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darkfulfillment
Reviews
Smile (2022)
You can't base a movie on a facial expression
Creepy smiles can be cool. That is, on Google Image Search or in a social media post. But they do not a movie make. The trailer made such a big damn deal out of the scary grins that it's not only disappointing to discover that not only do they play an insignificant role in the movie, but that they're just one of a dozen or so random plot elements that first-time writer-director Parker Finn throws into the mix. He seems to believe that a scary image is enough to drive a plot, and it just isn't. Like so many recent horror movies, there's a seed of a really good film here: trauma is carried with you and must be unleashed in order for you to stay sane. But also like so many recent horror movies, it buries that seed under a compost heap of jump scares, plot holes, ludicrous character motivations, sloppy attempts at suspense, bad CGI, and horrible writing. Worst of all, the movie refuses to follow its own internal logic, always an indicator that a writer's in over his head. It runs far too long, wallowing in subplot threads that go nowhere, and the last 15 minutes feel like a completely different movie. And I challenge anyone to explain why the 1958 bubblegum hit "Lollipop" plays under the end credits. If you've seen the trailer, you've seen the only true chills in this movie. The rest is dull, pointless filler.
V/H/S (2012)
30 seconds of genius surrounded by two hours of total crap
Another found footage crapfest, this nausea-inducing anthology has almost nothing to recommend it. I say almost because the last few moments of the last segment show some real imagination. Genuine horror fans (read: not gorehounds or irony lovers) will appreciate the imagination in those few seconds, but most will have understandably turned this dreck off by then. I watched this free of charge and still want my money back.
Dinosaurs Alive (2007)
Waste of time, money and film
Checked this one out over the weekend trying to beat the heat. My time and money would have been better spent opening a hydrant and paying the fine. Out-of-focus boredom, from start to finish. The effects were pure 1991 Discovery Channel. Most of the film was spent watching paleontologists and students digging in the dirt. How utterly fascinating. I came away learning more about the canopies they use in Mongolian digs than I did about dinosaurs.
The kids in the audience seemed really bored, too. The advertising sets this up as being chockful of dinos, but they're few and far between.
Save your $10.50 (or whatever the overpriced IMAX tix run at your local science center). This is the "Battlefied Earth" of IMAX movies.