perni Reviews

Dot and Keeto (1986)

Before Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, there was Dot & Keeto...

[20 May 2004]

I learned a very valuable lesson today, and that is most movies from our childhood should stay in our childhood, never to be seen or heard from again no matter how strong the temptation may become! I learned this lesson the hard way by sitting down with my best friend and allow her to subject me to the horror that is Dot & Keeto.

This title is actually part of a four movie collection which includes Dot and the Koala, Dot and the Whale, and Dot and the Smugglers. But one is more than enough for my indigestion, as today's feature is just so wretched and stupid that it made me wanna run screaming from my friend's house and into the busy streets.

Dot is an Australian girl whose brother constantly terrorizes the local insect life, including a group of ants. While Dot tries to convince her wicked sibling that hurting bugs is not right, the devious little brat pays her no heed. This opening sequence was shot in live action, by the way, and it's painfully obvious that every line of dialog was dubbed in during post-production.

Then, out of nowhere, Dot starts babbling about how her friend the kangaroo told her about two magical roots. One will make you very small and the other will allow you to talk to the animals. Okay, why would Dot have to eat the root which would let her talk to animals if she heard about the roots from a KANGAROO? Hello?! Anyone? Anyway, she eats the root which makes you small and for some reason becomes a badly animated cartoon version of herself.

The rest of the movie, which drags on forever even at 75 minutes, quite literally has Dot walking around aimlessly while talking to various cartoon bugs and watching live action stock footage of those bugs. I don't think I have to point out that the mix of live action and animation is hardly seamless, when in fact it's atrocious. The worst part, however, is that there's hardly any story here! Dot meets some good bugs, gets kidnapped by ants, sings countless bad songs, then is given the magical root by her kangaroo friend so she can become her normal size again.

I can understand why my friend would have liked this movie as a young kid, since we all had movies we saw repeatedly despite the fact that they were awful, but that doesn't mean I didn't kick and scream through this movie. Avoid it at all costs, which shouldn't be hard seeing as how it's not available anywhere outside of our local video store. 0/4 stars!

The Punisher (2004)

Reminded me of a hardcore episode of Becker...

[28 April 2004]

Of all the movies that have been based on Marvel characters these past couple of years, The Punisher is easily the worst. Sure, The Hulk was bad, too, but at least it wasn't as boring as this forgettable piece of junk. It seemed like the movie took forever and a day to actually set up the character of The Punisher, and when we finally get to hear Frank Castle refer to himself as the title character it doesn't matter because the movie is over anyway. Oh, well! Where's the exit?

The reason I said this movie reminded me of a hardcore episode of the now defunct sitcom Becker is because it actually plays out as such in a lot of scenes. Just replace Ted Danson with Frank Castle and you have the exact same gruff, antisocial fellah trying to get along with all of his wacky neighbors who want to cheer him up. Ugh, and these neighbors are so over-the-top and silly it's lamentable. Bumpo (yes, they call him Bumpo and don't ask me why because I'm not a witty Hollywood executive) is the fat guy who likes to eat a lot, while Danny's only obvious personality trait is his multiple peircings.

I hated how a lot of this movie was played for laughs, not just with the neighbors themselves but a certain fight scene between Frank and a Russian who's simply referred to as The Russian (give me a break). This guy wears a red and white striped shirt which makes him look like Bluto from the Popeye cartoon, and during the whole fight opera music is being played in Bumpo's apartment. * See, the movie is making the comparison of sophisticated opera music to the gritty, unsophisticated nature of the fight, thus causing us to laugh.

* I'm being smarmy.

And while I rarely point how a movie's score, The Punisher has such a terrible one that I simply must say something. Almost none of the music works, including the idiotic high noon theme played whenever Frank is doing something violent or is facing a new opponent. Also, who the heck approved the generic Evil Music which plays during most of John Travolta's scenes? You know the kind: Dah dah dun DAHHH! It's very dramatic and cheesy, like something you'd hear at the cliffhanger of every old Batman episode.

Speaking of Travolta, he proves once again here that he has no business playing a villain of any sort. While he's not nearly as campy as his alien role in Battlefield Earth, he certainly comes close, gnashing his teeth together and bulging his eyes out at every turn. "Remember, I've got more guns than you!" he says with utter seriousness, as if that line could ever be pulled off well. John, take my humble advice and stick to making a few dozen more Look Who's Talking movies.

And as if that weren't enough to make me blow raspberries at this movie, The Punisher has one of the worst endings of any movie I've seen, in that it's so anticlimactic no one would could feel satisfied. Frank is supposed to be up against this giant mob force which can supposedly take down anything and anyone, but all he has to do is slip past an unarmed gate and he pretty much takes down the entire syndicate. And how does Travolta get axed? Not in a cool villain way, no, but whining and wailing like a girl. Yeah, great ending movie! Now can I have my eight bucks back?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't The Punisher supposed to be this insane force of hatred who uses any means necessary to take down those who do wrong? Then why the heck does he spend his time placing fake fire hydrants next to the car of John Travolta's wife in the movie so she'll get parking tickets?! Should we call him The Prankster now??? I can't go on anymore. Just forget this movie ever existed and move on with your lives! 1/4 stars

Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night (1987)

Still holds up even by my present jaded standards...

[28 April 2004]

I think that when all of us were kids we had one or two movies that we loved so much that we sat down and watched them dozens of times. For me one of those movies was Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night, which is definitely a lesser known animated feature but all the same still holds up today. After ordering a copy from Amazon.com and watching it again all these years later, I was pleasantly surprised that Emperor entertained me even at my usually cynical age.

Sure, you could nitpick that the animation is inconsistent, with some scenes appearing less detailed while others are excessively so, and that certain backgrounds are obviously repeated during chase scenes ala The Flintstones (it's even more pronounced here due to the visible line in the visuals), but frankly those didn't hamper my enjoyment of the film. The animation is usually quite vibrant and expressive, and the story takes the usual Pinocchio antics in a different direction by providing an actual villain in the uber-creepy Emperor (voiced by that staple of movie villains, James Earl Jones). In fact, much of the movie is downright dark, from the opening sequence where a demented carnival seems to set itself up to Pinocchio's transformation back into a puppet. I'm not saying any of this will scare kids today, as they've probably seen much worse, but it does give a good balance to the otherwise cheerful imagery.

I can't get through this review without mentioning the handful of songs which are peppered throughout Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night. I can't get enough of "Love Is The Light Inside Your Heart," which is just a beautiful little pop ballad that I can't get out of my head because it's so memorable. True, the Fairy Godmother may sound like she's doped up during her speaking lines, but the song is great. "Neon Cabaret" is more of a background song than "Love," but it still has a nice little jazz beat that goes well with its scene, a night club where children basically throw back green alcohol (come on ya know it was alcohol) and go nuts. Finally there's "Your A Star," which while not a phenomenal song once again fits with the visuals of the sequence. Like I said before, much of the visuals of the movie are extremely well done and give the movie a vintage '80s feel I couldn't help but like.

Now this is coming from a guy who's reviewed countless animated movie, but I think it's safe to say that young kids could still get a kick out of this movie. It's got everything the modern animated flicks have, but without the crass marketing. And the sidekicks aren't half as tiresome or irritating, with the only ones being a glow worm voiced by Don Knotts and a bee named Grumblebee. Some sections of the film may seem like filler, like the scene involving a toad and a city of insects which lasts a bit too long, but other than that I give Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night an enthusiastic recommendation. 3/4 stars

Double Blast (1994 Video)

Right up there with Skullduggery (YEAH!)

[26 February 2004]

Double Blast and Skullduggery are two of the worst movies ever made, and they make an insanely entertaining double feature. Double Blast is definitely the more watchable of the pair, though, since it actually has some semblance of a story, no matter how lame it gets at times. I have to admit, I bought this for its low price ($3.99, which may be too much, now that I think back), and by the cover. How the heck do you just pass up a movie with a kickboxing family guarding treasure as its cover? You can't, honey baby, and that's the skinny, ya hear? And to my utter amazement and joy, two of my favorite actors are in this movie! It's bizarre how I tend to buy films that I have connections to without knowing it, but if anyone is a dedicated MST3k viewer like me, they will instantly recognize Joe Estevez and Robert Z'Dar. Robert has to be seen to be believed. The man's face looks like a potato, and believe me when I say that such a statement is NOT an exaggeration. His face is so hilariously puffed up that it sent me into hysterics. And of course Joe is a member of the prestigious Estevez dynasty of acting, which also includes Emilio, AKA Mighty Ducks 3. Both of these men were together in another film, Soultaker, and to think that they would be paired up again is just too good to be true...but it is! There is no way that I would ever sell my beloved Double Blast. It's home is with me from here on out, and I will forever threaten my friends with its awesome craptitude. Oh, and be sure to watch out for the biggest continuity error in film history during one of the outdoor scenes. Believe me, it's so obvious that no person could possibly miss it. 4/4 stars!

Skullduggery (1983)

The crown jewel in my collection!

[26 February 2004]

Oh, Skullduggery, you horrible little cow patty of a film. Your actors are stiff and couldn't read the dialogue for an Ovaltine commercial with a sense of conviction, your plot is incomprehensible and filled to the brim with pompous symbolism no one buts its filmmakers could explain, and in the end, you just plain stink. But gosh darn it if I don't feel proud to have you in my collection of films. You are, without a doubt, the crown jewel in my cornucopia of crap. I threaten my friends with you and they cringe in fear. What power! And honestly, even though you still provide tons of laughs and potential riffing, one aspect of you keeps me coming back for more: your theme song! Oh, how brilliant is your theme song? I burned it onto a CD, for crying out loud! Does that not express my loyalty to you? I have no idea who was crazy enough to write the lyrics and put it to one of the worst tunes to come out of the '80s, but if I ever meet them, I will be sure to shake their hand (or tentacle) and say, "Thank you. Thank you."

Can you read what's in my mind? SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! Tearing up my mind! Heavy breath, passion in your eyes SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! I just found a clue, it's all gone! YEAH! I can see what's in your head SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! Feeling just ahead (??) Killer's smile, now I understand SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! Shattered hopes and dreams all fall down! YEAH!

Oh, good times, good times. 4/4 stars for sheer crapdom

Canadian Bacon (1995)

Just as good as his documentaries and books...

[10 January 2004]

While I had heard of Canadian Bacon before purchasing it, I was not aware that one of my favorite authors and filmmakers, Michael Moore, had been at the helm as the director. Luckily I found it to be just as well-written, severely biting, and hilarious as his past works. While reading some of the older reviews for Canadian Bacon on this site, however, I noticed many had differing beliefs. One poster, for example, attacked Moore's film for criticizing the American military. I love this kind of person, the type who blindly waves a U.S. flag while never once thinking that someone in the White House may actually be thinking more about their own interests than theirs. "How dare Moore make fun of our beloved military! Where would he be without them, I ask you? If he was living in another country, he wouldn't be able to say those things!" Hey, great point, moron! Then there are those who think Moore is from Canada, which is hilarious. Statements like those just show how little the person knows about Moore and his body of work. Anyway, back to the film itself, which is still very timely in today's society. The opening sequence is a very funny parody of what's been happening in Moore's hometown of Flint, Michigan for many years: a huge company known as Hacker has recently closed down a plant which terminates thousands of jobs in the local community. The plant was responsible for producing weapons of destruction during the cold war, but now that the Russians have surrendered, there is no longer an enemy to fight. This troubles both the founder of Hacker and the latest White House administration, since without a foe their profits and popularity points go down. So what do they do? They try and convince the Russians to get back in the game, but they quickly realize this will never happen, as their former enemies now only want MTV and other luxuries for their people. One moment which really rang eerie in Canadian Bacon came when one of the President's men suggests going up against international terrorists, only to be denied by another staff member who claims, "...all they do is go around blowing up rental cars!" Creepy, no? A similar scene involves a joke about letting loose killer bees, which ended up being used as a phony scare years later by the media. Remember that? It's odd how prophetic Moore can be sometimes. The rest of the film, as you all know, involves a cold war with Canada. The anti-Canadian propaganda stuff in this movie is pitch perfect, from the maple syrup running down the TV screen like blood to the list of Canadian celebrities now living in the U.S. At this point I'd like to address those who claim this movie makes America/Canada look bad. Hey, it's called satire people, and all satire has to come from somewhere, right? America DOES have gun toting rednecks and conniving politicians and corporate members, and Canada IS known for being a much nicer (and cleaner!) country than ours. Get over it, already! Moore's only telling it like it is, whether you want to cover your ears and sing, "The Star Spangled Banner" while he does it or not. So as I said before, Canadian Bacon is a very funny film which targets certain elements of our country and manages to make a dead on shot. Congrats on another winner, Mike! 4/4

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Good, but does it deserve the insane amount of hype?

[31 December 2003]

Before I begin I would like to ask what the heck "tedg" was talking about in his posting for this film. He/She spent their entire review talking about camera positions and then had the odd idea of putting the phrase "Spoilers herein" at the start of the message. What exactly did you ruin, tedg, the camera angles? And why did you compare this film to 12 Monkeys and Panic Room? How are those movies similar in any way in which you could compare and contrast them? And how exactly does one "steal" another person's camera trick? That's like someone doing a donut in their car and then being accused of stealing the maneuver from the original creator, Daryll Dwebster Donut. News flash: you can't get a patent on a camera trick. Maybe a camera, yes, but not a trick! If you feel like explaining yourself, e-mail me . Title the e-mail, "tedg's reasoning on his/her PotC:CotBP review."

Sorry, just felt like rambling there for a second. Now, on to the review! While I enjoy this film quite a lot, I have to question why everyone went stark raving mad over its arrival. Sure, I have no problem saying that Pirates is a very entertaining swashbuckler, but does it really need to be on a critic's Top 10 list this year? The film may be of good quality, but there are other, better movies out there which may need the acclaim. I'm not saying my opinion is definite, mind you, but just putting it out there for debate reasons.

Johnny Depp's performance is excellent, I'll give him that, what with his flamboyant interpretation of the character giving the film a big spark, but everyone on the planet has discussed him to the point where anything I say will be moot. So as for the rest of the film, I give it a definite thumbs up. The plot is well developed, the characters are appealing and believable, and I liked the gradual progression to the film's big climactic ending. However, I felt at times like it was almost too long. The recent Lord of the Rings flew by pretty quickly for me, but for some reason this film seemed to drag at certain points, as in where Jack Sparrow and the female main character get stuck on an island together. This isn't a major complaint, however, and I guess it shows how Disney was allowing the film room to grow.

All in all I think it's a very refreshing change for Disney to release a film like this. With a PG-13 rating which comes with boatloads of action and mild-violence, Pirates gives the usually squeaky clean image of Disney a nice dark side. Hopefully the sequel won't disappoint, and Disney won't force the filmmakers to dilute the action so that more kids will come to watch. I would hate to watch a dumbed down pirate movie with a PG rating, as it would just feel wrong.

Cutthroat Island this ain't; a great pirate film which champions the genre back to respectability after many major flops. 3/4 stars

Extra Terrestrial Visitors (1983)

Well, whaddya think? -- It stinks!

[31 December 2003]

I think I'll have to watch the MST3k episode of Pod People a few more times before I can officially decide on its worth. While definitely not as unwatchable as other subjects like Red Zone Cuba (a film which can only be sat through by the most sturdy of individuals), it didn't seem like Joel and his robot friends were up to snuff with the commentary. Then again, I was doing other things when I first played the tape, so I'll repeat how this needs to be seen again in order to make a firm decision. Pod People definitely has its moments, though; I loved the ridiculously stupid song the pop group sang, along with the lead singer's reaction to what they sound like (see my One line Summary). The other classic scene has to be Trumpy's "magical" manipulation of the objects in the annoying little child's room, set to wacky music while the alien's eyes glow like demonic diamonds. And what was up with the cast of about 100 characters? There were so many different plots, most of which never even came close to merging, I literally had no idea where the film was going. Thankfully Joel and the 'bots point out this big flaw, along with the many scenes of characters shouting out one another's names.

Character: Shane? Shane??? Shane! Joel/Bots: Fox? John Boy? McCloud!

Other points in the film really dragged, however, including the many scenes where the characters just sat around talking about doing stuff but never actually getting off their foreign butts and doing something. Aside from that I'm not really sure if Pod People is either a great episode or simply an average entry. Only time will tell I suppose!

Reefer Madness (1936)

The madness...the madness!

[31 December 2003]

Believe it or not, but I just bought this a couple of days ago on DVD for a little over six bucks! And trust me, Reefer Madness is worth the money, since it is one of the funnier propaganda films to come out of the 1930s. While the DVD doesn't contain a lot of extras, you do get a short biography on the star of the film, along with a look at the original poster for Reefer Madness and trivia questions! If you want to check this movie out some time, I would advise waiting until the Special Edition comes out in April. Why? Because MST3k host Mike Nelson will provide audio commentary for the film! I'll definitely have to get the new DVD if Nelson himself is involved. And really, this film is rife for commentary. Right from the start we got a pre-Star Wars crawl which basically states while the film's characters and plot are entirely fictional, they are based on a true story which could happen to you...or you...or YOU! It is here where I laughed the hardest, as later on things get pretty grim in a Days of Our Lives sort of way. I especially liked how the word "marijuana" was spelled "marihuana" in the film. I have no idea when or why the spelling of this word changed, but it was still amusing. Also, the DVD's scene index lists one of the scenes as "principle's office." They couldn't even spell the word "principal" right! I mean, you can't actually go to the office of a principle, can you? Darn right ya can't! Anyway, back to the movie. As I said, it's a very enthusiastic propaganda film which lies back and forth about the effects of "marihuana" so as to scare parents into discussing the drug with their children (hence the original title, Tell Your Children...think of them, please!!!). What are some of the effects of the deadly, demonic, and just plain EVIL marihuana? Well, first you laugh (gasp!), then hallucinate (double gasp!), and then you begin committing acts of random violence (triple gasp!). The teens are all portrayed by men and women with receding hairlines and wrinkles, making me quite confused. I literally sat there wondering, "Why would adults be hanging out with these younger kids? Oh...they're all supposed to be kids? Um, okay, sure. What the heck." The principal (principle?) in the movie is equally funny, as during the murder trial of a kid who smoked dope and supposedly shot his girlfriend he lists many instances when he thought the kid was high. His testimony: Bill started laughing during a very serious discussion on Shakespeare (blasphemy!), and also missed the ball by a good 3-4 feet during a tennis match (good holy gravy!). How would this kind of testimony hold up in court? Maybe the kid just remembered a good joke during class and isn't any good at tennis? Did anyone think of that, huh? Huh? As for the murder itself, it's also completely moronic and unbelievable. First off, the gun is aimed at the floor but somehow manages to shoot the girl in the back. Then when we see the wound it's about the size of a mosquito bite with no blood whatsoever. Ah, the wonders of 1930s Hollywood makeup! Much more awaits the viewer of Reefer Madness, including a crazed piano player who's "hot" on the "dope" and about to "crack" (these kids with their drug lingo!) and an odd scene where the main character's little brother pines about his model airplane for what seems like an eternity. Seeing as how this story is supposedly being related to us by the principal, why would he have bothered to include the aforementioned scene? And how did he know about it in the first place? Did he interrogate the little brother? Hoo boy, so many questions about continuity. Oh well, I guess I'll leave them to be answered by you good folks. Enjoy! 1/4 stars

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985)

Gee, do ya think this was possibly a foreign film?

[21 December 2003]

According to the page for this swords-and-sorcery disaster, Warriors of the Lost Kingdom was originally made in Argentina. That comes as no real surprise to me, since half of the dialogue doesn't even try to match up with the actors' lip movements. So what else can be said about a movie that everyone else in the world has already mentioned? Well, I guess I'll start off by explaining how I came about this movie. In all fairness, I would have never recognized the title if it had not been for the hilarious review on the Jabootu bad movie Web site. So while scowering the Family section of my local Star Trax video (a B-movie fan's paradise, as I quickly found out), I immediately knew the movie by its title and pictures on the back. Of course, the video cover tries in vain to make this look much more interesting than it actually is, so I weep for the poor kids who rented this wanting a good time. Sorry boys and girls, but this is one stinky Argentinian film that no one could enjoy outside of the camp value. And believe me, this thing has tons of camp. As my friend and I threw comments at the screen, there were numerous moments where our jaws just dropped. That sequed into out and out laughter, as certain elements are simply ridiculous. For example, the "big name actor" here is BO SVENSON. Who, you may ask? Who indeed! He's the only one whose voice isn't dubbed, and he has a thick country accent in a medeival time setting! Of course, nobody else here knows what period of history they're in, either. The villain looks like a pharoah, his minions are Skittle-colored midgets, ninjas, and Arabian nights, and his woman is half mermaid/swamp thing! I'm not going to go into anymore specifics, because this is honestly something you have to experience fresh. So if you're like me and happen to stumble upon this turd, be sure to pick it up if you're in the mood for some insanely bad fun. Truth be told, if Mike and the bots were still around, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom would be a great subject for them to study. 0/4 stars

Videodrome (1983)

A very odd little film; definitely not what I expected

[14 December 2003]

While peering at the various videos at my local F.Y.E. store, I came upon a section only a guy like me could love. It was here that a small handful of videos had been marked down to an astonishing $1.99! Knowing that I couldn't pass up such an opportunity, I immediately picked out three movies from the shelf: Car 54, Where Are You (perfectly dreadful, and not even worth the aforementioned $1.99), The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (haven't sat down to watch that one yet), and today's feature, Videodrome. I was surprised to learn that James Woods was in this movie, and figured, since it was in the cheap-o section, it would be a corny horror or sci-fi production. I watched about half and then had to stop it for some reason or another, only to come back many days later to finish what I had started. So what was my deduction? Well, Videodrome is one odd duck of a film, ladies and gentlemen. It's not some obvious, spell-it-out-for-the-audience spook fest where everything is explained and the audience can turn it off with a clear idea of what the heck just happened. Honestly, and this is after finishing it not half an hour ago, I'm not really sure what was going on. And while I resent the poster who said the "stupid people" should "avoid this art flick," I can safely say many will not get Videodrome either. The story, which follows James Woods as he is haunted by a television show which features torture and murder, has many twists and turns that go by so quickly you can't put 2 and 2 together. VHS tapes "breathe," TV screens expand like balloons, and for some reason Woods' stomach splits open so people can put tapes inside his body. Uh...okay. I couldn't help but think some parts of the movie were a little slow or dull, but the effects were very creative. Sure, present audiences will point out the more obvious stuff like fake hands and such, but the makeup is nicely gory and does the job well. After sifting through the main IMDb site for Videodrome I found that the director also made Existenz, another reality-bending movie which starred William Dafoe and other big name stars who, at the time, weren't so big. Comparing the two I can say the director has a very distinct style, pairing oddball plotlines with very unique visuals. I may have to watch this a couple of more times to actually "get" the point of it all, but Videodrome will be recommended today for those who like something a little different. A tentative 3/4 stars.

Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)

It's like Satan took a dump in my brain!

[2 December 2003]

My mission as of late has been to watch every single film on the list of 100 worst movies ever made. Right now I have scratched off around 20, with this steaming pile of rotting filth being one of them. Make no mistake, Car 54 is one of the single worst movies to come out of Hollywood, or as I like to call it, Evil Town (creative name, no?). I violently protest any of the other posters who claimed that some parts of this movie were either "average" or (shudder) "funnny." Nothing in this movie works, from start to finish, and to save the sanity of others I will try and express who bad things get. The opening scene features a truly horrible song and dance number which is badly filmed with a soft glow technique and features a cartoon canary that at one point dresses up like a rapper (oh yeah, no racial stereotypes here, no sir). Then we discover that this was the dream of our main character, a goofy cop played by the single most irritating man on the planet. Seriously, his voice and silly putty face made me want to shoot someone when he started talking. We then get the opening credits as a crappy rap song is played, one where a single verse is repeated 3 TIMES. God, was that excruciating, considering that during this song I got supposedly "wacky" footage of the cops acting silly. The rest of the movie is populated with characters NO ONE could love, a barely existing plot that has no chance of being stretched over 90 minutes, and who knows what else. Honestly I couldn't stomach much of this trash, since most of the humor is either obvious or downright nasty. Obvious example: the policemen keep going to donut stores when they're supposed to be working. OH, HAR HAR HAR. Is that supposed to be funny in 1994, much less 2003? Plus the fact that the entire thing is horribly outdated by its fashion, soundtrack, and slang. This was back when rappers wearing giant clock necklaces was considered "hip," so you can imagine the amount of bad fashion choices spattered throughout this film. Rosie O' Donnel makes her film debut here, and she crashes and burns I'm happy to say. Nasty example: the main character actually has sex with Rosie O' Donnel while screaming, "Oooh! OOOOH! OOOOOOOH!" You can't know it by reading that, but he says it in a "comical" way. Trust me, it's just plain nauseating. AVOID CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU IF YOU VALUE THE PURITY OF YOUR SOUL. 0/4 stars

Perfect (1985)

John Travolta had not yet hit the barrel's bottom with this flick...

[26 November 2003]

Battlefield Earth was, to put it mildly, catastrophic in terms of John Travolta's career. So in comparison, Perfect ain't so bad, but there are enough complaints coming from me to make it less than an average rental. Here Travolta plays a reporter for Rolling Stone Magazine who is currently working on two stories: one is a serious piece about a computer salesman accused of drug smuggling, while the other is meant to be a lighthearted puff tale of men and women getting together at health clubs. While working on the health club piece, Travolta (whose character's name is Adam), meets an icy Jamie Lee Curtis who refuses to give an interview based on a previous bad experience with a reporter. Will Travolta be able to break through her frosty demeanor? Could it be possible that these two attractive leads might fall in love? Aw, but I don't wanna ruin it for you good folks. That would just be wrong! In any event, while this may seem like a simple plot line, the fact is that there are so many other elements in Perfect that eventually it becomes too confusing for its own good. The movie never focuses long enough on one angle, instead cutting to multiple stories so that we never get enough development on any of them. For instance, there are a bunch of characters who frequent the health club that are meant to be major players in the film, but actually get very little screen time. So when the idea of having them seem important came up, I just couldn't buy it because there wasn't anything to back it up with. If you were worried that Perfect may not show off all of the horrible fashion trends of the 1980s, don't get too stressed. Every bad fashion choice is here, from the leotard that comes with an extremely thin belt (a BELT, ladies?!) to grotesquely short gym shorts on the guys, this movie is an orgy of neon and spandex. Blech, blech, blech! How does Curtis not get a yeast infection from that leotard she's wearing??? Seriously, it looks like it's going to go inside her at any moment, and that is just not cool. There were definitely moments of pure cheesiness and frustration in the film: Some songs are played in full, so for 3 1/2 minutes we are forced to watch Curtis and Travolta "sweatin' to the oldies," thus allowing footage of our leading man's nasty package being thrust at the audience to be shown again, and again, and again. In a word: Eew. Considering that the movie is two hours in length, I was surprised at how it seemed to drag on forever. Literally, I thought it was almost over when in fact my VCR had clocked in a little under 45 minutes. Groan! Other silly spots: Curtis fleeing from Travolta as an 80s version of that old cowboy chase music plays in the background, and Travolta showing up at his office with a baseball bat, ready to kick some butt. Oddly enough, he doesn't get arrested for trashing his boss' office, but he does wind up in jail over his story about the supposed drug smuggler. Speaking of which, I couldn't care less about that part of the movie. With about 40 other characters and subplots to think about, this was the least interesting by far. When it came time for the court to declare its verdict on the drug smuggler, let's just say I wasn't on pins and needles. If anything I was checking the clock again! But compared to other Travolta disasters like Look Who's Talking Now and Moment by Moment (good luck catching that second on video, but I hear it's truly one of cinema's worst), Perfect, again, ain't that bad. 2/4 stars

The Cat in the Hat (2003)

I think that everyone is just overreacting...

[23 November 2003]

I have to wonder why so many people are crying foul over the Mike Myers film, The Cat in the Hat. Is it really as horrifyingly bad as you claim it to be, or are you just mad that the filmmakers didn't create the perfect adaptation of your beloved storybook? I've read in a lot of reviews that much of the plot in the film wasn't in the original book. Well of course! How in the world did you expect Universal Studios to make a 90 minute movie out of a book with less than 20 pages? Let's just give them the benefit of the doubt and a break, okay? I liked the movie, despite its possibility of being forgetable in a few months, and I think that those who are saying it's the worst to come out of Hollywood in decades needs to take a chill pill. There are dozens of family films out there that are far worse than The Cat in the Hat: See Spot Run, anyone? Or how about any of the Pokemon movies? See, when you start comparing, this doesn't look so terrible now, does it? Granted, it's not perfect by any means. I thought the buildings screamed "Film set," and tried a bit too hard to bring the story to life. People, there's a reason Dr. Seuss' illustrations look good on paper. Because in real life, they're grotesque and odd. Sorry, but the production aspect came off as fake, in my opinion. Also, the character Alec Baldwin portrayed was pretty much useless. I'm guessing the film needed a villain, but kids won't have any idea what he's doing here. Do you really think that kids under 13 or 14 are going to understand his plan of putting the kids in military school? Generally I find myself on the fence about most of the humor: While I thoroughly enjoyed Myer's jokes and one-liners, there is almost nothing here in the way of comedy that a younger kid would appreciate. Sure, the cat gets wacked in his twig and berries, but other than that I'm afraid kids will be bored. As for me, I dug Myers all the way. It's like they just put a camera in front of the comedian and said, "Do your thing." Favorite lines: When he talks about murder and plays a dramatic chord on a Seussian keyboard, plucks his whiskers in order to add some suspensful music, and when we discover that he's been the narrator for the film the entire time. The fish was annoying, since he didn't get any good lines, and while the two main kids were okay they were nothing to write home about. And why oh why is TV's "Beans" in this movie? I can't stand that creepy little turd. He looks like a squirrel who's jammed one too many acorns into his puffy little mouth. Ugh, someone kick him out of show business! So all in all, while The Cat in the Hat may not be what everyone was hoping for, it satisfied my tastes. Not a classic, mind you, but certainly not the biggest bomb of the year as some have declared it to be. 2.5/4 stars; P.S. I think the film adaptation of Green Eggs and Ham should star David Spade as Sam and D.L. Hughley as the grumpy fellow who refuses to eat the title dish. And a special cameo could be made by Robin Williams as the Fox in Socks! Eew, that sounds horrible. Never mind.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

I can understand why so many truly hate this movie

[23 November 2003]

Okay, so it's the early 80s, and you hear that the new Halloween movie is coming out soon. You were a big fan of the last two flicks, so you get a bunch of friends together and head for the theater, expecting another round of Michael Myers versus dumb teenagers action. But then the movie starts, and the famous theme music isn't playing. Michael is no where to be seen, and neither is Laurie Strode, the main heroine played by Jamie Lee Curtis. Wouldn't you be ticked off? See, that's why I understand how some people really hate Halloween III: Season of the Witch. It has nothing to do with any of the other entries to the series, and is a pretty dumb B-movie. It's so poor in quality that another Halloween film wasn't made until 6 years later, the subtitle of which was The Return of Michael Myers. I guess the studio in charge wised up and went back to the formula. So what is this black sheep entry about? Well, it involves this company called Silver Shamrock, the head of which wants to kill millions of young trick-or-treaters with his popular line of seasonal masks. For some reason, at a certain time on Halloween night, all of the masks that he has sold will murder these kids and make bugs come out of their heads. Why? I don't know, it's never really explained. One kid who gets killed during a test has snakes and other rodents crawl out of his skull. Doesn't make a lick of sense, but I guess the filmmakers thought it would be a good gross-out moment. The main plot has to do with a doctor and the daughter of a man who was killed by the Shamrock company's men. They try and figure out what's going on behind closed doors and if they can stop the madman in charge of it all. We learn that the workers at Silver Shamrock are actually robots (???), and that the mass murder of children has to do with a sacrifice to the Druid gods. What??? I really don't understand the story here, since the whole sacrifice to the Druid thing is barely even discussed. The bad buy steals the Stonehenge rocks, brings them back to his headquarters, and plans to do...what exactly? I don't know, it's all very confusing and stupid. Two things really got to me during this movie: First, the romance between the doctor and the woman felt extremely tacked on and pointless. The two barely know each other, and yet suddenly they're full on making love? Right. Plus the fact that they're romance is disgusting, since he's this greasy tub who can't be younger than 45 and she's this bony little girl who looks like she could still be in high school. In a word: EEW. Secondly, I couldn't stand that commercial for Silver Shamrock. "8 more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween! 8 more days 'til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!" Now imagine having to hear that about two dozen more times and you'll know where I'm coming from here. Oh, and the whole format of having a card saying, "October 24, 25, etc." wasn't used to its full potential. They introduce the idea, then pretty much chuck it out the window. And it doesn't work right when whole days are shown in the span of literally one or two minutes. The suspense kind of goes downhill, ya know? I'm glad I saw this, though, because now I can mark off one more name on my list of top 100 worst movies. 1/4 stars

Action Jackson (1988)

Would anyone like a bowl of macaroni and CHEESE?

[16 November 2003]

Did you get my joke? No? Well then let me explain it to you cretins out there who have never indulged in bad cinema. Mike Nelson, the genius who wrote for and hosted the insanely brilliant series Mystery Science Theatre 3000, published a book all about wonderfully cheesy movies that he liked to watch. Action Jackson was just one of those movies, and I am glad to say that while it is most certainly dumb and as predictable as a parking meter, it's just goofy enough to be fun. A lot of people think that when a critic calls a film cheesy, they mean it's bad. Not necessarily, my naive friends. Everyone likes to eat cheese every now and then, right? Heck, one of my all-time favorite foods is macaroni and cheese! Sure, we all like to pretend that we have refined tastes, munching on caviar and other such sophisticated vittles, but every now and then we just have to let our hair down and have a nice slice of good American cheese. And trust me folks, Action Jackson, is just dripping with the stuff. Just look at the plot: A former lieutenant known for his hot temper and loose cannon tactics is reduced to a desk job (check). He has a bookish superior who likes to play by the rules and refuses to let our hero see some "action" until he shapes up (check). Then suddenly a new case opens up - it seems that the same man who cost Action Jackson's lieutenant position is up to his old tricks, but no one suspects him because he's a respected businessman (check). Will Action Jackson uncover the villain's dastardly plot, save the day, get the chick who he at first thought was annoying, and get that lucrative lieutenant position back? What do you think?! Come on, this is as by the numbers as you can get, people. This story has been done hundreds of times, and yet here it's still simple, dorky fun. Action Jackson is played by the man who trained Sylvesyer Stallone in the original Rocky, and Craig "Coach" T. Nelson himself is the bad guy. And to top it all off, VANITY is the romantic love interest! I could not believe it when her named popped up on the screen. Now I own two movies starring this horrible actress: Today's feature, and the John Stamos spy disaster, Never Too Young To Die. What a small world, huh? There are explosions, car chases, groovy 80s tunes, and even a hotel manager whose lisp is so obvious that you can't understand a word he says. How can you go wrong? Trust me folks, this is not painful in the slightest. Well, okay, maybe Vanity's two songs can be zipped through via the fast forward button (check out her nasty hair!), but otherwise Action Jackson is a great B-movie for those rainy days.

7th Heaven (1996–2007)

This show couldn't be any more complicated...

[2 November 2003]

I used to be a regular viewer of 7th Heaven, but after a while there were so many convoluted subplots that I just had to give up. The main family itself is huge, but when you add about 15 side characters the relationships become a bit too hard to follow. Also, I really got tired of how every episode became some political preaching about the latest controversy or hot button issue. In one episode, Ruthie writes letters to a U.S. soldier who is stationed in Afghanistan. Then she gets all worried when the guy stops writing back, and the preacher father ends the episode by reciting a sermon about America's heroes. Now, I'm all for being patriotic and all that jazz, but that entire episode seemed to be written in about five minutes and tacked onto the season just so the staff could win an Emmy. I'm willing to bet money that the writers just open up the paper to the Opinion section, close their eyes, point at a random story, and then write a script based on the issue. Going back to how complicated the show has gotten, I'd just like to note that it is very frustrating when the characters have boyfriends and girlfriends so many times in a season that you have no idea what's even happening any more. Seriously, you can skip one episode and someone will be married/divorced/pregnant/in a coma the next week. Talk about drastically changing plot lines! Now I'd like to talk about the most unintentionally hilarious episode, AKA the one that discussed the issue of marijuana. I could not believe how politically charged this one episode was, and my jaw was literally on the floor at how exaggerated the story was presented. Basically, the dad discovers a joint in the laundry (correct me if I'm wrong), and instantly starts eyeballing every one of his children. He becomes so paranoid and mistrusting that it's ridiculous. When he sees that Matt is eating more than two or three cookies, the camera zooms in on his sweaty, worried face. Why, Matt must have (gasp!) THE MUNCHIES! Dun, dun, DUN! Then one of the girls is acting tired. Why, she must be (gasp) HIGH! Dun, dun, DUN!! I mean, come ON! He even suspects Ruthie, who was probably 6-years-old at the time. Talk about overreacting. So anyway, the dad drags his wife into the bedroom and they discuss who might have brought the joint home. "Did you see Matt wolfing down those cookies? That's a sure-fire sign of (gasp!) THE MUNCHIES!" the dad whispers, afraid that his Christian neighbors will hear him. We then learn that the wife smoked some pot in college, and the dad literally freaks out. He comes this close to disowning his wife because she hit a couple of doobies when she was younger. Yes, God forbid someone does drugs when they're in college. I say, anyone who smokes weed is evil. EVIL, ya hear me?! So the dad puts the joint in his dresser drawer for safe keeping, and minutes later one of his daughters finds it while looking for something to wear. GASP! She thinks her parents are smoking the wacky weed! Ah, the wackiness that comes with family sitcoms. The show draws to a close when it is discovered that Matt had the joint, which leads to him running off somewhere. The mom and dad search the town only to find that he is praying in church. That's right, he's praying to God and spilling his guts about how he was just "holding" the joint for a friend. Uh, RIGHT. The credits roll after the mom and dad embrace their tearful son, a lesson learned by all. In short, GAG ME. Other issues discussed by Seventh Heaven include: listening to rap music is BAD, having sex is BAD, etc. Sheesh, whatever happened to just running a regular episode? Does every single show have to bery Very Special? Blech. I say this show be canned before the writers create an episode where Simon learns about the evils of homosexuality via a sinister uncle character. 0/4 stars

Bowling for Columbine (2002)

The best movie I've seen in quite some time.

[9 October 2003]

Whether you're a major film buff or just an average joe watching the Oscars, there's no way you can't know who Michael Moore is and about his massively controversial documentary, Bowling For Columbine. Many have raved about both the director and the film, while others (namely Stupid White Men) have protested its claims about guns in America. With all of this hemming and hawing over one film, I knew that at some point I had to obtain a copy. Amazon.com wasn't very helpful at first, since the only VHS copies of the film cost upwards of $33, but eventually I struck gold and found one for a cheap twelve bucks. Let me tell ya, it was money very well spent. This is one of the best movies I've seen in quite a while, so wonderfully crafted that it strikes the perfect balance of humor, horror, and anger. The blanket theme of Bowling For Columbine is how America has become gripped with fear and armed itself with millions upon millions of guns. Mr. Moore attempts to convince viewers that because of the mass media, which obsesses over every single murder/scandal/threat that will improve ratings, U.S. citizens have turned into worrisome, gun-toting psychos who kill each other with guns more than any other nation on the planet. Some very troubling facts, stories, and statistics are presented here, like how while murders in America have decreased by 20%, media coverage of murders has gone up 600%. All of this research really strengthens Moore's argument, and by the end of the film I was totally convinced that our country has gone down the toilet. There are also many fascinating interviews with various celebrities and everyday citizens, such as the brother of the Oklahoma City Bomber, Charlton Heston, and Marilyn Manson. Sometimes the documentary literally shook me or made me cry, like in the timeline sequence where we are shown the many horrors America has suported throughout history (put to the oldies tune "What A Wonderful World," ironically), or when Columbine High School's security camera footage is shown in its entirety. Aside from those chilling moments there are also many hilarious scenes, like the animated cartoon that details the history of America. Filmed by the men behind the wonderful South Park series, this short segment is filled to the brim with laughs (that is, if you're not insanely conservative). After seeing this movie I have become a strong supporter of Michael Moore, and have picked up his two latest books, Stupid White Men and Dude, Where's My Country?. If you think that this "great" nation of ours needs some serious work, then I suggest you try and find a way to see Bowling For Columbine. It's a sharp, witty look at violence in America that will get you thinking, laughing, and crying all at the same time. 4/4 stars

I Spy (2002)

The most boring action film ever made!

[9 October 2003]

Okay, so we all know that Eddie Murphy is in a major slump right now, so I'm not even going to beat that dead horse. So today I'm gonna rail on Owen Wilson, who I find very annoying. There was a period where this actor with a silly putty nose was in about 15 films that were released one right after the other for two straight years. Shanghai Noon, How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, Shanghai Knights, and this snore-inducing flop. Why is he still getting work? I hear they're going to make a third Shanghai movie called Shanghai Dawn, for crying out loud. Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is, since he doesn't have that great of a range and always plays the dopey, aw shucks kind of character. As for our feature presentation, it's, again, extremely mediocre and boring. Eddie isn't even trying here, and just goes through the motions as he presents every tired facial expression and joke we've seen before. And am I the only one who's sick and tired of Wacky-Hip Black Guy Teams Up With Dorky White Guy With Hilarious Results comedies? Rush Hour was good and all, but come on! Eddie in I Spy is like Chris Rock/Tucker and every other C-rate black comedian combined here. "Hmm, maybe I should talk real fast and gesture a lot. That's funny, right? And I'll use the word $hit every 5 seconds, because white people think a cussing black man is funny. This is gonna be great!" Sorry, no dice. The story is just as contrived, and is yet another attempt to spoof the spy genre. Here's the plot: Invisible jet gets stolen by an old geezer named Gundar (he's an arms dealer...and his name is Gundar...get it?...GUNdar?...nevermind). In order to make sure that national and world security is not compromised, super spy Wilson teams up with a wise-cracking (duh) boxer, AKA Murphy. Then there's a ridiculous character named Carlos, another spy who gets his own Mexican guitar theme every time he comes on screen. Uh, can we say stereotypical? Sheesh, at least give him a better name than Carlos. That's what every white executive gives Hispanic guys for names these days. And we can't forget the lovely lady agent, who just may be a DOUBLE agent! Or is she really a TRIPLE agent???? Do you even CARE? Neither do I!!! Halfway through I Spy my friends demanded we turn it off, but later I decided to be fair and watch the rest. Guess what? It didn't help. This isn't average action fluff, people. It's just lazy and stupid. 1/4 stars

The Rundown (2003)

Stuck between The Rock and a bad script...ooh, bad pun.

[3 October 2003]

I honestly don't know what people who hated The Rundown expected going into the theater. The ads and TV spots proudly claim that the movie's star is none other than The Rock, a man whose acting abilities are a cut above those of a recently refurnished cabinet. And good gravy, his co-star is Sean William Scott, AKA Stiffler from the American Pie trilogy. So, again I ask, who thought this was going to be the next classic action extravaganza? In the end, while I agree that The Rundown is pretty ridiculous, there are so many other films out there that are so much worse I can't really criticize it too harshly. Some of the fight sequences were actually pretty creative, my favorite being when The Rock went up against a group of midget revolutionaries. Those little guys kept that wrestler up in the air for minutes on end with their kicks and punches, and for the most part I was kept interested. Of course, the physics involved in these fights make little sense, but who cares? It's not like Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle was any more coherent, and I liked that movie just fine. But there are more than a few rotten eggs in this mixture that keep me from giving it a full thumbs up. First off, I'd like to reaffirm my belief that The Rock is not a great actor. His only facial expressions are 1) angry and 2) sufficiently miffed. Plus the script saddles him with this horrible "signature" where he gives his opponents two options. Option A usually goes something like, "You give me the (fill in the blank) right now and walk away," while Option B is, "I take the (fill in the blank) and beat you like dirty rug." This being an action movie, no one ever takes Option A so that we the audience can get another fight sequence. Secondly, the banter between Sean William Scott and The Rock is really simple and not at all clever or especially funny. Their "wacky" arguments quickly dissolve to childish, "Your mom! Shut up!" insults that go nowhere and show a lack of originality in the writers. As for Christopher Walken, who plays the villain here, he overracts so much that he comes off as a cartoon character. His tooth fairy monologue is hilariously bad, and whenever he laughs it's so Snidley Whiplash in nature that you want to smack the big doofus. Considering that some of Mr. Walken's recent roles come from flops like The Country Bears and Gigli, maybe he should rethink his game plan. But like I said earlier, The Rundown is easily digested and quickly forgotten fluff, and is no where near as painful as, say, From Justin to Kelly. I just wish I could convince the friends I went with of that! 1.5/4 stars

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

A financial disaster, but not the worst Eddie has to offer

[7 September 2003]

Ah, Eddie Murphy. Sometimes I wonder if he sits up at night and makes wishes on shooting stars, asking that he be transported to the 1980's where everything was rosy and right with the world (and his career). Because, as we all know, these past couple of years have not been good for the iconic comedian. Showtime tanked, I Spy tanked (mostly because it was a film adaptation of a show that no one remembered and was a poor rip-off of Owen Wilson's own Shanghai franchise), The Holy Man tanked, Daddy Day Care made money but was ripped to shreds by critics, and his only major success came with the release of Dreamworks' animated smash Shrek. But every actor has that one movie that they would like to forget, the one humiliating bomb that is the equivalent of a mutant cousin hiding in the basement, ready to rear its ugly, pillow shaped head at any moment. For Eddie, the deformed relative is The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which is now infamous for losing the most money of any feature film in history. I think the final cost of the film was in the ballpark of $90 million, but it was held from release for over two years before being quietly presented and withdrawn from theaters. The film's total gross? A paltry $2 million or so. Yeesh, talk about a giant misstep. Of course, being the bad movie patron that I am, I heard all about this movie's history, but didn't bother to investigate the actual film until yesterday, when I spotted a VHS copy at a Blockbuster Video sale for like three bucks. Surprisingly, and I say this without having seen Showtime or I Spy, this is not the worst movie Eddie has starred in, at least in my opinion. Sure the comedy is pretty stale, and Eddie is just going through the motions as Pluto Nash, but in the end my one question is why this had to take place on the moon. Aside from a handful of elements, there was no need for this movie to be set in space. The story has less to do with something about the moon and more about Godfather-type gangsters. It could have just as easily taken place on Earth in the future, in my opinion, and the filmmakers could have saved a nice chunk of cash in the process. And while the story is kind of yawn-inducing, the "surprise" twist had me groaning. Let me paint the picture here: There's an episode of the hilarious show Family Guy where the main character Peter reminisces about the time his wife Louis killed his evil twin. Louis is then shown aiming a pistol at two Peters, both of which are saying stuff like, "Shoot him, Louis! I'm the real Peter!" and, "Louis, don't you know your own husband? Shoot him!" The joke was great because it captured an archaic movie cliche so perfectly, so it really made me wince to see such an old device being used in Pluto Nash. There is actually a point in the film where Eddie and his evil clone are trying to convince someone to shoot their opponent. "I'm the real Pluto Nash! Shoot him!" "No, he's lieing! Don't shoot me, he's the clone!" Oh brother! And is it just me, or do all of the "futuristic" landscapes and gizmos look like somethin out of Back To The Future Part II? Considering that movie came out over 10 years ago, this is not a good thing. But like I said before, this isn't at all painful to watch and goes by pretty fast for a mob movie set IN SPACE. Sheesh. 2/4 stars

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Pitiful, boring, and utterly forgettable.

[17 August 2003]

Good Lord, Sean Connery, what is up with you these days? I swear, this guy couldn't pick a decent film to star in if his life depended on the decision. I've watched the man scowl and furrow his brow in more than a handful of junk pictures, from Medicine Man, which is merely dull, to The Avengers, which is hilarious but still insanely horrible. And now he's in this piece of pure tedium known as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a title that couldn't be longer if it tried. This isn't even an example of laughable bad, either, the kind of bad where you can just sit back and have fun watching the crap hit the fan. LXG, as it's confusingly called in ads, is merely boring and a total waste of one's time. Granted, the premise could lend itself to an excellent adventure film: bring together all of these classic literary characters and have them fight for a common cause. And I'm sure that while the comic book on which this film is based is very good (I base that on word of mouth), something went very wrong here. None of the characters are the least bit interesting, and half the time they just sit around droning on about stuff we don't give a flying flip about. The special effects are decent, if somewhat out of an old PS2 game, but the main story is just a disaster. We start off with newspapers flying at the screen, each one bearing a plot revealing headline (cliche #1). Then we meet Sean Connery's character, who is exactly like every other role the man has portrayed: ruff, gruff, and grumpy. We learn that a world war may occur if Mr. Connery doesn't organize a team of heroes and stop an evil villain known as The Phantom (a title that was used in another failed suphero film, coincidentally). But sadly, The Phantom is not a very cool bad guy. Villains have to just drip with evil in these comic book adaptations, like The Green Goblin or The Kingpin. But The Phantom just comes off as a big dork in a Phantom of the Opera mask and mink furs. And when we learn his true identity, it's not so much as shocking as it is laughable. It's at this point that the audience realizes how much of a dip The Phantom is and how he couldn't take over the world if it was handed to him on a silver platter. With the gaggle of comic book films hitting theaters, one was bound to stink like orangutang poo, and LXG is definitely that film. When will Hollywood execs figure out that saturating the market with one type of movie just because Spiderman succeeded can lead to pure garbage? 1/4 stars.

On the Line (2001)

Chalk this up with the other singer turned actor horrors...

[17 August 2003]

Mariah has Glitter. The Village People have Can't Stop the Music. Britney Spears has Crossroads. Jennifer Lopez has The Wedding Planner, Enough, Gigli...you get the idea. I think it's become an inescapable law of physics that when any singer decides that they have the chops to become an actor, what results is an evil hybrid of inflated egos and Satanic afterbirth. Want more proof? Presenting On The Line, starring both Lance Bass and Joey Fatone. This is one of the most ridiculous movies I've ever seen, mostly because it assumes that these two boy band rejects can act in front of a camera. Joey's actually supposed to be a decent thespian, but you would have no idea just from watching this piece of filth. He just comes off as loud, annoying, and patently stupid. As for Bass, while a cute guy, he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. He just looks uncomfortable throughout the entire film and it made me feel likewise. Then there's the incomprehensible story, which defies common sense and the idea that God loves his children. Yeah, the entire city just STOPS to read about pathetic Lance and his search for a girl he barely talked to for less then five minutes. And why is his story on the front page of every newspaper? Is it a slow news day EVERY DAY in this city??? I laughed out loud when the front page of one paper featured a huge color photo of Lance and his gal and at the bottom was a much smaller headline about the economy. Yeah, that's realistic. Oh, why am I even wasting my breath? This movie sucks hard, and no one should watch it unless they enjoy getting their brains damaged. 0/4 stars (P.S. Dave Foley, what are you doing here?!?!?! You were on Kids in the Hall, for God's sake!).

Thank God It's Friday (1978)

Not as bad as Can't Stop the Music (which is its worst trait)

[16 August 2003]

I picked up a copy of this from Wal-Mart for like 4 bucks, thinking it would be yet another wonderfully horrible disco musical for me to cringe at and enjoy at the same time. Sadly, Thank God It's Friday is not nearly as loathsome as Can't Stop the Music, which set a bench mark for bad musicals that could only be reached by From Justin to Kelly. The story (such as it is here) follows about 500 characters as they dance the night away at a disco club called The Zoo (oh brother). The big event of the night is the dance contest, which doesn't occur until the movie's last few minutes and is not at all epic or exciting. I say the flick has about 500 characters because it literally does. There are so many people here that trying to invest any interest in them is pretty much impossible. Just when you're starting to figure out who certain characters are, the movie zips to the other side of the club and we meet a dozen or more new guys and gals. There's the two girls who want to win the contest so they can buy KISS tickets, the DJ who has to prove himself on his first night at the club, a budding singer who just needs a big break, an angry short fellah whose blind date is an insanely tall, shy woman, a dorky guy and a nice guy who are looking for love, a party gal and a nice gal who are looking for love, a woman who needs some fun in her life but is married to a complete stiff, a stud (played by JEFF GOLDBLUM, mind you) who makes bets with the DJ on who he can get back to his apartment, etc. etc. etc. Needless to say, the story is pretty much nonexistent, with a cameo by The Commodores barely registering on the Interesting Scale. The best part of the entire movie is when the girl who wants to be a singer, played by Donna Summers, sings the groovy hit The Last Dance. What surprised me is how the movie is rated PG but has a lot of cursing as well as drug use. I guess that back in the 70's this kind of material was seen as pretty tame. Also, the comedy struck me as being awfully cornball, and the running jokes were either stupid to begin with or made no sense at all (what is up with the Tarzan waiter, anyway?!). But, as I said before, this is a masterpiece when compared to garbage like Can't Stop the Music. Watchable, but still kind of stinky. 1.5/4 stars

Feardotcom (2002)

About as scary as House On Haunted Hill

[5 August 2003]

I wasn't exactly spooked by this C-rate ghost story, because I was too busy trying to figure out the utterly incomprehensible plot. Let's just forget for a second that the main subject of the movie (a Web site that kills you 48 hours after you access it) is ripped straight out of the far creepier Ring films. What else is left includes a Hannibal Lector-esque serial killer named The Doctor (ooh, how scawy), some very silly mumbo jumbo about how the Internet can store negative/positive energy, and a couple of uninteresting detectives who are so thick headed that they actually visit the site that could supposedly kill them. Oh, and apparently www.feardotcom.com (which is a pretty dumb title) whacks its visitors with their greatest fears. One victim drowns, another winds up in a car crash, etc. There is also an ominous looking little girl that only slightly reminded me of the ominous looking little girl from THE RING. My biggest complaint about this movie, however, is that half the time I couldn't even see what was going on because everything is shot so dark and muddy. Seriously, there were times when the screen was just pitch black with dialogue and sound effects. In the end, however, it wasn't as Good Bad as much as it was Boring Bad, kind of like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I just liked pointing out the many dorky cliches littered throughout the running time, like how one of the detectives, at a loss for clues, simply goes through some video footage frame by frame and (not so surprisingly) finds something Strange and Spooky-Ooky. 1/4 stars