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Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
This must be a spoof
I suspected this might be a spoof right from the start when that naughty space ship went through that giant naughty rip in space fabric.
This is the story of how space Nazi Necromongers of the imperium of Man are flying around with galactic battle cruisers trying to gather a bale of hay here and there from scared space farmers in order to feed their massive space armada. They have the space Spanish Inquisition with them presumably because it gives them the element of surprise since no one expects the space Spanish Inquisition. Ridick hasn't popped out of the shadows yet but I remain hopeful.
PS1 Hopkins is boringly reading his part out loud over his breakfast like he's bored thinking why a long and glorious career has lead him to this. He hasn't bothered memorising it so he stumbles as he reads. You can feel the weight of his reading glasses.
PS2 they couldn't afford Bradley Cooper so they hired his stunt double from Denmark. He looks dubbed when he speaks. He's a soap actor back home.
PS3 They just walked into the Rocky Horror Star Wars Cantina. Snyder must be having us on. This film is like Not Another Star Space Movie. They got aliens, they got crossdressers, they got alien crossdressers. The director feels compelled to zoom in on every single one to ensure you get the most out of their makeup budget because presumably you've lost interest by now and are checking your Reddit feed. Crossdressers in space: This movie is ahead of its time.
PS4 Charles Matthew doing an Irish accent. Nobody told them it's not OK these days. Is this the space, Irish traveller version of Apu?
PS5 Last of the Aquamen is hammering something but they trick Watto into releasing him by riding Hagrid's griffin. He tames the flying beast in the end even though he's not a blue giant Smurf. Watto then proceeds to get hoisted by his own petard.
PS6 Evil pirate witch of the far east (or is she an evil rice picker?) takes Sting and goes Frodo on the opera singer from the fifth element, only she's a spider. Didn't I see her in Deep Space 9?
PS7 You want your child to have the power to bring animals back from the dead? Just name them after another person who could bring back animals from the dead. So simple! Imagine all the other superpowers you could bestow on people just by naming them.
PS8 Angry black man has had it with them lot and won't help. No wait, give it 10 seconds... yep... he'll help. Just need to finish his bath. He's angry but he's nice deep inside.
PS9 Uruk-hai Orks. They might be taking the hobbits to Isengard. Who knows, the night is young.
PS10 Rebels. Or are they space raccoons? You can tell they are up to no good because they all have Daryl Hannah's Nexus-6 replicant makeup. So hot right now.
PS11 Generic nazi general shows Jar Jar Binks that this is Sparta... but with a club... not his foot... and in space... not Sparta
PS12 Darth General went over the edge deadpool style but now Sofia Skywalker is hanging from Cloud City's antenna. Is it going to be a family moment?
PS13 Darth General lost. The Spanish Inquisition puts him in the Matrix where he meets angry Dumbledore. He's not happy. Darth general promises he'll be a good boy. Oh alright then! One last time!
Some other stuff about some sort of justice league forming.
Promises of a part two with fanfare and inspirational music.
Who cares? I'm out of wine.
Claimed and Shamed (2012)
yaaaaaaawwwwn
Massive yawnfest where no one, ever, gets shamed. Constant get-excited-music and drumrolls over insurance reps droning on as if talking about their stamp collection. Suspenseful photo montages of pictures of "crashes" that involve a bike's tyre ever so slightly touching a car's bumper... reenactments done by "actors" who I'm sure are just the producer's mates and family members to keep costs down. At this point I have to write another 170 characters to meet the minimum requirements for posting a review so since there's nothing left to say I'll just finish by saying the whole thing is on par with a school project... you know, like those papier mache volcanos you see films.