ChrisMichael81 Reviews

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014 TV Movie)

The Whimsical Adventure We All Deserved.

[10/10 · 30 July 2014]

After viewing the tour DE force that was the original Sharknado (2013), most viewers were left in awe, and with a roaring hunger to enter this magical world again. Thankfully these brave viewers did not have to suffer for long as the Man Wizard, Anthony C. Ferrante, quickly got to work on his next masterpiece, Sharknado 2. Naturally Sharknado 2 was given the title "The Second One". What else would you call it. He quickly enlisted the A List of Tara Reid, and Ian Zering. Both probably swamped with scripts from the likes of the Coen Brothers and Tarantino said, "We need to revisit this story". And with that the world won that day. It is hard to think that a movie can end wars, hunger, famine, rape, but this movie can. I can imagine that after the national viewing tonight that the war raging in Isreal will likely sease and a wave of global peace and harmony will overtake the gentle minds of a soft warm generation. This is the movie we asked for, this is the movie the world deserved.

King of the Nerds (2013–2015)

The most cringe worthy television show of all time.

[1/10 · 21 February 2013]

By many respects I would be considered a "nerd". I game, I read fantasy novels and I prefer fantasy characters to real humans. The creators of this show are furthering the idea that if you wear glasses, you are a nerd. Are the people on this show legitimate "nerds"? Yes they probably are. That is not the problem with this show.

The problem with this show is that it shows decent looking people who are not socially awkward and parades them around in the absolute worst way possible. The people that should be on this show are the 300 pound acne ridden basement dwellers. If this show recruited from 4chan then I would probably watch it.

Lastly, the girl with the pink hair should be banished from our planet.

TimeScapes (2012)

Astonishing and Brilliant.

[10/10 · 11 June 2012]

What can I say about "Timescapes" other than it is pure brilliance. The photography of this film will blow your mind. Every single second, every single shot is brilliantly crafted to leave you in a state of amazement.

This is said to be the first film shot in 4k resolution to be sold to the public. I had the pleasure of viewing it in 1440p and can say I have seen no finer quality. I can only imagine the experience of viewing this film in its 4k resolution but plan on it very soon.

As you watch the stars pass over in brilliant time-lapse you are left with the notion of how small and insignificant we are to the vastness of the cosmos.

The score meshes with the imagery with perfection and creates a viewing experience not to be forgotten. It seems that no detail was considered insignificant to the filmmaker. This is my first experience with this director and I can only understate how impressed I am.

From what I understand the director lived out of a truck for 2 years to craft this film. To anyone who is considering this, it is not a something you view once, it is something you will be glad to own and share with people. This is the first true 10 I have rated. Bravo to the creator!

I simply cannot recommend this film enough.

Allen Gregory (2011–2023)

Dear Jonah Hill,, Stop it,, Just Stop it.

[1/10 · 6 November 2011]

Awful. There is no word in any language that could describe this show more appropriately. After various hits such as Family Guy and American Dad, both of which are funny, they give us Allen Gregory. The main character is basically Stewie Griffin, just trite and obnoxiously unfunny. I had no opinion of Jonah Hill going into this show and I tried to like it, being as it is crammed in the middle of Animation Domination. I struggled finding the angle that this show was using to sell itself. I read that this show is smart and witty. Nope. My best guess and opinion that the angle the creator took was too annoy the audience. I don't see how this would work but then again if I saw this pilot I would laugh the creator out of my office. After watching South Park for half my life maybe I am hard to impress. I can say with absolute sureness that this show will go no longer that one season, if even that. Rule one. When you are making a character, make them likable. I think that Handiquack's was a much better idea then this trash.

Footloose (2011)

Finally a Movie just for Stupid people.

[1/10 · 14 October 2011]

Let me start here by pleading to the ignorant masses that are going to see these movies and are responsible for Hollywood making more of them. Please stop! There was a time in cinema where production companies had to come up with great ideas. That time is over. The thought that there could be people who liked this movie makes me scared for the population of America. First off, you can't ban dancing or music. A quick search of The American Constitution would have cleared that up for you. Secondly and just as importantly, just because a movie could be remade does not mean you have to. I understand how popular the first one was and there are some people out there who don't know what a book is who will give you their money. This doesn't mean you have to remake it. To the people that did pay to see this. Thank you for validating the theory of the producers of this trash that Americans are stupid and would really like this. Thanks for that!

American Horror Story (2011– )

Real Horror Fans Will Like It.

[10/10 · 12 October 2011]

There are so many things that could have gone wrong with F.X. attempting to take on a genre that American Film makers have turned into a high school idiot machine. Thankfully the people who made this know what they are doing. If you are a horror buff you will understand what I am talking about after a couple of viewings. It could have been so easy to make a high school shock fest all wrapped up for a safe and appropriate viewing experience. This show is weird, deranged, creepy, and best off all well acted and well written. Great character development that is based on things people would actually do if they faced that situation. This show really does have a bright future if they keep rolling at this pace. I must say, I am very impressed. Almost Walking Dead impressed. This show though is way more deranged then Walking Dead though. Keep it up F.X. . You have a potential winner on your hands. This show of course is not for everybody. The people who don't like it would be better served by watching something a little more tame and mediocre like Tera Nova.

The Caller (2011)

Decent

[5/10 · 18 September 2011]

Screened this film tonight and didn't hate it by the end. The premise basically is ripped off from five or so movies. But with that being said you don't notice that. The film is dark and creepy. What was confusing is the time period in this movie really can't be placed. It seemed like current time, but then all of the props were from the 1980's. There were a few things that made this movie actually kinda creepy. The dark abysmal setting and the old women was just strange. She made the movie much more watchable. Without her and this movie would have just been terrible. The main actress was OK enough. Wasn't bad at all and kinda hot. The music in the film made me like it more. Creepy and unobtrusive. How it should be in my opinion. I wouldn't go out of my way to recommend it but not that bad of a watch if you are into creepy films.

Uninhabited (2010)

A fine effort.

[8/10 · 21 August 2011]

Let me preface this by saying there were many things that annoyed the hell out of me about this movie. Even so I would still recommend it on a limited basis. First off, I wouldn't altogether classify this as a horror film. A ghost story yes, was it horrifying? No. Overall it had very nice scenery, solid acting, and a pretty actress. There were many details that were bothersome. Please don't make the score of your film an hour of a girl panting. In fact just don't have a girl panting at all. It's been done and it's just plain cliché and sloppy at this point. Second, distinguishing night and day in a film or any story is a very important thing. You can't have multiple scenes were a character gets up in the morning, walks out to the beach, looks around ,, and walks back into the setting sun. What is that? It didn't happen once, it happened more than 3 times. Day literally lasted for seconds in this film. Other than that the story was descent and I didn't hate it so.. yeah. A mild tolerable watch.

The Whistleblower (2010)

Male hatred

[11 August 2011]

This film was great. As great as it is, it is also very important to tell the story of what went on here. All this being said, I find it hard to believe that every single man shown in this film, especially the ones that have nothing to do with the story line, were pigs. The movie seemed to generalize every man as being a sex crazed Dbag. Now do not get me wrong, I liked the movie, loved what it stood for and I am very aware of the significance of the story it tells. But I think it went way overboard to the point of explicit gender bashing. Historically accurate, I cannot say. If so then I take back my review. I would still recommend this movie.

Repeaters (2010)

Groundhogs day for Crackheads

[8 August 2011]

Where do I even start with this trash. Dear Arne Olson, Stop it. Just stop it. I can't begin to understand how a sane person could sit down to create a movie and think, "I have an idea. How about we make Groundhogs day. But this time it will be about a few drug abusing lunatics." The acting was amateur at best. I can't altogether blame the actors as the dialogue of the script likely resembled a high school play. The character's were very difficult to identify with in any way. What bother's me the most is that there are two people on earth, the writer, and the director who actually think that this is a real mind twisting, deep, original work of cinema. I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone outside of an animal in a coma.

Falling Skies (2011–2015)

Terrible

[1/10 · 26 June 2011]

I had high expectations for this show. I love shows about Aliens so I was able to overlook many bad things about this show. I wanted it to be good so badly. So after watching the first two episodes I will not be watching anymore. The show seems very unpolished and low budget. If I didn't know any better I would say that it was made by the untalented idiots that make shows for the ScyFy network. Out of every Alien design I have seen, this is the worst. The acting is pretty bad and reminds me of a day time soap opera. The CGI,, they easily could of won me over with some good looking bots but again they look terrible. Of course Spielberg slaps his name on this junk. I also don't understand why it seems they go out of their way to throw in the God factor. I really think they are trying to capture the Christian audience. Suffice to say if this show makes it past one season I will give all of my money to charity.

Dawning (I) (2009)

Nice Try

[1/10 · 31 May 2011]

There seems to be 2 favorable reviews of this film which I find very hard to believe. Rest assured that the 2 reviews were given by the same person. The movie tried very hard. The director really gave a go at an artsy type of horror film. Much in the way of films such as AntiChrist or evening The Shining. The problem was that the director didn't have any directions.(Imagine that). The only bonus to the film was I thought the girl in it was pretty hot and could possibly go somewhere with her acting I guess. The score was pretty much stolen from a hundred other movies which bothered me. To the director and writer. Yes it is fine to be vague with who or what your antagonist is. If done correctly you can add suspense to a film. But not so freaking vague that after the people watching and thinking, well that explained nothing and wasted my time.

Abandoned (2010 Video)

As bad as it gets

[1/10 · 20 August 2010]

I don't know if I should feel bad about what I'm about to say seeing as Mrs Murphy is dead but whatever. Simply put this movie was terrible. Everyone in the movie came off as being in the wrong place. There were a few actors that seemed like their acting skills would be best served in the adult entertainment industry. Brittany Murphy looked like she was about to die. Whoever did her hair should probably not work in films or be near anyone's hair again ,,, EVER. It was kinda hard to watch her. She reminded me of a skeleton with hair gel and huge artificial lips. So the story. A woman goes to the hospital with her boyfriend and she loses him and could not find him. Well that's pretty much it. I wouldn't even recommend renting this one. It makes no sense, it is not believable, the story, acting and everything else is beyond terrible.

6 Souls (2010)

Not a Horror Movie

[1/10 · 28 July 2010]

I had a chance to view this film last night and will give you my opinion. Dear whoever directed and wrote this, You had a great actress, you had a somewhat decent budget. Said actress has a decent following and can create buzz around your film. So why did you decide to copy an X-Files episode and turn it into some type of religious trash propaganda? I like suspended disbelief. You could say that I enjoy it and usually give any movie the benefit of the doubt and just play along. This movie however was so unbelievable I could not contain myself. It was as if the writers wanted you to not take the actions of the characters seriously. Now on another note, just because you add some type of Christian/whatever undertone to the main story does not make the story any more scary or entertaining. The exorcist was great but you didn't have to revisit it. Lastly what desperately needs to be pointed out. THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE. I can give you fifty examples of what is a "Horror" movie but can assure you this is not it. A crappy thriller would have been more suiting.

Rubicon (2010)

So Much Potential

[9/10 · 27 July 2010]

First off the vote 9/10 I gave has not been earned yet but reflects the potential this show has.

Going only by the pilot I found this show engaging, intriguing and yet very subtle. The potential plot directions are very exciting in my opinion. It had an "X-files" feel to it and the Sci-Fi nerd in me hopes that it develops in that way. I'm not necessarily looking for aliens here but the thought did cross my mind. To me the only Television shows that have really pulled off the genre/topic are "The X-files" and any version of "Star Trek". Please don't give me V or any other variation of "Independence Day" (Which was still a great movie).

The acting, cinematography, art direction, and writing were all well crafted. Coming from the network that gave us "Breaking Bad" and "Mad Men", I expect good things from this show. In the coming months it will be really exciting to see where the story goes but as I saw in an earlier review it is far too soon to tell.

Slaughter (I) (2009)

A little advice to the Creator's

[1/10 · 6 June 2010]

First of all this movie is not a horror movie. Second of all I understand that this was a low budget film. But just because it is low budget does not mean the actors have to be beyond terrible and the writing can be this bad. Third and this is the most important advice you really need to follow. The score of a film is meant to create and enhance the flow of the images and dialogue on the screen. Using it to create tension in a horror movie works really well. Instead you choose to play one crappy obscure emo rock song after another. I got the feeling that this entire film was made to show us someones terrible choice in musical taste's. Lastly I implore you to go and watch some good horror films that had less of a budget than your film, trust me there are many and how they made film into art. Not blow money on mindless trash.

The Cry of the Owl (2009)

Exceptional and Very Under-rated

[8/10 · 2 June 2010]

Coming from the viewpoint of a person who had neither heard of this movie or known of the novel, I was pleasantly surprised. The story in itself was cleverly presented by exceptional acting. This is not a Hollywood blockbuster by any means but was effective. The music and cinematography were nothing special but still feel like this complimented a compelling story. After watching I do feel like there were a few psychological undertones to this film that leave you with an uneasy feeling while watching. All of the characters were highly developed and nearing the end you will understand what I mean. For a movie many have never heard of, I would recommend it without a doubt.

The New Daughter (2009)

Is this a joke?

[1/10 · 4 May 2010]

So being the horror buff that I am, I was blown away that this trash got 6 stars. I almost fell out of my seat when I read the review above me that this was an original plot. I am guessing that person is associated with the film company. The plot is not original, so sorry to burst your bubble there. The film was in no way shape or form scary. I will agree that some ten year old's might find this movie a bit scary. What I found most intriguing is that it seemed at some point in shooting the film Costner realized how bad it was and started to not care anymore. There are so may things at fault I could point out but I will keep this brief. The cat goes missing. I was so surprised, cause this is a totally original idea mind you, to find that the cat was killed. The person who wrote that sub plot deserves an award. Now on to what bothered me the most. The score of the film, in particularly the sound effects of the film were what they relied on for the jump out of your seat factor. The sound editor found it necessary to add sound effects to absolutely everything. This is most evident when Costner is in the tunnel with the flash light. So being a producer, musician I was particularly bothered by this. Lastly to the writers, directors, etc. . Go out and rent foreign horror films. Start with "Let the right one in". Then I want you to watch "Martyr's". Then watch your film and promptly destroy any evidence of its existence.

Dark Country (2009)

Umm,,,,, What?

[4/10 · 28 September 2009]

So many problems with this movie. First of all the story made no sense whatsoever. It's almost as if they were following the book then realized there was no ending. When they realized there was no ending they gave up and figured we can let the audience make one up. The atmosphere of the movie was a little creepy and they really could have built off of this. But they had to ruin it with a terrible selection of music. The score did not complement the atmosphere the creators had captured. The acting was nothing memorable but was better than most "F list" movies. I went with a 4 as this movie is a step up from watchable but it will leave you with a troubling feeling of "What were they thinking?".

Michael & Michael Have Issues (2009)

Terrible

[17 July 2009]

Even advertising this show during South park will not save this show from it's inevitable cancellation. The show is not funny, the content is not funny, the writing is not funny, and the stars of the show are just annoying. Comedy Central really failed with this one for a few reason's. Totally unoriginal content being portrayed by comedian's who do food commercials is fail. After giving us comedy staples such as South Park, Reno 911, John Stewart, Steven Colbert, and the most recent success of Sarah Silverman they give us this? Give the show two months and gone. Don't waste your time here. If this is Comedy Central's response to "Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job" they are way off.

Splinter (I) (2008)

Solid Movie

[7/10 · 8 April 2009]

I did not expect much from this film and I was very pleasantly surprised. The Scifi Channel should watch this movie, study it and take notes. This movie excelled with a very low budget. And why you might ask? Character development!!! A major element that most horror and hell Hollywood for that matter don't really understand. The fact that I actually liked the characters and are pulling for them goes a long way in whether or not you walk out on a film or not. Over all a solid movie,, mind you not the best movie but I like the effort that they showed with such a horrible idea to begin with. Official Chickencow Review,,, Unaffiliated with any Movie Company

The Children (2008)

The Real Review

[7/10 · 2 April 2009]

Being a Horror Film person I have seen them all and was not expecting much from the trash that is flushed out to us. But I'm pleased to tell you that this movie was a nice surprise. The plot was basic, the characters were believable, and the movie had a nice pace. To most the premise itself seems to have been done before but No it has not the way that this film does it. All is revealed in this film and the cause is actually believable. I would highly recommend this film to anyone that enjoys horror films. The people that got on to give this one a low score obviously know nothing about the genre and need to go rate movies like High school musical or Paul Blart the Mall Cop. Official Chickencow post unaffiliated with any Film Company

Screamers: The Hunting (2009 Video)

Awful

[1/10 · 1 February 2009]

First off let me say I wanted to like this movie. But it went out of it's way to change my mind. Gina Holden was terrible. She played a soldier, but she looked like a 12 year old in military clothing. The terrible writing was a nice compliment to the terrible acting and casting. How movies like this get funding baffles me. Avoid this movie unless you really have nothing in the world better to do than waste 2 and a half hours of your precious life. If you do watch it laugh with me at the fact that the screamers wont attack you if your wearing a glowing bathroom symbol. Also if all you had to do to stay alive was to wear this symbol you'd probably not lose it right. The first one had very little to work with especially since it was released after the classic terminator series. But the first film tried harder, and was watchable. There were many times were the interaction between the characters, usually involving Gina Holden's character, make you want to look away and cringe she was so bad. In summary this film didn't deserve a 1 but its as low as you can go .

20 Years After (2008)

Read This First

[1/10 · 26 September 2008]

First off I had to fill out a app here to comment on this as this movie is terrible. The people that made this should be ashamed of themselves including every actor, the writer(s), director, and who ever produced this and said they would invest in this. It really didn't make any sense. The person who wrote this was trying so hard to make the dialog artistic that the entire screenplay and interaction of the characters is painful to watch. Because of a nuclear blast and a some type of weather disaster (of which they don't name or explain in the movie) technology such as automobiles, computers, telephones cease to exist. Oh and everyone in the future becomes a trashy hippie according to this film. Not to mention you will notice that the entire movie is filmed in the same field. The lowest you can rate a movie here is a ONE which this movie did not deserve.