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Eternals (2021)
Boring awful garbage
Everything wrong with movies today; poorly told second rate storytelling farted out by a committee. Gaiman source material has rarely been adapted well and this no outlier sadly. At least I know why it's called the Eternals, cos I thought it would never end.
Greenland (2020)
Good for the money
At $35m this is in the low budget bin for disaster movies and so isn't going to be able to compete with with the big boys like 2012 ($200m) or Day After Tomorrow ($125m)
But they've wisely stayed away from plotting too many VFX shots meaning the ones they do have are pretty decent. This also means that there's not a lot of disaster action so if that's what you're looking for you will be disappointed.
They story is pretty standard for a disaster flick but the performances are decent from big to small parts with a good cast. Script is a bit creaky and some good actors have to deliver some garbage dialogue at times.
But overall, for a smaller budget disaster flick it presents a diverting enough story for a couple of hours entertainment. Just don't be expecting big budget VFX sequences, and there's worse ways you could spend a lockdown.
Nazi Overlord (2018)
A far superior version
Nazi Overlord demonstrates the heights of greatness that can be achieved despite a minuscule budget and skeleton crew. This film has it all; action, romance, Nazis, drama, action, drama and Tom Sizemore. Nothing more is needed. JJ Abrams really needs to pull his head out of his butt and understand that he is being left behind by a generation of filmmakers not afraid to create hard hitting, issues based action pieces. This is a far superior and enjoyable experience to the bloated and over produced ripoff that is 'Overlord', and it's sad to see such a gem of a flick being overshadowed by such a pale and obvious imitation that just happens to have more access to marketing and the backing of a powerful studio. This is why people don't watch the Oscars anymore.
Yoga Hosers (2016)
Wankapalooza
I love Kevin Smith. Seriously think he's one of the most engaging, funny, clever people going around. I've been a regular at his Smodcasts, live shows, q&a's, watched all his movies, twitter feed etc etc, so it pains me to say that this is one of the biggest pieces of sh!t I have ever seen. An in joke wankfeast from start to finish, I gave it 2 stars rather than one only to honour the memory of his early funny films and what an all round good dude he seems to be in general. It's great that Kev has the money to do whatever and indulge whoever the f@ck he wants, I'd love to have that life too. But I don't, so I had to put up with wasting 90 minutes of my life being smacked around by the snotty end of Big Kev's fuckstick. The most entertaining part was Ralph Gorman doing his Hollywood BabbleOn schtick without having to do call outs to drunken white trash from the third world suburbs of bumfuck Idaho. When Kevin announced his retirement from movies I was disappointed, but after this unfunny self indulgent Wankapalooza, I'd rather he stuck to the talk circuit where he's still awesome as hell.
The Machine (2013)
When I grow up, I want to be Bladerunner.
Slick VFX and a fog machine do not make up for a clunky script, 2D dimensional characters and sub par direction.
Deeply derivative and wearing its influences like a hi vis jacket, the best moment comes in the last minute but up to then it's very by the numbers. Desperate to tie in to some Phillip K Dick vision of a dystopian future it doesn't so much nod its head to Bladerunner as goofily wave and shriek from the crowd like a tween at a Bieber concert. The faux-Vangelis sound track is just an awful, awful choice and invites comparisons that does this film no favours.
Yes it's low budget, but they get a great bang for their buck visually so that's not the issue here, it's everything else. Awful dialogue and misguided direction really undercuts the actors, meaning the performances have melodramatic and untruthful bent. Several scenes are quite cringe worthy in their 'scriptedness'. The characters themselves are very shallow and drawn with broad strokes.
The VFX are pretty darn good, and the director obviously has an eye for how to use them.
The framing, shot choices and lighting are fine but also not particularly inspiring. The overall look of the piece, stylistically, is quite disappointingly middle of the road.
But even these would not be as noticeable if the plot was not quite so bland and obvious. The concept is interesting, but it's told without poise or subtlety.
I'm sure the director will learn a lot from this and improve (I hope) as he doesn't seem like a complete hack. But he needs to realise that story is king and a rubbish script means a rubbish film. Back to film school for you Mr Caradog!