no_vampires_here Reviews

The New Look (2024– )

Excellent!

[10/10 · 10 April 2024]

I like to follow the high fashion once in a while, just for fun, but had no idea all the great designers were working together at one point. It's very strange this show got low ratings, I guess people these days forget what a show is - hint: it's not a documentary, lol.

Amazing cast: Binoche (omg), Malkovich, Mendelsohn, Maisie Williams - she is so so good in her role!

Great setting, music, editing, man I can't wait for season 2.

Ignore the haters, watch this if you're into fashion, it's very interesting how it was put together. And don't forget about Pierre Cardin, I had no idea he was so fun :D.

Constellation: Through the Looking Glass (2024) Season 1, Episode 7

A filler already?

[2/10 · 22 March 2024]

Why was this needed? It was clear already what is going on yet an entire episode with replays over and over and over... The story slowed down each episode so much.

I mean, the entire plot is kinda annoying, we also have those two insufferable male characters - the dad and the lover - the kid who keeps repeating "mama" 70 times and the cat thing who is cringe, really, Schrödinger? It didn't look smart, seriously.

The show started alright and by each episode turned into a cheap series like those on AXN years ago.

Anyway, when the old scientist started to get into this replay/realities too I just gave up, really cheap writing to fill in time to make a series.

Madame Web (2024)

The cast was great, everything else was not.

[3/10 · 15 March 2024]

I'm not into comics and I had no idea this Madame Web existed until the first trailer. From what I understood, this was supposed to be more of a static character - her powers kinda imply it. Then Dakota Johnson sounded great as a vamp like woman seeing the future and all, made an interesting superhero.

The movie is really bad put together and not in terms of editing, it's like there was no vision behind it, it's bland. I got bored multiple times, the writing was weird, many moments that were just cringe like that scene where she's looking around for something to get the taxi number plate off and the camera just goes down focusing on a piece of metal that was just... there! It looked like someone put it there for the camera to focus on. Is the director a beginner? Lol

Then the movie made me believe there are three more spider like superheroes (the girls) and I waited to see them become their best version of... nothing. Really?

I'm not going to get more into it, such a forgettable movie but honestly, Morbius was way worse :)

Sanctuary: A Witch's Tale (2024– )

An unnecessary story...

[3/10 · 16 February 2024]

They had it all, a nice setup, a small town, some drama and witches. It could have been a fresh and wonderful story thanks to the entire cast too but no, they had to ruin everything.

Basically, you could watch episode 1, 2 and 7 and you'll not be losing anything. If you ask what's in between, well the hate grows more and more, that's all. They just hate the witches until you start to ask "but what is the point, we get it, witch bad - burn the witch, ... and??".

I have no idea what happened, did nobody read the entire season's story? And the huge plot hole? The story makes you think there must be a hidden witch acting from the shadows, you expect someone to be revealed and they just skip it lmao. And the end was so rushed and dry...

Please don't make season 2, just let this go away, it was really bad.

Moby Doc (2021)

Ugh...

[1/10 · 26 December 2023]

This is a documentary about a person who wanted to be big.

He almost made it - with a few nice songs at the right moment.

But in the end he couldn't get "there" fully.

And instead of accepting the fact like any grown up, he thought "waaaa I wanna be big waaaa waaaa" and so, he started doing documentaries about himself.

Being actually big.

But he's not, he's average big.

Very average.

Alas! For this gray shadow, once a man- So glorious in his beauty and thy choice, Who madest him thy chosen, that he seem'd To his great heart none other than a God!

I ask'd thee, 'Give me immortality.' Then didst thou grant mine asking with a smile, Like wealthy men, who care not how they give ...

If you believe - clap your hands!!!

Dark Gathering (2023– )

Lots of questionable decisions

[4/10 · 28 November 2023]

It's a fun anime if you're into dark genre but the writing is a turn off for me. Things don't make sense even though it's a fantastic animation series.

Keitaro Gentoga - the forever scared boy. He never learns, each episode is the same, he doesn't know anything, has no brain, he never gets accustomed with scary things. This is fine in the beginning but gets annoying after 10 episodes. Oh and he has no personality either.

Yayoi Hozuki - the genius little girl. We don't know why is she so smart other than "she's into ghosts". Each episode she acts like a grown up person and it's kind of weird.

Eiko Hozuki - she's in the show because they needed someone with huge breasts. Oh and to drive the other two around in a car. Other than this, she has big breasts.

The horror is added piece by piece and I liked this up until they decided to add some Hentai in the show too - episode 19 - I mean what? Keitaro is a BOY... oh and fowl language too.

Overall the show is ok but get's messy with the characters and story just to shock and surprise, too bad it's made wrong.

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

Couldn't watch it to the end

[3/10 · 6 October 2023]

This is the weirdest directing I've ever seen in a movie, special mention to the editing part that made everything even more confusing and boring.

Basic TV movies are more entertaining than this and... based on Stephen King's amazing novel? How can someone ruin a beautiful horror story like this?

There were about 20 minutes left and all I could think was "what in the H am I watching?!".

This to be avoided, just know there is no "horror" in this movie and no direction whatsoever. Feels like someone had the money to play "let's direct a movie and then go eat pizza because I don't even care..."

Nope (2022)

And?

[1/10 · 29 August 2022]

Horror - Mistery - Sci-Fi

Where? What's horror in this movie? Mistery... maybe, a bit, Sci-Fi... I wouldn't call it that, it's not really.

It looks like they watched that Star Trek episode (with the UFO like entity) and said "let's make that an UFO and call it a movie".

Bad acting, boring shots, weird pace and last but not least: what was the point? What's this movie really about because it's not clear.

In conclusion: watch the Trailer and stop, you'll forget this movie after it ends.

_____ Here IMDB:

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The Sandman (2022– )

Very interesting

[10/10 · 6 August 2022]

I'm not into comics but I found this as a pure gem. It's very interesting and creative, it surprised me - love the cast - omg Brienne of Tarth :D - and the story. After four episodes I can't wait to see what happens next!

Apollo 18 (2011)

Horrible editing

[2/10 · 3 August 2022]

I just couldn't watch more than 20 minutes, the constant image flickering to make it look like "old footage" is so so bad I started to get dizzy. No wonder this style got canceled fast, who enjoys watching shaky cameras, seriously it's just lazy editing for the sake of it...

Love, Death & Robots (2019– )

Kinda empty

[6/10 · 26 May 2022]

I always watch this, I like the format and the creativity but I wish they would spend less time on the looks and more on the stories. All episodes look perfect, 2D or 3D, but the stories are weak and many are predictable and it becomes a nice gallery of animations with few things to tell. It's like looking at some nice NFT's :D.

For the producers of these episodes I would say: a good story doesn't need so much work. People can easily ignore the lack of a good rendering or animated frames if the story is ok.

Outer Range (2022– )

Too stretched

[5/10 · 3 May 2022]

I like mysteries and I like the cowboy drama/sci fi weirdness of this show but it doesn't have a direction.

Clearly everyone is in for the black hole thingy yet we get so much "ranch drama" around that I don't understand what's the idea. I mean after 5 episodes it starts to look like Dallas. With a weirdness.

Beautiful shots, good actors - way too many dark scenes > so annoying - interesting little story but... it fails short in many areas. I can't connect with a character, nobody is likeable - maybe Royal and his wife a bit - the mystery is so stretched, omg enough stretching, feels like watching some farm family drama with a mystery that's ignored way too much - it makes you ignore it and not care. So why should I watch it?

I can't jump to Episode 6, it lost me, I feel like wasting time looking at some stuff happening with no sense just for the sake of it...

The Batman (2022)

Like a police drama with a comicon dude...

[2/10 · 19 April 2022]

10 stars for Robert Pattinson 2 stars for the whole thing

The movie is incredibly boring and there's no "special hero" elements - a guy that decides to save people in distress is just that, what was the point of Batman suit/vigilante?

Why do they make these comic book characters so realistic? The entire charm/fantasy is the character and the special things it has, not a normal guy with a personal drama - like the rest of 1 million Cop TV Series...

Expected THE BATMAN, his TECH, his GENIUS, his AMAZING FIGHTING CHOREOGRAPHY - there is nothing special about him in this movie beside his EMO FACE...

Another Life (2019–2021)

Let's be real a little

[26 October 2021]

It is a Sci-Fi alright but what is going on with the characters?! They're so illogical and unreal - how can you setup a space mission with everyone being interested on personal feelings first? I mean... lmao what is this nonsense? Not to mention murderers?!!

And I get the diversity and political correctness but please, if you get black/hispanics/asians/whateva actors >>> find ones that can act ffs!

Howl from Beyond the Fog (2019)

It was nice

[15 August 2021]

I liked it, nothing amazing but it was ok - congrats for the sculpting, music and story!

I gave 7 stars because of the puppets (the monster was GREAT!). The thing is, when your focus is on a puppet > make that puppet look good, not to mention move it nicely. The entire movie I've seen many mistakes where it was clear the puppeteer's hand was not doing the right thing. Also, why the lack of joints? I've seen cheap Barbie dolls with more joints than these puppets, come on.

Anyway, maybe next time go with stop-motion, it's what I was thinking the entire movie. And sorry to say but I enjoyed more the making off than the actual movie.

Goog luck in your next projects!

Settlers (2021)

It's just no point

[3/10 · 10 July 2021]

I gave 3 stars for that cute little robot because the entire movie is a weak silly story with no meaning. I can't believe I watched it!

Invincible (2021– )

Great series

[10/10 · 28 March 2021]

Never heard of Invincible as I'm not into comics but boy was I shocked! Did not see that coming :D

Need much more of this!

Debris (2021)

Fun subject but...

[3/10 · 23 March 2021]

In the first three episodes I looked for nice character features to be able to connect, to like, to... care. Unfortunately the main characters are so boring, it's like they can change them with new actors and I wouldn't care. They tried to give them a backstory, some drama-lama but cut it short. They're so so dry especially Jonathan Tucker - dude is acting like it's his first movie.

Then now, at episode 4 it's like the writers gave up already. So many illogical things happen in their talk that makes you think "what's the point of saying this?". Why this and why that... really bad writing.

If it wasn't for all those alien artifacts I would give this zero stars and forget about it. A SciFi without a soul...

Resident Alien (2021– )

Loving it!

[10/10 · 30 January 2021]

So good! I hope they make 10 episodes at least before canceling it. Because it will get cancelled... we have a white and blond male doctor as the main character. I bet someone somewhere is preparing a petition because is "not politically correct"...

The Midnight Sky (2020)

What a waste of a budget!

[1/10 · 25 December 2020]

Why do people cast Clooney in SciFi movies? He doesn't have the face for it, he plays the classical macho man everywhere, even in Ads, even in 1820 when he was born...

Anyway, the movie is boring and predictable even if you think the Trailer is interesting. Nope, it's a boring movie filled with illogical things in different contexts.

1. A ship flying through space, the most boring idea that can create problems? That's right: meteors! Wow what a shocker.

2. A cosmonaut sees blood inside her helmet? No, don't rush to the emergency pod, just stay there and ask for help. slowwwly. Then another one comes to the rescue. Will he rush to help? Nope, he just stays there thinking "what is going on?" - I mean there's blood in a life and death situation, do something useful!

3. In the pod nobody tries to calm down the poor bleeding woman, instead all panic and a complet moron of a coleague keeps repeating the victim's name (Maya) like 100 times. I was thinking who the hell wrote this crap...

There's more but not worth mentioning. Oh and Clooney's personal drama ruins the entire movie. Please dude, retire, go ride horses somwhere on a ranch...

One Step Behind the Seraphim (2017)

Very good movie!

[10/10 · 18 November 2020]

Finally a new take on romanian movies. Loved the story, the acting and the actors, very very good job!!

Antebellum (2020)

What is this mess?

[28 October 2020]

There is so much cringe in this movie... please IMDB, add negative score because 1 star is too much!!

Away (2020)

So much drama!

[7 September 2020]

They had the budget, the actors, the context and they needed to ruin everything with cheap drama and extremely weird crew dynamic.

Again, what's with the giant drama, people? It's like watching an ongoing funeral in space. It cuts any chance to connect with this show and enjoy. I'm at episode 2 and there's no way in hell I will get to the next one as it managed to destroy any mood I had to watch it.

Such a fail...

Tales from the Loop (2020)

The poster is the only good thing!

[5 April 2020]

It was excruciating to watch and I felt some panic attacks coming while watching it. Terrible show, terrible pace sustained by the most uninteresting characters. The story is empty and so so so bland. Stay away or prepare for a show that will make you regret being born...

Vagrant Queen (2020)

Hello cliché!

[29 March 2020]

It's like a collection of cringe moments :)

I don't mind the really bad CGI, costumes and so on but the main character is so not interesting. Empty characters and copy/paste elements from other movies or games. Really bad production with nothing original. AND it has that MTV cheap and PC show style which is really really awful.