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Reviews
Day of the Dead (2008)
The Most Boring Remake In Existence
And I thought Rebirth was boring as hell. This one beats that by a lot. The runtime itself is fairly normal, but it felt like a full week until the film was over. There wasn't anything that made the original worked: None of the nihilism, none of the creative visual effects, none of the cool zombies, none of the strong leading characters. Just boring, Uwe Boll level generic zombie film. It's quite a shame, because the original is one of the most recognizable zombie films by Romero. Try looking at one screenshot from the remake without context. You wouldn't think Day Of The Dead. Nick Cannon was a bad casting choice, because really, he can't rap, do you think he can act? The casting was poor, the editing was strange, the color correction is completely bonkers, and the characters were just the worst people. Really, would you rather have the original's competent team of people who only befell a horrible fate because of their own misgivings, or would you rather be stuck with this team of dunces? I think I know which one you'd pick. About the only characters that were smart and tolerable were Trevor and Nina. Other than that, this film isn't worth anything.
The Midnight Man (2016)
The most hilarious horror film in existence
This particular film is a remake of two films from 2013, both of which are based on an urban legend. The movie revolves around The Midnight Game, an odd ritual that summons a Pagan entity called The Midnight Man, a creature that's basically a demonic version of The Punisher. Two teenagers named Alex and Miles come across the game in Alex's grandma's attic, and eventually decide to go through with it after her grandma (named Anna) becomes bedridden, and now they must try to survive The Midnight Man while also uncovering the mystery of just what happened to Anna. On paper, it sounds interesting, but it's incredibly lackluster in execution. Anna's backstory is only seen and discussed in two scenes, and it otherwise contributes nothing to the plot, but that's just the beginning of the stupidity. The first section of the first act is incredibly boring, as it's basically just Alex walking around, talking to people, and doing random things, and there's no insight on her character, Anna's character, or Miles' character. After they open the game however, it changes from a boring, lifeless film, into a schlocky, hilarious gorefest, with bad acting, inconsistencies, blatant plot armor, equally obvious plot holes, stupid jump scares, archetypical characters, and hysterical death scenes. I could go on and on about how hilarious the rest of the movie is after they open the game, but it has to be seen to be believed. Watch it if you want to have a blast.
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
A Guilty Pleasure Of Mine
Okay, let's get one thing out of the way: This isn't a good movie. A sleazy director that is a known sexual offender automatically removes a point, the story is barely coherent, the speech Storm gives about how none of them are terrible when she's close to a goddess while Rogue kills anyone she touches does make her less sympathetic, and Iceman cheating on Rogue with Kitty Pride is uncomfortably realistic. But damn if this movie isn't dumb fun. This is a personal guilty pleasure of mine, with highlights including Rebecca Romijn and Meiling Melançon's performances as Mystique and Psylocke respectively, Ian Mckellen's performance as Magneto, and the genuinely startling Phoenix. The plot is also so stupid that I can't help but love it. And I also like Wolverine in this film, as he seems to genuinely care about Rogue's decision to take the cure.
All around, complete, unadulterated dumb fun.
Anaconda (1997)
Flawed, But Good, Cheesy Fun
Anaconda is quite possibly one of the most recognizable Cult Classics in Cinema, with many calling it "Great Trash". Me personally?
Well, it's not perfect, hell it's not even great, but I don't think it quite deserves the title of "Great Trash". It has some decent horror sequences and good, tongue-in-cheek humor. The titular snakes aren't particularly realistic, but that's what makes them a good antagonistic force. The film tweaking the snakes to be bloodthirsty, sadistic creatures that have some of the most creative kills in a film makes it easier to root for the protagonists.
But as I said, the film isn't perfect. The snake animatronics look dead inside, and the CGI is pretty easy to spot. The design of the snakes themselves accomplished the goal of looking like a stylized anaconda, but the design isn't perfect, mainly the eye's pupils make them look somewhat cross-eyed and derpy, and the plot is based around a documentary about a tribe. However, I don't think the movie utilized the plot to it's fullest, and could've been a found footage film. The thought of a film crew being hunted down by nigh invulnerable anacondas was ridiculous in a normal movie, but if it was found footage, it could've had a Jaws effect where the audience would've been afraid to go into the Amazon. But, other than those flaws, it's decent fun. I recommend it to anyone who wants to watch a flawed but decent film.
Rebirth (2020)
A Boring, Incompetent, Sloppily Edited Mess
I first learned of this particular remake thanks to a YouTube review. I watched the review, and he said a lot of positive things about it, and when I accidentally came across this film on Tubi TV, I watched it.
Of course, it left me completely and utterly bored. The film itself is only 99 minutes long, but it feels like 2 full days. It doesn't help that new characters are introduced because the plot, of course, demands they do. They did a complete disservice to Ben by turning him into the stereotypical black guy. Adam, played by the director, replaces Barbra, but he's far less interesting and he fades into the background after this film's version of Barbra's death, except Adam miraculously survives until he's shot by the huntsmen. As to how he survives when he's last seen getting overpowered by zombies, I have no idea, but this film falls completely flat.
The editing is part of the aforementioned plot hole, as it does not show us how Adam could have reasonably survived the zombie attack other than plot armor, only getting killed when the plot demands he does. This film feels like it was made as some form of torture that kidnappers could freely use.
Karen killing her mother in the basement is no longer as terrifying as it was in the original, and suffers heavily as a result. However, I should just say the movie as a whole isn't particularly frightening, despite being a horror film.
If you come across this film on any streaming services, or YouTube, do not watch it. Keep scrolling until you find a good film.
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Possibly The Worst Sequel Ever Made
Why do I say that, you may ask? Well, the film is simply not a good follow up to a film that was actually good. It completely disregards everything about the original to tell it's own story, and only used the name to cash in on the box office success of the first film. What pisses me off the most about this movie, however, is it's fanbase. Some fans, I have no problem with, because they're usually fairly respectful when it comes to sharing their thoughts on the movie. However, most fans are.. how do I put this? Toxic. Their undying love for this film often causes them to lash out at someone for pointing out a genuine problem with the film, pinning the person they're currently verbally tearing apart's problem with the movie on the usual: "Nostalgia", "Bad Taste", and "Lack of Ability to Have a Fun Time". It's not that person's fault that the movie has a problem, and you're so blinded by your love for this movie to realize that that's a problem and not a merit. Sorry for the rant, just had to get that off my chest.
War of the Worlds: Annihilation (2021)
Absolute Garbage
I expected more from a movie released in 2021 that's based on one of the most influential Sci Fi novels of all time. With awful characters, piss poor cinematography, garbage CGI, and a plot that has the exact same tone as an episode of Law And Order, it's safe to say this is one of the worst films ever made. It fails not only from a story and character standpoint, but from a filmmaking standpoint as well. I actually prefer the 2021 Asylum version more than this. The aliens themselves aren't really scary, as they're basically humans from a parallel Earth. Apparently, their Earth is dying, and so they want to go to our Earth and live on it in order to survive. So, they're trying to make the aliens sympathetic. Here's the issue with that: The aliens make themselves look way more hostile than they need to, randomly attacking the humans, when they don't even need to do that. All they needed to do was just tell the humans from our Earth that theirs was dying, and that they needed a place to live. In that case, the general that starts blowing up their planet at the end looks reasonable by comparison, even though the movie is trying to portray him in a bad light. All in all, this movie does not live up to the masterful novel it was based on.
The Conjuring (2013)
Strong Cast and Good Scares
The Conjuring is definitely one of the best horror films of 2013. It has a good cast, starring Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson as real life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren. Based on the real life Bathsheba Case in Rhode Island, the movie is genuinely scary and has a cool ghost.
The Last Airbender (2010)
The Last Disappointment. Netflix better not mess it up.
The Last Airbender doesn't deserve any stars after what Shyamalan did. He took a memorable and awesome series into an awful cesspool. This movie is painfully boring, has the WORST action scenes I've ever seen, and the characters are emotionless creatures who only know how to give exposition. The bending scenes themselves involve so much dancing to cause the tiniest change. It truly is disappointing and I hate this movie. If you've never seen this movie, DON'T. Go watch the original series instead, as it had amazing character writing and action scenes.
It (2017)
I don't understand why people hate this movie.
This movie is very low rated by most reviewers, but I think that's just people who are jealous of this masterful horror film. It had great characters, a genuinely scary villain, and good jumpscares. On top of that, Bill Skarsgard could do all of those creepy movements and lazy eyes all on his own without the need for CGI. Most people seem to think the monsters are CGI monsters, but most of them were actually practical effects with real actors such as Javier Botet. So yeah, this movie is awesome. Go see it and don't listen to the reviews by haters.
The Rake (2011)
One of my favorite horror films!
This movie is a must watch. Although the pacing is a little slow, this movie has an interesting story and plus, The Rake itself actually comes of as threatening and scary. Although not the greatest horror film, it is a very fun time with great characterization.