stevenfallonnyc Reviews

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (2009) Season 8, Episode 20

Horrible

[2/10 · 15 February 2020]

Now granted, I'm not the biggest Family Guy fan. I can watch it in very small doses like clips on YouTube, but getting through a whole episode is a struggle. I am however a huge lifelong Star Wars fan, and years after straining to get through the first Family Guy SW parody "Blue Harvest," I tried this out.

What can I say, except it's just painfully unfunny for the most part. Sure, there's a laugh or two (there should when the thing is almost an hour long, especially uncut) but really, it's just not funny.

Some of the typical Family Guy things are here, like some celebrity being present for no reason (like James Caan in this one for example), but that doesn't make something funny. Same with typical juvenile jokes. There has to be some cleverness, and nothing in here is clever.

Even the computer animation is horrible - it doesn't flow well and is uncomfortable to view.

When you take the best three minutes out of a Family Guy episode (well, maybe two minutes) you can get a few laughs but getting through this was just torture. No way I'd make it through the third one in the series so I'm not even going to try.

Road Games (1981)

Incredibly dull "thriller"

[3/10 · 8 February 2020]

There are reviewers here actually comparing this film to Hitckcock's work? Now, I've only seen maybe fifteen Hitchcock films, but none of them were nearly as boring as "Road Games" (and they were all, you know, pretty good).

Stacy Keach is the truck driver "Quid" in Australia who gets involved in a proverbial "cat and mouse" game on a long highway with who he suspects is a serial killer who drives a green van. The first half of the film is excruciating as we see long scenes of Stacy playing his annoying harmonica, looking down as people in other vehicles and talking about them to himself, talking to himself in general as he drives (and the conversation is not interesting at all), talking to his dog or dingo or whatever it is when he drives, and strain to be clever and philosophical while doing so. Even the dingo seems real bored - he just kinda seems along for the ride like he's forced to, as opposed to being there because he's Stacy's faithful companion.

It takes quite a while for Jamie Lee Curtis to enter the movie, and after a few minutes of what is supposed to be a clever exchange between her ("Pamela") and Quid, the film attempts to pick up the pace but only manages to look silly, and still be boring.

The best part of the whole movie actually is the second encounter Quid and his truck have with a guy in a car towing a boat, who refuses to get out of Quid's way.

Even a few decent gratuitous shots of Jamie in her tight jeans (no decent 'top' shots) don't make this snore-fest any less dull. As a matter of fact, Jamie isn't even in the film that much at all, but it's definitely the Stacy Keach show without question. It all comes down to the big finale which doesn't make any sense, and after all is resolved, the film goes for one last shock but it comes off as hilarious actually.

Some will want to watch this out of curiosity, like I did, and I feel for those who strain their way through it.

The Death Wheelers (1973)

Come ride along with The Living Dead

[8/10 · 31 January 2020]

I first caught "Psychomania" very late at night on a local TV station in the 70s, and as a horror/B-movie fan even then I loved it immediately. I think as a kid, it hit upon certain fantasies that kids have (or had back then at least) - living forever, looking cool, riding a motorcycle, dabbling in some occult.

Bike gang leader Tom wants to know the secret to immortality, which evidently his mom and butler know. The main thing is, besides using some talisman, believing you'll come back after committing suicide. After being buried on his bike, Tom returns in a spectacular fashion by riding out of his grave (possibly giving Jim Steinman the inspiration for the concept for the Meat Loaf "Bat Out of Hell" album cover) and takes literally about four seconds to kill someone.

Tom gets everyone in his gang to eventually become immortal like him, except his girlfriend, who doesn't want to die. What's really not discussed is that evidently when you come back, besides immortality, you also gain some kind of super-strength. Two good examples of this would be when Tom drives his bike through a brick wall (his super-strength enabling him to go through the wall) and bending the steel bars of jail cells (off-screen) to break out the rest of the gang (still alive) in jail.

Despite being immortal and having such strength, the gang still do the same stuff when they were alive, like riding on sidewalks and through squares, getting chased by cop cars, terrorizing women by riding through stores, knocking things over that people are carrying etc. One does take it a little further in a striking quick scene with a baby in a carriage. The cops are on their trail since Tom especially makes no effort to hide his face or identity (wearing jackets that say "The Living Dead" on the back also doesn't help).

While a few scenes are on the slow side and drag a bit, there's no doubt that "Psychomania" has earned a spot in the proverbial B-movie hall of fame, a very fun ride into death and violence.

Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow (1959)

Hot girls but not much else

[6/10 · 13 January 2020]

Thank goodness this slop was only an hour or so long! The funny thing is, the main plot of "Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow" doesn't even begin until about the last quarter of the movie, when the kids in a car club use an old lady's haunted mansion for headquarters. The rest of the time prior is just a lot of dancing, the rock band playing, very loose time-filling dialogue and one race at the start of the movie which is actually ok.

One of the girls is a hotrodder who also loves working on her own car, and she is super-hot. Her dad hilariously trades barbs with her and others, spies on her as she's kissing boys, and waits for the bathroom while his daughter has her slumber party, conveniently getting a nice view of girls in their nighties. Her mom is a "cool mom" who likes all the kids and who is a looker herself.

There's an older guy writing a hot rod story for a magazine who befriends the club who really seems to be there because the writers couldn't come up with anything else, and some rival rodders who left the club because of new "rules" who keep causing very minor trouble. But the main thing is there are a bunch of very sexy 50s gals here, including our star mechanic and a tall babe with glasses who is a knockout.

Drag racing legend Tommy Ivo even makes the scene, so that's a big plus as well. The "spook party" at the end is fun, and the whole film has a lot of nonsensical things happen, but it's all a goofy, fun mess. More than likely you won't watch it twice (except for the chicks possibly), but it's good for an hour to kill.

And oh yeah, the old bitty has a parrot that keeps making wisecracks, and he gets real annoying real fast.

The Monkey Hu$tle (1976)

Horrific movie, entertaining cast

[2/10 · 21 September 2019]

The main thing one needs to know about "The Monkey Hu$tle" is that it makes absolutely no sense at all.None. Zero. It doesn't even have anything remotely resembling a plot until the last fifteen minutes, and even then, the "plot" is so thin as to almost be nonexistent. So yes, this is a bad film.

However, the cast is fantastic, in that you have a lot of familiar 70s faces doing their thing with the bad material they are given. The great Yaphet Kotto leads the way, and behind him are Rudy Ray Moore, Rosalind Cash, Thomas Carter, the gorgeous Debbi Morgan, and others you will recognize from 70s blaxploitation films and TV shows.

As entertaining as the cast is, it's hard to imagine any of them knew what the heck they were actually acting in, and probably just took it scene-by-scene according to the script, never really knowing all the context. I can't imagine any of them reading the script and saying "What a plot, this looks good I'll do it." Instead, it was probably more like "What a mess, but I have a lot of scenes, I'm in." Or simply just doing it for the paycheck.

The film was shot in Chicago so there are a lot of interesting location scenes, and the film is shot halfway decently. Those things, and the cast, do make the film fun to look at. However this is a real mess due to the missing "plot" but it is worth a viewing for the pluses. You'll never watch it again, tho'.

Teen-Age Crime Wave (1955)

Solid hostage drama

[8/10 · 8 August 2019]

Kind of surprised at the low rating here at the IMDB for this flick (3.1 as of this writing). There were many JD flicks around the time but this one is a cut above the rest.

Thing is, even though there's an intro about the "teen" problem in the beginning, the movie really isn't about that, or a "crime wave" at all - it basically just centers on a few teens who take a farm family hostage (along with a girl who inadvertently gets involved).

Sounds very standard but there is some pretty decent drama and suspense, and the two main young girls are very attractive (bad girl Molly McCart especially). The finale is exciting and although there are some inconsistencies (like why the bad boy teen shoots some people and not others), and also some odd shots (like a telephone ringing six times, we get it the recipient isn't home) this is still a good way to spend watching some 50's low-budget action with girls, guns and an interesting resolution.

The House on Tombstone Hill (1989)

Much fun, better than it looks

[9/10 · 26 July 2019]

It's a simple premise - four dudes (and two chicks) go to an old house which one of them rented or bought, where there was a brutal killing a long time ago, and they all get trapped in the house with an old dead woman out to kill them.

The movie poster is funny (I saw the film and poster as "Dead Dudes in the House") - none of these "dudes" are in the movie. And actually, only one of the guys is like a corny "dude" at all - he's a hard-edged California tough-guy type who needs beer, hates when people whistle and is sarcastic to everyone.

The dead old lady killer pops up every now and then to kill one of the gang, and the film almost runs like a videogame, with her being the "boss" of a round - if you don't kill her, you sneak around more, finding and making weapons, and eventually confront her again. And the ones she kills come back to life not as traditional zombies, but as talking and rationalizing undead, who are also out to kill the remaining friends.

The gore is pretty good, and of course this being Troma, there's some laughs in between the scares, but it doesn't get insultingly silly. Two characters in the house actually just kind of disappear without being mentioned again, and we never really understand why the dead old lady is super-strong or why she seems to control the house's actions, but that's all part of the mindless fun.

There's decent suspense, lots of cheesy horror cliches and dialogue, and pretty girls, a decent way to spend some horror time.

Joshua (1968)

Fantastic short film teaches a good lesson

[9/10 · 21 July 2018]

I'm very surprised that at the time of this writing, there are no reviews or ratings votes for this great short film, "Joshua." I remember seeing this film on television over forty years ago, most likely on some Saturday morning show on channel 13 PBS, which always played educational programs, or maybe in elementary school.

Joshua is a black student who has won an athletic scholarship to a college in Texas, and enjoys one last day in Harlem, mainly hanging out with a girlfriend, and running through Central Park. He watches animals with a young white boy who refers to Joshua as the "n-word" (I'm assuming the IMDB won't allow the full word) without realizing how hurtful the word is. Angry, Joshua runs off and starts a fight with a white teen flying a kite.

Sometimes, when something isn't overdone, it can do a lot more good than if the lesson was hitting you over the head like a hammer. "Joshua" is very simple story about racism that just feels natural, as if the viewer is more of a "fly on the wall" watching something very real unfold.

Joshua himself may not be the smartest guy (he got the scholarship with his running, not his brain) but he is by no means stupid, and he proves to have a lot of common sense. By the time the film ends, you are cheering for him to do well, and you feel he's going to make it in what must be a scary new place outside of his safe haven in New York City.

One of just two pieces of music in the film, the hit song "Cry Like a Baby" by The Box Tops, fits in perfectly and places you right in the late sixties as Joshua enjoys his last day.

It would great if "Joshua" and other films like it from the era can be cleaned up and released. Today's kids can use lessons like the ones this film offers.

Death Race 2050 (2017 Video)

Unfathomably horrific

[1/10 · 6 February 2017]

"Death Race 2000" is without a doubt one of the greatest, if not the greatest, B-movie ever made. It was funny, clever, had some good subtle points, and full of action and beautiful girls. Of course, it was directed by the late great Paul Bartel, who is still sorely missed.

"Death Race 2050" however, is without a doubt one of the worst pieces of garbage that has been filmed in at least the past twenty or so years, maybe much longer.

There is absolutely nothing here that is in the least bit clever, interesting, or even good in the least. As far as the basics go, the acting horrendous, the cars ridiculous-looking, the FX abysmal, the characters annoying, it's all just a complete mess.

Even when the cars "race" they are going so slow and look so bad, they resemble a warped bumper car attraction at the local fair more than anything.

And my goodness, Malcolm McDowell, what happened, what happened. Did he really need the money that badly?

The very most I can say about this movie that doesn't completely tear it apart, is if you are into miniatures, watch for some scenes where they're used, they're probably the best things about this movie.

This isn't even as funny and clever as "Hardware Wars" was to "Star Wars" if you can possibly believe that.

This truly is such a poor blight on the original classic, it's a complete disgrace that this garbage was ever even considered to be filmed, let alone made. If you really, really must see this movie, torrent it, do not buy it, do not waste your money on it, do not pay a dime to see this movie.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Boring comedy is short on laughs

[2/10 · 29 October 2016]

After sitting through the torture of the first comedy in the series, "Paranormal Activity," I'm not sure why I sat through this one as well. I guess I figured there had to be something decent about the series, since they keep making these movies, kind of like how the "Police Academy" movies kept being made for a while.

So I watched "Paranormal Activity 3" hoping it would be as funny as the first, and I'm not sure it was, but it was at least just as boring.

There were some laughs though in this dull comedy. The wife runs out of the kitchen area in terror when the furniture and more hilariously drops from the ceiling (after the ghost lured her out of the room with a well-timed doorbell ring (an old but gold prank), the ghost pulls the hair of a little girl and she just hangs in thin air (I hate laughing at a little girl, but it was pretty funny), and there's even an impressive scene in a bathroom with one of the little girls and a friend of the family which got some good laughs, and the actors get to show their comedy chops a bit.

There's also some of the typical "people dragging" that reminded me of Chris Farley being dragged around in some of his comedies. But mostly it's a very dull show in between the comedy bits. Like the first movie, you can condense this movie in a 20-minute short. Maybe tightening it up would highlight the comedy bits more.

Perhaps I'll check out the others in the series I missed. If you are willing to wait a while, often a long while, in between the laughs, maybe these Paranormal Activity comedies will be worth sitting through to you.

Sheriff Tom vs. the Zombies (2013)

Bad. Unbelievably bad.

[1/10 · 14 May 2015]

I'll probably make a few people angry at me for writing this, but I have to say this for my own benefit. At the time, I was in the band Ingrid and the Defectors, who have a few songs in this movie. I didn't write the songs, it's not my band, I just played the bass, but I know the band was happy about being included.

Anyway, after the Jersey premiere and after our performance there (arranged horribly, having the music acts after the movie instead of prior), we were asked to say a few words about the movie to some small film crew that went around.

Now, many may think I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but when we filmed our few words about the movie to that crew, I called this movie "great," which I didn't believe at all. The movie is absolutely horrible.

I'm a straight shooter, always have been, and I've always have told it like it is and have a rep for doing so...except that one, single time, and it has bothered me ever since. I'm not even sure why I lied like that, but it has really bugged me and still does, all this time later. It's the one single time I didn't tell the truth about something (as an adult anyway).

That's why I'm here, frankly, to correct that in a way, and give myself at least a little satisfaction knowing at least the truth is here.

And the truth is, this film is indeed very bad. And by "bad" I mean absolute garbage. I'm a huge zombie movie fan (especially the Italian imports) but my take has nothing to do with what kind of film this is, that doesn't matter. This is just a bad film, period. It's a huge mess. It's like someone threw a bunch of things into a blender and this is the result. The direction, the story, the entire execution is extremely poor. You won't believe what a mess this is.

This movie is way beyond the "so bad it's good" thing. You can't enjoy how bad it is. This isn't "Plan 9" where you can even laugh at it. It's just a complete waste of everyone's time, from the cast to the poor viewer.

Now, as for the cast, they do as best they can with what they have to work with. In such a bad film, they probably should have been a lot worse. They seem to be having fun, and seem to be trying hard, it's obvious they cared. The Sheriff Tom guy was good, and a nice guy off-screen. My take has nothing to do with the cast.

It's just horrific film making. And it just gets more messy as the film goes on. This is really an incomprehensible mess, maybe the worst independent film I've ever seen (granted, I haven't seen nearly as many as others have). As for the "cameos," it's obvious the film makers simply went to the Chiller Theatre Expo (or something similar) and got various guests (there to sign autographs for fans) to say a few sentences at their tables for the film.

Well, I guess that's about it. This simply was bothering me all this time and I had to get that out of my system.

Captain America (1979 TV Movie)

Fun TV-movie, don't expect an epic

[7/10 · 12 December 2014]

Sure, the origin of Captain America is changed a bit for this TV adaptation, but this is a fun little flick all its own.

Reb Brown is good and likable as Cap, and seems to have a good time when he has the (revamped) costume on. Other familiar faces are all over this thing, as Cap and his government buddies try to stop the bad guys.

Sure, it drags in a few spots, as we get more than one long sequence of Cap riding his very cool super-powered bike, which makes a wild thrusting sound every time he hits the gas and flies through the air. There's a few good stunts with the bike, especially one where Cap rides up a very convenient random ramp to jump his way towards a flying helicopter.

It's the 70's, there's funky music, pretty girls, and a decent story. There's no reason why this can't be enjoyed if you don't expect too much, and it is refreshing to see actual real stunts and real action as opposed to CGI everywhere.

Rock All Night (1957)

A lot of fun

[8/10 · 10 July 2012]

Finally got to see this classic Roger Corman cheapie, and of course it's a total blast. The best part obviously is seeing Dick Miller in a rare starring role, and as a tough street kid no less, who takes no guff from anyone and is always making wisecracks.

Miller plays "Shorty" who gets thrown out of one rock joint but ends up in another, where a pretty girl is auditioning and we get introduced to various assorted crazy characters. Eventually two crooks (led by "The Professor" from Gilligan's Island!) come and hold everyone hostage, and Shorty constantly insults the crooks, as well as the cowards in the place who refuse to take a stand.

One of the funniest characters is a "hep cat" beatnik rock manager who comes out with great line after line. Others include a boxer, his sad girlfriend, a wanna-be tough guy, his drunk girl, a reporter, a shake-down artist and more. The musical numbers are good, and it all resolves in just over an hour.

"Rock All Night" is definitely not disappointing if you expect exactly what it is, a fun hour of no-budget film making.

The St. Louis Kid (1934)

More great Cagney

[8/10 · 3 March 2012]

People watch the old Cagney films to see tough Cagney do some beatdowns and charm the girl, and there's a lot of that in this flick. Especially beatdowns - Cagney is always fighting and in and out of jail, even when he can't use his hands (he'll just head-butt everyone within range instead). Heck, he even gives his sidekick a good shot (it was deserved though).

While "The St. Louis Kid" won't win any awards, it's mid-1930's Cagney talking fast and doing his thing, this time battling, well, pretty much everyone. He even goes after a girl who hates him, but she's pretty hot so that's no mystery why he'd do that. There's a few cool old-timey car and truck crashes too that are fun to watch.

Plot? There's a plot in there somewhere, but really this is just simply fun Cagney viewing.

The Baron (1977)

Mess of a movie is fun

[14 September 2011]

"The Baron" really is quite the mess. This was included in a cheap package with a bunch of other "urban" films. Not a good movie by any means, but fun, and there are certain reasons to keep at it.

The first of course is the great Calvin Lockhart, who just shines in pretty much anything he is in. He's a black filmmaker fighting "the man" to get a film made, but who has to get shady after turning down a deal that would have turned his movie (with Lockhart playing "The Baron," a devil-may-care wealthy adventurer) into a "white" movie. He gets involved with the mob and other shady characters.

The leader of the mob, "Joey," is played by the great Richard Lynch, who is always perfect at playing scum. Some of my fave Lynch appearances include him on Galactica, Buck Rogers, and in "The Seven-Ups" and he's just fantastic. It was a very pleasant surprise that he was in this! And he is definitely a mean SOB. Lynch is so good at playing these roles that seeing him in 'real life' acting nicely must be a shock.

Joan Blondell appears as the rich white woman who eventually supports pretty boy Calvin. And there are some other familiar 70's movie faces as well.

The film really isn't that well made, but Lockhart, Lynch and the others make this a very good viewing. Some action and violence, but nothing crazy, and a very fast and convenient ending on the FDR drive (I think). Check this out for Calvin and Lynch especially.

Shamus (1973)

Early 70's NYC Reynolds

[7/10 · 26 August 2011]

I just watched "Shamus" for the first time, ever. I mainly wanted to watch it for two reasons, one being I like early Burt, and also that it was filmed (the Brooklyn scenes) just blocks from where I grew up. I guess that I like early 70's NYC films as well.

Truth is, I did make it through the movie, but it's not really that good of a movie. Actually, I pretty much have absolutely no idea what it was about. Something about some stolen diamonds, guns, and shady people but it all just got lost to me. The main fun is watching 70's superstud Burt do his private-eye thing, which is mainly smoking cigarettes, acting cool, throwing around witty one-liners, getting chicks to go to bed with him, and punching guys out. Hey, good enough. What was that plot again? Funny scene in a bookstore where Burt walks in and decides he's gonna sleep with the hot intellectual chick in there, and of course he makes her melt with his ultra-coolness and smooth lines. Burt smooth-talks the gorgeous Dyan Cannon too, who kinda underacts here, like she's half asleep.

There are a lot of familiar 70's faces in this. But maybe best of all is Morris The Cat, who I guess earned the role from his rave reviews as 9-Lives spokescat (he was also in the movie "The Long Goodbye"). Morris earns raves as he uses his cool cat skills to, well, be a cool cat when things are happening around him. Morris gets fed a few times and we don't see the brand, 9-Lives definitely missed on some early product placement.

But Burt is good, as he participates in a lot of fighting, loving, swearing, and he even drives a huge stolen army vehicle throughout town with no police interference. The movie has an odd ending, maybe Morris should have helped that out. If you can watch Burt do his thing without caring too much about the mixed up plot, "Shamus" is good for a viewing.

The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (1988)

Interesting, but it's a big joke

[7/10 · 28 September 2010]

I'm giving this a "7" rating because "The Metal Years" film is an interesting one. Interesting, in that almost all the bands showcased are so bad, and the "musicians" so horrid, that you can't take your eyes off them.

You get a bunch of big guns, like Ozzy, Alice, Kiss, Poison, Lemmy and a few more. But mostly the movie is made of lesser metal heads, and it's not a pretty sight. It's like a Saturday Night Live skit that is 90 minutes long, all making fun of rock and roll, trying to make rock look as silly and ridiculous as possible. Only thing is, this film is dead serious.

"The Delusional Years" would have been a decent title for this movie, when it comes to the unsigned bands they speak to - ALL of them are sure they are going to be rich, wealthy, legendary rock and rollers. It's downright sad (almost), as in one incredible sequence, where the narrator asks a bunch of musicians what will happen to them if they don't "make it." All of them pretty much say they will make it. Now, positivity is a good attitude, but there were so many cookie-cutter hair metal bands back then, how can they all seriously think this.

One band, Odin, is especially pathetic. Odin is one of the absolute worst bands you will ever hear, or see. The singer defines "unlistenable." But there they are, in a hot tub with sluts, all sure they will make it. One of them admits to almost killing himself at times, dampening the festive chicks-in-hot-tub mood. Odin what you see in this movie, is exactly what you'd see today if comics made fun of the era. They are BAD.

But not to single them out, so are a bunch of the others. Truthfully though, you really don't get a sense of the inside of rock with this movie. It's kind of cookie-cutter, just like the bands - a typical documentary that really could have been about many genres of music.

The saddest part of course is the Chris Holmes sequence, with him drunk in a swimming pool while his mom watches. The saddest thing here really isn't Chris - it's his mom, for just sitting there like a rock while her son drinks himself to death on a raft in a pool. Good going, mom.

If you want to laugh for 90 minutes and think to yourself that some people out there actually took this (for the most part) horrible music seriously, this is the movie for you.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Unscary nonsense, excruciatingly dull

[2/10 · 31 August 2010]

Wow, where to begin? "Paranormal Activity" is a movie I heard was so scary, so I finally got to watching. What a massive waste of time.

You know the story - a young couple living together have to deal with a "demon" that has been chasing the girl on and off since she was a kid, and now it's making noise in their new home. The guy buys a camera to document the happenings.

This is a ten-minute short stretched out very painfully. For most of the movie, it's established the demon only does stuff at night - so why even have the camera on during the day? So we can watch the clichéd nonsense the couple has to spew out in order to stretch the movie to feature-length time. These sequences are beyond mind-numbing. Watching the couple try to be "natural" is just downright uncomfortable and embarrassing.

When they sleep, however, the camera is set up in its place and we get to see things like the door moving and some lights turning on and off. Now some may say, "What do you want, gore? It's supposed to be subtle." That'd be fine, except the movie, again, is a ten-minute short stretched out to feature-length time. It's beyond dull.

Even way later, when the demon finally does a few things in the daytime, you think things may pick up a little, but no. Not a bit.

A little later, we see the guy get angry because he wants to "take care of the problem" instead of the girl calling in a demon specialist. Where did that come from? Wasn't the idea for the guy to simply document the happenings with the camera for proof? Where was it determined he was actually trying to "take care of the problem?" Was the demon supposed to say, "Oh, they are filming me, I better leave!"? Just another mess in this abysmal movie.

The laughs are good though. Scenes that are supposed to be "scary" are really quite funny. Watching the couple scream and get startled, seeing the girl get dragged out of bed by the demon, and lots of other stuff, it's all pretty hilarious. And the ending, actually, the various endings - all very funny.

Even the obvious ploy to have a busty girl in the movie so the guys watching don't fall asleep fails, as that is no consolation for this bore-fest. The guy reminded me of Jimmy Fallon and since this movie should have been done as a comedy, Fallon would have been perfect for the role. Him, and that busty Rachel girl also from SNL when he was on it, they should have been in this movie.

Now, I can appreciate what may have been attempted - to make a horror movie without the gore, and go for chills - it just fails miserably. Extremely.

If you have absolutely nothing better to do, and want a few laughs, this may be OK to sit through. Just fast forward to the bedroom scenes and get ready to laugh.

A Dispatch from Reuters (1940)

Not too bad but not that great

[5/10 · 15 July 2009]

"A Dispatch From Reuter's" pretty much has one great thing going for it, and that is Edward G. Robinson of course as Julius Reuter. Otherwise, this is semi-standard old-movie fare that can be quite dull most of the time.

Reuter of course was a news pioneer, but not every successful story always makes for a good movie. Seeing guys in the 1930s and 1940s play people in the 1800s is always kind of funny. (Especially when they do the "harumph" thing when they get angry.) There's a lot of talk concerning pigeons that the viewer will get tired of pretty quickly. The characters aren't engaging and the plot is, well, boring and thin. It's a ten-minute movie stretched out to 90 minutes.

Unless you are a fan of Edward G. Robinson really, which I am, this is definitely one you can certainly live without seeing.

Brian's Song (1971 TV Movie)

Great un-PC TV-movie

[8/10 · 2 July 2009]

As a big fan of TV-movies from the 70's, you'd think I'd have seen "Brian's Song" a lot sooner. I finally watched it, and wasn't disappointed.

You know the story, two football players, one white, one black, become best buds and help each other out. James Caan is superb as always, and Billy Dee Williams is pretty good.

At first, it seemed a major part of the plot would have involved race. When Billy Dee is told by his team that he and Caan will be the first black and white roomies, he is told to pretty much expect big trouble in every city they play in, from both blacks and whites. However, we never see any of that trouble a single time. And really, the only hint of any trouble of any kind from the roommate situation went Caan's way - he reads a racist letter that someone sent to him, upset he was rooming with a "darkie" - and joked his mother sent it. And that's all for the big, bad roommate situation.

However, this being 1971, there are various funny race jokes. Caan tells Williams he's going to name his new kid "Spade"; when Caan sees Williams fumble a ball around, he says something about "you'd think the ball had a white sheet on it"; Caan relates chicken to blacks; and there's a scene where Caan jokingly calls Williams a "nigger" and everyone gets a big laugh out of it. Ah, the days when one can make jokes that aren't politically correct! The ending is sad, and done very well. The whole movie actually is pretty good, and the friendship is built up nicely, We never really know why Caan as Picolo chose Billy Dee to be friends with, but it really doesn't matter. They made a good team in this flick.

The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit (2008)

"X From outer Space" sequel is a decent comedy

[7/10 · 28 June 2009]

Today I had the good fortune to catch the new "Monster X" flick on the big screen here in NYC. Although there could have been some more monster action, it definitely was not a disappointment.

The original "X From Outer Space" from 1967 starred newcomer Guilala, a monster who looked so ridiculous, that there was no way they could have made this sequel anything but a comedy. At least I think it's a sequel - while the title indicates Guilala does indeed "strike back" after being beaten 42 years ago in the first movie, there is a scene here with a kid (who looks like he walked out of a 60's Gamera movie) who names the creature "Guilala," as if he was never named or seen before.

As for the movie being a comedy, believe it or not, it's actually a decent comedy. Eight world leaders meet in japan for a summit, and take turns offering (failing) suggestions on how to kill Guilala. But the jokes aren't random - there's actually a lot of clever writing here. This isn't a movie full of dumb jokes.

There's also two reporters (including a hot girl) try to uncover the secret of Guilala through an odd jungle cult, who do a strange dance to worship a god named Take-Majin, who they later convince through their dancing and chanting to fight Guilala.

My main gripe is that there really isn't much destruction by Guilala. Actually, his best scenes come right at the beginning of the film, just minutes in - he lands on Earth, destroys some buildings and walks off. We then see Guilala fend off the occasional attempt to kill him, and of course his fight with Take-Majin, but the destruction ends right at the start.

The special effects are pure 1960's retro, from the buildings to the fire that Guilala spews out of his mouth, to the cheap-looking costume. This was all obviously done on purpose to pay homage to the charm of the original film.

Funny monster, pretty girls everywhere, and clever writing make "Monster X" a good bet for giant monster fans. And before the film, we had a 17-minute original giant monster comedy called "Gehara - The Long Haired Giant Monster" and a great preview of the new "Kappa" (Gappa) film coming out, and it won't be a comedy.

The Graduate (1967)

Horror movie in disguise about an obsessed psychopath

[6/10 · 13 June 2009]

That describes "The Graduate" more than anything.

This is indeed a pretty good movie, although I don't think it's one of the greatest. Matter of fact, take away the incredible soundtrack of Simon and Garfunkel and the film gets a lot weaker.

No doubt that everyone is decent, especially Dustin Hoffman as Benjamin. But there are various sequences where Simon and Garfunkel come on and you see Ben just looking psycho.

And that's the core of the film. OK, Dustin's Benjamin is a loser with the chicks, can't seem to do anything right, but he soon devolves into a psychopath lunatic obsessed with Mrs. Robinson's daughter Elaine, who he has known forever, but has just shown an interest in now.

Talk about a stalker! After one date, Ben decides she's the girl for him, and does everything possible to stalk, hunt down, and get the attention of this girl he's actually only kissed one time. It's downright scary how far he goes, how threatening he becomes, and how crazy he gets. And when he is actually around Elaine, all he does is ask her prying questions, like a pathetic needy little boy. There is nothing appealing about him whatsoever, making "The Graduate" not merely a horror film in disguise, but a fantasy, having any girl show any interest at all in someone as sorry and pushy as Benjamin.

Still, "The Graduate" is a decent film, even though it's quite overrated, and good for one solid viewing.

San Quentin (1937)

OK just for watching the actors

[6/10 · 13 April 2009]

"San Quentin" is definitely nothing special. Nothing so horrible, but nothing that stands out.

The main attraction here is simply to watch Bogie do his thing. He plays the punk brother of the girl (Ann Sheridan) who the new prison yard top guy (Pat O'Brien) falls for. So O'Brien has a soft spot for Bogie despite him (O'Brian) being a tough as nails no-nonsense guy.

Ann Sheridan is one of the most beautiful actresses of the 30's so she is always fun to watch. Seeing O'Brien act a bit tough is always fun because he's so low-key most of the time, when he actually gets mad and shouts he's kinda funny, in a good way. And Bogie is Bogie, acting tough and being cool.

Definitely worth watching to see these three old pros, nothing much else here otherwise.

The Guy from Harlem (1977)

Incredibly horrible movie MUST be seen

[8/10 · 22 February 2009]

I've never heard of "The Guy From Harlem" until I saw it listed here at the IMDb. I like blaxploitation so upon seeing the title and year it was made, checked out some reviews here. Needless to say, I had to watch this thing immediately after reading these reviews.

And they are all true. No one is exaggerating. "The Guy from Harlem" IS every bit as bad as people here at the IMDb say it is. I have no idea why this classic isn't spoken about when people talk about the worst films ever made, just a bad break I guess.

This is basically a feature-length home movie from 1977. The acting - if you want to call it that - is beyond horrendous. Lines are stuttered and the "actors" are unbelievably wooden and fake. NO ONE acts natural. But they give it their all which is part of the fun! The lead actor who plays the title role is a smooth-talking suave Shaft wanna-be private eye, who gets involved with solving a few related cases that also involve saving a few pretty girls in succession. Of course, even though he is warned not to hit on the girls, Mr. Smooth lays his smooth moves the second he is alone with each of them. No ebonics for him - he speaks extremely eloquently as he charms the girls he is saving out of their clothes. He is so smooth he even hides them out at the apartment of some other girl he knows.

The fight scenes must be seen to be believed. They are the most fake fight scenes you have ever seen. At one point after the very skinny lead guy beats up a bunch of toughs, he actually even refers to himself as the title role as he says "Tell him the guy from Harlem sent you!" The camera rarely moves and often it just films long shots as if you are watching a play. A very bad play. And yep, incredibly, unbelievably, there are two scenes that are actually done TWICE each, repeated one after the other. You actually see the actors stumble through the same set of lines twice. Did they just have money for two re-shoots? And one double-scene would be bad enough - but two?? It's incredible.

ENDING SPOILER! The big finale ends and everyone can go home. But wait, not so fast! The very big, mean and muscular bad guy challenges our skinny Mr. Smooth to a fight. And he accepts! And our skinny hero from Harlem WINS! And then it seems our Guy from Harlem, who sleeps with any female who crosses his path, is going to get married! To a girl he just met! And the whole flick is that logical. The bottom line is, if you like bad movies, this is a film that truly must be seen.

The Ghost Galleon (1974)

Can't touch the first two Blind Dead films

[4/10 · 18 February 2009]

I absolutely love the first two films of the Blind Dead series. While not necessarily too scary per se, they have great atmosphere, music and photography that does make for a good horror viewing.

This film though, which I saw as "Horror of the Zombies" pretty much can't come close to those first two. Two pretty girls get stranded on a 16th century galleon (supposedly in another dimension the victims accidentally slip in) which happens to house the Templar zombies. When others (involved in some publicity plot) investigate, they too are under attack of the Templars.

The main thing is, this film is pretty darn dull. There's an awful lot of walking around looking for things, and those scenes get real slow. And since the Templars themselves are very slow, unless the film making is decent (like in the first two movies), there's never too much suspense, especially when who they are chasing sometimes just kinda looks at the oncoming zombies kind of nonchalant.

The film is pretty cheap looking and bad. The galleon is VERY obviously a model, it looks like there was zero attempt to even make it look remotely believable. (And having shots of the you galleon ship that go from that to a real ship don't help the illusion.) There's always a lot of light seemingly to go around on the galleon. It's in another dimension, but there are live rats on board. Templar rats? The ending however is somewhat interesting. The version of this flick I saw was on the "Drive-In Movie 50-Pack Collection" and is ten minutes less then other versions, such as the cool Blind Dead coffin collection. So I will watch this one again as I'm sure the version in that is a nice print and complete. But for now, unless you really like the first two films and want to see what happens next (not much), it's best to maybe avoid this one.