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Reviews
Spectre (2015)
Oh my lord this was boring!!
SPOILERS. It started badly after the smooth intro when Bond does some sniping thirty feet away from the target barely concealing himself then shocked when he is spotted then we get an overly choppy action scene so hacked together and swirly it's not watchable.
After some unnatural chit chat with M Bond talks with a new guy "C" oh he doesn't come across as shifty, I'm surprised he wasn't winking at the camera after every line.
Blah blah seduces a grieving widow (oh come on!) At Q branch, somehow steals a high tech car and takes it abroad. We meet Blofeld.... where is the menace in this character? he was like that boring cousin you avoid at weddings.
More yawn and drag with more choppy action.
The humorous parts were welcomed but Daniel Craig can't do them because he only has four facial expressions.
The trouble with Spectre is they made them far to grand and in control of everything but equally inept.
The next movie should have an instrumental theme to play it safe. The man singing sounds like he was eating a sandwich. Most of the last ten themes are crap.
Bring back some of the charm.
5/10 and 3 of those were for bringing back Spectre.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
good stuff
SPOILER! Lots of big sci-fi flicks have come and gone since T2 so I had my doubts whether this was going to be any good or I'd feel the same but right from the start I got into it. I also had doubts about the female terminator but it wasn't too corny still the T1000 was more menacing. I figured out how they would kill the T-X when I saw the damaged energy cell explode in the desert and I never figure endings out. Speaking of the ending, I thought it was much better than the other two yet a little depressing. Ok so what didn't I like, I wish this were made a few years earlier, the whole feel was more ominous and we got to see some more future battles and more cool new machines (T-4 anyone?) 8/10
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Too much of a good thing.
The joke has worn exceptionally thin. Myers Dutch and Scottish accents are especially dreadful. It is the same gags over and over now for three movies, in the one and two it got away with it but come on surely Myers isn't that big where someone would voice their comments. I hope that Goldmember is it for the run but Hollywood won't be happy until it's squeezed it for every last penny and squeezed the jokes some more.
Saturday Night Live (1975)
need of a mercy killing
Having only started watching SNL five years ago I can say that the past two have been rubbish. Half the cast can't wait to leave and start on a sitcom or movies. "Hey but it was good when it first started right?" well no. I see reruns and I don't think they were funny either. It's people laughing for the sake of it. 30 years and still nothing worth watching.
V.I. Warshawski (1991)
waste of time
V.I Warshawski is like some cheesy crime thriller novel that was made into a movie. I couldn't get into it or feel anything for the characters. V.I Warshawski was made 5 years too late cause the eighties were full of this. 3/10
American Idol: The Search for a Superstar (2002)
To progress just shout.
I don't care much for reality shows but it seems they can't make anything else but the same old same old. To me American idol is nothing but a competition to see who can sing the loudest, so what if someone doesn't scream his or her head off they still have talent you know. You look at the top 40 singles and I bet half the singers would get a knocking down on the show. (Blatant sarcasm coming up) Oh Simon your whimsical gems are the perfect retort, you are a joy to watch and don't wear your waistband too high for a man. 3/10
Torque (2004)
Do not watch if under 14
During my cinema time I have seen maybe four people walk out and not come back but while watching Torque' I saw at least twelve. It's the kind of movie I would have liked when I was thirteen and then I liked Commando'. Have the makers of the fast and the furious' and Torque' actually traveled at 150mph? Because they make appear like almost double, maybe they mixed up miles with kilometers. The unrealistic nature doesn't stop there half the stuff they did on a bike would leave you with your head in the road but it's not as unrealistic as the acting and corny dialogue. `Hey you know what? I really like those intros you get on racing video games, could we stretch one out into a movie? I Doubt it but lets make it anyway' 3/10
Withnail and I (1987)
classic
I first saw this movie about 10 years ago and it was ruined by the fact that I met a huge fan of it before viewing. I was forced to hear all the funny lines, shouting "get in the back of the van" in your face is about as funny as pain if you dont know what the hell you're on about. I watched the movie knowing I could be like him if I enjoyed it and I didnt take to it. The memory of him well gone I watched it again and loved it. If you are a big fan just say so and leave it at that you ruin it for the rest. Still "get in the back of the van" is not funny. 9/10
Blue Heaven (1992)
only the good die young
This was one of the best shows ever. Frank Skinner I feel is at his best acting, his talk shows etc are funny but BH hasn't been topped. The supporting cast are prefect including his 'cowing' mother. I really hoped they would make more of these but no, so maybe now is a good time to start filming "what ever happened to Blue Heaven?"
They Think It's All Over (1995)
Please end this
When this first started it seemed bright and witty but soon went down hill. Nick 'sitcom flop' Hancock hasn't changed his fashion sense since 1987 or his jokes for that matter. Rory McGrath has 3 jokes and 2 of those are double entendres, he has made the golfer having trouble with an iron pun 3 or 4 times. "They think it's all over" I for one wish it was.
The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)
bit of a let down
I came home late from a night out and KFM was just starting and I thought the first 30 minutes was funny but I fell a sleep because I had a few too many! So one day I saw KFM for rent and thought great I'd forgotten all about this movie! Maybe it was the alcohol last time but I didn't even raise a smile this time. The nude bits perked me up a little but not even cheap shots like that would make me watch this again. When drunk 7/10 when sober 4/10.
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
OK
When the movie first came out everyone said it was a great movie because it was something new then about a year after it got rubbished by everyone then I saw it. I think people make up their minds before they have even sat in the cinema or put the disc or tape in the machine. (in fact between you and me I think some people reviews on imdb are wrote when they haven't seen the movie because they just dont care to watch it so they write a made up review) BWP is a good movie and creepy in places. Remember some of the lame cheap shots that hollywood horror movie go for just to get a quick scare well BWP doesnt go down that road. Like or loath, 7/10
The Ring (2002)
not great
No where near as good as the Japanese original which scared the crap out of me with it's superb sound effects and filming. Hollywood always has to muck it up. PLEASE see the original and don't let the subtitles put you off. 4/10
Early Doors (2003)
a gem
I had the fortune of catching season one before I returned to the states. I told my friends about it "oh it's the uk version of cheers then?" well no, I don't remember sam talking a pee with the door open or norm and cliff talking about having bit on the side. Some might find it a bit boring but me I could have watched until closing time. 10/10 pure (working) class
The Ripper (1985)
never again
The last time I saw such a cheesy movie with laughable acting and script it was rated XXX ! the parts that kept my attention were so bad I felt my mind freezing over. *** WARNING *** this movie contains a bad 80's group dancing sequence that is more sickening than the stabbings and gut ripping. AVOID -2/10
The Wicker Man (1973)
apple is not the only fruit
i'd never even heard of this movie until i saw a clip last month. I love weird 70's movies like this. I enjoyed the wicker man, it's not scary and i will admit i do scare easy. You could believe it to be true. 7/10 movie & 10/10 for the shots of britt ekland's bare bottom :-)
Vids (2000)
pure genius
when i was in the uk the best part of my week was 'vids' i'm temped to say stef and nigel are the best double act ever. Stef was pretty straight and how anyone would be on the show yet could come out with some of the best gags and nigel was so insane you couldnt help but laugh even when you thought how dumb it was. I mentioned the show to my dad on the off chance he'd even heard of it and he said "oh yeah it's so funny" shame it was on so late at night. Staggering home from the pub to watch 'vids' are times i'll never forget. 9/10
The Professionals (1977)
da da da ..
great theme tune and opening credits! looking back The Professional are a bit cheesy and most stories tend to be they would find out lets say the turks are planning a hit so the guys visit some turkish cafe rough up the owner until he spills some info then they head off to save the day in the nick of time, brilliant !!!!
Comrade Dad (1984)
when i was a happy child..
.. the sun didnt have to shine, vimto cured thirst and all known illness. As I was thinking back 13 years ago my mind brought up and few grey images of a sitcom that i couldn't even name. Maybe because i was a scabbed knee and elbowed kid any jokes were funny but I use to love comrade dad. Maybe I'll get to see it one day again but I doubt it.
Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001)
It was great to watch..
.. a British film that isn't so rubbish that I'll pretend I haven't seen it but this I found so good. I watched it then had to watch it again. I laughed like crazy. I had a worry that Bradley Walsh might ruin it as he is lame on TV but he's not in it much. The saving grace was they thankfully didn't have Nick 'I haven't changed my fashion since 1988 nor my jokes' Hancock in it. 9/10
Resident Evil (2002)
not bad
Havent played any of the games so had no extra reason to watch other why i'd normally watch a film. First off I knew that 'Rain'(Michelle Rodriguez) would annoy the feet off me with that dumb mean look she feel she must have on her face and was waiting for it getting ripped off. Second I wish Colin Salmon had more of a role as he just out shined everyone on with him that moment with his strong voice and presence also it's nice to see a black man in a movie these days that isn't all "yo yo big it up da bong me boy" 7/10
Reign of Fire (2002)
6/10
I guess on the whole it's okay, I was expecting a huge FX fest but well it's not and for the story it doesn't need to be and they get away with it. The problem I had was you didn't get much of a feeling of how huge the scale of the attack was. A very gray and dull screen makes the fire really stand out which I liked. For the ending I thought we'd get all the budget with a huge blow out but no. Bale is a top notch actor and I hope he really makes it to the top.
Jackass: The Movie (2002)
fun for all
I was expecting something a bit more extreme than the tv show. I laughed out loud a few times and had a grin on my face for the rest. I heard a few people in the cinema mutter that it didnt seem to last very long and I have to agree.
Queen of the Damned (2002)
over before it really starts
I was reading the book when i found out they made a movie from it and I thought 'how'? but they chopped it to bits, twisted everything and got away with it. I think 'tale of the body thief' would make a better movie. So i watched it and got into the story and was really enjoying it but the darn movie was over a good 20-30 minutes before i expected it :-( on the plus i thought lestat was played very well. 5/10 poor ending
The Bogus Witch Project (2000)
Crap
It has about 5 seconds of fun (the dog turd bit) the rest is just really boring. The same damn jokes are repeated every new 'project'. You can buy this and if you are thinking of it then save your cash because you'll watch it once and then return it or keep it stored away from your video/dvd collection as someone might see it and then start mocking. 2/10