jackattack286 Reviews

Alien Apocalypse (2005 TV Movie)

Really Wanted it to Be Good, But...

[3/10 · 1 April 2005]

I have to admit, I worship the ground Bruce Campbell walks on. I have enough Evil Dead merchandise to pay for Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3. So when I sat to watch Alien Apocalypse, I wanted to like it so much. I really did. Instead, I kept feeling like I was watching a wannabe episode of MST3K. Nothing about this was good, not the writing, definitely not the acting, nor the directing or the effects. Bruce Campbell came off as the only one who had ever acted before. Too often I just sat in disbelief that someone paid for this piece of junk, especially during the worst Spartacus rip off I have ever seen. Don't waste your time, not even for Bruce Campbell. Personally, I'm going back to my shrine to keep praying for Evil Dead 4.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Smart, funny, gory - What doesn't it have?

[10/10 · 17 September 2004]

I liken seeing Shaun of the Dead to a life-changing experience - you'll never look at zombies movies the same way again. Following right in the footsteps of such esteemed flicks as Evil Dead 2 and Brain Dead, Shaun of the Dead tells the story of loser Shaun, his nagging girlfriend, his even bigger loser friend and flatmate, and the rest of his friends and family as he stumbles through a zombie outbreak, at times literally. The humor ranges from broad (leafing through albums to decide which are low enough quality to be thrown at advancing zombies' heads) to more subtle touches(As Shaun sits on the bus and observes a pedestrian mysteriously collapse, the passenger behind him plays the techno song Zombie Nation.)The pace is quick, the gore is more than acceptable, and the jokes never misses a beat. If you enjoy movies about Brits beatin' on Zombies just so they get down to the pub, see this movie. And see it even if you don't.

10/10

Van Helsing (2004)

Boring and nonsensical

[1/10 · 7 May 2004]

Let me start off ny saying that the minute I heard about the concept for this movie, I was against it. Learning that Abraham Van Helsing (the real Van Helsing) was being replaced with "Gabriel" was a small comfort. Right from the beginning, any source material was thrown straight out the window. Instead of investing any intrest in the main characters, I found myself rooting for the town undertaker/gravedigger who seemed to possess the innate ability to lead every Transylvanian mob. The only positive thing I could say about this movie is that the graphics involved in animating a flying vampiress/demoness have progressed greatly since the days of Sam Raimi's Army of Darkness. In fact, instead of wasting any of your money on this overblown piece of $#!*, go out and rent Army of Darkness. You'll get more that your money's worth with twice the plot! Seriously though, don't see Van Helsing unless you wish to indulge your inner masochist.

The X Files: Resist or Serve (2004 Video Game)

Awesome game, full of spirit of show

[5 April 2004]

When I first heard they were making a new X-Files game, I was a little wary, thinking of the last effort (see the 8-disc set sitting on top of my computer). So when playing this game, I was very happy to see the spirit of the show fulfilled so well. The game is packed with inside jokes for X-Philes (i.e, all the street names correspond with episode titles) but the game really comes through in the humor provided by the characters to break up the tension. I thought I was going to fall off my couch laughing when Mulder and Scully provided their seperate interpretations of how the adult video section of a video store measured up to Mulder's collection. Another bright spot is the autopsies conducted by Scully. This game really puts you through the paces to create weapons based on her findings - you have to analyze the results, combine in the right proportions, then combine 3 other objects just to load the gun. In summary, I highly reccomend this game, especially to any true fans.

Idle Hands (1999)

Avoid, Unless Really Desperate

[2/10 · 17 May 2003]

I picked up this movie hoping for black comedy. What I got was a horror movie that wished it was a comedy until it was time to get gory. It doesn't end up pulling either the role of horror movie or comedy off. Whatever rules it creates regarding the demon in the hand it immediately breaks, just serving to confuse the viewer more. This is a movie that had potential, but missed it's mark.

Drowning Mona (2000)

Not Bad, Not great either

[7/10 · 9 May 2003]

Drowning Mona is a hard movie to describe. On the one hand, I liked it because, the cast seemed to be doing the best with what the script they had to work with. On the other hand, the plot seemed choppy and the dialogue was for the most part pretty stale. Will Ferrell absolutely steals the movie with his part as the creepy funeral director who laughs inappropiately, has trouble with the right way to make eye contact, and is constantly having sexual trysts during the viewing. If you're looking for an offbeat comedy, give this a try. But don't rush out and kill yourself to see it.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988)

Greatest Movie ever to not take itself seriously

[9/10 · 2 May 2003]

What can I say about this movie except that it is FUNNY! Not once does it take itself seriously, always blurring the line between what you know a movie to be and just how ridiculous can you make it. Check this out for a young George Clooney. Or just check it out for a really fun night.

The Ring (2002)

Never Fails to Scare Me

[10/10 · 1 May 2003]

I don't care what anyone says, this is hands-down the scariest thing I've ever seen. And the way it carries out the scares is fantastic. It doesn't give you the usual "BOO!" to jump you out of your seat. Instead, the film makes sure you're throughly disturbed and on edge and then keeps building the suspense. Without giving any spoilers, I loved the way the movie pulled the rug out from under you with a seemingly happy-all-the loose-ends-tied-up-ending changing into one of the scariest scenes I have ever seen. If Jaws made us afraid of sharks, and Poltergeist of clown dolls, then this is the movie to walk away from scared of static on your television.

Identity (2003)

Good solid thriller

[8/10 · 27 April 2003]

Identity was overall a solid movie, with twist you didn't really see coming. There were a few flaws, however. The movie felt a little light in terms of scares. I wasn't startled enough to stay on the edge of my seat. Also, the movie slowed down a bit toward the end. The best sequences in the movie had to be the opening set up of coincidences, and the ending which came out of nowhere. Not a great movie, but good. And definitely not scarier than The Ring.

Army of Darkness (1992)

One of the funniest, campy-est, goriest movies out there

[10/10 · 23 April 2003]

Last Halloween, I rented this movie and the original Evil Dead, having no idea what I was in for, and I was not disappointed at all. This movie embodies cheesy, gross horror film violence, and gets the audience to laugh along with it, instead of at it. A fun trip from start to finish, Bruce Campbell never fails to absolutely kick ass. If you see only one gut-splattering horror movie this year, see this one. And then see the other two Evil Dead movies, because they are everything a funny, scary, gross-out horror movie should be.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

The Last Great Halloween Movie

[23 April 2003]

In a long line of sequel that never lived up to the original, this one truly stands out. The scares are great, the plot actually makes sense, and the cast is at the top of its game. If you see only one sequel to Halloween, see this one. I can guarantee you won't be disappointed.

It (1990)

A Total Letdown

[21 April 2003]

As a huge Stephen King fan, I found this movie an overall disappointment. The book was by far the scariest thing I have ever read, and the movie is just a weak shadow of it. The ending of the movie is one-sided compared to that of the book. The movie is scary at parts and a little shocking, but there's so much more left untouched that the book covered, specifically flying leeches that suck your blood until they explode. The cast does their best with what they have, but I only recommend this movie if you haven't read the book.

BASEketball (1998)

Very funny, underated movie

[9/10 · 27 March 2003]

When you see BASEketaball on the shelf at the video store, you may think it looks crude, gross, and ridiculous. You'd be right, but it is also very, very funny. The idea of "a game where guys with bad backs and knees can compete with guys all hopped on steriods" really works for this movie. Never have I seen some many background jokes going on while the characters are telling theirs up close to the camera. One of my favorites is of groundkeepers chasing chickens on the field after a game on promotional "Free-Range Chicken Night." They go through low-tech methods before upgrading to a vacuum that sprays feathers out of its exhaust. If you're looking for a classy movie, skip this one. But if you're willing to sit down and relax with some lowbrow humor - this one's for you.