaring exception of the grandfather who witnesses Mr. Pickles' devilish (to put it mildly) antics, but is ignored or admonished for his efforts to inform them. The little boy in the family, of course, is very fond of Mr. Pickles as little boys generally do...

Yes, loyal viewers will probably become more and more jaded with each passing episode, as the goings-on become less and less perceived as horrific and ghastly, but so what? I still feel the creators are still making an effort to 'disturb' us and who knows how far they will go to maintain it. This, alone, is enough to keep my interest. But I have a very, very dark sense of humor at times, and it takes an awful lot of disgustingness (yes, it's a word) to offend me.

I can hardly believe that "Rick and Morty" scores a 9.2 on IMDb, but Mr. Pickles currently has a mere 7.6 rating. For my more perverse tastes, the former is mostly boring, with Rick's vocalizations delivered in a tedious monotone that quickly taxes my interest. If this is supposedly intentional and part of the joke, I'm not buying in. Must be my loss.

Married... with Children: Hot off the Grill (1989) Season 4, Episode 1

An episode for the true Bundyphile...

[9/10 · 24 July 2015]

I vehemently-disagree with one reviewer that called this one "a standard episode"; in fact, it is quite atypical. For once, Al gets back at Peggy for 'unwanted sex', where the roles are reversed quite nicely. Also, calling "Married With Children" crude (that same reviewer) is like calling "South Park" offensive...both are purposefully that way, respectively.

I feel that this episode and "A Little Off the Top", are two of Katy Sagal's shining moments in this series. She is a sheer delight to watch in each. I am actually watching this episode for the umpteenth time as I type and reveling in its awesome Bundy-ness. Ah, another episode has come, where Peg "kills the healthiest man in Chicago", Jim Jupiter. Another gem of the series (and dedicated to the cockroach, I might add)...

Lost in Space (1998)

Oh, the 'lost' opportunities with this bomb...

[2/10 · 4 July 2015]

First off, the 'worst movie ever' labels on IMDb posts show a lack of reasoning AND logic: "So, you've seen every movie ever made you say, and this one was the worst out of nearly countless examples?". Such an asinine claim can 'never' be true, as 'NO ONE' has that much time to blow by endlessly watching movies 'every' night and day. Lookee at all the superlatives? Such clap-trap.

As far as LIS is concerned, what a humongous disappointment it was, indeed. My friend and I both felt cheated yet again at the cinema, just as yet another 'miss-the-boat-completely re-boot/remake had the same year, Roland Emmerich's equally-disastrous, Godzilla.

But let's look at this version of LIS, as a totally-independent entity and on its own merit. There is no merit, other than the hefty 80 mil price tag for its production. The casting may have worked had there been effective direction, but the 'who-cares?' script and ensuing plot developments squashed that. Jack Johnson, as the young Will Robinson, was the only believable character I cared a tinker's cuss for in this whole mess. Gary Oldman's weird Dr. Smith seemed just weird for weirdness's sake, like he was so bizarrely in "The Fifth Element". William Hurt and Mimi Rogers might as well have phoned in their performances as Mr. and Mrs. Robinson (maybe they did, come to think of it), and Penny, played by Lacey Chabert, was the snotty and sassy teen we all love to hear bemoan the suckiness of everything. Matt LeBlanc's Don West was...Matt LeBlanc, and his interactions with Heather Graham, as the oldest Robinson sibling (does the name matter?), had no chemistry, whatsoever. What efforts were put into these characters' performances seemed misguided and pointless (except for Will's), most likely from the inept direction.

The wacko monsters were a fun part of the TV series, but the creatures in the movie fell flat as a pancake (the CGI spiders and that stupid and god-awful pet thing, whose appearance tolled the death knell of this flick's fun potential). Any resemblance to the TV series and this movie appeared to be entirely coincidental...The Jupiter 2 was cool, so I've rated this movie a 2, out of respect for the best 'character' of LIS.

The Curse of the Living Corpse (1964)

Very scary film for a 5-year old at the Drive-In!

[7/10 · 9 June 2015]

Yes, it's true. For some reason I still cannot fully-fathom, I saw this film as a very young child with my parents and 10-year old brother. I think it was on a double bill with some other much milder film, yet it happened. I think it was my first encounter with the concept of 'horror movie'. Such an impression this experience gave me! Three scenes were emblazoned into my now-bipolar brain (I was diagnosed in 2002 at age 42). First, the matriarch's ghastly, charred face after she was first drugged in her bedroom, the room set afire, and burning to a crisp. Second, the food platter that shockingly-revealed the servant's severed head looked pretty realistic to me (I guess now it would look laughable). The third and final scene in this movie was the clincher: the murderer, cloaked in black, hopelessly-trapped and sinking into quicksand slowly but surely (I can easily picture it now, so it's present tense) , to disappear without a trace. Indelible images, all.

Of course, over time, slasher and gore films have desensitized movie-goers to the point that scares are much harder to come by today. But taken in its time and context, this film was pretty freakin' scary. The Gothic undertones and black and white photography added to the atmosphere of mystery and impending doom quite effectively. I'd love to watch "Curse of the Living Corpse" again and relive the birth of my love of horror flicks!

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Even as camp, this movie is a bomb...

[1/10 · 28 May 2015]

If possible, I would give this movie a .5 rating, but only because the actors showed up and said their lines. This movie is so wretchedly-bad, even MST3K's usually-entertaining riffing cannot redeem it in any way... an astounding achievement. There's no point in describing a plot line, here. Boring cannot begin to describe how uninvolving and dumb this cinematic horror truly is. I found myself even snoozing through the MST3K version. Even making fun of it was dull!! It makes the Batman TV series of the same era (an obvious non-coincidence) seem like Emmy-Award-winning landmark television. Maybe the cast of "The Wild World of Batwoman" were all high on something while putting this celluloid fecal matter together. I guess you could call it a soporific masterpiece, as or more effective as any known sleep aid, including Ambien, Trazodone, Sominex, Nytol, Sleep-Eze, Melatonin, Tryptophan, 10 shots of whiskey before bed, a blow to the head with a blunt instrument, etc., etc.

Clifford (1994)

I see why this movie currently has about a '5' rating.

[2/10 · 14 April 2015]

For dark comedy, go no further than the perverse delight, "The Loved One", from 1965, that roasts the funeral and burial business alive and then some. It's tag-line was: "Something to offend everyone", and offend it did, in jaw-dropping style. People that enjoy "Clifford" may find it to their liking, but "The Loved One" makes you REALLY think.

Movies such as "Clifford" are obviously an acquired taste, for sure, and I simply found it wanting. I love Martin Short and everything he stands for but, for some reason (be it poor direction or what-have-you), his character just seemed enigmatically-creepy to me, and not much else. I remember Charles Grodin, as a guest on "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson", and his Grodin-like apology for his role in the making of this film. Now THAT was funny! As a final jab at those that 'don't get it', in the other medium that is television, "South Park" is a masterpiece of offensive and perverted satire. Give it a chance, and you might just be rewarded. There are no 'sacred cows', as any and all subjects are fair game for 'the South Park treatment', tearing down walls of pretentiousness and piety. It has become one of my all-time favorite video-related pastimes. Sorry, but this movie fails on so many levels, in comparison.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Screaming Skull (1998) Season 10, Episode 12

Riffing is morbid and insensitive...

[2/10 · 15 March 2015]

Don't get me wrong, I love, love, love MST3K in general, but this episode goes way too far in its riffing on death, mental illness, and 'special people' (Mickey, the caretaker, here). Yes, I'm sounding like a P.C. advocate which I'm not, by the way, but there are some subjects that are painful or even traumatic to some. This episode should have come with an 'honest disclaimer' (not a humorous one, like "South Park" does) stating that 'some material may be considered offensive and insensitive to some viewers', or something to the effect. There can be a fine line between humor and tragedy, and it was crossed in this episode.

The mentally disturbed woman and handicapped man in the episode are targets of Mike and the 'bots 'humorous' comments, and it really comes across as abusive and mocking rather than funny, at times. Of course, some riffing is on target, as usual, such as those aimed at the suspect husband and the clergyman.

Alex Nicol, as Mickey, is nothing short of remarkable in the role of the mentally-challenged gardener/caretaker. It is a sensitive and realistic portrayal, yet he is riffed unmercifully, nonetheless. This is where the motivation to compose this review first emerged. Having mental illness run in my family and being personally-afflicted with bipolar disorder, a misunderstood and disabling mood disorder, made it necessary. Poking fun at such things just contributes to the ignorance that already persists. A 'shame on you, Best Brains', for picking this film as the subject of your 'humor'. For once, I'm not laughing (as much).

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Devil Fish (1998) Season 10, Episode 11

Early laughable Lamberto Bava directorial effort skewered unmercifully...

[9/10 · 15 March 2015]

This 'spaghetti horror fest', lambasted royally by Mike Nelson and his robot friends, has Italians posing as Floridians, beer jokes aplenty (one of the male characters is consistently quaffing them down; Budweisers I believe, and maybe a product placement?), a monster fish that looks half-angler fish, half-papier-mâché, and a love interest that is...well, scrawny with scraggly blonde hair and a hawk nose (Klaus Kinski in drag, perhaps?). All that's missing is a green complexion and wart, and there you have it...a witch babe! This was Italian director Lamberto Bava's (father of Mario) sixth credit as a director, and it looks like he was either learning the craft on-the-job, or didn't give a rat's patootie, with this one. Either one of those, or he was also taking part with that beer thing! Every aspect of this late "Jaws" rip-off is third-rate, but still oodles of fun. This MST3K gem also has the greatest 'Stinger' of the series, in my estimation. No spoilers here, so check it out!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Alien from L.A. (1993) Season 6, Episode 16

You have been warned...

[9/10 · 5 February 2015]

Beware of the Minnie Mouse impersonation that passes off as an actual movie performance! Gaze in shock at the talking alien mimes! Run in terror from the most incomprehensible and convoluted mish-mash of film muck you have ever witnessed! Dare yourself to endure the entire length of this absolute marvel of cinematic trash! Alien from L.A. is an absolute hoot. You will prey to the movie gods for Kathy Ireland to get laryngitis (and remove some of her clothing, as well).

The late great film critic, Roger Ebert, called Tom Cruise's debut performance in director, Ridley Scott's, "Legend" 'a non-performance'. Well, Kathy Ireland is in the running for worst performance by an actor/actress in a movie...EVER! Give her an honorary Razzie for worst performance of all time, and FOR all time. Her dialog is like a mousy, squeaking, pouting, simpering, and sometime-pathetic whimper that will test your mettle, I assure you. It is, in a word, 'unforgettable'. Oh yeah, there's also the actual 'acting'. This woman's role in this turkey will infiltrate your very soul...permanently ;)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Werewolf (1998) Season 10, Episode 4

One of MST3K's best episodes...

[10/10 · 27 January 2015]

Great pick by Best Brains, Inc.! So mind-numbingly bad it's great fun, this movie is indescribably awful in its acting, writing, plot, camera-work, and make-up. Although dreadful in so many ways, I'll stick to one particular selling point to watch this MST3K outing. The lead actress' (Adrianna Miles)IMDb filmography stops dead at this point, the second of a mere 2 credits to her name and it's no wonder. Her performance in this train wreck of a movie is a jaw-dropper. English is NOT her first language, quite obviously, and her phonetic attempts at dialog are both hilarious and truly odd, as Mike and the Bots riff on all of her flubs. Her emoting skills also reek to high heaven, and are also just not quite right at times. Watching her is pure unadulterated entertainment and even fascinating, but for all the wrong reasons. This performance just could not have been on purpose; if it had, however, it would have been masterful and award-winning, for being one of the greatest achievements in cinematic history to be completely terrible in every way imaginable. Her bod was pretty hot, but apparently not enough for her to be cast again in another film. Too bad, really. For me, this is a must-see for all of us connoisseurs of bad cinema.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Projected Man (1998) Season 10, Episode 1

A favorite 'Mike episode'...

[9/10 · 18 January 2015]

Only MST3K's hilarious cremation of "Manos, the Hands of Fate" has ever induced more spasms of nearly-uncontrollable laughter in me, as this bottom-of-the-barrel trifle is an all-too-English-for-its-own-good rip-off of the transportation of matter over distance concept(think..."The Fly"). It's pathetic in its original form, but ripe for plucking by Mike and the Bots, who lay this turkey to waste with side-splitting results. If you have ever thought the English were boring, stuffy and bland (And who hasn't, at one time or another?), then you're in for a real treat, here. There are way more than the average number of excellent riffs to savor. Rejoice in the wonder that is MST3K!

Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot (1967–1968)

Everything you could want in cheesy dated poorly-dubbed fun...

[9/10 · 25 December 2014]

I've seen this mentioned in other posts that, "Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot", instilled in them a love for monsters at a young age. Ditto, here. Who can forget a gigantic 'eye monster' that sucked things into its pupil? Other ludicrous monsters were so ridiculous-looking you couldn't help but laugh out loud (even then!), and make you play a 'spot the zipper' game. I just found out that Johnny's voice was a woman's and, quite sadly, the actor who played him is no longer with us, passing in 1997. The robot's weaponry was incredible, even in today's terms. Rockets from fingertips, a ray emitted from its metallic eyes, and an 'atomic punch' all kicked monster butt. Oh yeah, he flies and can even go underwater (I think).

I'm watching an episode right now, as I type. The Robot is fighting a monster called Tyrox, who sports dreadlocks-like something-or-others on its head that would make a Rastafarian jealous! A masterpiece!!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (1993) Season 5, Episode 24

Might be responsible for a few documented cases of 'death by laughter'...

[10/10 · 29 October 2014]

For some unfathomable reason, the IMDb summary includes Joel, instead of Mike in this Season 5, Episode 24 offering. As every loyal follower of this cult television show well knows, Mike enters into the picture permanently after the 13th episode of Season 5!

The movie itself (manos is Spanish for hands, btw, making the actual title translate to "Hands, the Hands of Fate") is indescribably awful in every imaginable way. To comment any further about this fact is pointless. But what MST3K does to it, is comedic genius to the nth degree. At one point, Torgo's stammering speech is mimicked to near-perfection by Crow, Servo, and Mike interchangeably, so everything spoken appears to actually be in the film. This effect had me literally holding my sides from the paroxysms of laughter I simply could not control. I even had to grab my computer desk at one point, to keep from falling out of my chair...true story! I cannot remember a better feeling after viewing this send-up of all send-ups. Bodily secretions released by laughter have been measured and identified. They truly benefit and heal the body and soul; however, watch at your own risk. You've been warned!