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Reviews
The Open House (2018)
A movie or a mish mash of cuttings on the editing floor?
I don't know much about movie making, but I wonder how anyone with an IQ of 30 could make something this bad. I think Netflix owes me a year's worth of fee, for making me watch this abomination of a motion picture. I say motion picture, because there was motion...and it was a picture, but this was a work so bad....so pitiful....so aimless it defies description. A reasonable premise.....dad is killed....poor mom and son go to a relatives mountain cabin...then...what? Weird things happen.....cell phones disappear....strange sounds......mom gets tied up then a stranger murdered in car, then son drinks from a river then he's dead...? This movie is the answer to this question: If your canoe ends up on the 50 yard line of the football stadium, what time is it when your dog barks after you drink wine?
The 2nd (2020)
Worse than the virus
It is likely the worst movie with a big star I have EVER seen. Hard to fathom how bad this is. Acting is wooden. Plot has potential until it starts. Action scenes are so stupid they're comical. Towards the end ....are the son and girlfriend (?) really going to take time to make out when ruthless operatives are after them?? Dis they really let the head of the CIA just casually walk away? Who can think up something this hideous. It was a fitting end to 2020......
2036 Origin Unknown (2018)
In space, or my den, no one can hear you scream
Wow is this a horrible waste of time. Can I cut my 1 star in 5th's and give it 1/5th of a star? 95 minutes of my life I will never have back. I am all the poorer mentally for having watched this. It's boring....very convoluted and makes no sense. It seems like it wants to make a statement, but really says nothing decipherable at all.
Through a horribly hard to follow plot, meandering on about a failed mission to Mars, somehow the machine decides to end the human race...? What? The special effects are not special at all. I've watched horrible movies before and while this isn;t the worst, it's certainly in the discussion. It has a hint of 2001 in it, about as much as my golf swing has a hint of Tiger Woods in it. We both hold onto the club....thats the only thing in common. 2001 was made in 1968 and the filming is infinitely better. Save 95 minutes of your life, and go watch paint dry. You will be much happier and more fulfilled.
Wild (2014)
Boring selfish and arrogant
Since I just left my first ever "1" review for WTF, I won't give this a 1. I am surprised so many people rate this film so highly. I am with the many many who give it an extremely low grade. Many people have a lot of challenges in their life. Not all become foul mouthed slutty whack jobs who go off the deep end and decide to hike a trail with virtually no experience. To prove what? To "find yourself"? To exorcise demons of your past? To prove some point that 'hey I screwed up my life......I'll go on a hike'? Life is a summation of some luck, but mainly choices and decisions you make. This lady made some very poor decisions, and rather than take any ownership seems to blame everyone else. Attempting to be some sort of feminist poster child she instead shows us her life in endless flashbacks that were hard to keep track of, and done in a manner to make the movie almost unwatchable. As for the scenery, I live in the desert so it did nothing for me. I would not waste 2 hours on this film, but sadly I did and will never get those 2 hours back.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016)
worthless
I have been watching movies since I was A very small child and saw Sound of Music. I have seen a lot of terrible movies, but this is seriously in the top 3 worst EVER. It is NOT a comedy.....it is not compelling......the subject matter is way off target......a couple of lame one liners, but that can't begin to make up for a forgettable script. It it so unwatchable...(and I am at my mountain cabin) I want to go clean up my yard in the dark.........I won't write a spoiler because I am writing this before the movie is over...and I will NOT watch the end. This is a Red Box movie....whatever the $ 1.33 I spent would have been better used wiping up the spill from my dinner......don't waste your money....watch SNL instead if you want to laugh at Tina.
The Steam Experiment (2009)
Chaos
I rent DVD's to pass the time on airplanes. Sadly, staring out at the clouds would have been better entertainment than this. I am not the best movie critic....I don't want to have to go back to college to figure out what a movie is about. In this Chaos, I didn't know if I was watching a psycho describe an event in real time, a past event, or a delusion that was only in his mind. This reminds me of Jacob's Ladder.....you never really knew what you were watching. The slow motion scenes in the spa were disjointed, and painfully slow to get through. If there was any sense at all of hot, sweaty panic, it was lost with the switching back to a particularly unappealing Val Kilmer sitting at an empty table staring into space. Finally, the ending was exactly the sort of finish I hate. You can guess and make presumptions, but you really have absolutely no idea what you just watched.