non-shill Reviews

Boudica: Queen of War (2023)

OMFG can I rate it with a 0? No? I have to give it a 1?

[4 November 2023]

Where to begin?

The acting is embarrassingly bad. The casting is embarrassingly bad since this is a historical drama... But I can't say exactly how and why without risking being banned and doxxed and deprived of life, love, liberty, and income, because that's the right way to run a civilization, for sure™.

The movie wasn't a total waste. I did find it hilarious how the brass sword magically healed and floated through space and made that ridiculous ringing sound. No, seriously, my sides hurt from those scenes, and in all sincerity, I thank you.

As far as the rest of the movie, it's about as faithful a reference to historical events as you should expect if your I. Q. is above around 95. Meaning, it's total garbage.

And now, I'm tired of typing.

Swan Song (I) (2021)

I can't think of a clever review title. I liked it.

[18 December 2021]

I like very few movies these days, but I liked Swan Song.

Science fiction? It didn't strike me as being in that genre; to me it was about what it means to be human, to love and sacrifice for others, and to have a sense of self.

They hardly get into the science of it at all, which I appreciate, because it almost certainly would have sounded absurd and been an unwanted distraction from the human element.

Mahershala Ali does a great job and avoids overacting in a role that would have been very amenable to it.

But ... "Poppy"? They should have chosen a less distractingly-cringe name for the lead female.

Beatriz at Dinner (2017)

Boring anti-White nonsense

[4 November 2019]

This is just another in a long line of anti-White films. You know the drill: Innocent, pure, upstanding brown person seems to be treated nicely by White people, but the White people are actually cruel, soulless, vapid world-destroyers. Same agenda as always, and it ain't getting any more true.

The Parts You Lose (2019)

A touching film

[6 October 2019]

I am terrible at writing reviews, and rarely see the point in doing so, given that there are so many that are fake or of otherwise negative intent. But I felt compelled to review this film.

I grew up starving for a positive male role model, and so I related quite strongly to this story. I can understand those who don't have that connection finding the film slow or outright boring.

For my part, though, I very much enjoyed a story that spoke to the need for such a figure in a young boy's life.

My uncle actually moved in with us for a time, and I relished it--but my mother thought his dating lifestyle was a negative influence, so she kicked him out. It was agonizing to me. And yet I said nothing.

We are human beings that have needs. Being ignored and/or abused and/or ridiculed relentlessly are not among them.

Thank you for telling a worthwhile story from such an incredibly rare angle.

The Punisher (2017–2019)

I can't think of a way to make it worse

[29 January 2019]

You have all the usual and annoying cliches: * Don't let the audience know what the hell is going on. If they knew the plot straight away, they'd figure out too early how awful it was. * Killing men is just fine. * Killing women is wrong, even if they have killed others and are trying to kill you. * Always avoid killing some of the worst people, even if you have slaughtered droves of others for far smaller reasons. * Insist on helping the most annoying girl ever, for no reason whatsoever. * Don't call the police, even when it is the obvious thing to do. * If someone saves your life multiple times, be sure to lie to them, try to ditch them, and try to screw them over with the police. Because this isn't annoying to sane viewers, no not at all. * Take your viewers for granted.

F Is for Family (2015–2021)

Somewhat entertaining, but disappointing and cliché

[8 June 2017]

I have watched season 1 and 2 of "F is for Family". Being a fan of Bill Burr was the sole driver for me to watch, since I have not been a viewer of other adult cartoons, including all the most popular ones.

The show is quite dark and negative at times, but not in a way I find very relatable. What annoyed me throughout season 2 in particular was how utterly cliché the main characters are: A loser husband who can hardly do anything right and constantly needs to apologize to his wife, a wife who is essentially perfect and more attractive than the husband, loser male children, and an essentially perfect female child.

To add irony, Bill Burr has railed against those exact stereotypes in his stand-up comedy routines and on his podcast. I guess the bags of Netflix money made getting on the train to Cliché Town irresistible.

What's more, there was one and only one laugh-out-loud moment for me in the entire second season, and it happened at the very end of the very last episode. Weak.

This is the part where you vote me down because you're an unquestioning fan and need to bury any review you disagree with.

Master of None (2015–2021)

Too contrived and forced

[8 November 2015]

I had trouble getting through even the first episode. There were some somewhat funny moments, but they felt too ... forced. They try way too hard and they may as well have a person in the show holding up cue cards for the viewer saying "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY!!!" There are way too situations that are way too unnatural and unrealistic.

I know the knee-jerk response is that "It's a comedy," but that does not cut it as an answer. I like Louie, even though that's not purely a comedy... Louie is the opposite if "forced." The comedy in Louie just flows. In "Master of None," it's jammed in your face on a silver platter.

This show is so terrible that I feel embarrassed for the actors.

Warrior (2011)

Simply ridiculous

[23 December 2011]

Let me submit another review that is sure to accumulate negative votes from people who enjoy any brainless series of images you throw at them. Why not? The only problem is that it's really difficult to review this movie--to describe its crapitude--without including spoilers.

This could have been quite a good movie. It really could have. But rather than make it even the slightest bit realistic, they take the low road. All the main characters are caricatures.

I am very good at avoiding the temptation to predict what will happen in movies. I don't find it enjoyable to guess what will happen. A good movie will help to this end, by not being painfully predictable. This movie is so painfully predictable... it hurts. The kind of "predictable" that is utterly annoying. And unbelievable.

We have two brothers who look absolutely nothing like brothers. And neither looks at all like their father. Already, this movie is making it difficult to suspend disbelief.

One brother is an absolute monster in the ring. The other was not good at all, even in his prime. Yet we are supposed to believe that the guy who sucked when he was a young adult has become the world's best fighter in his late 30s, after a few weeks of training listening to Beethoven.

The middle-aged brother is so opposed to filing for bankruptcy that he decides it's better to get pummeled to make money, because hey, $500 here and there is so worth it. And he loses his teaching job along the way. Great plot. But oh!--There's a huge tournament coming up with a massive payout! How lucky! Good thing middle-aged brother has a Rocky-like ability to overcome the ravages of time and reality.

It becomes annoyingly obvious early on what will happen: The motivated middle-aged guy will defeat his talented brother (who magically ripped the door off a tank), and a mysterious, monstrous Russian who has wiped out everyone in his path thus far. Yeah, OK. The movie tries to stem predictability by adding a contrived bit about the talented brother giving the (huge) fight winnings to a fallen comrade's wife, but it doesn't help much toward that end. The movie is still painfully predictable.

The crap relationship the brothers each have with their father goes nowhere. The best and most realistic part of the movie is when Nick Nolte's character falls off the wagon and gets drunk after being berated for the billionth time by talented son.

Please, please rate this review as not helpful. I need to feel like I'm not a mindless sheep and helpful votes will not achieve that end.

A Little Help (2010)

I need "A Little Help" forgetting this awful piece of trash

[11 October 2011]

I have no idea how this film can be rated anything above 2/10. The film is utterly pointless in every facet. Every frame is annoying.

I am a fan of the TV show "The Office", but I find Jenna Fisher's character in that show annoying. I guess playing annoying characters is her talent, because her character in this film is incredibly annoying throughout the film. It's hard to expand on that without including spoilers (not that anything could "spoil" this film more than the awful script already does); and I hate reviews with spoilers.

As I said, this film is pointless. Nothing is resolved. The main character (Fishcher) is an idiot who learns nothing and grows not one iota. Her son is a liar and an idiot who changes not one iota. She has problems; her son has problems; her sister and brother-in-law have problems; her nephew has problems, and on and on... None of these things are resolved. No point is made. The main character "grows" some reviewers claim? Did we watch the same movie? Fisher's character does one aggravatingly-stupid thing after another; me and my wife kept saying "Why would she do that?" This movie is a pointless, poorly-acted crapfest.

Zookeeper (2011)

Suckfest

[23 August 2011]

This movie sucked. Let's not beat around the bush. I saw it with my 8-year-old daughter. She thought it was "OK", which for her is really telling, since she likes almost any move she sees. This movie sucked hard enough even to get *her* attention.

I'm glad some reviewers enjoyed it. Fantastic. Is this really something to brag about? You enjoyed it and your child did--aaaaaand, that says what about you? It says you don't get out as much as you should.

The script? Wow. Boring, predictable, annoying, vapid, meaningless, pointless... Do I need to go on? James' character is inexplicably drawn to a shallow, annoying woman, and ignores the woman he should be paying attention to. This goes in--agonizingly--until the very last minute, when the boring, predictable, annoying finale takes place. The only satisfying thing is that when it does, this crapfest is finally over.

I don't see how anyone associated with this film could not have found it utterly humiliating to be a part of. I was embarrassed for the voice actors. Stallone as the male lion was ridiculous, but look what he had to work with. Rudolph as the giraffe was truly annoying. There wasn't a single good line in this awful movie.

A family movie? You'd think a family movie would be successful at entertaining... Oh, I dunno, at least *one* type of family member. This film was so lame it doesn't entertain anyone who has seen another film within the past 25 years or so.

Small Town Murder Songs (2010)

Suckfest

[24 July 2011]

Yeah, it's like a Coen film. Mainly because it's horrible. But also because it doesn't even try to make sense or mean anything.

The movie begins--and is intermittently littered with--ridiculous, meaningless religious expressions like "GOD FINDS US WHERE WE'RE AT". Enlightening? No. Meaningful? No. Pertinent? No.

And the music? It's mixed at an obnoxious volume level, and each and every song is an auditory abomination. Which fits in just fine with the awful script.

It's supposedly "artistic" and "sophisticated" to vomit out movies like this. I think it's lazy and pathetic. Leaving gigantic holes in the plot and nearly totally omitting character development doesn't "make you think", it makes you wonder why you're wasting your time on such a vacuous film.

The Green Hornet (2011)

Wow

[28 February 2011]

Yet another horrible Hollywood offering that comes loaded with fake review after fake review. How else to explain the relatively high rating here? Did they put something in municipal water supplies? I shudder to think what could make the average person rate this film above a 2.

There's nothing on offer of any value here. Rogen plays the exact same character he always does: Stupid, loathsome, and boorish. And it's no longer the slightest bit entertaining. And whoa--what's this? Now he has an Asian sidekick. I guess that's supposed to be endearing somehow. And since he's from the Far East, he must have magical fighting powers. Oh yessiree, time almost stands still for him, yes it does. Too bad that doesn't make the fight sequences the least bit entertaining.

No story of any value. No visuals of any value. Horrible plot, horrible acting. If I rubbed dirt in my eyes for a week straight, seeing this movie would STILL be a step down.

And Soon the Darkness (2010)

More clichéd crap

[30 December 2010]

I watched 80% of this movie and could take no more when the cliché got neck-deep. It was bad enough that the filmmaker expects me to care about some whore who gets kidnapped. No, sorry, I was actually glad to see her go.

In any case, whore gets taken, dumb friend finds her through unbelievable luck, they get away, have the antagonist at bay, can take him out, but stop pathetically short. Then we have the quintessential vehicle-that-always-started-fine-suddenly-won't scene. And then I hit Stop.

As always, I request that idiots who appreciate crap movies to rate my review as not helpful. Thank you.

My Life Without Me (2003)

Watch This Crap Movie Without Me

[20 December 2010]

Aside from a couple good acting performances, this film has nothing going for it. A (very) young woman finds out she has only a couple months to live, and takes this news as if she had been told her car needed a new transmission. Get a second opinion? No--why bother? See an oncologist? Nah... Just ask for candy from the doctor and make a few tapes for people to listen to after you're dead.

So, we don't get to witness any real emotional response from the main character. And because she refuses to tell anyone she's dying, we don't get to experience any other characters' responses, either. The whole film is thus boring, tedious and pointless.

The role of the "other man" is underplayed and just... weird. The voiceovers don't add much, and even if they attempted to, it would be a cheap, easy way out.

But of course, any movie with a person dying of cancer gets an automatic 8-to-10 vote from most people. Ridiculous.

Please rate this review as "not helpful". I WANT you to!

Barry Munday (2010)

Horrible waste of time

[11 December 2010]

I'm not sure what genre this movie was supposed to fall under. Comedy? It isn't funny. Drama? Get serious.

What we have is a guy who loses his testicles under ridiculous circumstances, and seems OK with it from the start. Me, I'd be pretty upset, but hey, maybe I'm just nutty. Apparently, this is supposed to be hilarious--a guy losing his balls--because... Well, specifically because it's a guy.

Roughly 90% of the movie is spent with almost everyone treating the main character like total garbage, including general nastiness and incessant name-calling. Why this happens, I've no idea. Was it supposed to be funny? It's not. Why is Ginger so incredibly hostile? The two main characters had consensual sex, and she is every bit to blame for the situation as he is. She informs him that she's pregnant, and rather than blow her off, he steps up to the plate and tries being nothing short of an excellent man and father. Yet this is met with nothing but hostility.

Oh yes, she tells her family that he raped her. Comedy gold! And of course, he forgoes the paternity test. Uh... WHY would he do this? Because someone he doesn't even know claims she was a virgin before they had a one-night stand? Sure. Very realistic.

Not funny, not entertaining, and constantly annoying. There is no reason to watch this movie.

Machete (2010)

Horrible, Just Horrible

[31 October 2010]

This movie is obviously not to be taken seriously. The whole thing plays out like a cartoon. The problem is that most cartoons have better plots and dialogue.

And so what are we left with, without a good plot or dialogue? Nothing. The effects are horrible. Another reviewer said that the blood looks real. Obviously that person has never seen much blood, because it doesn't. At all. None of the effects are anywhere near decent. And please, no need to mention that this is a stylistic choice. I know that. Just as painting my house in 14 different spray-painted colors would be a "stylistic choice". A horrific choice, but a choice nonetheless.

So here we have an extremely ugly guy who supposedly attracts gorgeous women; people who get stabbed through-and-through with swords, or shot repeatedly in the chest, who keep talking for a couple minutes afterward; the main character swinging from someone's intestines like it was a rope; a slightly (and only slightly) exaggerated bunch of anti-immigrant nuts; a main character who says perhaps four words throughout the entire movie; and an immigrations agent who suddenly decides she's switching to the other side.

Some moments in the film are funny, but that doesn't redeem the whole thing. But of course, unless you're farting butterflies and rating an 8 or higher, your review gets panned by people who can't stand anyone who thinks for themselves.

Sometimes nonsense is enjoyable. Here, it isn't.

Frozen (I) (2010)

Do yourself a favor and go stare at the moon instead

[15 September 2010]

Idiotic movie. Contrived beyond belief. Devoid of value.

So you're stuck in a ski lift. You're 30 or more feet in the air. It has been a couple hours. So, you jump, right? Oh sure, you just go for it and jump. Hey, what's a 30- or 40-foot freefall? "Guys, this is nuts. We've been stuck here for two hours! I'm jumping. I'm scared but I'm going for it. Bye!" (5 seconds later...) "AHHHH MY LEGS! Who knew this would happen?" The part with wolves, I swear, must have been put in for comedic effect.

Why would you be so careless with your gloves? Why, if you lost a glove, would you sit there with your hand exposed, in super-cold weather? And getting to the next ski lift? Why use just your hands, rather than your hands AND legs? Why would the cable be "sharp as a razor"? Why would the bolt holding the ski lift mysteriously start coming out? What's with these wolves, to be so aggressive? North American wolves are NOT known for acting this way. Oh that's right, never mind, this is a contrived Hollywood crapfest.

They clearly show the ski lift falling on her shin, and bouncing away. Yet in the next shot, just her toe is stuck in it. If that lift fell on your shin from any height, your shin would be shattered. But hey, we can't have the female get really hurt, now can we? I knew the whole time that the only survivor would be the girl. It's obvious, isn't it? Female life is worth infinitely more than male life to Hollywood. Two male deaths is better than one female death. Come on, anything times zero is zero.

This is rated 7/10? Are 70% of you people on crack or something?

The New Daughter (2009)

Horrific... And I don't mean scary

[4 September 2010]

I've never been able to understand the success of Kevin Costner. I know he has his fans, but just come on now. (Dances with Wolves was good despite Costner's acting, not because of it.)

In this movie, his "acting" is literally laughable. He has one facial expression--the same one you have when you're standing in line to get a coffee. Monsters attacking you and your family? No need to act terrified, just pretend you're eating a bagel. So a monster is standing right in front of you, and you're about to kill yourself and your daughter to save her from being some sort of "monster queen"? Just act as if you were examining screwdrivers at Lowe's. Your friend is dying of a slit throat, killed by your daughter? No need to act angry or upset. Why waste the energy? The same goes for when you're in bed, and you hear footsteps in the attic or on the roof above you. And also when you're in a car with someone, and they get pulled out of the car by a monster and killed right in front of you. No need to get panicky or anything--just keep a straight face.

Does Jessica Simpson have a successful career in theoretical physics? Does Stephen Hawking hold 100-meter track records? Then why does Costner have a career as an actor? Seriously, somebody please tell me!

None of this should be taken to mean that an actor--any actor--could salvage this abhorrent movie. This is the type of script that leaves you clueless as to what's going on for the first 90% of the film. This is done for a reason, and that reason is that if you knew how idiotic the plot was, you'd be unable to control your laughter.

The plot makes no sense, and the movie is filled with stupidity. Why is Costner not the least bit angry when he meets the guy who sold him a house that led to the death of his daughter, knowing it could happen again? Why does Costner keep his family in the house, no matter what happens? Why did I sit through this entire movie?

Damages (2007–2012)

Great, if you don't mind never really knowing what's going on

[29 March 2010]

The acting is great, and the writing is wonderful as well--IF you are the type to appreciate this type of writing. And that's the crux.

You never really know what's going on, even when you've been led to believe you do. Who killed this person? What was their motivation? Who's behind this? You might be led to one answer, and then find out you were wrong 7 episodes later. And when you find out you were wrong, you won't be given an answer, you'll simply be more confused than before.

In short, there's never any closure. Personally, I like a fair amount of closure. I like to know what's going on, or at least to eventually find out what happened, without ripping my hair out. And while I do find the series entertaining, to an extent, it's not really my glass of wine, so to speak.

Homecoming (I) (2009)

Waste of time

[21 January 2010]

This film is not really even worth a review, so I'll make it quick. The movie starts as a total snoozefest. A slow start, boring script, boring dialogue.

We're supposed to believe that Long's and Barton's characters were an item in the recent past. This despite the fact that Long appears to be around 19 years old, while Barton looks to be 6-8 years his senior (which, in real life, she is). Yet we are shown a photo with them frolicking around in high school clothes, with Barton a cheerleader. Wow.

Then the clichés start in earnest. Stroup's character is being held hostage, and makes multiple feeble and idiotic non-attempts at escape. No, don't use the front window to ensure that the psycho who is holding you prisoner is actually gone before you try getting away or using the phone to call for help; just wait for her to go downstairs, and hope for the best. There is even the obligatory scene with an outsider who could help... He's right outside, help at last! Yet all Stroup can manage is to feebly tap on the window. No, don't smash it with that big metal rod in your hand and then scream; just stand there like an idiot.

That's as far as I made it with this joke of a movie. I can't believe Freeman put his name on this garbage.

Hush (V) (2008)

Cliché-ridden trash

[18 September 2009]

The only reason I give this movie a 4 is that it's not out-and-out boring. That's about all the good I can say about it.

I found it difficult to understand the actors at times, with that awful accent. Good thing I had subtitles.

The film is full of clichés. Miles of them. The antagonist is a big, silent, well-muscled and scary guy. He likes wearing hoods--all the time. Talking, not so much. And he walks verrrrrrrrry slowly, even when following someone. Go figure. Cars will be disabled at the worst possible time. The protagonist makes one annoying and stupid decision after another.

The plot is a joke. There are more loopholes and loose ends than I care to recollect. What was the involvement of the security guard? Why was that one girl helping the psycho? Why are the girls being abducted in the first place? What's going on here? At the end, we never find out. There's no sense of closure or completion, no rhyme or reason. Just a dead hood-wearing scary guy.

And that's why this movie sucks.

The Crypt (2009)

Not just "bottom of the barrel"; it's underneath the barrel

[14 August 2009]

It doesn't get much worse than this turd. The acting is worse than something I'd expect to see in an elementary school play. The script is about as deep, engaging, and sensible as the lyrics to a typical R.E.M. song.

I'm not kidding when I say that this film is better suited as a comedy than as a thriller or horror flick. You'll laugh when someone in the cast witnesses a gnarled ghost/zombie, and acts as if it's nothing more than a chihuahua. Or how they respond to seeing someone killed right before their eyes as if the person had received nothing more than a papercut. It may be the most astonishingly-bad acting and directing I've ever seen.

This movie really is not worth even what I've written so far.

Marley & Me (2008)

Where's that emergency exit when you need it?

[28 December 2008]

Please allow me to summarize this movie:

We have a bad dog. See the bad dog eating a pillow? We just had a kid. We can't be bothered to train that bad dog, and for some reason, we put up with it. Here's a boring tidbit about life as a reporter/columnist. Here's a shallow moment of male binding that goes nowhere. Whoa, there goes another pillow! And another kid. And another boring tidbit. And another shallow moment. Wow, that's a really bad dog, isn't it? No one can stand that dog! Naughty, naughty!

Rinse, repeat.

I struggle to think of a more vapid, meaningless film.

This movie would need three promotions to simply "suck".

Elegy (I) (2008)

Horrible, boring, pointless

[22 November 2008]

There are some things I will never understand. Quantum mechanics is one of them. Rubberneck delays is another. But today, I found something that tops them all: I sat through this entire movie. I'll never understand how that was possible.

The plot, sssslow and pointless. The acting, dull and lifeless.

The reviewer who pointed out that Kingsley was miscast is exactly correct. The relationship seemed fake and ridiculous throughout the entire movie.

The end of the movie was as pointless as the rest.

Unless you want to test your endurance, avoid this mess.

The New World (2005)

Drink at least four cups of coffee before watching this snoozer

[18 July 2008]

Many other "I hate it" reviewers have already hit the nail on the head: This movie has beautiful scenery, lots of birds, insect sounds, meaningless and annoying narration, and so on.

But I have to disagree on a one point. One reviewer praised it for being historically accurate. It is not. There is no real historical evidence that Pocahontas (her real name was "Matoaka") and John Smith were anything more than friends. Oopsie! The entire basis for the movie is garbage.

I could go on, but this movie has already eaten more than two hours of my life, and I need to put a stop to it.