JuniorBruce Reviews

Epic Movie (2007)

What an EPIC waste of money...and life.

[1/10 · 30 January 2007]

It's not enough that we, the movie going public, are forced to put up with half of the crappy films "Epic Movie" attempts to parody, but we're also forced to contend with "Epic Movie" itself. In regards to this film, and all others like it, I find myself scratching my head and begging the question: "How in the Hell did this movie ever get made?" While I've yet to receive any official response from the filmmakers behind this atrocity, I have come up with my own theory...

Hollywood hates us. Wait, scratch that; Hollywood doesn't just hate us; they think we're stupid, insignificant creatures of habit, too. That we're nothing but a bunch of mindless apes willing to throw our hard-earned bananas down on any old piece of crap they manage to squeeze out that week. And it saddens me to acknowledge that to a large degree, they're right. We do throw our bananas down on just any old thing, as proved by "Epic Movie" being number one at the big B.O. opening weekend. How could we be so stupid as to fall for a film boasting a lame concept written by a bunch of comedic hacks who think "I'm Rick James B***h!" jokes are still relevant--let alone funny? I feel sorry for people like Kal Penn, Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge, and Crispin Glover who seem to have become so jaded with their careers that they could confuse accepting this cinematic skidmark on their resume as something remotely resembling a good idea. Especially in Penn's case, as he's on the verge of shattering the Kumar image most people still associate with him.

"Epic Movie" is supposed to be a comedy, but there's nothing funny about it. Every joke falls flat due to either being poorly executed, uninspired, or just plain irrelevant. I'm all for parodies, but this film is so unfunny; it's not even funny.

Oh, and next time--God forbid there is one--for "Epic Movie II," why not try parodying truly epic movies? "Spartacus" or "Citizen Kane" or "Battlefield Earth?" At least try to follow your own stinking premise...for once.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

It's all in the reflexes.

[10/10 · 24 January 2007]

You can measure a man by his actions, but in Jack Burton's case, you'd be better off measuring him by his words. That's because, while the pilot of the Pork Chop Express (a big-rig) has his heart in the right place, when it comes to backing up all his bravado he's about as effective as a lightning rod made out of rubber.

John Carpenter has made a lot of movies, a lot of great movies, but none are finer than "Big Trouble in Little China." This film features Carpenter at his very best, effortlessly weaving timeless characters with a rich plot, incredible visual effects, and dialog that's so snappy you can't help but giggle with delight.

I could write for days about all the great things that happen in this movie, and all the warm-fuzzies its given me over the years, but all that still wouldn't do this film justice. It is, simply put, the greatest movie ever made, period. There is not a single flaw in it, and for anyone to say otherwise only proves that that person's inner-child was beaten to death with a hammer at birth.

Sure, it's cheesy, but who says every movie has to be some poignant Oscar nominee to be a masterpiece? This is cinema that entertains like a roller-coaster, without the dizziness or nausea.

If you're a fan of John Carpenter, a fan of Kurt Russell, or maybe just a fan of movies that just plain kick butt, there is no good reason why you should not take the time to check out this movie. To not would be a crime against yourself, and that would just be wrong.

Stomp the Yard (2007)

The pitch: It's Drumline meets Happy Feet!

[1/10 · 24 January 2007]

Just because a movie is flawed doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Which is why it amazes me still that there are movies pumped out of Hollywood again and again that seem determined to do anything but entertain.

"Stomp the Yard" is a mess. I'll give the filmmakers and actors a nod of respect for at least appearing to have tried to make a decent flick, but as a wise old Jedi troll once said: "Try not. Do or do not, there is no try." Just because you try to put on a decent movie doesn't mean it's going to be; and "Stomp" most assuredly wasn't.

I equate films like this to chick flicks. While this wasn't a chick flick, it mimics that awful genre in damn near every way. Leading character suffers tragedy of some sort (of varying degrees, depending on the movie's intention--make you cry, make you happy, inspire you, etc.), experiences a change of scene, begins to flourish, is reminded of tragedy and begins to fall apart again, is uplifted by new friends to overcome tragedy, and ultimately become a better person. For chick flicks, insert love interest for "new friends" and you've got yourself a real tearjerker.

I'll admit, the stomping moments of the film were cool. Had this been a documentary about that whole stomping culture, I know I would have enjoyed this a whole lot more. But since all the cool stomping parts are buried under a lot of sappy, seen-it-all-before filler, "Stomp the Yard" ends up labeled as one of the duller movie-going moments in my life, and will be filed away in my memory banks as such.

Remember kids: It's not a black or white thing--it's a sucky movie thing. Can you dig?