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Reviews
Uncharted (2022)
Pirates of the Da Vinci Code
Cpt. Indiana Sparrow goes tomb raiding with bond villains, Spider-Man and Lara Crotch. This film is a mash up of a lot of things. None of them are good. Interesting take on helicopter gunships. The only thing that could've turned this film around would've been Nicolas Cage's Midas touch, at which point it would be a National Treasure.
Cpt. Indiana Sparrow goes tomb raiding with bond villains, Spider-Man and Lara Crotch. This film is a mash up of a lot of things. None of them are good. Interesting take on helicopter gunships. The only thing that could've turned this film around would've been Nicolas Cage's Midas touch, at which point it would be a National Treasure.
The Gray Man (2022)
Smokey and the Bandit
Cpt. America plays badass Freddie Mercury in this steamy, cloudy, smokey, dusty, murky, overcast, dirty, foggy, powdery, debris-filled, dense and generally low-visibility action thriller in which the smoke machine stars centre stage. Bad Santa, Bond girl, and driver also join the obscured ensemble. Actually quite good. Standard Thursday.
Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020)
Spice up your life
The starkest display of girl power since Halliwell's clique, a fair chunk of this film might be better delivered via a niche area of Margot Robbie's OnlyFans - male after male lines up to be deftly swatted directly in the prawns, whilst we wait for a young girl to poop diamonds. Ewan McGregor stars as face off.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
The Darker Side
Best viewed in a cave at midnight on an overcast day, as much of this mediocre star-plod was apparently filmed with the lens cap still on. Makes for some exciting lightsaber battles, being as they're the primary light source. The only thing missing in this shameless cash-in is a Starbucks.
The Angry Birds Movie (2016)
Flightless Old Birds
This lunchtime chat show features a rotating panel comprised of women from the entertainment and journalism worlds. They discuss issues from a female perspective - from politics and current affairs to the latest gossip - and meet the celebrities and faces behind the headlines.
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
Star Wipe; Power Point
Bernadette Humplepatch once again plays a homeopathic doctor in search of a cure for his maddening comedown. He finds Star Wipe, whose superpower allows her to transition between slides in PowerPoint ['the multiverse'].
This is what happens when you tell the work experience kid to "make this slideshow into a movie".
Fortunately ginger spice is on hand to ruin the jamboree, forgetting only her caldron in producing the greatest wiccan stereotype of all time.
One thing is certain, this movie helped keep the SFX dept so well employed that they must've only remembered halfway through production that the unions require them to actually hire actors.
In Time (2011)
Justin Time
Money isn't everything when time is money. Justin Time has time quite literally on his hands, and must race to something something before time runs out (of his hands?). A very confusing existential take on the inequalities and apparent injustice of capitalism. Worth taking the time to watch. Or is there?
Constantine (2005)
The Constantine Gardner
In a normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf, hell raiser Keanu Reeves stars as John Constantly - the world's premier anti-smoking advert - alongside Rachel Weisz' surprise reprise of woman in a movie where a bad thing happen. You remember this film being quite good. You remember wrong.
Chaos Walking (2021)
Men Have Audio Subtitles
Leeloo Dallas Dungarees Skywalker and Spider-Man have to run away from men who cannot turn off their subtitles. Leeloo has an electric bike but the men have horses that were cryogenically frozen. A one armed alien has nothing to do with the story and Spider-Man hates beets, but loves octosquid meat. Leeloo can't swim and the holy man hates fire. If this sounds like a story that's a few potatoes short of a full roast dinner, you'd be right.
Taken (2008)
Finding Neeson
After his son is captured in the Great Barrier Reef and taken to Sydney, a timid clownfish sets out on a journey to bring him home.
Free Guy (2021)
The Matrix Has You
Ryan Reynolds is trapped inside the Truman Show whilst Lil Rey Howery does Kevin Hart impressions.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Drax Attacks
A harrowing insight into the consequences of under-training and under-resourcing sensitive military cargo transport convoys. Also Carole Baskin trained the zombie tiger. Seriously. Google it.
The Hour (2011)
British Jon Hamm vs posh ladies
Under-qualified British Jon Hamm gets in some scrapes with a few posh sorts, whilst a troubled young lad 'from the streets' begrudges him for his privilege despite seemingly having the exact same opportunity and connections. Also spies and journalism and stuff.
Boss Level (2020)
Madder Max
Mel Gibbon really wants to kill time-travelling Frank Castle, presumably because he's Jewish or something but it can't be that because Mel hates Hitler and the film makes this suspiciously clear.
Peep Show (2003)
Not what you're thinking
I watched 5 seasons before it became clear that this wasn't the type of 'through the keyhole' adventure I was originally googling for. Some strong opinions expressed about breakfast cereals.
Yesterday (2019)
Ed Sheeran is Ed Sheeran
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band meets Ed Sheeran, played by Ed Sheeran, who somehow manages to act the part of Ed Sheeran so badly that future Ed Sheeran appearances by Ed Sheeran as Ed Sheeran should probably be handled by someone else, like Will Smith.
Rock the Kasbah (2015)
The Sharif don't like it
Bill Murray does music finding in Afghanistan and barely even upsets the Taliban at all really, given how sensitive they are about that kind of thing. Ahead of its time.
Kill Me Three Times (2014)
I lost count
I lost count of how many times they tried to kill the main target, but it was at least twice and no more than four times.
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)
It's a Samoan pub...
Bacon from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels discovers the origin story of Samoan Jo's' pub.
Beyond Skyline (2017)
Bright lights, big pity
A thinly-veiled critique of blue light services in the US, Beyond Skyline tells the story of the haircut and son, alongside a blind man, presumably their hairdresser.
Skyline (2010)
Mindless SciFi for brains
Turk from Scrubs and Hench JD accidentally throw an end of the world party. Hench JD makes bad decisions, which mostly effect everyone else but him - this is his character arc. Eventually Hench JD turns his brain red and adapts to his new life.
My Octopus Teacher (2020)
Finally!
Finally, a family-friendly film about unusual romance betwixt human and mollusc that isn't Japanese.