upstreamtuna Reviews

Fright Night (2011)

A fresh breath for vampire movies

[5 September 2011]

I haven't seen the original. But, I haven't seen a good vampire movie since "Let the Right One In" in 2008. With all the "Twilight" crap steaming up the Hollywood industry, it felt SO good to breathe a breath of fresh air while watching a vampire movie.

The plot sticks to basic: A vampire moves in next door to a teenage boy, and when certain suspicions arise, said teenager learns that his next door neighbor is a vampire.

The characters are SO great. You have Charley, the nerd turned jock played by Anton Yelchin. Jerry, the harmlessly named vamp, played by Collin Ferrell. Evil Ed, the geeky friend of Charlie that has been tracking Jerry for weeks, played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Jane, Charlie's mother, played by Toni Collette. Amy, Charlie's popular girlfriend, played by Imogen Poots. And last but certainly not least, Peter Vincent, the wannabe vampire hunter who's parent's were killed by vampires, played by David Tennant (who easily steals the show with every scene he's in).

This movie is horrific and creepy at times, and super funny at others. The main cast is great and the story is good. I just wish they would have given a little more time for the suspense to build up around Jerry. It felt like it jumped fast from the start to where the story really starts to pick up speed, and then this movie is over just as fast as it began. That is my only gripe.

Other than that, it is good. Better than Shark Night 3D, and Conan. If you go to the theater anytime soon, see this one.

4/5

Shark Night (2011)

It would have been good for an original Sci-Fi channel film...

[5 September 2011]

I saw this one at the drive-in, but thankfully it was backed up by "Fright Night".

The premise is very simple: Sharks in a lake start eating the college kids who go into the lake.

There is somewhat of back-story involving the hillbillies that put the sharks in the lake and attached cameras to them to record the sharks eating people, which then they would sell to get money. Lots of money. It takes itself WAY too seriously.

The villainous hicks in the film are relatively more scary than the actual sharks in the film.

I completely lost interest in the film when they killed off the most interesting character (Joel David Moore; of "Avatar", "Hatchet", and "Grandma's Boy" fame.)

I can't say much about this one. If you want to watch something of this quality, watch the Sci-Fi channel on a Saturday night. This DID NOT need to make it to the big screen.

2/5

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Not as bad as everyone says it is, but that doesn't mean it's not bad.

[22 August 2011]

Let state a few things before I start saying things about this movie. 1: I have not read any of the books. 2: I am a big fan of the original 1982 film.

Both of those being said, I can start talking about this movie.

It starts off alright, with a voice over from Morgan Freeman (if they put that name drop in there, I'm sure this movie would have been more successful) telling us the background of the world we are about to enter.

Now the first scene, is the scene that confused my emotions so bad that I actually almost thought this movie would be awesome. This scene is when Ron Perlman guts his wife and pulls out there son so she can see him before she dies from a wound obtained in battle. She names him Conan, and then does one of those cheesy "turn your head to the side and stick your tongue out when you die" moves. And then Ron Perlman holds up the most atrocious looking CGI/animatronic (I'm sure it was more CGI though) babies I have ever seen.

This made me laugh SO hard. And I thought if they kept pulling cheesy stuff like that out their asses, this movie could actually be a fun time.

We get more fun, as Conan is a little more grown up, and is now a young boy. Our first action scene is Young Conan fighting off growling wild- men. After that was over all I could say was, "BADASS!"

Soon after, Perlman is training Conan to fight, and we see that Conan is not yet ready. He storms off into the woods throwing a temper tantrum, and hears the sound of horses hooves. This is the evil, Khalar Zym. He invades Conan's village, looking for the last piece of a magical headpiece. He kills everyone as far as we know, except for Conan and his father. Khalar ties Perlman to a bucket of lava hanging from the ceiling, Perlman is chained to said bucket, and if he moves he dies. Khalar's daughter finds the last piece to the mask, and they storm out of the village burning the barn that Conan and his father are currently residing in. Conan is tugging desperately on the other side of the chains, to keep the fire/lava from falling on his father's head, but his father takes it upon himself to do what must be done. He pulls the bucket of scorching hot fire atop his head (kind of how Momoa killed the asshole from Game of Thrones... *wink-wink*).

Nothing of much importance happens after that. We get the same-old, same-old, story line of most the straight to Sci-Fi movies.

Hero: CHECK! Damsel: CHECK! Evil baddie related to hero's past: CHECK! Other baddies killed off one by one and given NO development: CHECK! Evil daughter of the main baddie: CHECK! Incomprehensibly boring action sequences: BIG CHECK!

To describe what happened in the span after the first 30 minutes and before the last 30 minutes, read above. None of it is really that important.

So after all the stupid stuff is over with, Conan regroups with a man that he met before, after the love interest (Tamara) is kidnapped by the main baddie, Khalar Zym. Typical. This man gets Conan into the big castle-thingy-that's-not-really-a-castle and upon arriving, we are thrust into the fun last 30 minutes (Which involves about 10 minutes of Conan fighting goons and the last lesser baddie, while trying to avoid being devoured by a huge octopus thingy, and also trying to save his "friend" that got him in there in the first place). After all is said and done, Conan parts ways with his "friend" and goes to save Tamara. He has some fun swordplay with Khalar Zym and then runs away from him. He goes to save Tamara from Rose McGowan, kills Rose McGowan, runs away from Khalar, and then confronts and kills Khalar.

NOT AT ALL like the 82' version. And I'm glad they didn't try to remake that version. This one is more of a reboot.. (If you can't remember Arnold left the Conan series because he didn't want to be type-cast as the sword toting badass that he was in the Conan movies. So we got 2/3 Conan movies.. Barbarian and Destroyer, and the last one was never made.. this is most likely the reason they made the 2011 version, so they could tell the story without ruining the Arnold series).

Bad acting, horrible story, and atrocious character development ruin this movie. The only good saving aspects are the lead actress Rachel Nichols, and the first and last 30 minutes...

But the number one reason I don't prefer this movie, is because there is no Arnold. Not even a cameo... (which is silly, because Lionsgate distributed this film, and one of their first films ever distributed was Terminator 2. At least pay the guy who got this company off the ground his respects with a cameo!).

You don't need to see this movie. Don't look for it on DVD, but if you see it on cable or HBO around this time next year, go ahead and watch it. But you really don't need to.

2.5/5