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Reviews
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Watch the sweeping director's cut, and not the poor "action adventure" theatrical version, for an excellent epic
Kingdom of Heaven is here-and-there on historical fact, much like Gladiator. Historic personages (including the main character) are either poorly represented (again, like the main character) or represented true to their actual counter-parts (such as Saladin, famed and respected amongst the Crusaders for his chivalry and fairness).
The movie makes no pretensions concerning the notion of "good" or "evil" religions or motives, which unfortunately either mire movies in ridiculously PC "just like us!" nonsense, or portray Muslims as bloodthirsty lunatics.
In the film, they are neither. Christian men fight with and without honour, Muslim men fight with and without honour.
All that politicking aside, it is the extended director's cut which is most worth watching. Do not be fooled by the rating of seven on this site; the director's cut produces an entirely new film that is epic and grandiose, and easily worth a rating of eight.
The Green Mile (1999)
Absolutely Moving
It's rare that I'm moved to tears by a film; I'm rather hard to impress. Schindler's List, for example, almost got me crying -- almost, but not quite. The Shawshank Redemption is another one. This film, however, never fails to make me weep.
John Coffey's life as a Christ-like figure on Death Row is touching and moving. The only reason this fails to achieve a ten-vote from me is because of a certain scene involving "punishment" that seems out of character -- I'll say no more than that, but you will recognize it when you see it.
Suffice it to say there is not much to be written about this film other than that it is worthy of the highest praise; if you have not seen it, you must do so -- and if you have, then you know why it moved me to tears.
Doom House (2005)
Don't be fooled by goons freeping the vote
Ever since Something Awful went from funny but financially unsound to lazy, unfunny, and bloated by the contributions of cliquish forum nerds desperate to join some "elitist" society of half a million other nerds, SA's contributions to mainstream wit have become crippled half-thoughts not worthy of attention.
There's a reason there's an inordinate number of 10 votes, the forum goofs from Something Awful coming along and voting it up despite its lack of anything redeeming. The movie is as painfully unfunny and unintelligent as the front page and the forums, with as banal a "wit".
Give this one a pass, as it'll just line Richard Kyanka's already fat pockets.
Office Space (1999)
The ultimate office movie
I gave this film 10 out of 10 not for formal or thematic accomplishments, but because for anybody who has worked in an office cubicle (and we are a diverse species), this movie will have significant resonance. Forget American Beauty, forget Dilbert comics pinned up on the wall, *this* is the artistic piece about dead-end jobs and the social backlash that comes from them.
Office Space speaks to you on a very emotional level. The humour is a sort of light gallows humour, very cynical and hopeless, but inevitably funny. Ron Livingston does an amazing job as Peter, the hapless everyman who, after a hypnosis session gone awry, takes a new tack to the office.
If you've ever worked in an office in any capacity, pick up the film and check it out. It is the perfect way of forgetting your cubicle woes.
Lost in Translation (2003)
Utterly Horrible
First off, let me state two things: I love 'artsy' movies (ie: Amores Perros, Requiem for a Dream) and I love a well-told soap opera story, which is what this is. I'm, not that this matters, but to avert the caustic barbs of those who feel it matters, a certified, genuine, card-carrying genius.
I didn't like this movie. At all. In any way, shape, or form. It is not because I am stupid, nor because I don't appreciate the genre. It is because this film is horrible. It features only one redeeming quality, and that is the cinematography of Mr. Acord. The only reason it seems that any critic liked this film is because of a bizarre form of nepotism (a rarity for Hollywood, despite all its other failings) and the fact that it has a certain underbelly pop-girl indie-director vibe to it that makes it the trendy, beret-wearing thing du jour.
That said, the writing is boring, dry, and pointless. The direction is rigid, the acting more so. Only Murray has a fine performance, and that is more to years of expertise than to a good script. Young Scarlet is drab and morose, as are all the other characters. The soundtrack is unmemorable. And if you've spent about five minutes on the internet, you know that the supposed culture differences of Japan as portrayed on the screen are far, far deeper than shown. What little humour their is seems to be derived from the hateful bitterness of the characters and borderline racism, or at the least spiteful Amerocentric jingoism that seems to infect every fish-out-of-water film made in the past 20 years.
I suspect that once more people view this on VHS or DVD, it's score will drop dramatically as the stunning cinematography is lost on the small screen. Top 250 material, this isn't.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (2001)
A sad disappointment of a sequel. (May Contain Spoilers)
This game is the definition of wasted potential. Its a sad excuse for interactivity, and I'll tell you why.
When you first play this game, you'll be blown away. The tanker mission is amazing. The graphics are more breathtaking than the first, the gameplay is as exciting as the first. Everything is amazing.
It all goes downhill from there. It becomes a massive amount of talking, a little walking/dodging/shooting, and than even more talking.
Soon, the plot twists and turns in a convoluted, stupid way, causing a lot of nonsense. And to anybody who says that I couldn't keep up with the plot, I'll say to you this: I was predicting about half of the twists before they happened.
Sure, the game has alot of secrets, and a few tidbits of interesting interactivity, but I would much prefer being able to play a good, stealthy action game for ten minutes than watch a female hostage quickly close her legs if I try to peek up her dress, or a parrot recoil when I spray it in the face with coolant.
Also, the removal of you being able to play Solid Snake for about 90% of the game is horrible. Raiden is a pathetic character, and playing as him is garbage platforming incarnate. Kojima says he was a device to keep the CODEC in the game, as he claims the CODEC is integral, and Snake, being a seasoned veteran, wouldn't use it. Two problems: The CODEC is NOT more integral than the character of Solid Snake, and two, Snake himself spends so much time on the CODEC with you that he's obviously still in need of it. Plus, the other characters you contact by CODEC you do so once our twice, thereby making the CODEC almost completely useless.
There are no boss fights like in the original MGS to speak of. You clash with some bosses, but never kill them. If anybody claims you get to kill Vamp, think again. He gets shot up, shot in the head, etc., and you think a gut wound will kill him? Obviously not, because in the end, you can see him standing on the street watching Raiden and Snake after Raiden duels Solidus.
All this and much, much more mediocrity makes for a pathetic, overhyped let-down that I tried very hard to love but couldn't. pass this one up and just play the original Metal Gear Solid over again, which Konami would do well to remake for the PS2.
Cube (1997)
Makes me proud I'm from the same country as this flick...
Spoiler Alert A mind-boggingly amazing movie. What can I say about it? Well, for starters, it conjures up more suspence than many Hollywood action movies. The nature of the rooms and of the Cube itself is just chilling as you sit and try to figure out what the characters are trying to figure out.
And as for the characters, they are amazing. When we first meet them, they seem stereotypical, but this works to the advantage of the movie as their depth is further explored, confirming that although the stereotypes are true, their is a genuine motivation and psychology behind them (as with real human beings.)
The fact that this movie was literally shot with one primary set and maybe two more sets (for the cube exterior and hallway) at the most is just amazing. The movie is completely character driven as the people trapped within the cube go from fighting the cube itself to fighting each other.
The movie, we discover in the end, is about the inner workings of man. The characters (all named after prisons) are all prisoners of themselves, of their own negative emotions, of their own weaknesses. Quentin's brutality, Leaven's intellectual isolation, Rennes' cockiness, Kazan's innocence, Holloway's outspokeness to cover herself, Worth's empty cynacism, repeated so many times its nothing more than a mantra.
This movie is genuinely suspenceful, truly terrifying, and completely fantastic. It is the indy-art flick by which all others should be measured. To compare, it honestly puts Reservoir Dogs and El Mariachi to shame in that those were stylistic action flicks pulled with no budget, while this is a stylish suspence movie with no budget. Now which do you think is harder to do?
If you love movies, rent this one. Its beyond incredible.
Pink Floyd: The Wall (1982)
A deep film for a deep album...
A massively symbolic film version of the album by the same name, this is cinematic brilliance for anybody who's a fan of either the band, or of audio-visual symbolism. The visuals always match the audio perfectly, down to tempo, timing, mood, and emotion (such as the hectic Run Like Hell or violently introspective and massively depressing Comfortably Numb [also quite possibly the best Pink Floyd song of all time])
The film uses music and visuals (with the occasional dialogue as what would normally be 'incidental' music) to tell the story of Pink Floyd (before any pedants harass me, his last name is mentioned directly by the telephone operator,) a strung-out rocker who is partial fiction, and partially autobiographical of Roger Waters. Pink is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and he goes from seeing himself as a victimised boy to a victimising fascist demagogue. The film, like the album, relies heavily on the contrasts of peace and violence, as well as a cyclical set up. For example, the album creates a loop by opening with the lines "... we came in" and finishing with "isn't this where..." The movie does much of the same, in that it examines the cycles of hatred, power, and the usual lot. A fine example of this is the teacher who is abused at home by his "fat and psychopathic wife" and then takes his powerlessness away by excercising power over the pupils, one of whom (Pink) grows up to envision himself excercising his own power over the weak.
Another fantastic use of symbolism and imagery are the masks. To again return to the school montage (which is set to two well-known and well-done Floyd songs, Happiest Days and Brick in the Wall p2) the students all sit obediently wearing masks of conformity. However, they rip off these masks to show their true feelings which lie beneath. As can be expected, this film also relies heavily on the use walls as symbolism, and they can range from blatantly obvious to severely subtle.
On top of all this, the film makes a very good statement about the masses blindly following their idols (something which might slightly deflate your opinion of Waters' ego)
All in all, this film is a must see for any of the following types of people: Pink Floyd fans, fans of poetry, fans of cult films, fans of avante-garde movies, or just a casual moviegoer with an hour and a half to kill and a couple bucks to spare. Check it out, you won't be disappointed.