jordan2240 Reviews

Three Blind Mice (2023)

I was rooting for the mice at the end

[3/10 · 28 April 2024]

Never have I wanted a main character to meet her demise more than I did watching this film. Three-quarters of her dialog was screaming and crying, and she did it in the most annoying manner possible (though I imagine I'd make some rather annoying sounds myself if I was attacked by mutant rat-people in the woods or anywhere else for that matter). I do give the film some points for make-up and gore, though it should have been more of a gorefest given how bad it was in scares. Amazingly (sarcasm intended), the characters use no logic whatsoever when fighting blind, mutants that move at the pace of a giant tortoise. Oh look, her back is turned for 10 minutes - I wonder what will happen. And the sound the mutants make is horribly annoying as well, and it doesn't look like it's even coming from them.

I needed a mind-numbing horror movie after watching a couple dramas that had me in tears, but this was just too mind-numbing and annoying to recommend.

Irish Wish (2024)

Not sure what the detractors wanted

[7/10 · 19 March 2024]

For reference, I'm a 63-year-old straight male. I enjoy chick-flicks more than a lot of women do, it seems, and I enjoyed this one. I'm not sure if the folks who gave this under 5 stars simply have it out for Lindsay Lohan or were expecting something other than what the film wanted to be - a feel-good rom-com suited for all ages.

I know Ms. Lohan has gone through some difficult times, but I don't know that her acting was ever the problem, and I think her acting is quite good here. I found her character very appealing, as were all the characters really (well, maybe except for the author's mother, but the actress played that role well). I found the acting to be just fine across the board, and while the film wasn't a gut-buster, there were a few moments that made me laugh out loud. And the film was far less 'sappy' than many of its genre. Obviously the storyline wasn't realistic, but it also obviously wasn't supposed to be.

I've been to Ireland and the cinematography has me wanting to return.

If you're in the mood for something lite with attractive scenery and music as well as a decent storyline and performances (even if we all know what's coming), I think this will fit the bill nicely.

In the Forest (2022)

Yes, the characters do dumb stuff, but...

[6/10 · 29 November 2023]

This isn't nearly as bad as its low rating would have you believe. I tuned in to it primarily because of the low rating, as I wanted to laugh at the stupidity, but it actually has some intentionally funny lines and wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. Yes, as in most films of this genre, the characters seem unable to fight off a foe for no particular reason and the film certainly has its share of questionable logic, but I found it watchable and, while I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, I wouldn't tell someone to ignore it either. I do think it could have been much better if it had ventured into the gore category, but that can get expensive. Overall, not nearly as bad as most of the reviews indicate - at least not to me.

The Battery (2012)

Dead battery

[4/10 · 14 August 2023]

This came up in my "movies we think you'll like" in prime, and since it had a decent rating, I thought I'd give it a try. I was a bit reluctant when I saw it described as "art house", which often means horribly slow, but tuned in nonetheless.

For about half an hour, I was pleasantly surprised. There wasn't much action, but I found myself chuckling at quite a few scenes. And then it indeed became an art house film. I really think this was primarily made so the writer (and lead actor and director) could publicize the Indy bands he either just liked or had some connection to. It essentially devolved into the actors doing essentially nothing for long periods while the music played.

The actors obviously have friends who wrote most of these reviews. I suggest you watch grass grow rather than this tripe.

Abandoned: Angelique's Isle (2018)

Wish I had abandoned this snoozefest

[3/10 · 5 August 2023]

Perhaps the worst film in this genre I've ever seen. I thought of turning it off after about an hour when nothing was happening, but decided to stick it out. I was not rewarded for my perseverance. I actually found myself hoping all the characters would perish so this yawner would end. Pretty much every other survival film out there is better. Not only was it boring, but there was never any explanation given for why the characters were abandoned in the first place and there is no real sense for how long they were abandoned. This is supposedly inspired by a true story, which means it is likely mostly made up, so the filmmakers could have added anything they wanted. Instead, we're treated to an hour and a half of funeral music accompanied by the same amount of excitement one might experience at a funeral. Waste of time.

Run Rabbit Run (2023)

From success(ion) to failure

[4/10 · 8 July 2023]

Watched about 2/3 of this snoozefest, then went outside (at night) to watch the grass grow to see which was more exciting. The grass won. Yes, I saw all the bad reviews, but given there were a few good ones that seemed genuine mixed in, we thought we'd give it a shot. Believe the bad ones.

The only reason we had any interest in this at all was because we were huge fans of Succession. We didn't expect snook's character to be similar, but we thought she might be discriminating with her next project. Perhaps the script read better than what ended up on the screen. I have no idea how this ended, and I don't care to find out. I'm guessing it is one of those that requires great willpower to keep from throwing something at the television. Seeing as to how I'm not prepared to purchase a new TV, I think we'll just keep the ending a mystery.

Creed III (2023)

Mostly a vehicle for Mr. Jordan to show off his physique

[5/10 · 26 June 2023]

I can't even recall if I watched creed ii, but I do recall liking the first creed, so thought I'd give this a shot. Gotta say I found it quite stale and uninspiring. It's primarily a retread of other boxing films, and the climactic bout was so predictable it was unnecessary. They really could have just shown the winner raising his hand in victory. I will say the boxing itself looked more realistic than in the rocky films, but there was still the occasional comical swing and miss.

There's also a child to add some cuteness factor, but I didn't find her roll necessary at all. And the rap music they played during the training sequences paled hugely in comparison to the rocky music, and added nothing to the inspiration aspect of those scenes. They did play a segment from rocky after the result of the last fight, but that didn't do anything to help capture the emotion in the original film.

Basically, if you want to look at Michael b. Jordan's well-defined physique, you might enjoy the film. Otherwise it falls pretty flat.

Death Count (2022)

What you should expect

[5/10 · 24 May 2023]

All you really have to know to rate this movie is that it has Michael Madsen in it. He's one of those actors who fell into the abyss and will be in anything that he can get a paycheck for. That said, he's usually the best actor in the cast, and that's no exception here. Nonetheless, the main female character isn't bad, and I could see her doing something of a more serious nature. 'The warden' performs acceptably as well. Most of the others are comically bad, but that adds to the entertainment value of the film, as does the gore.

This is not high art, but it provides enough gore to keep it entertaining for fans of gore horror (of which I am one). I've seen other movies of this genre that try to concentrate on storytelling, and they are miserable failures.

So go into this with expectations of what a movie titled 'Death Count' would be, and you likely won't find it a complete waste of time. I've seen far worse.

Fall (I) (2022)

Thought it would be better

[5/10 · 27 April 2023]

Five stars are basically for the job the filmmakers did making the viewers feel like they were up there with the girls, including the opening scene. I got a bit queasy watching them climb the tower. Other than that, there were many instances that had me laughing at their nonsensical nature. Without creating any spoilers, one such scene was when Hunter said something like "It looks like we're going to be up here for a while, so we better find a way to make ourselves comfortable", and in response the girls merely sat down. Gosh, that took a lot of brainwork. Additionally, apparently flying a drone isn't particularly difficult, as the one girl immediately becomes an expert.

But worst of all, the actresses are terribly miscast. It's pretty obvious from looking at them that each would have difficulty busting her way out of a wet paper sack, yet they perform some pretty incredible feats of strength. Comically, in one scene where one is using a rope to pull the other up to the tower platform, some shots feature the arms of an obvious stunt person, as they bear no resemblance to those of either actress.

And the overall theme of the film, essentially, life is short so you should do stupid crap in an attempt to make it even shorter, is just dumb. Oh, and buzzards apparently behave far differently than I thought they did. Overall, I found the film disappointing, and wouldn't recommend it.

The Strays (2023)

One of the better thrillers I've seen lately

[7/10 · 5 April 2023]

Went into this prior to reading any reviews, though I did notice the user review score was quite low while the critical review score was decent. That doesn't usually bode well for a film for me, as I usually find myself siding with the users. This was an exception. I'm surprised by the low score many of the reviewers have given this film. Someone even noted this was a bad Jordan Peele replica, but I found it far more compelling than anything Peele has done.

It takes a while for the intensity to build, but I much appreciated that what occurred was not something one would associate with science fiction but involved real people with real feelings. Throughout the film, the main character scratches at her head under her wigs, a symbol that she's not particularly comfortable with her new identity, and it all comes to fruition in the end. I did wonder why the one particular stray showed such animosity toward her husband, but I thought the story ended perfectly rather than causing me to sit staring at the screen wondering what just happened.

Murder Mystery 2 (2023)

I didn't care who did it

[4/10 · 2 April 2023]

The older I get the worse my memory gets, but I thought I recalled the original being relatively entertaining, so I was anxious to see that continue. Unfortunately, other than some decent action sequences, this film had little to offer. It sounded like Aniston and Sandler were basically making up the dialog as they went along, and neither are particularly funny when ad-libbing. I've enjoyed movies that both have played in, but they seem to do better in dramas where they likely have to stick fairly closely to the script. As a comedy MM2 fails miserably, and without the comedy, it could only be entertaining if on par with Bond and Mission Impossible films and the like, and it's not. I certainly appreciate the effort that was put forth by all involved for trying to entertain us, but I don't think most will be entertained here. I definitely won't be tuning into any additional sequels.

7 Chinese Brothers (2015)

Watching the dog sleep was the most exciting part

[3/10 · 26 March 2023]

Thought this might have some promise given Schwartzman was involved, but this dredge went absolutely nowhere for the time I was able to stand it. I think I watched about 40 minutes, but it seemed like 40 hours. I assume it's supposed to be a comedy, as it doesn't really fit any other category, but comedy is a huge stretch as well. The dog is cute, as is the boss at the lube joint, but those are the only two remotely entertaining aspects of whatever this is.

If you suffer from insomnia, this might do the trick in helping you get some sleep. Otherwise, this film has no entertainment value whatsoever. There is nothing redeeming about Schwartzman's character, and he certainly isn't someone you pull for. Apparently the dog was Schwartzman's actual dog, and I think this film might have been made just to give it some screen time. Mission accomplished.

Cocaine Bear (2023)

I figured with a title this stupid, it had to be entertaining...

[3/10 · 3 March 2023]

I was wrong. Other than a few good gore scenes, which is why I scored above a 1, this thing is horrible. I think I might have chuckled once, which perhaps garners half a star, but other than that, I didn't find any comedy in this at all. You'll laugh harder watching 'Goodfellas', one of Liotta's decent works (among many).

I didn't realize there was going to be some focus on kid actors, and as hard as they tried, they simply weren't funny, but they probably weren't given anything funny to work with. Certainly 'Sandlot' proves you can make a kid-centric comedy, so it's not the kids' fault. As for the adults, couldn't have cared less what happened to any of them. The movie would have been far more interesting if they all had met their demise at the paws of the bear.

So basically, there wasn't enough comedy for the comedy fans, enough gore for the gore fans, and no discernible drama for the drama fans. Essentially, this was a bunch of you've-seen-this-before scenes with an occasional bear attack. I will say the bear looked good. Huge disappointment.

Tár (2022)

Oscar-worthy performance in a boring film

[5/10 · 27 February 2023]

I thought Ms. Blanchett did a marvelous job of acting in this film. I can't imagine learning all of the lines she had to say. Unfortunately, I also thought she said way too many of them. It seemed to me that part of the goal the writer had for this movie was to show how clever and knowledgeable he was about classical music, though I don't know how many references were actually real and how many might have been fictional.

From the opening credits (which we fast-forwarded through because the accompanying music had us on the verge of insanity) to the extended dialog about various components of classical music, music theory, and orchestra conducting, it was all we could do to stay awake. When something more interesting did take place toward the end of the film, it was somewhat difficult to make sense of, but by then, we were just hoping it would end soon anyway.

But none of what I've said should take anything away from the amazing amount of work all involved did to get this to the big screen, particularly that of the writer/director and Blanchett. While I much appreciate the effort, it just wasn't for us.

The Estate (II) (2022)

Guess I'm in the minority because I found it quite amusing

[7/10 · 26 February 2023]

Lots of really low ratings from reviewers on this one, so perhaps I was just in a mood, but I laughed quite a bit while viewing this film - the wife, not so much. Yes, some of the humor is a bit gross, but I didn't find it to be gratuitous gross like one might find in a Seth Rogen film. I thought it fit the scene. I also thought everyone played their character quite well.

I laughed throughout the film and found several scenes particularly amusing. Perhaps some of the humor is a bit too subtle for some while some might be too over-the-top for others, but it combined both well. I though Anna Faris's character was especially amusing, with Duchovney being a close second. Perhaps some of the vulgar language could have been toned down, but I thought it generally fit the character or the situation, and I'm no fan of gratuitous vulgarity.

I think it's worth giving this film a look.

Beast (I) (2022)

Well done for what it is

[7/10 · 15 February 2023]

All the reviews I read of this film while it was in theaters were not complimentary, so I didn't read any of the reviews here on IMDB prior to watching it because I wanted to form an opinion that wasn't affected by them. Turns out the film was much better than I'd expected it to be, and I don't understand the criticism of the CGI, as I thought it was excellent - much better than what I've seen with animals in other films. I figured the rogue Lion was CGI only because there'd be no way to train a lion to do what it was doing, but I thought some of the other lions in the film were real.

Some have complained about the older daughter being an annoying character, but given she is an angry teenager, she acts as I'd expect her to.

I think if you go into this expecting it to be a 'creature feature', you won't be disappointed. If you expect it to be high art, you might as well move on. But I'll take this over anything Wes Anderson has done lately or some of the recent 'rom-coms' every day of the week.

Your Place or Mine (2023)

Not much Rom and almost no Com

[4/10 · 14 February 2023]

I know a lot of work goes into writing and making a movie, so it pains me to be critical of them, but it seems the romantic comedies as of late are all pretty bad. I've seen several offered by the streaming services, and what they all have in common is recognizable stars, cliched situations, bad writing, and a lack of humor. This film follows suit. I guess actors have to work, so they aren't always going to be that particular about what projects they choose.

Essentially, this movie takes a shallow relationship and tries to convince us it was something far greater. There's no reason the main characters would have stayed in touch for so long, and the idea that they might somehow end up together holds little appeal. I found myself not caring if they did. Had I followed my instincts, we would have turned this off after 20 minutes and zero laughs, but we stuck it out because we like the main players, and it turned into a waste of time.

The writer has some good films to her credit, so she has talent. There just wasn't much on display in this work.

Rockaway (2017)

Devolved into silliness that ruined it for me

[5/10 · 2 February 2023]

I felt the movie got off to a very good start and continued on that path for about half an hour, but then in an attempt to copy the charm of 'The Sandlot' (one actor even looks like the fat kid from that movie), it devolved into silliness and absurdity. The scenes on the tennis courts and then the baseball field had me fast-forwarding through much of the rest of the movie to about 10 minutes from the end, where it got quite emotional and regained some of its footing.

It seems obvious to me that most of the reviews accompanying high ratings are fakes, as there is no way anyone could watch this and seriously rate it a 9 or 10. I did think the kids did a decent job of acting, as did the few adults in the film, so no criticism there. But because of the aforementioned absurdity of some of the scenes, I'd have a hard time recommending this. If only it would have stayed on the original track, I think it would have been something special.

Dirt Music (2019)

Was hoping for a shark attack

[4/10 · 7 January 2023]

A shark attack would have given this movie some life. As it is, it's essentially a romance between two people who barely know each other that we're supposed to believe are so passionately in love that they can't live without each other, or at least the woman can't live without the man. There was absolutely no development to their relationship. My wife and I assumed the characters knew each other and had a history, but it became apparent as the film went on that they didn't. It seems the woman has a history of giving herself to men she barely knows, which one might associate with the typical lady of the evening.

Other than that, there is no action other than a flashback scene outside a bar, and the attempt to pull at your heart-strings with the frequent appearance of the child character fails miserably. She actually becomes more annoying than anything.

I don't know, I'm thinking I should give up on the Aussie movies. I'm pretty sure I saw one I liked quite a few years ago, but it's been tough going since.

The Black Phone (2021)

Well, the music was sort of scary anyway

[5/10 · 6 January 2023]

My reflection is scarier than this thing, and I'm not even that ugly. So glad I didn't pay to see it - well, I guess I sort of did since I pay for Prime.

I have no idea how this compares to the short story it is based on, but I have to assume the story is much better. At least I hope the story didn't include kids just casually sauntering up to a man wearing a scary mask standing outside a large black van in a town where numerous kidnappings have occurred, but if it did, it's stupid to. One also has to wonder how the victim is surviving with no food or water save one plate of eggs. And then there's the part where one of the previous victims teaches our latest victim an extraordinarily stupid method of using a phone receiver as a weapon, which fortunately is not followed. If he had followed it, he'd have easily been punched out before taking a single swing. And, of course, we're also treated to someone not understanding that if you are running away from someone in a vehicle, running in a straight line down the sidewalk along the street is probably not the best route. Even toddlers who can barely walk know to do a bit of weaving when being chased. And the killers mask changes are pointless as well.

And so on and so forth. Just another disappointing 'horror' movie that is more stupid than scary with no decent humor to enjoy either.

The Hike (I) (2011)

Not bad for what it is

[7/10 · 18 December 2022]

I don't get the low reviews, as this is not bad at all for what it is. To call it entertaining would be tough because the subject matter isn't really meant to entertain, but it has plenty of action and no stupid supernatural elements. It doesn't require you to figure out what the ending means either. It could have added a bit of gore, but that takes money. I thought the acting was quite serviceable.

I did see where the one lead is now in prison for sexually abusing a child with her husband, so perhaps some of the low ratings reflect that. But this film is nowhere close to the 4 or less rated films I've seen that deserve that rating.

White Elephant (2022)

Should have been billed as a comedy

[4/10 · 17 December 2022]

I suspect this was actually written by a 12-year-old and some of his buddies. It was comically bad from the start. I never saw so many people get wasted while standing around jabbering with someone with a gun while they themselves had guns hanging at their sides as if they had no idea what was about to happen. And then there were the gunfights in the middle of the night in residential areas that apparently had been evacuated.

You never really know what the motivation is for any of it, and poor Bruce Willis is so stiff it's sad to see. I guess they got him for the name recognition, but they could have used literally any older actor for his part - or merely grabbed someone off the street and fed him lines the way they likely fed them to Bruce.

Malkovich has become one of those actors whose movies you want to avoid, as I haven't seen him in anything good for some time, and he pretty much plays the same part in all of his later films. Olga K. Is also an actress who, while nice to look at, typically only plays in dogs.

But I did give this a four because I think it has some entertainment value as a comedy, as I was laughing out loud through parts, and it definitely isn't short on action. It's nothing more than a time waster, but I've wasted time watching worse.

Significant Other (2022)

From Suspenseful to Silly

[4/10 · 5 December 2022]

I'd give the first half a 7 and the last half a 1. I thought the show did well in creating suspense and uncertainty, but once what was really happening was revealed, it just got silly. And I think they used the same sound effect for the 'creature' as they did in the Predator movies even though there was no indication of why the creature was making that particular sound. It seemed pretty random. The movie would have been much better if the predator had appeared at one point.

The strategy the one character used in one particular escape attempt was comical, as was the interaction between the 'creature' and that same character. The big climax was anything but exciting.

I realize much of this is pretty vague, as it's difficult to write much without adding spoilers, but suffice to say this is not a good film, and I have to wonder if any of the good reviews are from people who watched it. It's really not unintentionally funny enough to be entertaining either, so the only reason to tune in is to see what reviews you agree with. I'm guessing it will be the negative ones.

The Noel Diary (2022)

Best thing about it was the other reviews

[5/10 · 4 December 2022]

I feel like I need a hard shower to get all the sap off after watching this. They used every cliche in the book to pull at the heart strings and create a Norman rockwell-like atmosphere with very fake-looking snow. And it's pretty much snowing the entire movie.

But the biggest fault is that the main characters didn't spend nearly enough time together to fall so deeply in love. I watched this without my wife because I figured she'd find it far too corny, and she would have. The big, emotional speech at the end sounded very familiar, and I'm sure I've heard variations in other rom-coms (though I don't think the com part applies here). Definitely don't see this becoming a Christmas classic.

Horizon Line (2020)

I'm in the minority, but I found it quite watchable

[7/10 · 27 November 2022]

Yes much of what happens is unbelievable, but so is most everything that happens in a Bond and Mission Impossible movie (and such), but those are generally well-liked, so I think this one deserves some love as well. The actors did an excellent job of portraying the sort of emotion that might go into the circumstance they find themselves in, and the special effects were well done. I have to wonder if Dreymon was filming this at the same time he was shooting The Last Kingdom since his look was similar. I was not familiar with the lead female actress, but thought her performance was very believable.

I was certainly never bored while watching, and there was enough suspense and action to keep the popcorn flowing. For me, this was much better than its rating on IMDB.