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Showgirls (1995)
So, what was the moral of the story?
Spoiler Warning! If you want to see this movie without any knowledge of what this movie is about, or how it ends, you should crawl out from under your rock, or stay there. Yeah, stay there.
Showgirls. Is this really classifiable as a movie, or is it something else? Is it a new beast unseen before these times, or a beast that has been seen around town foaming at the mouth and chasing kids coming home from school? Yeah, the latter of the two fits just right. I my mind, I see two people, running down a hallway. One is carrying a book of Aesop's Fables; the other is carrying a can of crumpled discarded writings by Anias Nin. As the two pass each other, a third person, carrying a copy of `Spastic Dance Moves for Dummies,' comes screaming around the corner and runs right into the other two. After the clouds of words settle, the three look in the middle of the hallway to find a neatly stapled script with the title Showgirls. Two of them run away in terror, but the third picks it up and a movie is made from it. Not many realized, but this stack of paper had powers that could alter peoples' minds, kinda like the Jedi mind trick. And now, here we are. A completed thing that was about 2 hours long and about as frustrating to make sense of as Vector Processing Architecture is presented to us. Thank you? No.
A girl moves to Vegas to be a dancer, but not that kind. However, it is that kind that she becomes. After beating on a car, she meets a seamstress who works at the Stardust. After a sex scene with the show's producer, which looks more like an epilepsy fit, and some other scenes with dialogue so poor that it creates rifts in time, this girl pushes her rival down the stairs. Who is to take her place? The girl, you know, whosywhatsit. She then decides that dancing is not for her, and she leaves town. The moral of the story is that inflicting injuries is how you get around in life when sleeping around is not enough.
Did I like it? Sure, it was fun to watch, yes, and to listen to. But I cannot escape the thought that the people who saw the first A-Bomb explosion must have thought the same thing I was thinking, what monsters create such things?
The General (1998)
The Sopranos with a brogue
I didn't know much about Martin Cahill before this film, and I tripped over it on IFC a few nights ago. And I'm glad i did because this is one of the best movies i have seen in quite some time. Shot entirely in black and white and told through a flashback, we are shown Cahill as both the clever criminal gang head, and as the father, brother, and husband of his family. The dialogue is intelligent, fast paced, and ripe with wit and banter between the characters, but one must keep attentive, because you may miss a lot due to the Irish accents. pay particular attention to Cahill and police when they awake him in his tent in the beginning. I think this is a must see for any taste
The One (2001)
take this movie for what it is
this is a great mindless actions film. Sometimes you just want to be dazzled by effects in movies, and this certainly fits the bill. I was laughing out of astonishment watching this film for the first time. It has some of the best action sequences i've ever seen, and a great premise. However,there aren't enough fights. I understand that those effects don't come cheap. I thought Jet-Li was great in this role, because he is almost a like a living Goku. The final fight, where Jet-Li obviously fights himself, it something you need to see to believe. If you want story and effects, rent The Matrix, otherwise, watch this for the fun of movies, and don't look deeper than just fun.
Greg the Bunny (2002)
if you can find them, check out the IFC shorts
i fell in love with this show when it was on the Independant Film Channel. It was on Saturday nights at 10pm and they would host a movie providing sketch bookends related to the movie of the week. These were light years ahead of what you now see on FOX. Some things in the FOX version are funny, but not like non stop comedy of the original. If you can, check out "The Godfather 2000" that they did.
Yûsei ôji (1959)
we like it very much!!
*Some spoilers* Short version: Chicken people shoot, some guy says, "Your weapons have no effect on me." Seriously, that's it.
For some reason, Krankor needs some rocket fuel bad, so he decides to invade earth with only one ship that happens to be filled with idiots, except for a few morons. Who is given the task of defending our planet? A boot black. Hey, it worked for Underdog, kind of. Well, anyways, this guy, our Prince of Space (PoS), "exchange a deadly barrage of negative scratches," as Mike puts it, with the chicken guys. Both have weird looking ships. PoS's ship looks like a wheelbarrow with a giant Norelco on the bottom. Krankor's looks like a chicken. Maybe this is a subtle answer to why they look like chickens in the first place. Maybe their culture is entirely chicken based. Now that would've interesting. One of MST3k best episodes from Scifi. Mike's line, "I understand you're stuffed with cheese," makes me spit my drink out everytime.
Uchû Kaisokusen (1961)
Creative aliens will never conquer Earth
As in Plan 9, the aliens try way too hard to conquer earth. In Ed Wood's classic, it was raising the dead. Here, they make clocks go backwards. Very original, however not effective. But Space Greyhound is a sweet title for a movie.
The music in this film is great. Pompous, full of energy, and loud. However, the film is not any of these. The music is also from 1800's Russia, and the film is set in Japan. A minor detail, I know, but now to the story. While playing outside, some school kids practice peeping on a couple in he woods. They hear a crash and go to investigate, only to find a large, ungainly looking space craft. The crew of the ship begin to kill the kids untill (thankfully?) some guy shows up in cape to save them. Hurray? No. This lets the movie continue for much longer than should be legally allowed. After a lot of hubbub about some Electro-Barrier, the aliens start blowin' up stuff, including a very strange building with a giant statue of Hitler. After a barrage of stock footage and replays of what we had just seen, we see more stock footage. A very funny MST3k episode from, what i call, "The Prince of Space Chief" duo of episodes, the other being "Prince of Space."
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
The Red Zone is for Cuba and un-Cuba only!
spoiler warning: Short version: Three guys like coffee, so they join a militant group of bus drivers hell-bent on capturing Cuba for some reason
If there is one thing Coleman Francis does well, it is filming guys who enjoy coffee. There is a wonderful scene in The Skydivers where coffee is discussed for 8 hours. Well, not that long, but the word coffee is used a lot. Anyways, this is the story of a young local newspaper reporter doing a story on three guys that John Caradine knew because they were on a train he was driving. He knew quite a bit for just giving them a ride and not talking to them. These guys need cash, so they join up with a few guys trying to take over Cuba. The invasion goes wrong and they are all captured and are going to be shot one by one. The three escape across the border into America, i guess, and kill the owner of a restaurant who sells them, you guessed it, coffee! They steal his convertable and junk it because the top wont go up. Something about a tungsten mine and a shoot out happens, more scenes with coffee, and it ends. Favorite MST3K episode from Mike's run, the short with this episode is great as well (put your hands on your knees, and rotate) You shove off.
Los nuevos extraterrestres (1983)
Not E.T., but an incredible simulation
Spoiler Warning: Short version-- Alf meets a young boy scientist, i guess, and shows him how to play Simon the right way.
This is one of my favorite MST3Ks of the Joel era. The "Idiot Control" host segment is a must see. Well, to the movie. This is a combination of E.T., Alf, Behind the Music, and fog. Lots and lots of fog. It is the story of a group of bad musicians that take their job too seriously, so they go the mountains. They apparently stay there for quite some time because of the winter comes and goes a few times. One member of the group falls off a cliff and is promptly killed by her companions when they fold her in half and bring her back to the camper. The road is blocked after too much fog causes a rock fall, and the phones are out too, due to fog. They meet up with a family of voice throwers that have a kid that has been trying to hatch an egg he found in a cave next to a dead guy. The thing hatches and starts drinking all the milk in the house. It looks like the head of a small elephant glued to a bear. Trumpy, as the kid with endless imagination names it, can do stupid things (as Joel says in one of my all time favorite line), like create stop motion animation and shake animal cages. Pretty soon, Trumpy's dad goes on killing spree instead of asking for directions. It reminds me of my own dad. 'Nough said about that. I know it doesn't make sense. I believe that the director dropped some acid, cranked the Pink Floyd and watched E.T. with a running tape recorder in his hand as he dictated the screenplay. Hey, it worked for Keith Richards and "Satisfaction," without the Floyd, obviously.
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
Bedtime stories for screwed up kids
Possible Spoilers: If you want to watch this movie without any prior knowledge of what it's about, go to a hospital.
What did the film makers find charming in this stitch job? Here is some sample dialogue of a preproduction meeting:
"How'bout Borgnine's grandkid can't watch tv so he tells the kid stories of evil journalists that rule the world and cute dogs that die in grease fires?," says the producer
"I love it!," says the director
I know this didn't happen. First off, the second half of the "movie" was filmed in the early 80's, so they had no control over the dog thing. Are we supposed to feel good about how these stories end. This movie was like the "Twilight Zone" with intros and outtros by Big Bird. The stories are evil, but with the grandpa telling these bedtime stories to this kid makes it appealing to kids. I would fall asleep too if i had to listen to an old man's rejected tv shows
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
A reunion with old friends
Spoilers. Short version: Awesome retelling of benchmark fantasy written by JRR Tolkien. Not deep, but it's not supposed to be. Not the best film ever, but awesome entertainment. ****/*****
First off, many people don't know that the(se) movie(s) are based on the three books of The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy. I left the theater surrounded by people complaining that they didn't get it, or that the ending was just a ploy reel us into the next two, or even that the ending was stupid, just stopping like it did and not knowing of the sequels. But, the movie ended just the way the book did. No ploy. And why wouldn't you want to see the next two? People also say the movie was way to long. I say, not long enough! Everyone is too tainted by the MTV split-second action flash bang crazy crap to have the attention to sit that long. Peter Jackson couldn't have done better with 3 hours than he did, with the books being so rich. Liberties were taken, and they have to be. What we watched was Jackson's interpretation of the books. He could not have matched our expectations, but he took a good shot at it. One very confusing thing in the movie was the two humans. They looked very much alike and i got them mixed up a few times.
I admired Jackson for using the B-movie technique of force-perspective to make the hobbits short. It is completely seemless. Gandalf is towering believably over Bilbo in their scenes in the Shire. Christopher Lee stars in the role he was born for in Saruman, and Ian McKellan plays Gandalf, the somewhat tempermental but caring wizard, just the way i wanted. Throughout the movie, we are treated to massively massive outdoor shot of Middle Earth, some of armies, some of orcs hoards, and some of snow covered peaks. These are not empty special effects shots. It's not like Godzilla (1998), where it seems they just wanted to see what they could do with Maya and a bagillion dollars. These huge scenic shots do help the story. Are we going to believe that the wars were as big as Tolkien said without seeing them? Probably not. Saruman's "Orc Factory" would have just looked like Frankenstein's lab if not for that one amazing sweeping shot that shows all of them. This movie took the scenic shots that D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation" pioneered in 1915 and one-upped them. Yes, many movies use extreme long shots, but they never were as striking to me as they are here.
People who thought this film was boring probably recognize a fun movie if it slapped them in the face. This is a fun movie. If you went to see without any prior knowledge of the series, you were probably left stupified. The Avenger (1998) fell flat because it was based on an obscure british tv show from the 60's, oh, and it was bad. Get in the know, then watch it again. I left the theater with a smile from ear to ear, wishing that the next film would be out the next day. I almost went to see it again, but it was getting pretty late.
Newsies (1992)
did you people acctually watch this movie?
Spoiler Warning (?): I mention things from the film here, they might be important to film, but i don't think so. Here's the short version of what's bellow: If you want to watch a musical, I recommend anything over this, you name it.
i saw this movie a while ago when i was 11-ish and i remember hating it. It was on tv the other night and, since MST3K has given me a passion for the worst movies, i sat down to view it with my dad. The opening shot is of all the "newsies" seemingly living in a dorm or youth hostel or something. After that i knew i was in for some awesome riffing. I think Duvall was doing someone a favor for wearing that gigantic bush of steal wool on his face. And why were the kids on strike destroying the other "scab newsies" papers. Pulitzer already had their money, so they were, in effect, hurting themselves. The payps (i guess that would be how you would spell it) were worth more intact. Maybe it was supposed to scare them into "striking." The "striking", the so-called plot of the movie, didn't work in real life when it happened. First off, it helps that the strikers actually work for the company they're striking against. What they did was a poor excuse for a boycott. The last of my many bones to pick is "How does the kid from 'Big' support his family so well on the change he makes from selling papers?" They live a great looking apartment for a no-to-low income family circa 1900. Oh, and why did the really small kid have a British accent? Come to think of it, that whole family had accent issues. It seemed like kids came from different countries than the parents. There were a few catchy lines in the songs and some nice dance moves, but they couldn't save it. Cult followings are meant for really good unknown movies (such as Carnival of Souls) or really bad unknown movies (Manos: Hands of Fate or Plan 9). Everyone here that says this movie is great, please broaden you view of musicals. There are many many great musicals out there that have everything over this heap. By the way, me and my dad had a blast riffing this movie a new one.