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Don't Look Up (2021)
The Definition of Wasted Potential
It is difficult to find words to describe how utterly baffled I was by the experience of watching this film. The trailer tells me that this is potentially my favourite film; great actors, astute social commentary and a sweet premise. I don't think I have been so shocked by the disconnect between what I expected and what I received since the 'hey kid there's a free Oh Henry in the swimming pool' incident in Grade 3 or possibly The Star Wars Christmas Special.
To begin, the tone of Don't Look Up is a collection of odd bits that do not fit or even relate to each other in any understandable way. I was expecting a Dark Comedy but what I got was a clunky mix of Variety Show, Soap Opera and TV Sitcom. It is a mess of enormous proportions.
There are some incredibly funny scenes and some interesting, though often confusing, social commentary but these elements do not make a lead balloon fly or whatever impossible thing you can expect to happen happen.
However, its most egregious flaw is the editing. This film is nearly 2 1/2 hours long which is about 1 1/2 hours too long. There is an ENTIRE music video in the middle of this baffling disaster. I am not kidding. Some minor character that has had about 30 seconds of screentime up until the point in the film where she sings a whole song accompanied by a high budget music video. It is jarring, odd and a poor decision of letting bottom of the barrel cutting room floor material remain the the final product. There are countless scenes that just drag on and on where dialogue should have been cit by 3/4 or removed entirely. Does Netflix not care about editing?
Whatever is going on, this movie is pretty much trash in its current state. But, just maybe, with a talented film editor, one as talented as the cast of Don't Look Up, maybe there is a good film to be found hiding in this mess.
Dawid i Elfy (2021)
Hampered by Dubbing
This production screams quality. The sets, costume, acting, and direction down to camera movements and an overall directorial vision that is cohesive and deliberate. These are a few of the excellent qualities of Michal Rogalski's "Dawid i Elfy" (David and the Elves).
I was enthralled right up until someone spoke. This has nothing to do with any the voice actors' ability or talent, it is the fault of whoever chose to overdub this film rather than to just have subtitles. It is likely no worse than any other film's overdubbing, however, with a film of this quality, it comes across as cheap, rushed and performed by actors that seeming didn't have enough time to prepare for their roles and who just ended up reading lines (often in isolation and not interacting with other actors) into a microphone in a studio. I very well could be wrong but that is my major gripe with this otherwise great little film.
Shimmer Lake (2017)
Dark comedy with an emphasis on comedy
Seeing as most of the main players are comedic actors, this film is more of a comedy with dark elements. Very enjoyable if a bit slow at times. The reverse order storytelling is well done.
The Scribbler (2014)
Terrible, melodramatic & romanticized misunderstanding of mental illness
I'm at a loss for words for how bad this is. A terrible injustice to anyone with a mental illness as the writer had absolutely no understanding of mental illness, psychology, psychiatric institutions, mental health therapy or medicine. This film is idiotic and the silly romanticizing and misunderstanding of Disassociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) just makes it all the more painful to watch. The sexualizing of its mentally ill protagonist shows that this is some lurid attempt at cashing in on teen angst and rebellion while the teen film resurgence, brought on by Twilight and its distasteful ilk, is still viably profitable. This is a base, sickening teen- exploitation film. I think there may be a new exploitation category now with films like this, Maze Runner and Battle Royale - teen- exploitation.
Halloween (2007)
A Celebration of a Man-Child Director's Ineptitude
Just a pointless film. First, why remake a classic John Carpenter film that had no reason for any cultural update? Maybe he should have tried something less ambitious. Like, 'Frogs' perhaps. Actually, this was worse than 'Frogs'. Second, if you don't know how to make a movie, why remake one that was so perfect? An homage? No, a travesty. This film screams of a director that has serious issues with his own ego and masculinity as he tries to create a world full of 'hard' people leading 'troubled' lives but it all comes across like an after school special for troubled kids or a commercial for 'The Church of Latter Day Saints'. The acting and direction is painfully forced. It's like Rob Zombie wants to add to his image of a scary, tough horror-rock icon but knows nothing about it. He was likely a rich kid from a nice suburban neighborhood that grew up with nice parents and learned everything about 'horror' from bad comic books and cheesy heavy metal record covers. The world of Rob Zombie's 'Halloween' is silly, melodramatic, cartoonish and just plain painful to watch. Avoid, at all cost.
Huang jin da jie an (2012)
Unpredictable and Unexpected
I sat down to watch Guns N' Roses on opening day in Ningbo, China. From the opening, it seemed like it would be a crime drama with a comedic touch a la Jacky Chan. However, the Manchurian setting combined with the clichéd bad guys (the Japanese are always bad guys in Chinese films)and the very unpredictable love story make this film both comedic and dramatic. I would call it a comedic version of Indiana Jones starring Jacky Chan with some unconventional twists. I watched it twice in the theatre and now own it on DVD. There are some serious flaws, the most serious being some of the awful computer graphics used at the end of the film. However, all in all, it is a gem of a film.
King of the Underworld (1939)
This is NOT a classic film
This movie is a cinematic collage of gangster clichés. The writing is grade z and the plot and story are constructed without care or logic. It a messy pastiche of stereotypical gangsters (think of Bugs Bunny cartoons) and silly supporting characters (the lady doctor and the writer). There are much better Bogart films out there. In fact, Bogart looks like he slept through this performance. He puts very little effort into this character. I think the directorial advice he received was something like "He's a bad guy. Act bad". This guy is the era's equivalent of Darth Vader; obvious, evil and the anti-hero. Don't waste your time with this one.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Unbelievably bad
Where to start with this crap. It's trying to be like the original and Texas Chainsaw Massacre mixed into one huge melodramatic hunk of celluloid crapola. The Hills Have Eyes is geared for a teen audience and never lets you forget it. It's laughably bad. The acting is just a smidge above House of 1000 Corpses and the directing is possibly worse (if that's possible). The cinematography (hardee-har-har) is like an MTV music video of the lowest quality and just as irritating (jump cuts and illogical angles and edits). The characters are just stupid (both enemies and heroes) and I was just hoping everyone would drink poison and die together in the first five minutes and end the pain. I've seen more entertaining pre-school plays. I love good horror films but this is just an absolute lowest common denominator money grab. If you liked this film, congratulations on not finishing grade 8 and good luck with that service industry career.
Deadgirl (2008)
Very disturbing and highly recommended
I saw this at the TIFF and was expecting it to be some kind of Saw film or something of its ilk. However, it is much better than a simple horror film and really defies categorization. Deadgirl is a look into how we humanize, empathize and sympathize. It is a very provocative film and I squirmed many times. It is, however, not a film made for shock value. This is an essay on what it is to be human and where we draw the line on what we consider human. It is an exploration into where we draw the line on compassion and the hows and whys of our brutality and inhumanity. There are many scenes that affected me so deeply that I had trouble sleeping and talked about them for many weeks afterward. This is a great disturbing film.
Posse (1993)
Unnecessary
It's not just that the movie is lame. It's more than that. This movie is just unnecessary. Do we need another Western? How about a western with afro-Americans in the titles roles? Sound stupid, implausible and a lame attempt at modernizing the genre? It is. Incredibly lame and simple minded. It's like that lame Baz Luhrman film "Romeo and Juliet" where he set it in modern times to attract young folks and create some hype with his revamping of a classic tale. Well, Baz Luhrman failed miserably and so does this mess. The story is actually not bad however the whole idea of removing the racism out of a racist genre by casting an all afro-American cast is racist in itself. It's also puerile and simple minded (like Baz Luhrman-man he's a bad director). Hey (I hear you say) this was directed by Mario Van Peebles! He's also IN the film! How can it be racist? It's not. I said the idea of casting all afro-Americans instead of Caucasians was. The film isn't racist, it's just pointless, stupid and very very boring.
Afutâ sukûru (2008)
An awkward little piece of crime comedy
Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad movie. It's just that it's not a very good movie either. The director's main intent it seems is to keep the audience guessing what "Kimura" (the businessman that goes missing in a plot that involves detectives, the yakuza, the police, and seedy detectives) is up to. In the mix of plot twists and attempts to follow the characters involved in the separate plot line, the characters get a little watered down and so does the story. The director has tried to do too much and focused to much energy on keeping the audience guessing. When the climax hits, it is very surprising but also anti-climatic. The message of the film is also geared for Asian audiences where the loner anti-hero is considered a bad guy and deserves to be punished. A European or American film would have this character viewed in a more positive light and eliminated the preachy "all rebels and loners are losers" speech at the films climax. With the subject matter you might think this film is a crime drama or something of this ilk but no, it is played as straight comedy. A film with a strange pace, stilted world view and mostly unfunny comedy. It is by no means terrible. However, it would be one of my last choices in the foreign rental section of the video store.
Time Bandits (1981)
One the best films of its kind
To make a film that is both fantastical and intelligent is a difficult task. This was especially difficult at the time TIME BANDITS was made as the tools of the special effects trade were rather minimal and crude. Many films of this era that manage to succeed at the fantastical part are rather stupid films (STAR WARS and EMPIRE STRIKES BACK are two of them). Many people feel that STAR WARS and its ilk are good films but they are not. They are dull and stupid stories with poor acting and ridiculous dialog. TIME BANDITS succeeds at being a highly intelligent, creative and a very entertaining film by masterfully using the special effects of the time to surpass anything (except possibly BLADERUNNER)in its execution of the fantastical. I am old enough to have seen all the STAR WARS films as well as TIME BANDITS in the theater when they were released and as a young adult I was far more impressed by TIME BANDITS than any of the STAR WARS films. Actually, I found the original STAR WARS film rather boring. The problem with STAR WARS is that it is a children's story trying to be young adult entertainment and it comes across as very awkward, immature and childish. TIME BANDITS, however, has set its target audience (like many Warner Bros. cartoons before it) squarely at children but does not talk down to them and therefore succeeds at creating a story that entertains children as well as adults. TIME BANDITS is a masterpiece of science fiction and children's cinema and should bless everyone's DVD collection. It is such a great, great film.
The Night of the Hunter (1955)
Good but not great
I don't understand why this movie is so highly rated. It is good but it isn't great. For the period, "A Touch of Evil" or "In a Quiet Place" are far superior films. This film didn't do well at the box office and critics didn't like it much either so it leaves me wondering "who the hell likes this film so much?" Could it be that the blatant religious overtones struck a chord with the Christian movie going community and they now support it in droves? What gives? I mean, it takes some taste to appreciate this film as it isn't a pile of special effects crap like "300" or a sappy teen flick like "Titanic" but there are much better choices for the period and genre. I am perplexed.
Armageddon (1998)
The Biggest Waste of Talent in Movie History
This movie stunned me. I sat watching it like a slack-jawed idiot, mouth agape, eyes transfixed on this colossal train wreck of a film. It must be the biggest waste of talent in the history of filmaking. The cast (other than Ben Affleck and Michael Clarke Duncan) are decent. Even Bruce Willis can be good once in a while (Pulp Fiction, 12 Monkeys). But, this whole movie is just a big formulaic, predictable, melodramatic turd. How can a movie that was this expensive to make with a massive special effects budget and all these talented actors be SO utterly boring and just plain bad? It is so very, very BAD. It must be the Michael Bay touch. He has to be the worst American director of his generation. He is to America what Uwe Boll is to Retardland or wherever the hell he comes from. I've got a great idea! An action-horror film directed by Bay and Boll! It would star Steven Seagal and Sandra Bullock with Whoopi Goldberg as the comedic relief! It would be based on Grand Theft Auto and Donkey Kong where two hard-nosed cops have to fight off a mutant gorilla that attacks Florida!
Napoleon (1995)
This a movie for people who like cute without substance
I am not usually one to comment on the budget of a film. Usually, I prefer independent productions that emphasize acting and skill over effects. However, this type of film, which stars real animals, needs to have something to distract from the fact you are watching a bunch of pets wandering around rather aimlessly in front of the camera with voice-overs telling the story. This movie is painful due to the obviousness of the set-ups of the animal interactions and very fake looking action sequences. There are no CGI mouth movements that would add some personality to the baby critters and distract from the very strange ESP animal world conversations that don't require speech. The critters are cute but that can only carry a movie for 2 or 3 minutes. The poor puppies and other critters just look rather confused as they search for cues of what they are supposed to do from their trainers off-camera. This movie has a good story and a good message but the execution is awful. This was a painful experience and I groaned audibly through the whole thing. The kids luckily fell asleep before it was over and have not asked for a repeat viewing so I think they hated it too.
Arthur et les Minimoys (2006)
Disjointed, awkward and boring
This movie stinks but it doesn't quite stink of sh*t. It is however, a mess. Where to begin? First off, the segue from 'reality' to the 'fantasy' world is incredibly disjointed, awkward and, frankly, stupid. The devices used in the movie are tired and are not given enough time on screen to be effective. For example, a flurry of bill collectors and auctioneers come to the house to demonstrate the money problem the boy's grandmother is having but their time on screen is uneven and bizarrely meted out. Although the acting of the 'live' actors is quite good, the direction and editing are terrible. With the addition of animation, the whole thing becomes an amateurish mess. I would expect a little more from Luc Besson but it fails to grab your attention because the awful pacing and the lack of introduction of the Minimoys before the development of the plot. The film is a complete mess.
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
I'd rather watch my dog take a sh*t
Slightly less painful than smashing your nuts with a brick. This is a remake of an equally awful film from 1960 with the same title. Why did they remake this film? Why? The original was idiotic and more camp than horror. I was expecting the Marx Brothers, Laurel and Hardy, The Three Stooges or even Abbott and Costello to jump out at any moment to alleviate the torturous 'acting' in this film. The 2001 remake is just as bad, no, no it's actually worse. Matthew Lillard has to be the WORST actor of his generation. Is he John Agar's grandson? This movie is utter crap. It has no merits whatsoever. The acting, plot, dialog, 'special effects' and direction are more painful than trying to take a crap after eating a pound of cheese and a box of Immodium. If you eat things out of dumpsters, you like the smell of other people farts or you can't spell your own name, then this is your movie. Anyone else should steer clear. I've had more fun waiting for my dog to take a crap in the rain.
Chicken Little (2005)
Mediocre film AWFUL music
The music in this film is AWFUL! I would like to KILL every single one of the Barely Talented Ladies (Barenaked Lameoids) for that "One Little Slip" song. It is AWFUL and sets this movie off to a bad start. I had to fast forward through the song so that my yelling at the TV stopped scaring the kids. The Barenaked Ladies are TERRIBLE. How did this band sell even ONE record? They are the friggin' WORST band I have ever heard! I hate a lot of music but these guys are even worse than the lamest of 'Boy Bands'. I'd rather listen to a cat in a dryer than this sh*t. The movie is OK and I mean it is just OK. Not good, not bad just OK. The music is not. The music is absolute twaddle. I would like to resurrect Johnny Thunders, Joey Ramone, Stiv Bators and Joe Strummer and have them beat the living sh*t out of the Barenaked Ladies for being so thoroughly lame. There is now a new scale of rating music. At the low end is the Barenaked Ladies and it can only get better from there. As for movies, Chicken Little is right in the middle. It isn't Chicken Sh*ttle, thankfully.
Mark of the Vampire (1935)
Ugh! Derivative, boring, typical vampire crap.
Now to say I hate vampire movies is like asking a little kid if he hates eating Brussels sprouts for breakfast. Vampire films are juvenile as are most of the people I know who enjoy them. There seems to be a clique of people who are fascinated by role playing games, comic books and vampire crap who tout themselves as intellectuals but are, in fact, utter morons. No matter how much I try to convince them that they are utter morons they just annoyingly quote some hack like Neil Gaiman or Anne Rice with that "so waddaya thinka that" look on their faces that makes me want to put holes in their skulls. Ugh! Now this film is just utterly unoriginal, even for its time. It just regurgitates all the old vampire nonsense that makes vampire movies so silly and boring. This movie was painful to sit through and I don't recommend it to anyone even if you are some gothy preteen with black nail polish and a good "Magic" card collection.
Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice (2002)
The Worst Sequel in History
This movie is a travesty. As far as sequels go, I thought Blues Brothers 2000 was bad in a 'way too little way too late' kinda way. But, holy sh*t, this was bad. First, it has nothing to offer hockey fans. The film was made by people who don't know anything about hockey. Take the horrible coach characters. The figure skating guy is unbelievable as a coach and totally unfunny as a queer. He ruins the 'hockeyness' of the film. Second, this is a very bad film and should be stricken from the memory of anyone who enjoyed the original "Slapshot" or any hockey loving Canadian. Yes, Canadian, Americans couldn't tell the difference between hockey and disco dancing with all those goofy red and blue streaks all over the place on Fox. This is likely why this movie sucked so hard...it was made by Americans. Man I would rather watch the other American Hockey travesties like the idiotic chimp plays hockey film "Most Valuable Primate" or even Emelio-chimp in "D2: The Mighty Ducks" (yuck!) or even those boring bumholes in "Mystery, Alaska" than this frozen turd. This movie sucks the frozen poop out of a dead Eskimo.
Commando (1985)
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
This is a lame film even by action movie standards (which are pretty low). The action scenes in this film look as if everyone is on heroin. When Arnie fights the lame baddies for the first time (after he misses them with his Chevy blazer) the choreography is likely the worst I've ever seen in any action movie. The only people who like this film are dumb guys and teenagers. The acting is ridiculous. The plot is ridiculous. The action is boring. Even Arnie's one liners come off like he's bored. I don't like action films at the best of times but this one is a big piece of sh*t. If you have to watch Arnie go with Predator, it's a classic. Commando is a turd that just wont flush.
Joe's Apartment (1996)
Redefining bad
This movie tries very hard to be strange and "zany" (the word used by boring people to describe mundane, outmoded comedy that they have just been introduced to but the rest of the world has become jaded to many years previously). This is an old, crusty splatter of teenage, cartoon ejaculation dried and forgotten on a dirty bed sheet badly in need of a washing. In other words... who cares? Not me. If you care about this film, I suggest you beat yourself in the head with your "Saved by the Bell" VHS collection until puberty sets in. Endless annoying Chipmunk songs sung by a chorus of poorly made cockroach puppets doing idiotic choreography is not entertainment. In fact, it's not even "Meet the Feebles" which is a masterpiece of cinema in comparison. This movie tries SO hard to be weird that it's painful. Oh, the pain. MY EYES!
The Razor's Edge (1984)
An average movie with average performances and a so-so script
To begin, I actually like this film despite the negativity in my review. This movie suffers from a mild to average case of Orientalism and a director who treats his audience like the mentally handicapped. However, its the purity of the film's sheer averageness that flatlines the audience's ability to care about the action on screen or criticize its shortcomings (of course they'll love it they're all too brain-damaged to hate anything). It's not that it's a bad film, it isn't, it just isn't that good. The performances by Bill Murray and Theresa Russell are semi-inspired but the insipid treatment of Eastern mysticism is juvenile and just plain silly. However, it's not as moronic and childish as say "Seven Years in Tibet" which was a laughable B-movie in comparison. Nonetheless, the delivery of the film's title ("'the Razor's Edge") by the monk is only missing him winking slowly at the camera (and saying "wink, wink nudge, nudge, know what I mean, hey?") to let "brain-damaged" audience know that this scene is important. Overall, this is not a complete disaster. It is a worthwhile attempt at creating a movie for adults rather than some crappy schlock with car chases and shootouts geared for teenagers and "mentally handicapped" adults.
V for Vendetta (2005)
An Idiotic Melodrama for Teens, Half-Wits and Teen Half-Wits
Movies keep getting more idiotic and the audiences just get more brain dead by watching them. Anyone over the age of 15 who gave this movie a good review probably still lives with their parents, eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and is still a virgin. This movie is asinine, juvenile and just plain derivative. There are so many films this movie has copied that are SO much better it is almost pointless to watch it. The teenage melodrama that exudes from this stinker is like "The Crow" with bigger acne pimples. If you think this is a 'good' film try watching "Brazil", the director's cut of "Blade Runner" or even "1984" (not great but a masterpiece when compared to this crap). This is not as bad as "Sin City" (my vote for the worst film of 2005) but it has so much sucky teen angst that it will make you want to buy a slurpee and ride a BMX. My verdict: V for Vendetta is total crap with a script that seems to have been written by a grade 9 student with an inferiority complex. Avoid this film if you are older than 15 and you have an IQ above 75.
Wolf Creek (2005)
Almost Completely Pointless
Like other terrible films in this newly popular torture genre, it is senselessly violent and therefore, in my opinion, pointless. The acting isn't bad but this is this film's only redeeming feature. The director makes his first mistake by basing this film on a true story. There are other true stories about serial killers that have translated well into film--Henry, a Portrait of a Serial Killer-- to name one but 'Henry' is NOT a horror film and the killer was caught. This whole film is misconstrued garbage aimed at a teen audience that confuses 'shocking' with 'good'. Like the equally awful House of 1000 Corpses, this film focuses too heavily on the torturer(s) and the audience is left with no-one to empathize with and therefore nothing to care about. This film made me feel a little sick and extremely bored. If you like boring films with a focus on senseless rape and torture, well I guess this is your film. I hope the trend of films like Wolf Creek and Hostel ends soon and people get back to making decent horror films with characters that are more than just a vehicle for a body count.