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Reviews
The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
The Men From AWFUL
The Man From Uncle (TMFU) Remake: What IS it? Ugh. Ptooie. don't bother.It is awful. It is another movie branded as TMFU but is NOT. And its not even that good a stand alone movie even if you knew it's not what you wanted! This thing is NOT a remake of what we enjoyed as teenagers, it displaces the period to the Cold War. Casting is terrible, Solo and Kuryakin are wrong, played stiffly, badly, with no sense of levity. The Man From Uncle's themes were not Cold War themes except vaguely. The original was much more tongue in cheek, satirical, and the bad guys were Thrush, more like Spectre. TMFU was nonpolitical and fun. This just stinks. Thrush stood for The Technological Hierarchy for the Removal of Undesirables and the Subjugation of Humanity. like the victors say Nazis are said to have been, I guess. The casting on this one could not have been more wrong. The mood, setting, feeling, was all wrong. It was like it was based entirely on another concept and just relabeled as The Man From Uncle.BAD. Neither of the main characters had any of the charm or style the originals had,even on the limited budget that the original MFU had. It depended on strong characterization and a sense of fun. This thing has NONE of that other than being passably OK with period sets and some of its costuming. It copies the original's yellow with blue outlined subtitles in the same fonts and colors, but uses them badly. They were not done well and vanish into the background. Being hard of hearing I notice this. The music is not even derivative or familiar of Jerry Goldsmith's theme. It runs more like an Italian knock off of old spy movies and is nowhere near as fun. I could not bear to finish it and turned it off. My score on the Man From Uncle, remake: -10. A piece of crap. And it wasn't just me-- it was a box office failure and for good reason.
The Witches (1966)
Afro-babble-voodoo-Nonsense
Hammer's had some stinkers in their history, but this awful flick has my vote for the WORST Hammer film of ALL TIME. Poor Joan Fontaine is wasted in this utterly listless, dull piece of Brit-film trash! It goes from boring to absurd, goofy and embarrassing. Reputedly a movie about witchcraft it doesn't know which type, so it throws in a mix of all varieties, even a parody of Saint Lucia! Maybe the director didn't know what direction he was headed in either. The film has the feel of a plot line sketched on a cocktail napkin.
I find it interesting though, how many Brit films depict rural UK and small village residents, in a less than flattering light as parochial, stupid and superstitious oafs! Not too complimentary. Much as farmers, rural, mountain or hill people in the US are depicted by Hooeywood.
Besides being almost devoid of action except for a goofy, ridiculous and superstitious genre-mixing sequence with a bunch of actors writhing around and eating... well, who knows what, there is SO much wrong with this movie that if there were a MINUS TEN, that's what I'd give it. Please don't waste time on it if you value your time!
Sin City (2005)
A Sin it was even made
This is a disgustingly wretched pieces of violence-porn filth. These "movies" always make me wonder: how did it ever get funded? And how did it ever get filmed? The only thing this needed to be totally in the sewer is zombies! I found it nauseating. If anything it only serves to illustrate the kind of degenerate and politically corrupt climate now being implemented by the Looter & Liar in Chief. Hollywood continues its revolting degenerate spiral to the bottom. Not even worth a five minute look, unless you have the kind of sick twisted soul who like this kind of violence-porn. Save your time, save your money, and don't even bother.
Lords of the Deep (1989)
High School Film Class Attempt Sinks to New Depths!
Abyss-mal in any sense! High school film company attempt fails, sinks to new lows. I like any kind of underwater movies but almost anyone has done one, better than this! I agree with other reviewers, it is so bad it isn't even fun that it's bad. Beneath Rotten Tomatoes! It lifts every single plot element from other movies. It surprises me that it was made in 1989, almost every aspect of film making had progressed exponentially, so this looks dated, anachronistic and even worse. It looks like the kind of old black and white film serials produced in the 30's, then shown Saturday morning on TV. Bataray creatures from Abyss, psychotic from Abyss/other movies; earthquake, from Abyss; submarines from model kits or toys; Envirowacko gloom, from virtually everything Hollywood has done for the last twenty years; incoherent background whispering and silly "special effects" designed (but failing) to emulate slitscan "trips" from 2001; worst soundtrack and dialogue ever seen, no budget for music, so instead there are excerpts from everything, so it is as incoherent and cheesy and dumb as the rest of the flick! Bradford Dillman as yet another of his psychotic roles, affected twitch and all. Dillman must have done this as a personal favor to Corman, who should be ashamed of this dumb piece of video garbage. But, as we all know Corman has no shame, he's gotten wealthy by churning out cheesy B flicks like this one and cheating audiences worldwide, for many years. He's still doing it now on SyFy, churning out their cheesy junk. What has to be the cheesiest, cheapest sets and props every assembled in one place, looking like rejects (rejects!!) from old Irwin Allen movies (even he did underwater better than this!) complete with inane, stupid dialogue and hopelessly bad acting, and a totally inept, senseless ending with... well, no ending. How did the director ever get this thing funded? I threw this one into our "donate" pile right after I watched it. Eeyikes.
What a BAD movie. Honestly, don't waste 79 minutes of your life on this piece of crap, it isn't even worth the time.