MikeyMo_nl Reviews

Black Eagle (1988)

Did they re-shoot after Van Damme's success?

[2/10 · 8 September 2006]

Strange movie this is. It's a typical 80's action movie trying to be a James Bond film (with Van Damme in the Jaws role) with two non-English leads (the heavy accents are all over the place) and it works on no level at all.

The story is plain stupid and could probably be resolved in real life through simple diplomacy or a quick Navy Seals operation. But of course this is one-man operation and boring it is...

Set against the background off Malta only one men can take on a ship full of evil Russians while entertaining his kids on vacation (and I'm not making that up). What surprises me about the man that goes by the codename of Black Eagle is how 1-dimensional his character is considering he has the most screen time and they tried to flesh him out by having his kids around. he stays bland, but then again he has no charisma at all...

Then Van Damme, here having about half the amount of lines Ah-nold had in Terminator he comes off as a baddie we all like. He gets more physics to display, he gets the cool moves, he even is more fleshed out (physical and character-wise) then the good guy. At the end I was just hoping Van Damme would knock his lights out.

Unless you're watching a horror film (allthough this movie is a horror to watch) you're not supposed to root for the bad guy. But I was. I'm thinking they re-shot scenes making van Damme's character more likable after the success of Bloodsport, but it messes the movie up even more....

Friday the 13th: The New Blood (1988)

When bad plotting destroys a movie...

[5/10 · 18 August 2006]

Friday The 13th Movies aren't the most difficult movies to write. Basically it goes like this; Jason resurrects, we meet the potential victims, Jason kills a couple of locals/walk-on roles, we see the future-victims doing pot, skinny-dipping etc, it turns night, Jason comes, chops them off until there's only one or two left, the last survivors find a way to defeat Jason. Ambulances enter, end of story...

This movie has a couple of things going through it:

• A worthy adversary for Jason which delivers a good end-battle - An incredible make-up job on Jason - Interesting kills, he really uses all the tools in the shed in this installment... - A couple of nice T&A scenes (sue me, I'm a guy!)

Unfortunately, this movie has a lot more against it:

• The gore that was removed... we don't get anything which really makes the movie lose it's punch and it really is weird considering how brutal the first couple of flicks were compared to this installment - The light tone displayed in part 6 has been almost ditched completely. Only one or two kills are actually funny - No attractive cast; none of the cast members will be remembered 5 minutes after their death. One can say that this is the case with most of the cast in these series but I still remember Kirsten Baker skinny dipping in part 2, Stu Charno telling jokes in the same installment, Reggie the reckless in part 5 etc etc. Ask me about this installment and I can only say that it had a really unattractive lead in Lar Park Lincoln and that it had a doctor which I wish would be killed way sooner in the movie. If you have a movie in which most cast-members have no personality, at least make their faces memorable. Even the slut in this film had the appearance of an ice-queen.

But in the end the thing that destroys the movie entirely is it's plotting; Jason gets resurrected comes out of the water, ignores a knocked out teen on the boardwalk (as Tina was knocked out while resurrecting Jason), walks by the two houses filled with teens only to appear 5 miles from camp crystal lake and make his first kill. Then he goes back to where he came from and just ducks in and out of the bushes to kill someone occasionally (using a different garden tool every time). Some people seem to appear at random. Maybe it's me but I never saw the black couple at the party, they appear out of nowhere the next morning. The skinny-dip-girl and her boyfriend; who are they, where did they come from? Can't remember seeing them there earlier. Are they walk-on roles? Must be, but walk-on-roles are normally always established by the characters by saying something or being something; the couple in part 6 which are celebrating something, or the hitch-hiker in part 4, even Demon is practically a walk on role in part 5 as he and his girlfriend have one scene in the entire movie. It's a walk-on-role, but I still remember his name, that can't be said about almost any character in this movie.

This movie will probably be erased from my memory within a week, with the only things I can remember will be:

"oh yeah, the sleeping bag"

"That girl looked good underwater, and above actually"

"loved that hedge-trimmer/lawnmower thing"

I won't recommend this installment to anyone unless you're doing a marathon, and that's saying something coming from a guy who actually liked part 5! If you want to have an overview of the Jason Saga, just watch 1-4, 6 and then jump to the last 10 minutes of Part 9, do Jason vs Freddy and then watch the ultimate Jason film; Jason X. Just my 2 cents...

Phat Girlz (2006)

The movie ain't phat

[3/10 · 15 August 2006]

The problem with this movie is, that next to fact that has almost no laugh-out-loud-scenes, the protagonist of the movie, the Phat Mo'nique is all but likable. Yes, she's fat, hasn't been laid in 8 months, gets comments thrown at her head (which she can reply to) but that would make you think she herself would not make the mistakes other people make by judging her by her weight. Unfortunately, Mo'nique only likes men who are extremely handsome and have gone to the gym a lot. Next to that everybody who is thin is referred to as a skinny bitch, and if that girl happens to be white and have a black boyfriend it's even more terrifying according to Mo'nique as "they are stealing their men" She's constantly judging people by the way they look.

And we have to root for this woman.

So no humor and no likable lead-character makes this movie a bad one in my opinion.

Into the Sun (2005)

As a Seagal fan I disliked it...

[4/10 · 3 March 2005]

weren't the late 80's and first half of the 90's great people? We have this guy who can't act but sure as hell kick a punch in movies with mostly no plot at all except for him kicking ass for 90 minutes long. OK, so they did have a little plot but the movies were all about Steven kicking the butts of bad guys. Steven would hit, kick, run, jump etc etc and people would get there bones broken in the nastiest ways. Who can forget the guy with the meat cleaver in "Out for Justice"? The way that was handled: pure testosterone filled ballet! Now it's the new millennium and the only decent thing our aikido hero has released was Exit Wounds (with lots of help from wire-fu, funny script, good co-stars, a good director, Steven who went to the gym etc etc). OK so Belly of the beast was decent, but not when you consider Steven had a body-double in tons of scenes.

So here is Into the sun, the latest fight fest from Steven and what does it contains:

-An openings scene which has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie. It works for James Bond but not here

• Steven doing pinkypink with his soon-to-be-wife (lame!) About one aikido fighting the first hour of the movie (against a couple of street kids)

• The rest is sword fights to the end

• Unimaginative baddies (I miss those guys from Under Siege 1 & 2, Hard to kill etc)

• Too much uninteresting plot too little fighting.

All Steven needs is a simple plot for him to go on a one-man-rampage across a lot of different locations fighting lots of men to get to his goal... Nothing more, nothing less. That never happens in Into the Sun. Steven just goes from friendly contact to friendly contact to get some info and that's basically it. Only in the last half hour the flick turns into a revenge-story and we get to see a toned down version of Hard to kill. What was the use of getting all that info in the first hour when the baddies get taken down by Steven out for a revenge motive? Next time someone writes a script for Seagal, just kill someone he loves in the beginning or drop some terrorists in the same location he is. Then get him "a shotgun and a patrol car" and he'll do the rest.

And make sure he went to the gym before the filming starts... those really close up aikido fights are not very exciting...

1 Night in Paris (2004 Video)

The girl has got talent

[6/10 · 13 December 2004]

This video offcourse is a curiosity item offcourse. To compare it to scripted movies is not the thing one should do. This is a nothing more than an amateur home video, so don't expect better quality then the average "american's funniest home video"

That aside, this is a fun tape to watch. Instead of fake orgasms and bad acting we get to see two people having fun with each other in a very natural way. That one of the two is the world famous barely legal and wealthy Paris Hilton is what makes this tape special and different from the average home video tape shot by a couple.

Well, we get to see Paris from all angles, and she sure knows how to give a guy oral pleasure. It does help that on the tape she looks more attractive than in her outings in other media, I guess that's mainly because here's she's really herself instead of someone knowing that an audience is watching. The girl has got talent, maybe she should consider making these movies as a profession.

The Opponent (2000)

I call it Rocky VI

[6/10 · 27 July 2004]

In this low budget action film Erika Eleniak, still gorgeous as ever, takes up boxing to release her emotions she has because she has a very possessive boyfriend who has got some loose hands. The film has an urban feeling which is good but we've already seen in it in Sly's Rocky franchise before. Especially training montages of Erika running through the streets in he gray jogging outfit makes you wonder if this isn't really Rocky VI released under a different name. The movie is a drama film, so there's more about relationships between people than boxing-matches (Erika only boxes in the ring twice) The one thing you keep waiting for is an eventual showdown between her and her abusive ex-boyfriend which just never happens. A miss in my eyes. The acting is good considering the lead is an ex-playmate and baywatch-star. The movie entertains and never gets dull. The movie isn't really originality itself but if you stumble upon it in a discount-bin in your local DVD-shop or come across it on TV, give it a chance. You might like it. And even if the story doesn't appeal to you: watching Erika Eleniak for 90 minutes can hardly be called "torment"

I rate it a 6

Gayniggers from Outer Space (1992)

Doesn't live up to it's premise

[4/10 · 9 June 2004]

With a movie called "Gayniggers from Outer Space" how could you go wrong? Just throw in some over the top stereotypes for the characters, use the Village People as the main suppliers for the soundtrack, and throw in tons of gay-gags. Plot is unimportant. Too bad, this film doesn't contain any of this and every joke misses the spot. The characters all look alike apart from the german gaynigger, one or two jokes work, the rest fails.

The title made me laugh and I was prepared to laugh even more about the film. My expectation were to high apparently.

Pista! (2003 TV Movie)

If you want to lose one hour and 10 minutes of your life...

[2/10 · 26 December 2003]

....watch this, this is probably the biggest crap ever produced for dutch TV. The acting is so-so, but the script was probably written in a minute or ten by someone recovering from a hangover. It absolutely makes no sense at all; everybody in the film is wearing winter clothing except for our leading characters who all still wear their summer clothes while wandering outside through the snow. The hottest big breasted chick of the bunch then wears a sweater the whole movie while most of her scenes play in a bar (She's a bartender). Imagine: a hot looking babe working in a filled bar where it's hot and she's wearing a sweater. Dumb.

and "dumb" is the best way to describe this movie in one word.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Delivers what you expect and more

[7/10 · 29 October 2002]

Jason, the legendary Hockeymasked slasher has made quite a franchise of himself throughout the years. A pretty good accomplishment considering his main trademark, the hockeymask, was only introduced in the 3rd installment. Most movie franchises have 3 films the most (Godfather, Back to the future, The Omen, RoboCop etc.) so when a movie's main gimmick (the hockeymask) is introduced after 2 movies it's quite an achievement that people Can you imagine Freddy without the gloves from day 1? I can't.

So after reading reviews here about good ol' Jason's movies it occured to me that some people do more slashing at his movies then he does in all of his movies together.

Unfair I say, because 9 out of 10 times you get exactly what the people behind the movie promise you: 1,5 hour long halfnaked pot smoking teenagers in the woods who get chopped up by a guy with a machete and a hockeymask (ok, so in part 1 it was his Ms. Voorhees and in part 9 it was a worm) You know what you can expect when you watch a Friday the 13th movie, and still some people review the movies like they were expecting a Usual Suspects!

Well this is the 6th installment in the series which reached a total of 10 movies with the release of Jason X last year. This is one of the better installments I must say. Out with all the seriousness, in with a swift and slick slashermovie featuring ol' Jason. There are excellent scenes in this one, the paintball-office-nerds- scene being the best one. Offcourse this being a typical slashermovie from the 80's you can expect the standard typecasting; everybody takes him/herself extremely serious (except for the 1st victims in the Beetle), there's the standard rebel teenagers who don't listen to dad, there's the ignorant local sherrif who doesn't believe that there is a supernatural serialkiller on the loose, there's the hero who wastes more time running around warning about the killer then trying to stop him. The only thing it lacks, but what we do expect in a friday-flick, is hot nude teengirls (played by girls who are way in their 20's offcourse). That's too bad, since Jason made it standard that if you do smoke pot and/or have pre-marital sex (although playing strip-poker is enough to get yourself killed) it is kind of a downside that the only sex-scene in the movie is one where the people having sex have all their clothes on and just move silly.

Well, I cab rave about this movie because it brings you the Man with the mask in a high-bodycount-story with a sense of humor. Too bad there were no naked teengirls, but there are plenty of other Friday-installments in which they do get chopped up.

I rate this one 4 out of 5 compared with other Friday the 13th's

Legion of Fire: Killer Ants! (1998 TV Movie)

Can this be the worst movie I'e ever seen? I think so!

[1/10 · 4 August 2002]

After being tempted by a cool shot in the trailer on TV (an ant walking away with a finger), I decided to watch this 'monstermovie'. Boy, what total piece of crap this was. I don't know what's worse: the special effects, the poor acting or the absence of a decent script. Look at those CGI-ants, don´t they look frightening real? NO THEY DON'T!!!! They look like black moving dots, nothing more nothing less! Look at the people running away from the black dots, don't you care for them and their safety? NO I DON'T!!!!! They all act as stupid as hell: Shooting bullets at a legion of black dots who're coming at you doesn't have much effect. When you're being attacked by the black dots while standing next to a riverbank and the firetorch doesn't work properly just jump in the water! I've never heard of ant attacks in the water! How hard can it be to safe yourself huh? Oh and one of the most annoying things is that when you watch this movie on a channel that doesn't have as many commercialblocks as the American TV stations (one every 10 minutes)you'll get the fade-to-black and then fade-from-black every 10 minutes, which is just put in there for the commercials breaks. I got the feeling I was watching the Bold & the beautiful! Whenever you see this movie in your programmeguide (it's also know as Marabunta btw) then you've got two options: you either ignore it as hell and live your life further without any memory to this piece of crap nested in your brains, or you can watch it and laugh your socks off due to all the flaws, lousy acting and most importantly: CGI-effects that make the original King-Kong look realistic

Ed Gein (2000)

You have to read in first

[6/10 · 6 July 2002]

I saw the trailer and it made me curious immediately. Upon seeing

this movie I was a little disappointed because the whole thing

feels like some sort of documentary but in this documentary

nothing is really explained well. I saw the movie and afterwards

reading comments back here I got to know that lamps on the table

were made out of human flesh and more of those little things you

have to know. That's the main problem with this movie. You have to know Ed

Gein, you can't simply view the film and get everything. One of the

failed scenes to me is the fleshdress-scene. We see Ed sowing

human skin together, perfectly understandable for the audience.

Then it is night and the door to Ed's home opens. He comes out in

his dress, makes a pirrouet and that's it! The dress won't be seen

again. It would make more sense if we saw Ed a couple of more

times at night in his dress. One other thing that happens is that there are about 3 killings if I'm

not mistaken. 3 killings in 90 minutes is a bit low for a serial killer,

but the again Ed killed only 3 people. He was more active with

grave robbin' but they could give it all some more tension?

One great compliment goes out to Steve Railsback as Ed, the guy

is an incredible actor in this movie.

Maybe it's a good idea to remake this film with a rewritten script

and Steve returning as Ed?

Die Hard (1988)

An instant classic

[10/10 · 25 June 2002]

Die Hard is one of my favorite action movies of all time. The struggle of one man against a heavily armed group of terrorists in an enormous skyscraper is executed very well. You want to be Bruce Willis, you want to be sneaking around, hiding from and taking on terrorists. It's the ultimate hero fantasy, because the story has a sense of realism. These terrorist acts happen in real life and you could be a John McClane if it happens near you. What also works are small details like John's shirt getting slightly dirtier every scene and the running gag of him looking for shoes. It's all these things and more that keep you on the edge of you seat for 2 hours no matter how many times you have seen it. What also helps is that the 2 sequels it spawned where not lesser-copies. They are also truelly original and give the Die Hard trilogy the same status in the Action-genre what the original Star Wars Trilogy is for the Science Fiction genre. Die Hard has been copied many times (Under Siege, Sudden Death, Passenger 57 etc) but never did the copies reach the quality of Die Hard (Although Under Siege is pretty good).

Show Me Love (1998)

Heartwarming

[9/10 · 1 June 2002]

After reading rave reviews about this movie I decided to give it a chance. This movie sucks you up right from the start. You feel compassionate with both leadplayers even if one acts like a bitch sometimes. The reactions of the people around them are so realistic. Kids thinking homosexuality is filthy and adults accepting it as almost normal. The storyline is well written and realistic. This movie is heartwarming, leaves you with a good feeling and shows us some problems that teenagers have to deal with in a natural un-hollywood way.

I normally don´t give 10´s to movies, but this one is an exception

Jason X (2001)

One of the best Jason's, if not the best

[7/10 · 30 May 2002]

The 9th sequel of the Friday the 13th series is a long awaited one. SPOILERS Apart from Jason goes to hell all other fridays were produced in the 80's and it shows. 8 Episodes of Friday the 13th delivered a lot of script recycling and brought us one of the most memorable icons in horror of all time: Jason Voorhees. 2 of the previous 9 movies tried to be different (5 & 9) and they both failed at that, so the production team was warned before changing anything radical to the standard Jasonmovie storyline which is: Jason resurrects, wreaks havoc on nearby camping teenagers who have sex and do drugs and gets killed by one or two teenagers who still have there virginity. However, in this post-Scream-era the productionteam got a multimillion dollar budget and changed, despite of being warned, a lot to the concept. Does it work this time: Yes! Jason isn't resurrected this time, he's captured and awaiting to be cryogenically frozen (the previous sequels pointed out that he just simply can' be killed). Something goes wrong and he escapes, temporarily 'cause after a few kills he gets trapped in the Freezer with the lead heroine and they both become frozen. Time flies by as we go 400 years into the future and Jason and the heroine are defrosted on a spaceship with teenagers(!) and a dozen marines. From that point it's just another Friday the 13th but this time in space and with CGI-special effects. Teenagers who have sex get killed, all the marines get killed, people who try to make money of Jason get killed, so far no surpise. The only surprise we get is UberJason; half robot, half organic. This is a nice addition (must admit I didn't think it was cool on the moviestills, but in action he remains Jason, only with a new look) Now, the lack of suprises don't really matter cause you get what you expect. The formula works perfectly in space and seeing Jason take on an entire team of marines is something else than just defendless teens. However this movie excells in the same way part 6 excelled: humour. Jason's kills are laughable (he's screwed) and the remarks the crew make are hilarious (I don't think he's out there. Well, why don't you stick your head out and peak then). The retroscene is also brilliant and hilarious, and is one of the many proofs that we all know that this is the 10th installment in a slasher movieseries. I really liked this Jason movie and it is one of the best out of the series, if not the best. My Personal faves in the Friday installment: pt. 6 and Jason X

Note: it might be useful for people who are new to Jason to rent a couple of the old movies, so they can catch all the selfspoofjokes (especially the retroscene). But beware if you do: all the old movies are pre-cgi and big budget moviemaking.

Exit Wounds (2001)

One of the best Seagal film there is

[7/10 · 29 May 2002]

Exit Wounds delivers us what no one who'd have expected a year before it's release: a theatrical reappearance of action hero Steven Seagal. The guy seemed to be sentenced of into b-movielimbo after Glimmer man but this is his comeback, and one for the better in my opinion. Almost everything that was annoying about Seagal to a lot of people has been removed; the ponytail, the zenwisdoms, the seriousness... however, he's still a cop and he's still breaking' bones like pretzels. Apart from a couple of small plotholes (Driving in a yellow Hummer borrowed from Latrell who's undercover immediately gives away Latrell as soon as Seagal is spotted in the Hummer) the story is pretty decent, at least for a Seagal movie.

Most of his past movies were simple revenge flicks, this tries to do something different for the man. The styling is very smooth and can be compared to Romeo must die. The hiphopbeats, cool cars, snappy action and nice cast work good. This movie can be seen in some extent as the sequel to RMD due to the styling and cast (a couple of cast members also have roles in RMD). Of course, no selfrespecting actionflick can miss humour and there's plent of it in Exit Wounds, mostly provided by Tom Arnold and Anthony Anderson but Seagal himself also provides a laugh or two throughout the movie, hell the man even laughs himself! All in all a good actionmovie which is sure to please you for 1,5 hour if you don't have prejudice grudge against Seagal.

7/10

The Goonies (1985)

One big nostalgic rollercoaster

[8/10 · 29 May 2002]

I just bought this one on DVD after I stumbled upon it in the shops and childhood memories came back to me. Those who grew up in the 80's will be pretty familiar with Goonies. It's one of those films you can easily show a young audience and keep them occupied for 2 hours. Now I've seen this movie after let's say, 15 years or so and it was one nostalgic treat! Sure it isn't as tenseful as it was when I saw it at a school screening but it is still one rollercoaster of fun and adventure. I recommend Goonies to everyone who has kids to keep busy and to those who want to recall childhood memories.

Save the Last Dance (2001)

Flashdance in the ghetto

[6/10 · 6 January 2002]

The way I see it, this isn´t anything more than a Flashdance for the afro-american audience. Replace Jennifer Beals with Julia Stiles and the Flashdance´s male leadplayer with Sean Patrick Thomas, change the music from 80´s pop/rock to R&B and you´ve got Save the last dance. Let´s face it:

• a girl with only one relative she has a bit contact with - occupied in the daytime so she can only train at night - an unfolding lovestory - The lovestory is troubled by the male´s family/friends - The endsequence is practically identical, including the fowlup in the audition.

They should not have copied Flashdance this close. Flashdance is a classic, this is definitely not.