clarenceisagirl Reviews

Stealing Beauty (1996)

Beautiful & Captivating

[10/10 · 29 October 2006]

I first watched this film when I was fourteen when it came out in the cinema. I squirmed and blushed at the sex scenes and it made me incredibly uncomfortable at that age, sitting with my parents. But I didn't forget it, and have watched it again and again since. It is not for people who want to sit on the edge of their seat, it is not a white knuckle ride of adventure, with clever plot-twists and turns. No, you watch Stealing Beauty at your leisure, sprawled over your armchair, supine,with a little smile on your face. You absorb it. It changes the world for you for a while afterwards, which is why it is best to watch it in the summer. You go out and appreciate the sun more, because you have that residual sense of viewing it all through Bertolucci's eyes. The film even manages to blend beauty with vulgarity so perfectly that it seems impossible to make a distinction between the two. Your small existence with all its petty problems, relationship difficulties and unglamourous sex seem suddenly shifted into a new light, and you realise for a few moments that to be real, to be here in this fraught life, is, in its own way, beautiful.

Hotel (2001)

Oh Dear

[29 October 2006]

There have been a few times when I've watched a bad film and said the words, "Oh, God, that was the worst film I've ever seen", but I knew I never really meant it, I couldn't possibly make a serious judgement like that. Until now. This film remains the worst film I have ever seen. Even now, years later, when I watch some load of crap and say that it's the worst, this one comes back to me and I always have to add, oh no, apart from "Hotel", now that really was THE worst. It is pretentious. It is boring. God knows how they managed to get good actors to lower themselves to this wanky rubbish. You cringe and you squirm, just at the thought of how painful it must have been for all involved to have rammed their heads that far up their own arses. I watched this film ages ago, but I have come here, years later, and I still have the urge to shake my head at people over the internet, and say, no. No, don't do it. Don't watch it. There is absolutely no worth in it at all. Nothing.

Death Tunnel (2005)

Why oh Why?

[1/10 · 29 October 2006]

Death Tunnel is abysmal. I registered with this site just so I could have an outlet for my feelings about exactly how abysmal it is. It's as if it's been written by two fourteen year old boys. Worse, two arrogant, pretentious fourteen year old boys, who have foolishly convinced themselves that they can create some sort of pathos while at the same time managing to contrive the whole thing so that the cast is running around in tiny little nightdresses and exposing their naked breasts for no reason.It is not scary. It does make you nauseous, but only because of the appallingly bad acting and complete lack of plot. It is boring. You find yourself hoping that all the characters are put out of their misery as quickly as possible so you can stop watching, hoping upon hope that it might get better, it MUST get better, mustn't it? Surely some story will evolve? No, if you do start to watch this film and find yourself naively hoping upon hope, be warned, it is not going to happen.You wonder how a film like this makes it into the public domain. Out of all the people that must have been involved in it, it seems such an impossible feat of self-denial that not one of them pointed out that it was certain to turn out an utter humiliation for them all.

If this film is indeed based on true events then my heart goes out to those who endured this tedious ordeal in real life. I cannot imagine having to sit through such a lot of pretentious rubbish without being able to fast forward, go and do something more interesting (e.g. poke eyeballs with needles) or press eject.