PiAnt Reviews

One Million Years B.C. (1966)

Awful, just awful.

[2/10 · 19 February 2023]

Ok so it might have been ok like, 60 years ago, but looking at it now it's just awful .

Raquel Welch may have been tasty at the time, but, again, the movie itself is not.

Below is just copied pasted of the above to fulfill the requirement.

Ok so it might have been ok like, 60 years ago, but looking at it now it's just awful .

Raquel Welch may have been tasty at the time, but, again, the movie itself is not.

Ok so it might have been ok like, 60 years ago, but looking at it now it's just awful .

Raquel Welch may have been tasty at the time, but, again, the movie itself is not.

Ok so it might have been ok like, 60 years ago, but looking at it now it's just awful .

Raquel Welch may have been tasty at the time, but, again, the movie itself is not.

Troll (2022)

By the numbers Norwegian Hollywood rubbish.

[1/10 · 4 December 2022]

If you're looking forward to something a bit European, a bit less Hollywood, with less military action than you're becming used to, then you're in for a disappointment.

It might as well be a Transformers movie or movie about apes or superheroes for all the difference it makes.

Prepare for disappontment and you won't be disappointed.

If you're looking forward to something a bit European, a bit less Hollywood, with less military action than you're becming used to, then you're in for a disappointment.

It might as well be a Transformers movie or movie about apes or superheroes for all the difference it makes.

Prepare for disappontment and you won't be disappointed.

The Tomorrow War (2021)

Awful. Just awful.

[3/10 · 27 August 2022]

If you ain't sitting there wondering how these little more than wild creatures arrived, piloting spaceships across the cosmos, then you ain't paying attention.

If you ain't sitting there wondering if sending people from the past into the future to fight was the best idea they could come up with, then you ain't paying attention.

If you ain't sitting there wondering how every single alien invasion by species supposedly technologically eons ahead of us always lose the fight, then you ain't paying attention.

If you ain't sitting there thinking that the CIA write cr.ap scripts, then you ain't paying attention.

And, if you ain't sitting there wishing that the aliens annihilate the human species by the end of the movie, then you just ain't paying attention.

3 stars for aliens.

Secret Headquarters (2022)

One for US kids

[2/10 · 12 August 2022]

Poor effort to eke out the tired superhero genre, promote kids with weapons as a fun thing and USA saves the world yet again.

Effects are passable if you're not paying close attention and the acting better from the kids than the disinterested adults.

Designed for US kids, who are likely to find it ok.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)

America Chavez? Are you kidding me?

[1/10 · 3 July 2022]

Prime example of followng the step by step guide on how to make a Hollywood superhero movie in the current political climate.

Not PC to mention USA as the saviour of all? Simply name the Universe's first multi-dimensional, Latino, conflict refugee accordingly.

CGI filled BS.

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (2022– )

Which rule gets bucked on this episode?

[2/10 · 12 June 2022]

United States Federation of Planets returns with a not-new angle on (US) humanity's need to convince itself it's humane, when everyone else is not.

Script is laughably predictable, as each crew member tries to show their personal foibles while all wearing the same shorn hairdo or freaky, alienesque facial appendages.

CGI is up to par, as you'd expect but, unless you'realready programmed to believe in the premise, you'll just find yourself swearing at the screen a lot.

Uncharted (2022)

Suspend your disbelief (and your brain).

[3/10 · 24 April 2022]

Semi-drawn out clue to clue adventure by numbers with little to keep your attention save a couple of CGI action scenes...

Oh, and the apparently hidden 50-foot-high sea-cave entrance wasn't just stumbled upon during the last 400 years in some of the busiest seas there are?

Very much one for the kids.

The Batman (2022)

Just awful.

[1/10 · 23 April 2022]

In trying to create a new style, telling a good story and keeping it interesting seems to have been forgotten.

And how on earth the actions of an elite vigilante in fancy dress defending the most depraved and corrupt seems to be applauded by the downtrodden masses is beyond me save for brainwashing.

The bad guys are actually the good guys in this series.

Squid Game: VIPS (2021) Season 1, Episode 7

The foreign VIPs spoiled the whole thing.

[6/10 · 7 November 2021]

It appears that the foreign VIPs chosen for this episode were either local English teachers or people who just happened to be passing by and wanted if they wanted to be in a tv show...

They had absolutely no acting talent whatsoever and totally ruined this episode.

Dune (2021)

Just trying too hard.

[5/10 · 21 October 2021]

No surprises of course for anyone who's seen the previous version of Dune.

Not really sure why they felt it had to be made - there are many other worthy stories which could have been made over this.

Oh, and when you get to the end it doesn't actually end. There's another one coming, but what's the point when you know what's going to happen and how?

Not a keeper.

Chaos Walking (2021)

Could've been worse, but should've been much better.

[4/10 · 15 August 2021]

An interesting premise and some noteworthy actors unfortunately wasted on what came across as a half-hearted cash grab.

It feels just like a classic western, set in the frontier, with the same language, costumes and protagonists, oh and some laser guns thrown in to remind you it's futuristic.

Not a keeper.

Cesar Millan: The Real Story (2012)

Felt like a promo for the real Documentary

[6/10 · 12 July 2021]

I like Cesar, like what he does and that he's achieved so much.

The documentary doesn't go into very much depth or get specific enough in any of the areas it covers.

UFO: The Greatest Story Ever Denied III - UFOs from Outer Space (2016)

Compendium of clips you've already seen on YT

[4/10 · 9 June 2021]

Yes, the subject matter is interesting and could very well be the most important story of our age.

However, this is just a collection of the footage and still images you've likely seen many times already interspersed with statements from people you've probably never heard of.

You might want to give it a look, but you won't leave with any answers.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

Not nearly as watchable as previous offerings.

[4/10 · 8 June 2021]

Save for a few, underwhelming and overused special effects (bit of floating possessed, sprinkle of twisted torso, windows blown out, dark underground Satanist's lair, dodgy priest only knows the Lord's Prayer etc.), there's nothing particularly scary going on.

It's just all too boring and predictable.

Zack Snyder's Justice League (2021)

Takes itself way too seriously

[2/10 · 8 April 2021]

Every cliché in the book hits one after another as everyone tries to out seriousness everyone else.

Not everything that happens needs to be accompanied with ancient Icelandic chanting.

What the word pretentious was invented for, and if you thought the end of LOTR was tortuous...

Ocean Oasis (2000)

Watch while listening to relaxing music...

[7/10 · 3 June 2020]

The imagery is stunning as one would expect; however, as the simple commentary is aimed at a young audience, I would suggest silencing the commentary channel and watching this while listening to your own choice of music.

Joker (I) (2019)

Believe the hype? Masterpiece?

[7/10 · 5 February 2020]

Certainly it's difficult to disagree that Joaquin Phoenix gave an excellent performance of a seemingly real person suffering from real issues, but the story was slow-paced and entirely depressing.

Ad Astra (2019)

Unbelievable, pretentious.

[2/10 · 6 December 2019]

Slingshot oneself through Neptune's rings from a spinning radar to another ship countless miles away using a panel as a shield to deflect the ring's stones and somehow manage to grab onto the ship as you slam into it at breakneck speed.

Seems about as likely as someone making movie about space exploration with Brad Pitt And Tommy Lee Jones, Ruth Negga, Liv Tyler, and Donald Sutherland which is utter rubbish.

But it happened!

Gemini Man (2019)

It seems like the "Face" tech is all this movie is about...

[2/10 · 23 November 2019]

...Because there's little else going for it.

However, if you like your action movies full of lengthy, pointless conversations with perhaps a couple of predictable, dodgy CGI action scenes then this could be for you.

Ultimately disappointing.

Door in the Woods (2019)

Easily as good as other similar movies with much higher budgets.

[5/10 · 31 October 2019]

If you pay much attention to other reviews you'll probably choose not to watch this, but it's really not that bad.

The actor playing the psychic is actually deaf IRL, which explains the signing between the players, and turns in a pretty good performance (certainly not a reason to laugh as another apparently ignorant reviewer wrote), and the other actors performed better than many big names would when simply delivering lines for the money.

There's a good twist at the end and all in all it's not the worst 90 minutes you've ever spent.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)

No surprises here

[3/10 · 16 August 2019]

Monsters being released as a means to cleanse the Earth of the destructive human infestation movie with adequate performances for the usual characters - except for the appalling overacting by Kyle Chandler's face and the usual nerdy-computer-geek apparently played by the geek's grandpa.

One scripted cliche after another as predictable character development concentrates on the human protagonists (civilians in this case bad, armed forces good), trying but failing miserably to gain any empathy.

The effects are of course on par but always in smoke-filled arenas, so you never quite get a good, clear look at them.

All in all it is what it says on the tin, but it's gone off.

Insomnium (2017)

You could have done better!

[1/10 · 28 July 2019]

It's like the movie you come up with while sitting around with friends after a dinner and a few drinks and deciding to make a movie.

Which you did over the next couple of days.

Except you'd have done it better.

You should only see this movie to see where you would have gone wrong.

Quanta (2019)

Bit of a mish-mash of reasonable ideas poorly presented.

[4/10 · 22 July 2019]

One wouldn't necessarily hold that the acting wasn't adequate, or that the production was poor for a low-budget offering, and the premise, which immediately reminded me of Contact (1997), is also intriguing.

Unfortunately, however, the overall presentation just seemed lacking in any real drama. I wasn't in the least invested in the characters or even the outcome and some of the things which occur seem to have been put in to try and flesh out the story somewhat.

It could have been something pretty good, but, in the end, I was just left with a ho-hum feeling of disappointment and missed opportunity.

Passengers (I) (2016)

Excellent in every way!

[10/10 · 6 June 2019]

If you approach a review with the intention of deleting a star or points based on flaws, then it's genuinely difficult to give this movie less than 10 stars.

The story is interesting, the science is plausible, the acting is first rate and the actors have genuine chemistry. Even the effects are seamless.

Science-fiction fans will find much to enjoy in this excellent movie.

I can't find any reason to deduct a star.

Pet Sematary (2019)

Horror movie protagonists have never watched a horror movie!

[2/10 · 20 May 2019]

Poor and entirely predictable attempt to get some jump scares.

Acting by numbers gleans no empathy as you remain reaction-less to the unfolding events as, surely enough, every horror movie wrong turn is duly followed to certain doom.

The child waiting in the dark for just the right moment to jump out for example, is almost laughable in its attempt to scare, as you imagine the what-ever-it-is waiting for the right moment as what-ever-they-ares do.

Not scary nor interesting at all.

Extra star for the sound of the car door at the end.