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2/10
Good performances can't save a terrible script.
26 April 2003
Warning: Spoilers
Here's what's good about "The Slaughter Rule:"

--Ryan Gosling, Clea Duvall, and David Morse all give great performances. Gosling is, as always, pretty darn outstanding. The locales are often breathtaking.

Here's what's bad about "The Slaughter Rule:"

--Everything else. The script is horribly muddled. And while I can certainly appreciate a non-"feel good" movie, this movie is just boring. Great performances can't make-up for a movie with a stupid premise and a script that is filled with throw-away lines that often don't even make it sense. Just getting through the first hour became a chore.

I stuck with it because of Gosling, but eventually I did myself a favor and changed the channel. Spoilers on here relayed the ending to me. I didn't miss much. Do yourself a favor--if you want a good Gosling flick, check out "The Believer."

My score: 2 out of 10.
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Highway (I) (2002)
7/10
NOT a waste of time.
26 April 2003
Count me in to the camp of people who are unable to fathom reviews of this movie that say it's a complete waste of time.

"Citizen Kane" it is certainly not. But it *is* an entertaining, fairly fresh road trip movie. Leto, Gyllenhaal, and Blair all give good performances.

I consulted the reviews on here before sitting down to catch this flick on cable late at night, and decided that I'd give it 20 minutes to prove itself either worthy of 1:45 of my time, or worthy of all the bad reviews it's picked up on here. Needless to say, I watched the whole film.

"Highway" is a decent off-beat comedy with some very memorable lines and a nice undercurrent of life-long friendship. Check it out... and, remember, "the world is divided into two groups of people-- pandas and alligator-boys." ;)

My score: 7 out of 10.
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American Nightmare (2002 Video)
1/10
I'd rather be poked repeatedly in the eye with a pointy stick than be forced to watch this movie again.
20 August 2002
"American Nightmare" is officially tied, in my opinion, with "It's Pat!" for the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

Seven friends (oddly resembling the K-Mart version of the cast of "Friends") gather in a coffee shop to listen to American Nightmare, a pirate radio show. It's hosted by a guy with a beard. That's the most exciting aspect of his show.

Chandler, Monica, Joey, and... oh wait, I mean, Wayne, Jessie, and the rest of the bad one-liner spouting gang all take turns revealing their biggest fears to the bearded DJ. Unbeknownst to them, a crazed nurse/serial killer is listening...

Crazy Nurse then proceeds to torture Ross and Rachel and... wait, sorry again... by making their fears come to life. These fears include such stunners as "voodoo" and being gone down on by old ladies with dentures.

No. Really.

This movie was, in a word, rotten. Crazy Nurse's killing spree lacks motivation, there's nothing to make the viewer "jump," the ending blows, and--again--voodoo?

If you have absolutely no regard for your loved ones, rent "American Nightmare" with them.

If you care for your loved ones--even a little bit--go to your local Blockbuster, rent all of the copies of "American Nightmare" and hide them in your freezer.
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1/10
Friends don't let friends view "It's Pat."
20 August 2002
"It's Pat" makes "The Ladies Man" look like "The Godfather."

Do yourself a favor: if you come across this movie on television, run. Run far, far away.

My sincere condolences to those who actually paid to see this in the theater.
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Longshot (2001)
1/10
Thank God for Fast Forward
17 August 2002
I'll admit it-- I rented this movie for the *NSYNC cameos. And I'd say that they were the only good part of the film, but--considering I resorted to watching the entire thing in fast forward after the first 10 minutes of cinematic torture, scoping out the *NSYNC parts as I went--I might not be totally fit to comment.

On a good note, *NSYNC's cameos--especially those by Chris, JC, and Joey--are light and funny.

On a bad note, the rest of the film is absolute garbage.

If you didn't think Lou Pearlman sucked before watching this movie, you will afterwards. In fact, much like *NSYNC, you'll want to sue Big Lou afterwards... to get your time and money back.
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4/10
Freddie Prinze Jr. punches like a 12 year-old girl
17 August 2002
Freddie Prinze Jr. punches like a twelve year-old girl. Fortunately his latest film, Head Over Heels, is best suited for that very same Teen Beat-reading audience... and absolutely no one else.

Prinze plays Jim Winston, an asthmatic FBI agent who unexpectedly bumps into Amanda (Monica Potter), an art restorer looking for a man to make her go weak in the knees. First knee-weakening rights actually go the massive Great Dane Jim is dog-walking, and the pooch becomes the catalyst for Jim and Amanda's initial meeting when he gets looses, runs down Amanda, and begins humping her. Along that line, Jim and Amanda's ensuing relationship can best be described as "love at first hump."

After finding her previous boyfriend (Timothy Olyphant) in bed with another woman, Amanda has just left him and moved into an absolutely gorgeous apartment with "the last four non-smoking models in Manhattan." Jim, conveniently enough, lives in an apartment just across the way--and within view of Amanda's new pad. In fact, Amanda and her rail-thin roomies spend a great deal of their time watching Jim, who despite being a tough, undercover agent, is apparently deathly afraid of closing his blinds. Then again, in a city as friendly as The Big Apple, why would anyone want to close their blinds?

During one of these Jim-ogling sessions, however, Amanda watches Jim and a lady friend return and (gasp!) shut the blinds. She then sees what she thinks is Jim clubbing his companion to death. Did her dream just brutally murder a young woman? Could this dog-walking stud be a cold-hearted killer? And where did he get those cute eggshell blinds?

Since this movie is definitely a contender for Best Picture... well, at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, perhaps... I won't spoil the ending, though it does involve smuggled diamonds, a fashion show, car chases, some yelling, and the Russian mob. What I will say is that this movie misses several opportunities to cash in on hi-quality laughs, and instead often resorts to toilet humor.

Amanda's model roommates (played by real-life models Shalom Harlow, Sarah O'Hare, Tomiko Fraser, and Ivana Milicevic) provide some of the funniest moments of the film. For instance, Candi (O'Hare), the blond Aussie bombshell, has several cosmetic surgeries throughout the film at the requests of her handlers. First her earlobes are asymmetrical, then there's something wrong with her nose, and finally her eyes... from which comes some delightfully silly slapstick humor. It is obvious that all four of the models are having fun with their roles, knowing full well that this isn't exactly Casablanca that they're co-starring in. Hell, it's not even Clueless.

Unfortunately, this sense of over-the-top fun and self-ridicule displayed by the models is not used enough. Instead, it is passed over in favor of gross-out humor, such as in an unfortunately memorable scene in which Amanda and three of the four models break into Jim's apartment to search for evidence that might reveal his suspected homicidal tendencies. Of course, Jim returns earlier than expected and the three runway gals hide in the shower. Jim then spends considerable gastro-time in the bathroom himself, odoriferously exorcising his digestive demons. The models treat us to a good thirty seconds of cringing, nose pinching, and squirming. Personally, I would have preferred more outrageous "Worship me, pity me... sigh... I'm a model" banter--or even another operation for Candi. Incidentally, if Prinze was hoping to make the career transition to "grown-up actor" with this role, as has been suggested, someone definitely should have advised him that impressive cinematic flatulence does not constitute growth as an actor.

All of that said, if Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is one of your favorite movies, give Head Over Heels a try. If you're too young to remember Reagan's presidency, give Head Over Heels a try. If you're pre-bed ritual involves kissing all of your Freddie Prinze Jr. posters goodnight, give Head Over Heels a try. Otherwise, you can wait until this bonanza of often-gross humor, occasionally laughable lines, and missed opportunities comes to cable.
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