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mrspasm
I love movies- not all, just some. I like movies where lots of things happen, like The People That Time Forgot. Anything with lots of killings, fightings, crashings, and explodings is good. I hate old Shakespeare films- anything before 1977 (Black and White). Also, I don't like musicals. Why would anyone suddenly burst into song!!?
Me and my bro used to watch lots of movies when we were young, and I've just bought my own TV and DVD player so i can watch my favourites and try some new ones. I'm here to give my unique take on whatever i've been watching. If I can write enough disasters then maybe I can open a large enough Spac Hole and climb through to glory. Perhaps I'll climb through and meet myself and there will be a Timecop collapse! Broxn Sucksesx Noise!
Reviews
You Only Live Twice (1967)
You Only Live Twice- Bond does a dead, then a live, then gives some baddies a dead!
Jimmy Bond strikes back in the 10th Bombd film based around the notorious notion that Double No Seven is killed and returns as a SPECTRE. Rodegjer Waters takes time off from the stage to regain his perception of the British Super Agent Jamie Bond. This action sees our heroine take to the skies of Europe, namely China, as he tried to hunt down the celebrity mastermind known as Blojob. Baldy Job has being causing various mischieves and Miss Chiefs, and even the odd Misschievy around the land, namely Earth for nigh-on 8 cycles, and The FBI have had enough and cant stands no more. They send Bond to incubate Bobsleigh's gang THE SPOOKS, who are majorly Asian. ME SO HORNY!. Of course, Sean Rogery is a Kiltsman and doesn't have the Eastern face. He needs a Green Card to enter and so he takes a wife. His wife is promptly dead. He then does an angry and kicks some ninja children. He then does a despair and inserts a bullet into his skull mush via his PPP gun weapon. Q does a despair. Threepenny does a despair. It is despair. In an enlightening twist though, God (who owns the FBI as per Janis Ian) decides that James De Bond should get a rear entry and squirts him back to earth dressed in the skins of a China. Bon is now suitably disguised and can join the bad guys and take them down from the inside. He disc covers that Bloff has been conducting his terrors from the inside of a giant hurricane. He has a bridge in his hurricane which opens and whoever was standing on it falls into a pool of lava where sharks are swimming, and the sharks shoot acid covered piranha snakes at them. That was a good bit, and quite excitement! Anyhoo, Bond (with the help of his Little Willy) evacuates into the hurricane with a bunch of Samuria, cuts up the place, stops a rocket from crashing into the sea and making a thing happen, and he finally gets his hands on Bowlfull. I won't ruin the ending, but basically everything happens and the film ends. This is likely to be my most favourite Blonde film out of all of off them, and it is in my top ten too! 11 points!
Best Scene. When Bond is applying himself onto his wife who doesn't want none of it, so he turns her round and puts his poison all over her mouth and/or lips. She dies and he quips 'Sorry love'. Ha!
X2 (2003)
X2: X-Men United- how do you spell vindaloo with an 'X'?
X2 is Part 4 of the trilogy, and being the middle section it is often the best. After Mr Magoonta was killed and captured in the first film he has been incarcerated into the superb American Prison System (he is locked in a cardboard box guarded by a dwarf wielding a bag of nutmeg). This means that all is well is the world of the X-Men (Xearth) and they are happy to pursue their other interests- Wolveryan paints, Rogue strips (clothes, not paint), Bumbit embezzles unfortunate street urchins with 3 card plop, Baldy fashions wigs from his oxter hair, Gargantuthon helps to build homes for the homeless in Romania, Goldberg tars the driveways of the rich and/or famous, Storm writes articles on good home living in small town newspapers, Magneter sits in boxes watched by dwarfs, and last but not least Terry babysits, whilst Chickpea organises seminars on maximizing the business potential of your software solutions. After a while they get bored and decide to form a league of superheroes for football (for you Americans, that's real football, not the embarrassment you play). The goodies become X-United and recruit such famous players as Donald Goalposts, Peely, Madonna, Robertini Bagginio, Boris Beckham, Stevie G, Figaro, and Zninadiniadine Zidanisizidane. The baddies are based in Manchester and are known as The Scum. When this first came out I enjoyed collecting all the various and varied various acting figures to play with. I would bring my tea-lights into my roof-space and have my own X-Men wars. I had all the figurines including my favourite- Stalin. I got the X-Men edition of Subbuteo with astro turf and would play for minutes at a time in my fake candlelight, flicking my balls in the gloom with a tender smile etched across my face. You could even play as some of the new teams that were introduced in the second film- The Policemen with their law enforcing magic powers, the Fireman who held the innocuous power of putting our cleansing flames, and the Doctormen whose power was editing competition application forms so that only their friends were successful. Some guy punches a hole in the wall and Annie Packscwhinn bounces around lovelyly.
Best Scene: When Monstror has a free kick from 45 yards and sticks into the top corner like a bullet. It was so much like a bullet that it went through the net and took off the head of an innocent spectator in the front row of the crowd. It was OK though- it was an Everton fan.
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory: I'm a Mandinka warrior!
Oh, Jimmy! Why do you do it to me!? This questionable straight to cassette sequel of sorts sees Steven Siegel cashing in on past glories. It is set several hundred years in thy past, in Colonial times and features Ryback's ancestor Chester Hydebank. He is an ex-sailor who is relieved of his duty after he relieved himself on the Queen's undergarments. Given Freddie Mercury's considerable power he sentenced Seagull to death by killing. At the last moment though he relents and sends him off to Africa to live out his days in the wilderness and must never return. Skeebeedoodeee. Punch a Scotsman. Words invasion. It turns out Queen Mercury II had a thing for musclebound English men and didn't want to see such a bronzed body put to waste. Hydebank sets off on boat to the wastelands of Afferica in disgrace- Mercury's disgrace. Some time passes and Steven Siege has set himself up as a voodoo buffalo hunter for local tribes. His skill as a butcher, kniffer, and ponytailer come in handy for keeping the natives feed, drank, and watered. A group of Spaniards led by Gary Busey and Javier Bardem surrounded the tribes and murder them- they are on a quest for some hidden treasure left by King Balaban in his Mines knowing that a magic diamond at the centre of the mines has the power to make whoever touches it invincible for up to and including 30 seconds. Hydebank was away hunting for bounty with his young padowan Kunta Kinky and sees the attack from afar. Kinky's girlfriend Bazoomba McBouncy is still in the camp being tortured so they must break in and rescue her and slaughter all the bad guys at the same time. Hydebank remembers all his skills as a murderer and concocts a joyous scheme which leads to all sorts of violence, action, and excitements. Part 2. It is the second part. I didn't not enjoy the way the director used Afreaka's surroundings, nature, and sights in his action. The scene where Seagull rides a Kangaroo into battle and makes it do roundhouse kicks was very good, although when he forced it to whisper a quip- 'Skippy ain't got nawthin on me, dawg' or some such I hoped Arnie would walk in and punch it. Ribbitt dazzles with his usual display of blade juggling and chops, and when he throws a pyramid at some bad guys without the aid of special effects my gob is well and truly smacked. Unfortunately the film has some deep racist under and overtones. Why all the Affrikans are depicted as naked, dancing idiots who scream and run away when they see fire is beyond me, and the 28 minute scene of Tommy Lee Chins slapping the Tribe Leader with various gloves is uncalled for. This really gets in the way of all the killings.
Best Scene: When the bad guys bring in the wild boar cooked on a spit and Eriekia Ejlkeniajaiaiek jumps out of it, covered in flesh and blood, with intestines dangling off her naked
Versus (2000)
Versus- Too Many Leapy Magees and not enough Dookens!
Those crazy Chinese, they sure know how to make crazy films. I had a friend once who went to China- he said they didn't have cars but used dragons to drive about instead. Crazy! Especially as dragons are extinct. Versus isn't really a real film, it's really based on an assortment of fight em ups for the computer. Games such as Mortil Come Back World, Road Fighter 2: Championship Edition, and Streets Of Age. The crazy twist comes via the fact that we have not only humans fighting each other, but other creatures too- con men, vampires, weredogs, werecats, zomboids, Bagginses, people of the Aisle Of Man, Santa etc. The basic plot sees a Chinese mafia man re-stealing his girlfriend from a rival mafia man who had re-re-stolen her from the man who his re-stealing her from him. The baddie sends his most trusted warriors after the goodies in a progression of difficulty, starting with a brown belt unarmed amateur, working up through expert bearded swordsmen, giants, and Miyagi, all the way to entire platoons of tanks armed with nukes. Our hero is a decent fighter, but he can only take so much and is ripped to ribbons. Luckily though he is killed in an ancient Indian burial ground on a full moon and comes back as a zomboid. He then has to fight his way out of the Underworld against Medusa, Hitler, and Samuel Peyps only to try to re-re-re-rescue his girlfriend (who has been cheating on him with an Eskimo). Not a lot of the film made sense, especially the parts that weren't in English, and most of the effects and acting left much to be desired. I suppose I can't complain given that the film was made for 10 Yen, but when you see that Parannoying Actively was only made for 80 dollars there really is not excuse.
Best Scene: When one of the bad guys is being kicked into the air you can see the string and pulley system being operated by a man in the trees in the background. If you freeze frame that part and zoom in you can see that it is none other than 1980s cast off Rick Moranis.
The Deer Hunter (1978)
One For The Fearmongers
The second World War II was a terrible time for the US. Thankfully this film follows the more enjoyable Viet Kong War, where Robert Mitchum, Christopher Biggins, Fredo, and Diane Keaton find their small town lives disrupted by invading bad guys. They like to spend their weekends hunting harmless animals and drinking Bud but this peace is disturbed when the tables are ironically turned and they become the hunted. They hide in the jungle for a while and meet a young group of teens called the Wolverines who are also hiding out. This young group includes various Shat Pack members- Rob Lowe, Michael J Keaton, Emilio Eckhart, Patrick Swayze, and Baby. The kids have hunting rifles too and decide to wage war on the Vietnamese who have enslaved their village, but they need a distraction. De Matteo, Biggins, and co etc decide to flee and force the bad guys to follow them, giving the Wolfers enough time and freedom to free the city! Unfortunately Robbie, Chrissie, and Fredoie, are captured and pitted off against each other in a terrifying game of life and poker. 2 prisoners are picked at a time and given a deck of cards- each takes a card and whoever has the lower card gets shot with a knife while the bad guys, laugh, bet, and have a generally knee-slapping time. Our heroes have been watching this, understandably horrified, waiting for their turn. Bob De Bobbo and Baggins are pulled out for their turn, but luckily Bob gets his hands on a flame thrower and toasts the bad guys- toasts them good and quips 'You talking to me? Not anymore!' They get back to town to find that the Wolfies have chased the bad guys away and all is well, although there have been casualties- Swayze's mullet got trapped in a harvester he was driving and he was torn into confetti. Usefully though they used this confetti for the celebratory parade so it wasn't for nothing. Just when you think the film is ending though it takes a sinister turn; it turns out that Baggins has become addicted to the deadly card game which he names Park The Fleece, Master Flip, and has been running underground tournaments. When someone challenges him to a game (he has only been watching before this) he gladly accepts to prove he ain't chicken. Frodo and Nero hear about this and race to the rescue but only make it in time to see the knife penetrate their friend's brain, and watch him fall to the floor, deading. It seems the Deer have claimed their final victim.
Best Scene: When the friends are being airlifted out of the forest by Mountain Rescue, De Nee decides to tickle Fredo with a feather and he falls to the ground, losing his legs. De Lite feels guilty about this for the rest of the film, but to rub it in he shags Fredo's wife.
Jisatsu sâkuru (2001)
Just an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff
This funny Chinese film is a biography considering a special club that many teens have begun prescribing to. As the name suggests it is a Suicide Club- the only thing is that if you want to become a member you have to kill yourself first. Once you do that you get entry to the inner circle where you can drink tea and discuss the songs by famous South African band The Cure. We follow a group of friends as they struggle to gain acceptance by the existing members of the club- try as they might our heroes keep failing to kill themselves. This results in many humorous scenes involving bleeding arms (not deep enough!) hangings with weak rope, jumping in front of trains but bouncing off them back onto the platform etc. It is actually quite touching as these kids just want to be part of something, but family life, school etc has forced them to become brooding outsiders filled with hate and despair. They only want to belong so it is a pity that they must crawl into the grave to get friends. It seems there are millions of members world wide, and the numbers are growing all the time. Maybe we should listen to them once in a while instead of turning away.
Best Scene: When the guy with the funky hair keeps trying to drown himself in his bath but his little brother keeps pulling the plug out and disturbing him. He then pees in the bath and the funky guy has to jump out- 'Uurgh, Teddy, that's gross!'
Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Police Academy 2: Bowser's Revenge
The sequel to the greatest comedy ever made had a lot to live up to- would Mahoney still up up to his sexy tricks, or had he settled down? Was Tackleberry still making us roll around the ground in excessive laughings with his hilarious gun-play? Could Jones think of even more new and hilarious noises to enchant us? Most importantly, the serious nature of the storyline- now that our cadets had passed their training could they handle real life on the job as cops on the deadly streets of America? This was sure to be engaging stuff. Sadly this sequel isn't nearly as good as the first, but thankfully it is even better! It's by far the best film since the last one, and easily the best in the series apart from the other 6! There are so funny many that I coherent write can't sentences! I know! Also introduced for the first and only time is my favourite character from the whole series- he may only appear in this film, but he also comes back for the next three! His name be Zeb, and in this he is a bad guy, but don't be scared cos he's really good, the same way silk pants are good, and he rubs you the right way by doing funnies and speaking like a weirdo. He is like a cross between Jones and a tramp. He leads the a gang of hoodlums who race around the city on jet skis, throwing punch on the mayor and stealing TVs without even paying for them- that's not theft like I know it! Anyway, I'm being taken sideways as I keep thinking of a good bit, and remembering, and laughing. Oh no- here comes another! Mudhoney must dress up as a bad guy to infiltrate their gang and same their boss from extinction. I don't like that Bowser is here instead of Captain Harris- Harris is my favourite, especially in the Blue Oyster or when he has glued bits in his hair! Jones causes diversion by going VVVVVT- BRREEE,AII-AII-OOGGALISHNARFBITZZ!, while Loganberry shoots a pile of boxes with a tank. BLLEEEE- RAWAAK!
Best Scene- There are too many to name, but the one where Sweet Cheeks shoots his own shop is a genuine treat!
Q (1982)
The Cohen Brother's Best!
Q, or to give it it's full title- The 8 Exciting Excapades Of Mr Q, The Big Thing, Also Known As Quaker Coat Al, King Of The Mormans, As He Chases Shaft, Kwai Chang, And Michael Moriarty- is basically just a remake of Jaws, but set in space. It has all the same scenes from that movie- a child being mauled to death as he takes his moon buggy for a brief spin; a dead man's head floating by the spaceship's port hole, Shaft having his legs bitten off as Q eats through the bottom of the ship. Heck, it even 'borrows' some of the famous lines- 'We're gonna need a bigger rocket', 'we're gonna need a bigger ship', 'Monster! (instead of shark!)', and 'Hi'. It is suffice it to say that the famous George Lucas theme tune of the approaching evil is rogued too. While the Jaws music goes like this- Duh duh. Duh duh. Du du du du duh da du du, duh da du du' and so on, the music in Q goes like this- 'Duh duh. Duh duh. Du du du du duh da du du, duh da du du'. If that ain't a slice of the old Rip Off Magee, then I don't know what is boy! Anyways, I'm sure if you've seen Jaws (or it's other remake, King Qwong) you'll know the basic storyboard. Humans have been living on the moon for a few weeks now, but for some reason they are all trapped in the 80s, or possibly the 60s. Drilling for precious moon oil has awoken an ancient beast known as Qod (basically God with a Q) and he ain't happy! He ain't happy, but he ain't not hungry! Q is a giant dragon type feature, roughly the size of a large squirrel, and he can fly. He can't breath fire, but he ain't not hungry! He feasts on space tramps and rocks and takes off towards the main city- Earth Part Two. Soon it is a race against time for the spacemen to work together and bring down this awesome foe. I like the graphics in this film- they are some of the best I have ever scene, and I like the fact that they filmed on the moon, with Neil Armstrong's permission. There is plenty of gore and killings, and the excitements are kept high on the scale- about 340lbs worth, give or take. What the film really needed was a big monster fight- they should have dug up another alien and had a smackdown rumble fest where they both smelled what the other had cookin'. This is a lovely piece of filming, Michael Douglas should be proud.
Best Scene: Patrick Moore's cameo. He is discussing the possibility of life on other planets at the start of the show, then it cuts to him going to his dressing room. Later when his director goes to pick him up for his next shoot, and spins his chair round he is dead and Q has crawled out of his eye! You know which one.
Maximum Overdrive (1986)
It Shook Me All Night Long- with scarinessness!
This is one of THE great films of the 80s, featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Emilio Sheen, Lisa Simpson, and Stevie-Nix-King head up the terrific cast in this brutal, haunting, and often sad story of man versus machine set in the future (about 2 weeks I think). Based on one of King's most famous works- Cujo, the film follows a weekend in the lives of a bunch of Hicks who are surrounded, tormented, and murdered by their favourite household appliances- microwaves, TVs, Big Blue Pleasure Devices, chair lifts, and of course staples. The main threat though comes from their cars, their motorbikes, their trucks, vans, and hover crafts. They all get stranded in a diner off Route 66, and in classic Night Of Lovely Dead style they argue and fight amongst themselves whilst trying to solve the main problem and escape the nightmare in one or three pieces.
Emil Esteves is a loner, a truck driver who just happens to pull into the diner for a burger and a litre of coffee, and perhaps to make a deposit in the traps. He meets an assortment of locals, weirdos, and workers but soon after all Hades breaks loose. One customer is in trap 1, but when he tries to flush it gurgles speech at him. 'Honey, this la-vor-a-tory just called called me an ass hole!' he cries. It retaliates further by spewing forth what he had previously spewed forth in a glorious twist of irony. Soon people are being stabbed, crushed, decapitated, and victimised. This film has what idiots call the likability factor. In other words- you can like it. There isn't much of a story after the first 12 minutes as the final hour is just scenes of carnage accompanied by music by metal band ABBA. Occasionally Yardon Smith (From the Simpson Family programme) shrieks something unintelligibly which would usually make me want to cut out my eyes and replace them with some sort of larvae, but here it serves to increase the tension. With superb actings throughout, lots of killings, and plenty of naked action, this is one of the all time must sees.
Best Scene: When that weirdo looking freak (whoever he is he should never be allowed near another film again!) at the start trying to reason with a cash machine but it keeps calling him a twatbag!
Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Wax On; Brains Out!
I remembrance when this was first show- none of the big studios wanted it so Romeo had to travel on his scooter with copies of it to local cinemas. On his first few attempts he told the owners that it was a film about zomboids munching human flysh and flesh- understandably most were horrified by this plot and spat in his face. Romeo, being an intelligent, bearded gentleman knew that he would have to lie in order for his film to be shown. He began to tell people it was about a group of dancers called the Living Dead who were from 'the streets' and had to fight prejudice and poverty just so they could dance together. A heartwarming story, it featured the tag line 'They're coming to get down, Barbara!' The main character is a shy girl who learns what it is to live, love, and dance and ends up having the time of her life, like she's never felt before. The Living Dead recruit her by repeatedly dancing on her lawn and banging on her doors and windows- she tries to keep them out, but you can't stop the groove, baby!. The beats get more intense, the clothes get more lesser, and soon she succumbs to the ancient art of waving your arms and legs about. The group scrape together enough money to enter the (arm)Pittsburgh dance contest and finally get a stage on which they can showcase their talents. After rough treatment from rich rival dance troupe, Kobra Kyle, they find a wizened old trainer called Mr Umaga. Through him getting them to paint his house, wax his carts, clean his many chimbleys etc they learn valuable life lessons which will ensure they can form important social relationships and gain self confidence when they eventually start employment. Suffice to say, the film has a wonderfully tender ending as the group, just as it looks like they have thrown away the final dance, manage to pull off the mythic 5 metre Qwop twirl dance move and get a 10 from Brucie. Paralleled with the Vietnam war which was entertaining America at the time, Romeo's impressive social commentary manages to convey the joyous spirit of the time- before there was mistrust, before there was paranoia, and when everyone loved each other regardless of the colour of their skin, or the ugly of their face.
Best Scene: The naked zomboid ass.
One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961)
Imagine One Hundred And One Anythings Humping Your Leg!
As a monkey lover (not like that you dirty boy! Lol!) I have trouble watching films about animals which don't feature monkeys. After overcoming this initial disappointment, I sat down to watch this Walter Dizzy classic. The story is about a family who have a hundred Dalmation dogs (the ones which look like zebras) and are entering the American version of Crufts- 'The Abe Lincoln Sponsored Stars And Stripes Canine Appreciation Gala Contest Bonanza For Dog Breeders Featuring Exciting Races, Daring Obstacles, Grooming Awards, And Stalwart Obedience Show!' or better known as TALSSASCAGCBFDBFERDOGAASOS! The family hear about a loophole that if someone has 101 dogs of the same breed they automatically win the top prize- the Woofey, and a million one dollar bits. Their dogs are mongrels you see- stupid, ugly, and disobedient. The first part of the show is taken up with the family trying to train their dogs to sit, sleep, run, eat, dance, and sing- this leads to some wonderful hits such as 'Spot The Wrong'un!', 'Who Let The Dogs Out', 'Barken', 'Oh What A Lovely Bone' and 'Get Off My Nice Clean Carpet You Dirty Bitch'. Realising their dogs are useless they try to exploit the loop. Most of the film is taken up by the owners and their lovely children trying to get their puppies to mate so that they reach the target of 101- this led to some questionable scenes which young audiences were not prepared for and the eventual 'disappearances of many of the staff. 40 years later a mass burial site was exhumed where a number of bodies of the staff were found- some with bones inserted in the wrong spot (pardon the puns). Bette Davis spices things up a tad with her portrayal of Cruel Fella D'Evil- a local mobster who went mental when her husband was murdered by the Godfather, Don Niro De Pachinko. She hates the sound of dogs, but loves the taste, and has heard an ancient myth which speaks of 'the flysh of the one hundred and first born pup shall give eternal life to he who shalt feast of it'. She tries to kidnap number 101 (Ploppy) and eat it, but the other dogs set traps up for her around the house, such as messes under the windows, messes on the hallways, and worst of all, messes on the door handles. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it ends by the plot coming to and end and the credits rolling. Although this was filmed about a hundred (and one!) years ago, the graphics and camera-work are very enticing. Disney were the only studio rich enough back then to make their films in colour, which is why this looks so could compared to other rubbish like Castle Blanka. Unfortunately the unsavoury nature of the plot combined with the toilet humour, and the fact that it was basically a remake of the Nazi propaganda film 'Eine hundert und eine Rettungen' or 101 Salvations mean that it makes for inappropriate viewing.
Best Scene: Fred Willard's humorous commentary throughout the various stages of the dog trials- it was one of his first appearances, at the age of 42.
Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)
We Don't Need A Nuther Hero!
Burtdog and Hicks return with some guns blazing in this film called Lethal Weapon 2. Buddy movies and sequels were all the rage in the 80s, and this is amongst the best or the worst depending on which way your wind blows. Crazy Gary Busey and Patsy Klinesit also co-star with Crazy Joe Pesci in this crazy romp. Crazy cop Melanie Gibson goes off the rails when his wife is killed by drowning. He teams up once again with Danny Glove to get into action and kill all the water in the world. The problem is, Fanny Lover is also scared of water and keeps getting stuck on toilets so isn't much help. It turns out that Tyrannical (Saurus Rex!)Busey is a surfer who can send tidal waves at sunbathers. He has been steadily growing this power so that he can unleash a huge wave at San Fransico and kill everyone (when he was younger he was rejected by the flighty San Fran crowd for not being flamboyant enough). Rather than going for the logical solution and calling the coast guard or Superman's cousin Water (man) Mel Griffith and Danny Glick decide to take on the wet Bush meister themselves.
This film ups you auntie from the first film, and is bigger, better, and not as good. There are plenty of quips and spark between all the cast members (in actual life they are all related to each other and grew up in the same house), and we have car chases, boat chases, surfy chasings, and lots of guns and bombs. This should all add up and equal a good film, but for some reason it doesn't. Maybe they forgot to carry the one. They seem to have done something like 3 + 5 + 5 + 4 = 10. Don't not do not get me wrong, right? Because it is still good, just not as good as it should have been. They would reach new highs with the third film, which is easily the worst of the Octology.
Best Scene: When Riggs and Barry are chasing Bushell in the water and he suddenly leaps out at them, yelling paranoid conspiracy theory rhetoric at them before sinking back into the gloomy depths. Gibson turns to his lover and delivers one of the great movie one-liners: 'We might need a bigger boat!'
Kickboxer (1989)
The Muscles From Belgium Kicks Exposed Bums!
Yes, now we're into the realms of classic masterpieces! One of John Claud Van Damne's early films, Kickboxer has it all- fighting. Jean Cloud stars as Luc 'kickboxer' Deveroux, a fighter who wants to travel to China and enter a deadly Marshall Arts contest. His brother, Luke Deveroux was meant to go but as he was an unknown actor they decided to send Vin Darn instead. Off he goes, wearing nothing as always to make sure the female, gay, and curious portion of the audience get to drool over his well oiled, muscular and inviting buttocks. Soon he is being trained by a wizened old genius in the ways of kick boxing. He kicks empty cardboard boxes, flat packs, dodges boxes filled with ripe fruit and veg, and eats cardboard all day. The middle section of the film is simply various montages of this type of behaviour, showing his skills improving until he can do the splits balancing on top of a hundred stacked milk cartons. We also see him shaking his thang at a local bar, entrancing the local woman and igniting them into a sexual frenzy. Luckily when they approach he snaps their necks with swift roundhouse kicks. Thus he is ready for the tournament. Many fighters from around the globe and beyond have come to fight and win. We have Bolo from China, a sumo wrestler from Japan, a Viking from Norway, a funny little crab like creature from Africa, and various others, each with a unique fighting style. Shaun Claw Damn Van progresses through each round, beating everyone easily. In the final he has to fight a hard looking transvestite who trains by kicking holes in car doors and eating concrete. JCVCDVD beats him after a gruelling ten rounds by punching him in the nuts so hard that she/he becomes a he/she. We celebrate with a fist pumping 80s power ballad, possibly called 'Don't Let The Cardboard Box You In (Keep Believing, Little Boy)!'
Best Scene: When the Sumo sits on the little crab man and laughs, and you see all the arms and limbs underneath frantically flailing around, then stretching climactically, then trembling softly, then stopping. Always stopping.
Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)
I'm A Creep! I Am A Weirdy!
Jinkies! Yes, the Creep is back in this sequel once again starring Thom Yorke as some sort of prehistoric bat-man. Holy Cow! After the events of the first film (which I don't remember), Thom has been in hiding, feasting on various bones and bits of skin from the human bounty he has recently collected. Gorging himself on such treats causes him to become a bloated mess of his former self and he drops into a deep hibernation. In this sleep known as REM he is able to construct other wordly sounds and lyrics in his fuddled brain so that when he wakes he can record them using strange musical instruments like the Bowafridgeaphone, theramin, and of course staples. A year passes and Thom wakes, ready to unleash another classic. Unfortunately on his way to the record company headquarters he is attacked by a bus filled with Jocks and cheerleaders. Remembering how he was bullied in school, and having a general fear of motorised transport (explaining why he has wings) he decides to kill them all. Thus starts a battle between this foul creature and all the idiotic teens who try to find out the origins of the creature so they can kill it.
I think that this was meant to be a horror film, but it seemed more like a documentary from the Biography channel or Animal Planet. Thom is good once again as Batman, but doesn't get to show off his marvellous vocal range in many scenes. Most of the time he just pops in through a window to bite someone, or flies in to carry off an unsuspecting victim when they're squeezing one out in a cornfield. The other people are the usual assortment of school idiots and you cheer as each one is brutally murdered. Music is of course provided by Yorke's side project 'Prophetic Nipple Device Incident' and it is suitably weird. Most of it is just him screaming incomprehensible phrases, and rubbing his bare arms along a variety of surfaces, from felt, to coal, to ice cream covered in dead flies.
Best Scene: When the top of the bus is ripped off and Thom sticks his head in and shrieks 'NO SURPRISES PLEASE!' before twisting off one passenger's head like a stem from an apple.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
Crack that whip! Liquorice Whip!
'Save me Indiana, your our only hope!' comes the eternal line from this Lucas classic. Dr Jones has been in 19th Century China for the weekend in search the famed Diamond of Chung –Sh- g'Argolarath. After an exciting chase through downtown somewhere Indy and his trusty companion Skid-Mark escape to a plane. Unbeknownst to them though, the plane belongs to Hitler and they are in for ein bumpy ride. Also unbeknownst to them, they know that Willy Fog- an ex of Indianopolis has stowed away on the plane also as well. Once the pilots have reached 300 feet (known in nautical terms as Terminal Velocity) they parachute out leaving the trio to plummet to their deaths. Indy and Diddy-Kong search the plane but unfortunately find there are only 'four more parachutes!' As there are four parachutes and 3 people this proves to be too confusing a mathemagical conundrum for them and they crash into the earth, dead.
Awaking in the afterlife they find that they are stranded in a crazy nether region full of 'vampiric' bats and Induans. Dr. Johns sees this as a valuable archaeological study- if he can somehow bring himself back to life with some proof of this city of the afterlife then he will be a millionaire. Indy, Willy, and Side-Kick find a mountain village where all the children have been kidnapped or eaten by an evil sect of demons. They stole some precious God stones from the village elders and have been powerful freaks ever since. They plead with Indy to rescue the children and the stones, and in return they will send the gang back to Earth in time for supper. Soon they find themselves in a palace type fortress full of lovely food such as Monkey's filled with snakes, snakes filled with monkeys, monkey's filled with skunkies, and of course staples. Everything looks normal, or as normal as it can be for being a unique tomb of the abnormal. They investigate further and find a slave trade, murder, torture, and humane sacrifice. The main bad guy is called Kal Yer Ma and he delights in his demonic vestal rites, puling out hearts at will and hypnotising people at a glance. He throws Willy into a volcano, turns Mindy into a slave, and only Kick-Start can save the day.
Suffice to say all this is very funny and excitement. There are the usual jokes, fights, and chases- the best being the mine cart ride where Diddy Kong keeps being stretched across the tracks. A fat guy gets crushed by a fat stone, spikes come out of ceilings, spiders and crabs and beasties crawl everywhere, and the finale is a big fight and chase in a tank across a rope bridge over a pit of croc infested lava. All in all this is the best Indymania film and I would suggest that you watch it with your eyes. Open.
Best Scene: Trying to spot Dan Akroyd's cameo in the film; look very closely in the scene with the bugs- he is dressed as a giant woodlouse.
Highlander (1986)
Highlander: Tastier Than A Sheep's Stomach
'I am the Krug! Hear me roar!' says the bad guy. 'Heh heh heh- I don't think so' replies Lambear. 'Yesh- the namesh Ssean- Ssean Connerah'. Says Sean Connery. Yesh, Highlander features these three peoples in an interesting take on the old good versus evil battle. There are sword fights, time travels, horses all mixed up in this tale of action, honour, romance, and immortality. Christopher 'Rain Man' Lambert plays Jimmy O' McGreggor, a Kilt wearing Haggis bandit of Ye Olde Scotland. The film begins with his life over 5000 years ago. He is a simple Scotsman, a follower of Braveheart like everyone else and has a beautiful wench. His town is attacked one evening by Geordies and he is stabbed in the heart, dying in the arms of his belovely. After mourning his loss however he returns from the dead, but this time he is alive! He tries to join his family and friends again but they are zombiephobes and cast him out for witcherycraft. He decides to travel down to London as he heard the streets are paved with gold and he can start a new life. On the way though he meets an eccentric old Grandaddy who tells him that, like himself, he is an immortal who can only be killed by losing his head or his temper. These immortals have been fighting each other for weeks and one day the survivor will win a medal. Thus begins a training regime and a hundred year battle against a fellow immortal known as Clive.
This film has some pretty screen shots of the Scattish lowlands, places I would like to visit such as Lock Ness, Lock Spurrin, and Lock Lockland Lough. Kristoffer is a charming newcomer in his first film, his head like a giant light bulb turned off. It is nice to see Shaugn Commeray coming out of retirement for his first film since 1961's Live And Live Die. He would go onto greater success the following year as the mad scientist in Jurassic Park. Also, Lost favourite Ron Perlman stars as The Crumb- a fierce fighter who would give Arnie's Conan sword skills a run for their money. Overall this is a good film which I would recommend to Bankers and Firework Company employees.
Best Scene: When Lambread and Coventry are frolicking together in the waters of New Lock Gloghensborough in authentic 17th Century pantaloons. I recently got myself a pair and this Summer I plan to try them out in the local duck pond.
2012 (2009)
2012: If climate change doesn't get you, the future will!
It is a well known fact that some idiots believe the world will end on 21st Dec 2012. This is due to an age old series of prophecies written by the Mayans of South America. Now, they were a crazy bunch alright, crazy smart. Better mathematicians than Carol Vorderman, better space staring guys that Patrick Moore, smarter physicists than Stephen Hawkwing. They understood the galaxy and time, dates, calendars. They knew which day certain galactic events like eclipses etc would take place, hundreds of years before we could work it out. They built massive buildings and pyramids dedicated to such practices- buildings which on a certain hour of a certain day, in a certain year sunlight would penetrate and create wonderful shadows and pictures. Naturally with all these skills it is believed they could predict future events. As we live in a time of fear and nonsense one out of every one fools believes that the world is going to end one way or another, and probably soon. The Mayans say 2012, and some say every prediction they have made has come true. Of course the predictions themselves are as follows: 'When the smiling Devil Bird has turned 58 thousand times the grass will eat the land, and the Jaguar will have a corn bride'. Naturally this can be translated as the rise of Hitler. I have been to various temple and have spoken to many Mayan who now practice Christianity and laugh at such claims. The only prediction they made to me was that I would give them 5 dollars for a fertility statue. They were wrong. I have recently been making a few generous predictions of my own which I am confident will come true. Read into them what you may: Somewhere, some time on the 14th February 2014, there will be an episode of The Simpsons shown on TV; Madonna will be dead 150 years from now; When the Spac Twins reach four figure viewings on Youtube there will be a great cheer of despair; this film will make more than 137 Dollars at the Box Office on November 15 2009.
Of course such fairy tales make for great films- and by great I mean balls. Roland 'The Rat' Iamrich has taken another end of the world scenario and turned it into a special graphics laden affair- their will be giant CG tidal waves, giant CG explodings, various famous world landmarks will be destroyed, and at some point the fat, nerdy one will make a quip which no-one will find amusing. About 3 hours into the movie the hero, his girlfriend, and his father/son will realize that they can save the world and restore all this ungodly destruction in a matter of hours by some simple natural/scientific solution that had previously slipped their minds. All will be well. I wait for the day when someone makes a film about the moon smashing into the earth- and is simply 127 minutes of explosions, people screaming and dying, and The Moon encroaching on everyone's personal space. It will surely be the greatest film of all time- by which I mean balls.
Best Scene: I predict the best scene will be when a CG animal (Tiger/Wolf/Polar Bear/Rhino/Hippy) which has mysteriously blown across several continents to America chases our heroes until it eventually gets crushed by rock. (NB. This review was written in August 09)
Fright Night (1985)
I'm A Lover Not A Frighter
Fright Night contains Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, Corey McCrory, and Vincent Price. In this performance they all act as people in a situation involving scary bits and laughings. Most of the time I tend to often call these things 'hilarious screamers' because they mix the two most famous emoticons- fear and funny. Now let me say this (I'll say it anyway, if you'll let me): If you were being chased by a maniac with a knife- would it be funny? What if he caught you, and dove into your flesh with his blade- would you start laughing like it was Christmas? Even if you were running and he slipped on an apple skin, you would stop and start slapping your thigh at this slapstick marvel- nein, you would get out of there like a monkey from a box. Hilarious screamers really began in the 80s, with films such as Friday the 13th part 3 and The Exorcist. Featuring lots of gags and gores these provided popularity and box offices ticked to the sound of ticking tills. Fight Night (the first part of a trilogy and a loose remake of Night Of The Lovely Dead) was calamitous success, the biggest of the three, bigger than it's sequel (Fight Me) though not as big as the final part (Fight Club). I don't like these films- I always have and I never will. I like my horrors to be horrific and my comedies to be comific. However, as a person it is my duty to watch all screens, even ones I don't like want to want to.
A young boy moves into a house in a city with his older brother, mum and dog- Wolfie. He is bullied at the new school by all the bigger boys for having stupid hair. He goes to his brother but he has started disappearing at night with local biker gang members- sleeping all day and partying all night. He tries to get his mum to help, but she is too busy having adult relations with a funny looking man. His grandpa is senile so he resorts to sitting at a park at night time. He meets a young girl, roughly the same age as himself who is very pale and doesn't talk much. He likes her but she always disappears off into the night. Soon they form a friendship, meeting every night in the snow, but she never tells him how old she is or anything else about herself. They notice a new neighbour moving in- an old evil looking man and imagine that he is a monster, an assassin, a lonely old prostitute etc. They are in bed one night when it collapses and he breaks his leg, confining him to his bedroom. He becomes obsessed with this new neighbour, watching his every move from his wheelchair. He believes he is a vampire. The girl thinks he is losing his mind, but can't help too much because she in fact IS a vampire. Soon all the secrets come out and it turns out everyone is a vampire apart from the mum who is a mummy. It becomes quite messy with all these twisting story lines, the best bit being when the girl climbs up the wall of the hospital and sets fire to the woman who likes cats. That was quite funny, but I don't think it was meant to be. A big fight ensues with the boy and his other friends the Fog Brothers and soon they rid the town of vampires. The boy hides the girl in his suitcase though as she is a good vampire, and the four of them leave on a train, the Fog Brothers not knowing there is a blood sucking fiend of the night nestled in amongst their underwear.
Best Scene: When the 4 go to where the creepy old neighbour works- in a TV studio where he presents a monster programmathon. He slips on an apple skin and that is always funny, no matter what the presentation!
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
What do you call a man whose top is made from trees and who likes to throw cutlery from high buildings? Head Wood Sky Soar Pans! (edward scissorhands)
Edward Scissorhands is a terrifying, grim fairy tale, the story of a deformed boy with scissors stapled onto his arms in the place of hands. It is a well known fact that Vinnie Price went buck nuts before he died, believing that he was a real mad scientist. He began experimenting on neighbourhood runaways, cutting them up and replacing their limbs with household appliances- he would sand off their feet and replace them with a couple of hairdryers, he scooped out their eyeballs and inserted Christmas lights, he ripped off their danglies and tied on glue guns. The list goes on, all I will say is that this is where radiohead got their name from. Tim Button, fresh from his success with his version of Batfink made enough money to make whatever film he wanted. He decided to base his next film on the continuing existence of one of Prince's creations- Edward. It is made all the more horrific by the fact that a love story is tacked on along with some rather sick slap-the-stick comedy.
The film stars Julia Roberts as a suburban saleswoman. In a clear rip off of off Desperate Houses, all the women are sneaky, self interested pointlessly neighbour obsessed with lives so empty and meaningless that the only way to fill the void with something other than outright hatred for themselves is to spy on their equally vacuous mud dwellers. Julia decides one day to go up to the spooky castle at the bottom of her street to try to sell her magic beans there. Inside she finds (amongst an assortment of fetish, S and M torture devices) a lonely young man called Edward. He seems normal other than the fact that he has scissors for his hands and is a complete weirdo. Naturally Jaunty Depp was picked for the role. Judy takes him home to meet her family- husband Richard, son Barry, and daughter Winrunner Rideher. Eddie falls in love for Wineowner but she calls him a hippie and has an affair with local jock Rob Lowe. Jedward goes buck nuts and begins having visions of his daddy, Vinnie Jones who advises him to become an assassin. He does, and the rest of the film is a blood soaked snowstorm of necks being sliced, eyes being gouged (with the camera placed on the tip of the scissor for maximum effect), and limbs removed as Tom Button shows his utter disdain for everything wholesome; it is basically him saying that he wishes everyone would murder everyone else and leave him alone to draw his zany pictures. The worst thing is, when Ed gets paid he can't count or spend the money as he keeps accidentally ripping it up.The scene where he moves from house to house impaling and mauling all the pets is so awful I may well have invented it just so I don't have to remember it. The thing comes to a climax when the FBI come to take Edwood away and he holds Winoprah hostage at the top of his castle. Helicopters swoop around the pair while he has a slow motion fight with their propellers. He finally cracks and cuts off his beloved's head and legs and is subsequently shot to pieces by the Feds. As the sad music rises, Winnie's blood drops onto the floor and we fade to white.
Best Scene: The ending where we fade back in to find that it is the future, and Wimpy is alive and well and a granny. Surgeons were able so sow her head and legs together with a thin strip of her torso, though her midriff is completely gone. She is telling her granddaughter this story (I assume the young girl was naughty and this is her horrific punishment). The child asks 'What happened to Ed, granny?' Winotebook replies 'Ed's dead, baby. Ed's dead' before racing off on her space age mobility cycle.
Death Note: Desu nôto (2006)
The Pen Is Mightier Than The Nuke
Death Note is a delightful wee Chinese film based an on old Chinese proverb: 'Thou dost not need to see thine enemy to strike him down'. This was turned into a play hundreds of years ago by Chinaland's version of Shakespeare, Confuseus. He was a philosophist and moraliser who I studied for many years at University. His play was all about whether Man has the right to play God and raises the idea than when Man is given the power of God he in fact becomes Satan. A boy from a local village finds a magic scroll dropped by a pile of pixies and when he lifts it he becomes their ruler. Rather than grant him wishes they say that they have the power to punish kill anyone he wants them to, if only he writes their name in the scroll. As the boy is from a poor family, and is frequently bullied he decides that this could be the key to his revenge and make his family some well deserved money. His mother may or may not have been sick. He starts by telling the pixies to attack his bullies, giving them wedgies and pushing them out of their junks etc. Regrettably in a fit of rage he wishes the lead bully was dead, so the pixies pull his head off. After a taste of this power the boy goes on a personal crusade, killing those he thinks are evil, and hurting all those he loved. It's pretty good for a play, but it needed some zombies or something to truly make it a classic.
Fast forward 2 thousand years and we finally have a movie based on the thing. The boy is no longer poor, but played by the survivor from Battle Royal. He is the son of the President of China, and is cute, popular, and a genius. Also modern audiences wouldn't believe in a bunch of pixies so they updated it to a giant elf. The boy is all set up to go to University and be a successful whatever, but he is sick of the amount of crime and treachery he sees everywhere: murderers back on the streets on two years; thieves and bullies roaming the streets making everyone scared to leave their houses; politicians robbing the people of their wages and rights; celebrities hugging fame and acting superior to everyone else. He magically gets hold of the scroll- updated to a funk file-o-fax and decides to wreak some justice. Soon his avenging angel persona becomes a celebrity like Miley Ray Cyrax and the people are divided in their support for him. He has the power to kill anyone in the world at will, and is safe from harm as no-one knows who is responsible. That is until ultra weirdo El comes along, sucking a lollipop. He is some sort of mega genius who is able to make gigantic logical leaps to work out that the killer lives right in their own very city. He is a heartthrob; a skinny little goth clad emo goth with cool hair who is so charismatic that he is able to control the entire Chinese police force just by eating a marshmallow funny. Soon a battle of wits begins- one trying to prove the other is a killer, the other trying to kill one before he works out the truth- this means much excitements! Throw into the mix a sexy girlfriend, some AMAZING graphics, and some apple related humour and we have possibly the only good foreign film ever made of all time.
Best Scene: When the boy kills one of his teachers at home in front of the TV. It gives a terrifying insight into how the elf kills his victims; the teacher switches on his TV but finds only one channel- a sepia tinged forest with a well in the middle. He sees the elf climbing slowly out of it, and crawling towards the camera. He watches with sickness, with a growing unease (like when you're on the toilet trying to finish as a spider comes under the door and crawls towards you) by utterly transfixed. The elf gets to the camera
and crawls OUT of the TV!!! The teacher screams like one of his pupils when he announces a surprise maths exam and the elf gets him.
Clerks (1994)
Good comedy about life in the grocery trade
Clerks (pronounced Clarks) is an old American film that had been lost in the archives for decades. The story goes that when written it was so rude that no distributer dared release it. Fast forward 50 years and we find young American slacker Kelvin Smith who works as a cleaner in movie studios. He accidentally fell into one of the cabinets which contains all Hollywood's movie reels which revealed a secret hole in the wall. Looking inside Smith found the long lost Clerks movie and stole it. After watching it he realised he could become a fat millionaire if he released it- it was the nineties and this was just the sort of comedy that people flocked to see. Being an amateur filmmaker himself he spliced in a couple of scenes starring himself and adding a couple of his favourite songs to the track. Taking his movie to Caines (the Southern French town owned by Michael who runs a yearly film festival there) he hoped his movie would be successful. Low down and behold, he was right! Clerks kick started a new wave of funnies, where people talked about their favourite movies and comics with toilet metaphors and sexy treats thrown in.
Clerks (pronounced Clirks) is about 2 friends who work in a shop in Kansas. One works in a Video shop, the other in a greengrocers, but both just sit about bored all day and make fun of the customers as they have a higher intellect. Observe the following exchange: Customer: Excuse me, can I buy this milk? Randy (sighs and tuts): Uh! You f*cking idiot! Of course you CAN buy this milk as long as you have tree fiddy. You should be asking MAY I buy this milk. You are an imbecile. Customer: F*ck you! Randy: Oh
wow! You must have a Shakespearean grasp of the English language and a huge brain to have thought up such a witty and well developed response. (Customer walks away) Randy: Yeah! Yo Momma!
Between customers they climb onto the top of the shop and play an American version of the English game Chess, known as Roof Hockey. Occasionally they argue about their favourite films: Randy: Which did you like better- Police Acad3my 3 or Police Academy 4? Dainty: 3 Randy: You blaspheme! Dainty: Nein! 3 Was when Zedd finally joined the good guys, he screamed at the door and made it fall down, all the other recruits were training again to further their policing skills, and Mauser was much better than Harris. Randy: Idiotte! 4 had tones of great new recruits, hot air balloons, yumma yumma yumma yumma YUM-MA! And Tony Hawk. All 3 had was a bunch of Muppets.
So goes their lives. The film is a series of loosely connected skits either dialogue or slapstick based, all revolving around brown jokes. My main problem is that the film is too American. I didn't really get most of the obscure movie references and a lot of the words used are foreign to me. A lot of the time I don't understand the accent and it is made worse by the fact that it is black and white. The film therefore is clearly very old and out of touch with today's language and society. I did enjoy a couple of parts, like when the wench goes into the traps and Spacs up an oul chump, getting a mouth gift in the wrong place. Broxn!
Best Scene: When the popular comedy due Joe and Salient Burt are dancing outside; that one scene explained more to me about America in the 1940s than any text book ever did.
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Party On Bill! Party On Ted!
Will and Ted's Bodacious journey is an existential trip through themes of mortality, religion, time, Heaven and Hell, man's quest for fame and his fears of the body being overcome by a soulless machine. It is the most intelligent work of fiction since Paradise Lost and references many great past works of art- Dante, Iron Maiden, Virgil, Shakespeare. This time the dudes are a famous rock band having travelled through time collecting icons from the past- Napolean, Joan Of Ark (Noah's wife), Oscar Wilde, and Charles Darwin. They took the skills they learned from each of these people, abducted a couple of Princesses, and finally learned to play their guitars and write hit songs. These songs teach the world to love again and war, hunger, evil are vanquished for eternity. We fast forward into the distant future where an evil dictator who despises good music called Simon Cow-Al wants to rule the world. He eats Rooshus (the cool guy from the first film who helps Bill Playboy Esquire and Ted Theodore Alvin) and gains the power to send two cyborgs back in time. The cyborgs are living tissue over metal exoskeleton and coated in mimetic poly alloy allowing them the survive the turmoil of time travel, and they can imitate anything they sample by physical contact. It is their job to Kill the good Biff and Fred and take over their lives by making terrible music that no-one could like. By doing this they will change the world forever- Gryll and Jed's music will never be made leaving a world of war, famine, and hatred, and more annoyingly, bland boy/girl group pop music. There is a startling twist as the good guys actually are killed and they have to work out a way to save the world, themselves, and their wives from the evil Dopplebangers inhabiting their bodies.
Penelope Spheerhead shows her knowledge of both youth culture and real culture by mixing modern day music and phrases with post modern sets and artistic references, and seeks to teach us all something by delving into our very psyche to show us ourselves. She presents the nightmares which faced the late 80s teen in a society which had abandoned them and beckons us to dissect the post structuralist jingoism, self love, and malaise of the time. Charging us with a belief that we can indeed change the world it is an inspiring message, but in order to achieve such dreams we must traverse and indeed face our nightmares. To overcome is to succeed, to defeat Death is the first step in truly living and not merely surviving. In the words of Kenneth Reeves- 'Wow!' Best Scene: For a fun game- see how many songs, bands, and albums cover references you can spot throughout the film. There are at least 6.
American Graffiti (1973)
George 'Apology Accepted' Lucas Strikes Back!
American Graffiti is aBurroughsesque cut up segment movie about what George 'Me's a so sorry' Lucas got up to when he was a teen in the 1920s. It seems that George 'Warwick "Willow" 'Wicket' Davis' Lucas liked to drive cars, avoid school, listen to rock in roll Muzak and get into various scrapes with girlies. Of course George 'Never see me and Spielberg in the same place' Lucas's favourite past time was defacing local establishments with graffiti. George 'Short Round' Lucas and his gang would scrawl such witticisms as 'Nerds suck!', 'Berry Rulez OK!', and 'I have visited Lola's pants' all over buildings and walls. Theu would ruthlessly organise 'hits' on certain places: homes of teachers and enemies, toilet walls (sometimes not with paint), and alleyways. 'The Fonze Is My Daddy', 'School is 4 fools', 'LOLZ! I fragged sum Noob's Ass on Halo 20 timez ROFL!' and 'George "we cannot agree to this Treaty, Senator" Lucas Waz ere!' also make appearances. It's all very funny and perplexing.
George 'Strike Me Down' Lucas directs his first feature feelim here and gathers together a cast of unknowns who would go on to remain unknowns, with the possible exception of Harry 'Son' Ford. It was quite a success for George 'Akbar' Lucas, earning him a lovely first pile of money and an Academy Award nomination. The film has an authentic 50s feels as all the characters have funny names like Curt, Chad, 'Steve' and Flapiddy Sshlap. The cars and clothes and musics and hair cuts are all fairly accurate proving that Gunga Lucas was about in those days and observed everything from his mother's basement. We watch the lives of these characters over a few years, some race cars, some race tractors, some die, some go on to have successful careers. Of course the most successful career prize would go to George 'I killed them all, even the children!' Lucas. With the money he made from this he made, after a brief 3 year holiday to Jamaica, the greatest film trilogy of all time- Star Warp! Best Scene: When two main characters are having a game of Turkey in their cars, and the bad guy spins out and crashes. The hero, based on George 'ooh my, R2!' Lucas, leaps over the front of his car and punches out the bad guy. A blue flash takes over the screen and he is suddenly transported to another place, in the arms of a naked lady who kisses him. Just as he wonders what is going on a burly man bursts into the room with a shotgun- 'Daddy!?' she cries. 'Oh boy!' replies our hero. George 'no to Jabba Wanka' Lucas.
Young Guns II (1990)
Rolling Rolling rolling, Rawhaw!
Young Guns 2: Part 2, is as much an ensemble piece as the first film was. Survivors from the first film (Shat Pack favourites- Charlie 'Mr' Sheen, Ann Diamond Phillips, Emilio 'I wish I was Michael J Fox' Extevez, and Keifer 'Lost Boy' Southland) come together again with a host of new pups including Jonathan Bon Jovi, Chuck Norris, Muslim Slater, and Conrad Dorito. The plot follows the gang coming together again after the exploits of the first film- they have all been on the run from legendary law man Wyatt Ear who believes they are responsible for several murders and atrocities. Since the first film most have gone their separate ways. Billy The Boy has been rampaging through Texas robbing from the rich and giving to the poor, then killing the poor, and eating the rich. Doc has been on holiday in Mexico, has got himself a gal and spends his days making poetry, his night making sweet love. Neil Diamond Philips has been off on some sort of Spirit Guide affair, finding his inner Peyote and living in peace. They realise though that White Herpy is getting close and absolutely will not stop, ever, until they are dead. Or arrested. They need to ride once more, not Runaway, they may go down in a Blaze of Glory, but at least Someday they'll be Saturday night.
This film is basically a remake of the first, albeit with a new plot and characters. It teaches you a lot about the Cowboys that used to roam about England before it was renamed America. There are shoot outs, drinking, women, and horses- everything you would expect in a good Western/Blue movie. We learn that Jimmy The Kid is actually one of the few remaining Demi-Mortals- humans who age anything from 2 to ten times slower than the rest of us. Whether or not this has been proved to be historically true is open for debate as no body was ever found and some claim to see him giggling and jumping through their wheat fields at night while they sit on their porch rocking chair sipping Sasparella.
Best Scene: When they are trapped with their backs to the wall and decide to charge out firing their guns in slow motion as the picture fades to sepia, and Living On A Prayer plays in the background. It makes me wish I was a Cowman and roam the desert shooting hippies!
Viva Las Vegas (1964)
Vivar Lars Vergarse
I understand that Elvis used to be some sort of big shot musician and singer a hundred years ago, and that he branched out into films like all pop stars inevitably do. Now I like my music heavy and hard, like a Wooly Mammoth having a boxing match with a T-Rex, and instead of gloves on their fists they have Blue Whales. Faster than a flock of sparrows down a toilet, tougher than a man made of cacti, like chewing diamonds with teeth made of dynamite. Of course I know who Elvis is and or was, and I understand that the progression of rock and metal music may as well have started with him. He stole it from the blues and made it popular, Chuck Berry, L'il Rick gave it a rougher sexy edge, The Beatles made it smarter and more experimental, then Zep, Prog, Punk, NWOBHM, and grunge all shaped later sounds. However, going back all those steps and Elvis music is about as rockin as a one legged mouse with no legs. Some of the songs are good, but they really should have included Stairway.
The plot follows Elvis to the village of Vargas. There he meets a witch whom he conquers with the power of his thighs and quivering upper lip. 'Mmrrhm umma gonna bust yourhmm up good ma'am'm' he quips. After this she grants him one wish. Being a good fella he sees that the village is impoverished beyond belief and wishes that the village become a great city and that he is its 'King'. We then flash forward several hundred years to the new city of Las Vegas where Vargas once stood. His wish has come true- the city is huge, everyone who lives there is rich and successful, people come from all over the world to visit it, and he is The King. He isn't happy however, being a thousand year old immortal perpetually stuck in the body of 1950s greaser. He has everything he could possibly want- money, love, fame, success- everything except love. He carries the soul of the old witch in his crotch and has the power to make one final wish- he wishes for the love of a good woman. There is one catch though- if he does this he will have to give up all his wealth. He does this, and along comes a woman (played by Olivia Newton Prestly). He has to win her love by winning a series of car races and by proving that money isn't important. Throw into this a few songs about gambling, prostitution, and Joe Pesci, and we have one of the first classic musicals.
I hate musicals. Everyone's sitting there talking or racing, and suddenly they burst into song!!? When does that ever happen in real life!? I want to see films where army men shoot down helicopters with machetes, where robots that shoot lasers out of their various holes try to kill us all, where ninjas have to stop hordes of zombies and people have their insides eaten and thrown about the room like shoes in an OLAP cube. On the good side, I did find myself tapping my feet at a few of the songs and cheering when Elvis won a race. Now that I think about it, it is a great film. Buy it now! Best Scene: When Priestley is racing a man in a black helmet towards the finish line, but he shoots some staples out of his car (Maxi Power) which blow up the tyres of the bad guy and send him spinning off the track in a hellish ball of terror and flames into a crowd of innocent bystanders. I thought the fact that he was singing 'Are Ye Lonesome Tonight' was a tad inappropriate though.