limoncella-641-42235 Reviews

Skylanders Academy (2016–2018)

Better than you think

[7/10 · 5 November 2016]

I will admit first and foremost that while I personally have never played a Skylanders video game, I have played some of the older Playstation titles that some characters that appear in this show originate from.

So with this small knowledge of what the games are like, combined with the knowledge that most of Netflix's previous shows (even those made for kids) have been pretty decent in the past, I approached this cartoon with middle of the road expectations.

The first episode stole my interest right off the bat with some legitimately funny jokes, a musical earworm of a theme song and fantastic animation. At first the characters appear rather ordinary and uncomplex, but over the course of the show we learn more and more about them and they become far more compelling to watch.

After looking into the backgrounds of the creators; voice actors and writers of this show, it's obvious a lot of talented people have come into this show from all sorts of backgrounds, and that talent is not misguided or inappropriate, it all works in creating a special kind of animated children show that's elevated way above the level of quality we usually come to expect. Highly recommended.

Shark Exorcist (2014)

A z grade shark movie made with zero effort that never delivers the goods

[1/10 · 1 July 2016]

The premise of this movie caught my interest. A Great White Shark possessed by Satan living in a lake is feasting on young attractive women and a priest is called in to perform an exorcism and destroy the monster.

Shark movies all typically follow the same formula, so the idea of a demonically possessed shark seemed an unusual gimmick compared to your standard shark fare, however the kind of film I envisioned once I read the premise was not even close to the kind of film it ended up being.

This is a really muddled movie, sometimes it's a typical shark attack movie, but it's also a vampire movie and also an Exorcist inspired possession movie. These ideas might have worked, but at only 70 minutes long there simply isn't enough time to develop these story elements with any cohesion.

The whole movie looks and sounds terrible, with a cheap low-end digital look typical of YouTube videos, scuzzy audio design and nonexistent choreography. I was honestly shocked when i saw the director has been making movies for some 30 odd years, Shark Exorcist looks like something a first year film school dropout would have been embarrassed to make.

It's clear from the finished product that no one involved in the making of this movie cared whatsoever. It fails as entertainment, it doesn't even work as a piece of Schlock Cinema, it's just a forgettable cash-grab piece of trash.

Chappie (2015)

A hopefully tragic misstep in the career of an immensely talented director

[4/10 · 6 March 2015]

I still remember vividly six years ago when District 9 first came on the scene and shocked the world. One of the first true Sci-fi masterpieces since the Millennium was here. Nobody had ever seen a movie like it before, and the fact that it came out of nowhere had everyone asking questions about Neill Blomkamp the director: "who made this movie?", "where has this person been all this time" and "what will he do next?".

Blomkamps sophomore effort Elysium (2013) was made with the backing of a major studio, given a massive budget and featured A-lister Matt Damon in the lead. While Elysium is not the classic District 9 is, it's an enjoyable film well enough, with some fine action scenes and excellent visual effects, but despite the amazing technical direction the films script was a mess of lazy clichés and heavy handed social commentary, you cannot be at fault for calling Elysium a disappointment.

Chappie represents and attempt to get back to those roots that flung Blomkamp into the spotlight in the first place. Much like D9, Chappie is set in Johannesburg, features Sharlto Copley in the lead, has a relatively modest production budget, and like D9 is a remake of a short film that Blomkamp made years ago.

To call Blomkamp a master of visual effects is a pointlessly blatant statement, the man clearly knows what he's doing effects wise. Chappie himself and all the digital effects throughout are magnificent, you simply cannot tell where the seams are in this movie.

The actions scenes are outstanding too, Blomkamp learned his lesson from Elysium and the shaky-cam is almost entirely gone. All the big explosive scenes are beautifully choreographed and make up for a lot of pacing problems with the film.

But that is where most of the positive points with Chappie end, because for everything that works there's about 2 things that really don't.

The biggest problem with the movie are the characters, despite Chappies name being the title and his face being plastered on every single piece of marketing for the film he simply doesn't work as a main character. Chappie doesn't appear until about 30 minutes into the film, and then he goes through a slow period of learning that takes up way too much of the second act of this film. The things he learns from his "mommy and daddy" are questionable acts of crime and degeneracy that make you not like the character, and towards the end of the film when Blomkamp lays on the Jesus metaphors really thick you don't understand entirely what Chappie is even trying to do or why. When you don't understand where the lead character in a movie is coming from there's a disconnect with the audience.

The supporting characters are really what sink the movie however. Ninja is a disgusting human being that you don't want to root for, his attempts to turn Chappie into a "Gangsta" are childish and embarrassing, Yolandi brings no meat or intensity to her role, she is really out of her depth as an actress here, Blomkamp needs to learn from the mistake of casting these two that rappers don't always make good actors. Despite being in the film tonnes, Dev Patel leaves no impression, once he builds Chappie and hands him over to the crooks, he has almost no further bearing on the story, writing him out early instead of carrying his dead weight around would have been preferable. Sigourney Weaver is a really good actress in a thankless role that could have been played by anyone. Now, Hugh Jackman is the only character worth a damn, because he's the only person that makes sense as far as motives go, but he spends most of the movie making mean faces at Dev Patel, it's only right at the end that he gets to flex his muscles and do something.

With a more consistent tone, a shorter run time and a complete overhaul of all its characters Chappie could have been one for the ages like District 9, but as it stands it's just kind of nothing. I still believe Blomkamp is a great filmmaker with lots of potential but he needs to get his act together and learn from his mistakes, especially if he's going to direct the next Alien movie.

Into the Woods (2014)

The Cow randomly dropping dead was the perfect visual metaphor for the whole movie.

[2/10 · 13 January 2015]

Monotonous, Alienating and Shockingly Cheap looking, Into the Woods is a movie that was seriously misguided from its initial inception.

As a musical, it's a total disaster, there is not one single memorable song from the whole film and the songs themselves are ugly monstrosities that are badly mixed and lazily written, as soon as one begins you're practically begging for it to stop.

It's a hugely irritating film to watch as an audience member because everything that happens in the film is arbitrary, everything that happens in the movie is something that happens because the film needs to get somewhere, there is no natural flow to the story. Characters suddenly die, characters suddenly appear, characters suddenly can do things they couldn't do before just do get the movie to the next scene without affecting the main plot at all.

The story itself it a hodge-podge of classic fairytailes cobbled together to form a unique story for the film, which may not have a been a bad idea for a film, but the actual story they went with makes little sense. Emily Blunt and James Corden are bakers who are trying to have a baby together, but the witch who lives next door (Meryl Streep) has cursed their family to never have children because James Cordens father stole vegetables from her garden years ago. She says she can lift the curse if they find her 4 magical objects and return them to her in 3 nights. That's the main story, there's some minor subplots sprinkled throughout with some iconic fantasy characters but none of that matters, they all converge on Emily Blunt and James Cordens' story.

The acting is mostly fine, this movie is shockingly well cast. Meryl Streep is Meryl Streep she was great regardless, Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick they were fine too. Chris Pine stood out, or at least his accent did, he seemed to be having fun at least. I may be alone here but I liked Johnny Depp, he was in it just enough to not be irritating and I liked the design of his character. But why is James Corden in this? he's a soap opera level actor at best. There's a key scene in the third act where he is told his wife is dead, and Corden acts like he just dropped his fork on the floor.

But the worst thing is how Cheap the whole film looks, 95% of the film is shot on a very obvious forest set that looks the same, i'm sure they filmed it from as many angles as possible, but there was no fooling. The CGI was awful, the giants looked unfinished and the background Matte work was obvious and murky, "we don't have the money to finish a visual effect? cover it in Fog!".

The worst element was how they masked not having a budget for certain scenes. There are 3 instances where Cinderella runs out of the ball to escape the Prince, and in none of the 3 instances do we ever see the inside of the ballroom, just the castle stairs. Jack climbs the beanstalk to reach the giants several times, but instead of showing it through visuals the film has a song number for Jack to sing describing the giants home. Emily Blunt falls off a cliff, but we never see her fall, we never even see her trip over, we never even see her body for pity's sake.

It's a mess of a musical, plain and simple, I try not to judge films as soon as they start, but when the movie began and it starts with a horrible musical number, the feeling of dread was powerful. I can only recommend this for die hard fans of musicals and for live-action Disney film completionists.

Godzilla (2014)

Godzilla delivers enough, but is it wrong to ask for more?

[8/10 · 15 May 2014]

Godzilla works, thank goodness. It's suspenseful, exciting, fun and almost everything I could have possibly wanted it to be.

But may I please get some more Godzilla in my Godzilla movie please?

What the movie gains in tension and suspense is sadly lost with a lacklustre delivery of the guy we all came to see, I just don't think Godzilla appears enough throughout the film to justify calling the movie "Godzilla".

Godzilla appears mostly in moments intended to make fans "squee" and I can see now why these were the scenes they played at festivals to promote the movie.

Also it appears that much of the storytelling is delivered with a lot of labour, everything has to be explained in detail removing a lot of the mystery and intrigue behind the monsters. Also making the dark-super- serious Godzilla almost feels redundant because it's impossible to escape the series' shlocky B-Movie origins.

Gareth Edwards was one of the best choices to direct this movie and he has a distinct eye for little moments amidst scenes of big scope, but by focusing on the humans instead of Godzilla most of the time it cheapens the spectacle and it feels very disappointing.

It is good movie, and i'm recommending it highly for what it gets right, but I must emphasize the lack of Godzilla in Godzilla.

Neighbors (I) (2014)

Ever been to one of those parties where everyone is having a great time, but you can't wait for it be over?

[4/10 · 3 May 2014]

That's this movie.

I don't want to completely hate on this movie, but essentially what this entire movie is, is a bunch of actors getting together and having a fun time while accidentally making a movie in tandem.

There are some big, big laughs here (most of them from Zac Efron surprisingly) even if the trailer spoiled the best ones, but I just don't find Seth Rogens "he's a big fat guy who loves weed" Shtick funny anymore, he's been doing it for doing for too long.

Plus most of the jokes are obviously improvised, like they just walked onto set that day with a rough idea of how the scene should play out and just decided to wing it, and for about every 1 joke that hits, there's about 5 that don't.

I also hated the huge lapses in logic, what about the other neighbours? wont the noise coming from the fraternity irritate them as well? and why do these parents think that a discarded condom would immediately give their baby HIV? and I don't think the Dean of the university would have been so blasé about a complaint from the public.

What difference did it even make to have them be a fraternity anyway?, The story would have worked just fine if it had been a group of loud, obnoxious young people. The only reason it was a fraternity was to attract college audiences.

Transcendence (I) (2014)

Stupid, Boring and a Huge Embarrassment to all Involved.

[3/10 · 20 April 2014]

Dr Will Caster (Johnny Depp) develops a sentient computer device with unsurpassed processing power. When fatally poisoned by a radical techno-terrorist organisation he and his wife (Rebecca Hall) upload his consciousness into his invention to preserve his life, but the now unrestrained supercomputer soon develops a frightening ambition that blurs the line between humanity and technology.

It seems that every few years somebody in Hollywood tries to redo The Lawnmower Man, which is by no means a perfect movie (especially with its laughable, early generation CGI) but it harbours an interesting premise; what happens if we ignore our own judgement and let our technology get the better of us?. It's an old sci-fi trope going back decades that has definitely become a crutch of story telling to some extent, but any good idea is worth exploring again, and with such an impressive cast and a very promising production team behind it, hopes were high for Transcendence to be a good movie.

Unfortunately though, it isn't. Transcendence is a turgid, lifeless bore of a film that doesn't really offer anything insightful about its subject matter because it's so single mindedly stupid about it. All the parts about technology, philosophy and what it means to be human are all thrown to the wayside, and the movie instead grounds most of its logic on the relationship between two people like its the most important thing in this world. In a movie where technology is used to heal the sick, rebuild the forests and even cure death, all the movie wants us to care about is how Rebecca Hall cannot possibly go on living without her dead husband and how all that amazing wonderful miracle-making doesn't mean anything.

I'm not even sure who the main character is supposed to be. Depp is in the movie in the flesh only for about 15 minutes and after that he disappears mostly into the background of scenes as a computer program making it hard to relate to him. Hall acts so selfish, stupid and blunt throughout that it's impossible to like her as an audience member. It certainly isn't Paul Bettany either, he's a prisoner through most of the film and when he's not, the things that are happening are more or less out of his control.

Also the vagueness of the films antagonist is a real problem, we're led to believe that Computerised-Depp is the main antagonist, but he's not really, a computer operating by logic is hard to hate as a viewer, because it's just doing what's in its own nature, and many of the miracles its capable of are not, in and of themselves evil either (since when was healing the blind considered unjust?). It certainly isn't the Techno-Terrorist group R.I.F.T either, their motivations as terrorists isn't even particularly clear other than "Technology is Bad", Shooting Johnny Depp over a hypothesis seems more like stupidity than martyrdom. Also during the films climax they become good guys.

Johnny Depp was reportedly paid $20 million for his role in this movie, and in my opinion he didn't earn his salary. He is stiff, lifeless, bored (that's even before he gets uploaded into a computer) and obviously uninterested in the finished product. Rebecca Hall is trying very hard here, but the terrible writing of her character hamstring her efforts. Paul Bettany is good here and is probably the films strongest asset, but he's not in the film enough and pretty much useless by the time the conclusion comes. Morgan Freeman and Cillian Murphy are just there, they don't really have anything interesting to say or do. Kate Mara gives by far the worst performance, the bad writing of her character hurts her more than others, but she was impossible to buy as the stern, serious leader of an organised terrorist group.

There's also a huge lack of understanding of rudimentary film making skills at play. Wally Pfister is a gifted cinematographer and the film does look good generally speaking, but working cinematography on a movie and directing an entire movie are two completely different ball games. Many aspects of film-making are botched here: Framing, Blocking, Dynamics between Characters, Editing, Camera Movements but especially Pacing. This is one of the worst Paced movies in quite some time, nothing that happens in the story has any momentum, and this coupled with the poor direction over everything else makes the whole movie completely dull to watch (the biggest mistake is that film begins with the ending, spoiling any and all tension during the movie).

I'm not saying that every movie needs to have an action scene either, there isn't a car chase during 12 Angry Men, but Transcendence builds to a huge final engagement and when it comes it's over with way too quickly.

It's a combination of many elements that could go wrong with a movie, and it's easy to blame Wally Pfister for the poor direction, but I think this movie represents a far bigger concern. Johnny Depp is currently the highest paid actor in the world, but this and some of his last films "The Lone Ranger" and "Dark Shadows" both had disappointing box office takings, which leads me to believe that maybe Depp's day are numbered, and/or perhaps we're entering a new age of movies where it doesn't matter who you cast, a stinker's a stinker and people wont flock to see garbage.

The Raid 2 (2014)

An Exercise in Perfect Sequel-Making

[8/10 · 11 April 2014]

Is The Raid 2 a perfect movie? i'm not sure, But a perfect sequel? absolutely.

The best movie sequels are the ones that take the basic framework of their predecessors and build upon it, stretching out and expanding the universe, moving the characters through different situations, going for different tones and even switching genres.

The genius of the first Raid movie was its simplicity, it was about a bunch of guys trying to escape a bad situation, the action everyone praises was just the plum in the pudding.

Now with the sequel, what Gareth Evans has done here is expand his own universe (which admittedly was a pretty small universe to begin with) and made an action movie yes, but also a pretty grandiose crime epic. In fact the crime story at hand is so good it would have made a fine film all on its own, but like its predecessor The Raid 2 knows how to play its cards right and balances storytelling with incredible fight scenes.

There is absolutely no conceivable way you can criticise the action in this movie, it's just not possible. Every fight scene has been shot, choreographed and edited to perfection. Several scenes in particular near the end of the film are likely to go down in history as the new benchmark for martial arts film-making.

I will admit the plot itself and some of the characters had me lost at times, but this was overcome after the halfway point once I understand the characters names and the story retracts into simpler focus. Some characters are so likable and memorable that they don't even need names like Baseball Bat Man and Hammer Girl. I did not care for Bejo however, his crooked teeth, greasy comb-over and limp made him too hammy to be taken seriously. Also two major characters from the first movie reappear way too briefly and I think The Raid 2's biggest missed opportunity was to under use them the way it did.

But it's Iko Uwais once again who steals the entire movie, his movement and speed is really the heart of the action, and while a lesser actor might have ruined the legitimacy of the quieter moments, he steals every scene he's in.

Because of the presence of a story to make you care about the characters, you stay invested through all the fighting, all the ups and downs our heroes go through we feel it too. Maybe it's too long and maybe there's a few too many fight scenes than necessary but for action fans this is a Must. I will never look as Baseball Bats and Hammers the same way ever again.

The Crater Lake Monster (1977)

Grade A Garbage Absolutely

[8/10 · 14 January 2014]

But, my God what intoxicatingly sweet-smelling Garbage it is.

I love this movie, in the same way I love watching people falling down on youtube. I don't get anything out of it other than cheap laughs at other peoples expense. Just imagining what these Yokels did wrong during the making of this movie is enough to send me into hysteria.

"'Ey Earl, You play that there Keyboard real well ya hear? It don' matter if you don't know how to play" "I got's Ma to make this here monster head outta card-y-board, make sure ya don' get it too wet tho'" "We gon' end this on a downer ya hear? We need our audience to feel the weight of Arnie's death ya-hear?"

We need movies like this. Because they show us exactly how NOT to make a movie. Film professors the world over will force the message that "Citizen Kane is the greatest film ever made" down our throats until we swallow it. No, Forget Orson Welles, what Bill Stromberg did with The Crater Lake Monster will teach you so much more.

Southland Tales (2006)

I Despise this Movie

[1/10 · 14 January 2014]

I despise this movie, no seriously, it can burn in hell.

I know it's been like eight years, but forget it, i'm still mad, I need to vent this frustration.

Richard Kelly lost his goddamn mind after Donnie Darko and not one of the producers on Southland Tales had any guts to call him out on his bulls**t because they didn't want to question his so-called genius and make it sound like they "Didn't Get It".

They "Didn't Get It" because there's nothing "To Get".

This is what happens when storytellers who can't control their visions are left to their own devices without any creative control. Similar circumstances gave us: One from the Heart, Heaven's Gate, A Serious Man, Matrix Reloaded, Moonwalker, Glitter, Death Proof, Lady in the Water and the Star Wars Prequels. All those vanity projects that lost their way, some being remembered as some of the worst movies of their time.

It's a good thing that Richard Kelly's career never recovered from this, as far as i'm concerned after making Southland Tales he should have been shot into the sun, but such a glamorous death is too kindly.

I hope and dream that one day I will walk into a McDonalds and catch him sweeping the floor.

Doctor Who: The Time of the Doctor (2013) Season 8, Episode 0

Probably the most mishandled episode in Doctor Who's history

[2/10 · 25 December 2013]

What a disappointment, The Time of the Doctor honestly feels like a huge waste of time, a straight hour of too-fast-to-follow convoluted nonsense that serves a purpose that could have been done in 10 minutes.

What we are ultimately getting to here is the regeneration of The Doctor from 11th doctor (Matt Smith) to the 12th doctor (Peter Capaldi). The Doctor explains however that Time Lords only have a certain number of regenerations before they permanently die and his time is almost up.

In The first 50 minutes of padding, we're wasting our time watching shoehorned in Christmas themes (The town they visit on the alien world is called "Christmas" for pity's sake), pointless supporting characters, even more pointless villains that literally only appear for seconds each, jokes that appear and are never brought up again (The Doctor shaved his head for some reason), bad love subplots and truly embarrassing make-up effects.

But the biggest insult is the way we get to the resolution we've all come to see, how does The Doctor overcome his death problem? Well honestly I can't tell you. The episode is moving so quickly with so much techno-babble being thrown around that the main crisis gets completely lost in the echo, and before we know it it's done, problem solved and we're all just supposed to buy it.

Now, I love Matt Smith as The Doctor, he's in my personal Top 3, but his final episode is nothing short of an embarrassment. He spends most of the episode hobbling about on a walking stick in terribly unconvincing old age make-up. I remember back in 2009 when David Tennant left the show, crying about how "He didn't want to go" and many people cried foul that his character wouldn't be so feeble in his final moments. Well these people can leave Tennant alone now because Matt Smith officially gets the most terrible send off in Doctor Who history. Firstly it happens twice, the first time he regenerates in the episode he's screaming like a lunatic at a horribly unconvincing special effects UFO in bad old man makeup. Which leaves a bad taste in the mouth for when it comes to the second regeneration scene. Now in the second time it happens, honestly Smith has some great dialogue (plus a cameo by an old friend) that gets the emotions rolling and just as he's about get the slow, dramatic regeneration we're used to BANG it's Peter Capaldi. With no build up or suspense here he is screaming like a maniac too and then BANG credits.

Words cannot convey. Anger. Disappointment. Confusion to name a few. Now I always welcome a new era of Doctor Who, when Matt Smith took over in 2009 the show went through a period of prosperity with some of the best episodes in the shows history. But as time's gone by, show runner Steven Moffat's writing has gotten more convoluted, clumsy and frantic. With more and more focus of changing the basic fundamentals of the shows long history and Matt Smiths charm has only diminished by each passing season. Considering how badly they messed up Peter Capaldi's introduction only makes me more adamant that they are going to continue on this downward trend.

I feel bad for Matt Smith who has to look back on this chapter of his career knowing this is how he was treated when they sent him off, I feel bad for Jenna Coleman who's now stuck in this show with a much older actor who wont work well with her at all, I fell bad for Peter Capaldi who is going to go into the next season with so much added baggage. But I feel most bad for the fans, this was our moment to say goodbye to Matt Smith and Steven Moffat has ruined it. Steven, season 5 was great and we love you for it, but you cannot be in charge of Doctor Who anymore, Please Stop.

Dhoom 3 (2013)

Supremely Enjoyable

[7/10 · 20 December 2013]

As someone who doesn't regularly watch Bollywood films (Dhoom 3 was the first I saw in the theatre) I was absolutely stunned at how much Dhoom 3 managed to surprise me during its vast runtime.

I cannot praise the action scenes in this movie enough, So many big Hollywood actions have dropped the ball in recent years, with obtuse use of shaky-cam and frantic over-editing. But Dhoom 3 was made by people who are masters of their craft, every jump, every punch, every slow-mo shot is framed and shot perfectly. The opening motorcycle chase through Chicago being one of the exciting chases of recent memory. Lead actor Aamir Khan carries this entire thing with a solid performance, he's clearly a little more suited to drama than action but he goes above and beyond for this film (even though I must question his wardrobe choices).

If there's an issue at all, it's in the second half of the film, which changes gears to focus more on the drama and as a result loses a lot of adrenaline. Also the very end of the film is likely to leave audiences downbeat.

For fans of Bollywood, and hell, even fans of Action Movies, Please check out Dhoom 3, it surprised me and i'm sure it can surprise more.

The Fifth Estate (2013)

Show Don't Tell

[4/10 · 11 October 2013]

Almost every scene in The Fifth Estate has characters talking, after watching this movie I fell like I had developed an allergy to the English language.

Now this isn't immediately a fault, there are many movies that are dialogue heavy. However when they sacrifice action and character development for more scenes of characters talking, something is rotten in Denmark.

Now we all know the story of Wikileaks, Julian Assange makes a website that leaks stories that have tried to be covered by certain authorities blahblahblah.

What we apparently didn't know is that Assange is some kind of crazy person from the Australian outback that harbours some kind of fetish for messing with big powerful governments and putting many lives in danger.

Now I must remind you, that this is our hero. This insane fool that could harken the doom of us all, is to be liked. This is a mighty big pill that the movie asks us to swallow.

I will say to the films credit it isn't boring, I never felt its length and Daniel Bruhl and Benedict Cumberbatch are very good as actors here. Plus the creative flair to the camera-work and direction means it does have some striking moments.

But as great as Cumberbatch may be, it doesn't change the fact that you never ever like his character.

Laura Linney and Stanley Tucci's roles are so redundant that you could cut out their scenes and the movie would be better for it.

But the big problem is the talking, it moved so fast and threw so much lingo around that by the third act I just didn't understand what was supposed to be happening.

Wikileaks will get more movies, I just hope we get a more comprehensive one.

Diana (2013)

Melodramatic Sludge

[1/10 · 11 October 2013]

Diana is a complete and utter catastrophe.

Instead of taking the most interesting aspects of Princess Diana's life and revolving a sort of character study around them, this movie chose the easy route. It's a romantic film about a rich person who falls in love with another rich person and one of them just so happens to be Princess Diana.

Our title character is played by Naomi Watts, a fine actress with many profound roles under her belt, but sadly she is just no good as Diana. While they certainly got the hair and wardrobe correct, she just can't BE Princess Diana. The character is horribly written, selfish, manipulative and surprisingly stupid with no sense of presence or dynamic sensibility, it really is some of the worst romantic movie writing ever put to screen. Even if Watts had given the best performance of her life, it still wouldn't have made the character a convincing movie heroine.

Romantic interest Hasnat Khan is the only interesting or dynamic character in the whole movie. This is a man who's torn between his heart, his job, his faith and his family, but the horrible screenplay only serves to have him whine endlessly. The actor is really trying to make something work here but the script is just too much of a quagmire of clichés and melodrama.

Director Oliver Hirschbiegel who made the fantastic Downfall back in 2004 achieved the impossible, he made you sympathise with the Nazis. Through intense drama and character building he achieved a real intensity of characters working through strife. But this film is completely missing anything that made Downfall the masterpiece that it is, this movie feels like something made for television.

After viewing Diana I had a thought, perhaps it was impossible to make a convincing biopic about Princess Diana, perhaps it was hubris to ever try. By glossing over everything that made her life so pronounced (her relationship and breakup with Prince Charles, her humanitarian work and eventually the suspicious circumstances around her death) it made the work incredibly dull, but perhaps if they did involve the more risqué occurrences it would have made controversy impossible to avoid.

Runner Runner (2013)

Affleck saves an otherwise completely forgettable film

[3/10 · 27 September 2013]

You know it's a good sign when the title has nothing to do with the movie.

Here's a film that begins one way but winds up being something else entirely.

Justin Timberlake plays a Princeton student paying his way through tuition costs by playing online poker, one day he loses big and finds out later he was cheated. He then heads out to Costa Rica to confront the owner of the website (Ben Affleck), but soon winds up in his employ.

When the movie begins it plays out very much like The Social Network, everyone is talking fast, there's a thumping electronic score and there's lots of impossible to follow jargon being tossed around. But once we get to Costa Rica it turns into one of those crime movies where you have the good intentioned innocent guy being pulled into the underbelly by the charming criminal.

The movie is boring, deathly boring.

The whole time you find yourself listening to bland, completely uninspired dialogue that exists only to get straight to the point to keep the movie flowing. With one of the most banal generic plots you could possibly fathom. You find yourself as a viewer one step ahead of all the characters in the film because it's a movie that's been made a million times before, there is not a single unique surprise in the entire thing.

The entire film trundles along with scene after scene of boring lazy dialogue, obvious foreshadowing and almost no action scenes.

Plus the film just looks cheap, characters who live in these huge extravagant, completely senseless homes will walk into some dingy room to talk for ten minutes. The direction and photography is completely dead, there is not a single creative flair to heighten the feel of the picture.

Justin Timberlake was excellent in The Social Network, but he hasn't shined in anything since. He's not bad in this movie, but it's not a performance that could pass as anything better than serviceable. Gemma Arterton does absolutely nothing but stand around looking pretty, plus she and Timberlake has absolutely no chemistry making the romance between them feel completely awkward. Anthony Mackie is completely wasted in this, he may have the only funny moments in the movie, but his scenes are completely perfunctory.

But God-bless Ben Affleck, who seems to know what a miserable pile of dreck he's in, and seems to be the only one having any fun. It's a performance that's so completely beneath him and he's definitely phoning it in, but his character is so deliciously wicked that it's hard not to love him and every scene he's in completely energises the movie. I can't exactly explain what happened but at some point in the third act the character became some kind of super villain that you would only see in the craziest James Bond movies.

Save for Affleck (and a weird cameo by Deadmau5), it's just an incredibly generic and forgettable affair that isn't even worth watching at home, this is the kind of movie that's best left forgotten.

Also it's pronounced AN-TEE-GAH not AN-TI-GUAR.

Standing Ovation (2010)

Beyond Lovecraftian

[1/10 · 5 July 2013]

The term 'lovecraftian' typically applies to horrors beyond comprehension of which cannot be described my simple adjective phrases. Standing Ovation is quite possible the most disturbing and impossibly horrifying thing ever in the known universe.

From the rancid digital photography that plagued our television sets in the mid 2000's. The disturbing affection these teenage girls have for attractive men up to 3 times their own age. The backhanded mention about the little girl who can talk to dead people. The gay stereotypes. The wigs, oh lord in heaven the wigs. The extras stood around in the background clearly looking at the camera crew. The clips from the movie obviously super-imposed onto televisions throughout. The obvious adults playing teenagers. The mercilessly long 100 minute running time. The "whoring up" of the young pre-teen actresses with make-up and piercings that makes you squirm in your own skin. The fact that every adult in the movie, is an unbelievable dick to the kids in the movie. The heavy use of autotune on the songs that ruins the authenticity of the singing scenes, this heavy a use of autotune already makes the movie feel incredibly dated. The fact that one of the characters carries around a pepper spray bottle full of perfume and uses it to harm animals. The fact that apparently an entire fire station was put out of action to film scenes in this wretched movie, and the firemen who can't stop laughing during. The sub-plot about the grandpa's gambling addiction that may lead the main characters into homelessness. The scene where the kids lock a grown man inside a claw machine with a king cobra. The atrocious green-screening, was it easier than just shooting someone getting out of a car outside?. The music video where a young boy starts talking normally but as soon as he starts singing he has a deep adult voice. The disturbing abundance of naked fat bodies. The fact that these musical numbers are absolutely unintelligible and clearly just a bunch of jumbled sentences that somehow manage to rhyme. The manager character is clearly a closet psychopath who could snap at any moment. The epilogue that goes on for 20 minutes, THEY WIN THE TALENT SHOW, why does it need to keep going, I don't care if they get a record deal or keep performing, they already won the prize money. The villain they introduce in the last 10 minutes who stole some money from a safe, but it actually belonged to one of the singers father who may have stolen it from the government. WHAT KID WILL CARE ABOUT THIS?. The voice screaming hello as a ringtone, who would want that?. The dad character just offhandedly buys someone a house, you know because that's something you give to casual acquaintances. The ceaseless butchering of classic pop songs throughout.

I could spend the rest of my natural life studying the flaws in this film and still not be done.

This movie is not a bad movie, it transcends the very meaning of "bad movie". This movie journeys beyond the event horizon and into the black abyss of the impossible, a movie that charts entire new regions of horror, to merely gaze upon this movie is to look into the face of the infinite.

Mere mortals should stay far away from this movie, to do so is to go insane. Even Lovecrafts own Old One's shudder at the mention, the mere thought of Stewart Raffill's Standing Ovation.

The Purge (I) (2013)

All Bark and no Bite

[3/10 · 31 May 2013]

By the year 2022, America has become so nihilistic that it deems necessary one night of the year where people can commit any crime legally, in order to better benefit the economy.

This provides the framework for "The Purge" a horror/thriller/sci- fi/social statement/dystopian movie that is ultimately too unsure of itself. The film tries to juggle themes of unemployment, the 1percenters, out of control youths and the American dream while also juggling the standard conventions of a paint-by-numbers horror in the house movie. All this added baggage turns whatever the film makers were trying to say into incomprehensible background noise, when all they can manage to convey is: "Boo Jumpscare!", "Look at our creepy villains!" and "I bet no-one who sees this will be old enough to remember Straw Dogs!".

Ethan Hawke (who looks really haggard here) plays the father of a family of four, Lena Heady plays the miscast wife and two kids no-one will ever see again after this movie play the kids. I'm not just saying these things to be cruel. I promise you wont ever see Ethan Hawke half-ass it through a movie like you will here, I guess after Training Day he just gave up trying to be good in movies. Lena Heady is a fantastic actress, but she is in totally the wrong role here. Heady dominates the screen playing icy, disdainful strong women roles (Dredd, GoT) but is stuck playing the most bland generic motherly figure possible to write, she takes a mundane role and adds nothing to it. The children were horrible, i don't need to go into them any more. Rhys Wakefield steals the show as the polite leading member of a gang of murderers, a good example of what a creepy face and smile combo can bring.

But what really sinks The Purge is the fact that no character in the movie acts like a real person does, it's all contrived to get the movie going. Characters switch motivations in the blink of an eye, only seeing the danger of the situation when the script suits it. After being told of their impending death unless they surrender a homeless man seeking refuge in their home, the family does almost nothing to keep themselves safe, they obviously don't care enough about their family to save their lives.

The dialogue had me rolling on the floor though, "surrender the homeless pig" and "let us purge their souls for America" are likely to have audiences howling.

A common scenario in this movie, was to have one of the main characters held at gun point or some other situation of imminent death, only to be saved by some other character off camera. This was fine the first time or second, but after about the eighth it was becoming predictable and laughable.

Plus this movie is short, it barely scrapes 80 minutes. I get the impression they filmed this movie in a week inside some rich white persons home and then slapped the movie together without really having much footage to edit.

The Purge is a bad movie, plain and simple. It's themes aren't though out, the actors aren't trying, the characters behave irrationally, the intense moments are hysterical, the editing is choppy and clumsy, the scenario is unbelievable and poorly staged and its not even long enough to really get mad over because it ends so soon.

It may have had a pretty cool idea for a premise, but the execution sank this sucker. I expected better from Platinum Dunes.

Dredd (2012)

Judgment Time

[8/10 · 7 September 2012]

In 1995 when Judge Dredd starring Sylvester Stallone in the title role hit theatres; critics derided it, audiences dismissed it as "dumb" and it failed to achieve commercial success. Even though this film has gained a cult following, it just wasn't the Judge Dredd movie fans wanted. Now a low key British film company has had another crack at bringing Dredd to the silver screen, and the result is a great science fiction action film that holds no punches and gives the audience a gritty, gory and surprisingly relatable take on the comic book hero.

Karl Urban plays the titular "Dredd", not the most recognisable or bankable actor working, but certainly one of the most versatile. He has a far better hold on the role than Stallone did, Stallone gave a performance that was robotic and almost comical. Stallone would growl and maintain an immovable fanaticism to upholding the law, strutting about in his ostentatious costume. There was very little humanity to the character and it was difficult to relate to him, he was basically playing Robocop.

Urban brings more humanity into it, when innocent bystanders get caught in the mayhem he's sombre and vengeful. He treats upholding the law more as a burden, he would rather issue a life sentence than gun a criminal down. Only when the odds are stacked against him and he has to defend himself against armed goons does he act violently. Urban gets as much out this character as possible with half his face covered up. It's not just an improvement on Stallone's take on the character it's an expansion of the comic book character too.

The supporting cast are all excellent, and they all give great performances and have strong characters to work with. Olivia Thirlby as rookie judge Anderson deserves praise, playing a character with psychic powers is not easy, her approach on the role makes you believe everything her character can do. She is not a weak female role either she is never once the damsel in distress and there is no attempt and sexualisation. Lena Headey as the villain Ma-Ma steals every scene she's in, a crazy blood crazed woman who almost seems to enjoy going toe-to-toe with someone as lethal as Judge Dredd. She doesn't care who gets in the way she just loves the thrill of it all. An insane villain who is ready to just about pull anything is captivating and intense to watch, i really wish she had been in the film more.

The Megacity in this movie is not the Blade-Runner-Esque city seen in the 1995 film, it resembles a modern day overpopulated inner city slum. This gritty realism is one of the films biggest strengths. Dredd himself is not a superhero, he gets shot and bleeds like everyone else this feeling of vulnerability makes it easier to relate to the character.

There's no Rob Schneider in this movie, oh no, no desperate comedy at all there's just no laughs to be had whatsoever. This film is gritty to the extreme, people are seen being shot to ribbons, blown up, set alight, crushed, splattered, skinned, tortured etc etc etc. Yet it never feel over exploitative, just the right amount. It's just how this stuff would happen in real life, once again coming back to the films visceral reality.

The film is not without its flaws, coming off the heels of The Raid a similar film in premise about law enforcers scaling a tower block to get someone at the top floor makes one draw comparisons watching it. The Raid had amazing martial arts to make up for its slower parts and was consistently upping itself while being as gritty as it could be. Dredd doesn't have anywhere near the impressive stunts featured in The Raid and it makes you wish you had seen The Raid after you saw this, because you keep thinking to yourself: "this scene was done better in The Raid".

The slow-motion sections showcasing the effects of the "Slow-Mo Drug" are a little overused, the colour is over-saturated and these are the only times in the film where the 3D is used to a noticeable degree.

Overall it's a far superior Judge Dredd film to the one that came before it, and has enough action and doesn't over-complicate itself to the point where people aren't bored watching it. It takes a comic book that has been tagged as notoriously impossible to adapt, give it a gritty and realistic setting and cast some great actors to give the movie some life. I hope there is a sequel because it would be really great to see more of this version of Dredd, Urban has a better grip on what the character should be and i can see him taking it a long way.

Battleship (2012)

Battlesh*t

[1/10 · 12 April 2012]

Battleship is bar none the worst movie I have seen in recent years. It is a noisy, clichéd and unbearable piece of trash that exploits the work of CG artists and paying customers who just want to be entertained.

A simple way to describe Battleship, is that it's basically a $200 million naval recruitment video that was made by a schizophrenic 8 year old who likes video games and things going Ka-Boom.

The main heroes in this movie are indeed American navy sailors, but the one thing the film-makers really failed at is making these people likable and realistic. Taylor Kitsch plays the lead character, he's basically some drop out loser who robs convenience stores to get girlfriends and joins the navy at his brothers behest, and in what seems like no time at all he becomes a lieutenant with big responsibilities on a naval vessel with some few hundred men beneath him.

The special effects are the only thing to keep you invested, however they're all completely CG so it just likes a cut-scene from a video game . Something that should be impressive (like a ship sinking) is made pointless because it's something clearly rendered on a computer.

The soundtrack to the movie is okay composition wise, but it's often loud and draws attention to itself and it sounds exactly like the Inception soundtrack on numerous occasions.

This movie has the shadow of Transformers looming over it, both in its marketing and tone. Battleship however is far, far, far worse than any of those three films and it could probably be used as a symbol for the decline of western civilisation.

John Carter (2012)

The audience just has to accept way too much.

[5/10 · 10 March 2012]

While I am as on-the-fence with this film as one can possibly be, I thought the biggest problem with it was that stuff just happened, and we the audience just has to take the films word on it and keep watching.

The reason Carter can jump as far as he can and punch people to death in one blow is never really explained, in the novels they explain that Earth's gravity being greater than Mars' makes the inhabitants more muscular than those on Mars, so John Carter being on Mars' lower-gravity surface is built tougher than those already there.

Mark Strong's race of people can chameleon themselves into other people? okay...

The Tharks have a magic juice that makes those who drink it understand their language completely, speaking and listening, okay...

instead of using slow moving creatures that take like three days to get places, why not just tape themselves to John Carter and have him leap across Mars' surface, they'd get there in a fraction of the time.

It doesn't occur to John Carter until late in the film that Mars is a better place for him to be than Earth. He's a hunted man with a troubled past back home, a war's going on that he has to endure. But on Mars HE'S A GOD, he can jump for miles and he's stronger than anyone there.

We never see John eat or drink anything proper in the movie, there's barely any water on Mars. We can buy that the natives don't need to drink because they're aliens, but John's just a man he needs to drink and Mars looks pretty dry, he surely must get thirsty.

Why intercut Carter's backstory randomly halfway through the film in the middle of an action scene, put it at the start of the film so it establishes something about the protagonist.

One of the factions on Mars lives on a giant machine that claws its way across the surface of the planet, what if it wandered off a cliff? what if it exploded? the entire city would be decimated with all its people.

The Tharks are the most bipolar character in film history. They immediately take an interest in John because of his jumping and strength, so why do they lock him up, shout abuse at him and throw in a gladiators coliseum to die during the film. This guy can jump fifty miles away in a second and punch you to death, why would you mess with him? John Carter should have just abandoned the Tharks and not helped them out considering what they put him through.

Carter's feet make blue lights happen... I did not get this scene at all.

The biggest one of all is the first thing you ask when he lands on Mars: "How can he breathe? there are no trees" This is something carried on from the novel, that was written a hundred years ago, astronomers at the time weren't sure if you could breathe on Mars. After watching so many films over the years that make it clear that humans can't always breathe on foreign worlds (especially those without plant life) it raised a serious question.

I honestly can't decide whether or not I liked it, while I was never bored I found myself questioning a lot of things. The action was solid, and the film looks nice.

Maybe the source material is dated, maybe it's been spun off by other films like "Star Wars" and "Avatar" that are so locked into the public conscious we're aware constantly of what we've seen before that it hosts no surprises.

As for the films box office performance, it's too early to tell, but if Disney needs at least $400million to earn its money back, it seems like a tall order.

Sorry Andrew Stanton, better luck next time. At least you'll always have Wall-e.

The Raven (I) (2012)

It just didn't make sense

[2/10 · 10 March 2012]

The killer in this film decides to play a game with Edgar Allen Poe to challenge his intelligence by leaving clues to his next murder on his victims, in situations related to Poe's works. So why is he always there waiting for Poe and the police to arrive? what if he gets arrested or shot? it'd be over.

I'll tell you why, because we need chase scenes amidst this boring plot. Poe's fiancé get kidnapped by the serial killer via sloppy editing and locked in a coffin somewhere. But the audience doesn't care, to say she has no character is the mega- understatement of all time, she has one look on her face the whole movie, "smile", so she's smiling whilst locked in a coffin and whilst in other peril, and her actress if abysmally poor to boot.

John Cusack straddles a fine line between Eccentricity and Pure Over- Acting. I honestly don't know if he cared or if he tried too hard, neither would surprise me.

This movie is ultimately vapour, in one ear and out the other,there's nothing to hold onto once the film is over, no-one will remember this movie this time next year. It will occupy wall mart bargain bins forever.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

Transformers 3: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

[6/10 · 28 June 2011]

Man, so much stuff happens in this damn movie. One can only scratch the surface of what the movie has to offer when reviewing it. The best I can do is list the best and worst of it.

The Good

The best thing about these movies is how they look, how well the transformers integrate into the real-life footage to make a compelling action sequence. Here it's cranked to eleven, and the CG is very impressive. On the larger shots, even tiny transformers far in the background look convincing.

There a several action set pieces (specifically towards the end) which are easily some of the best of the trilogy. The whole scene with the collapsing building and the tracking shot of Optimus slicing and smashing his way through a bunch of decepticons are colossal showstoppers.

This is also one of the best 3D movies to date. One major critique of 3D is that 3D glasses make the film darker, but here they do a very smart thing, the film itself is brighter than your average movie and this problem evens itself out. Another thing that worried me before I saw it is that if there was so much high-speed action maybe that and the combination of 3D would give me motion sickness, end of the movie: no problems.

The Bad

The villains suck. Megatron does absolutely nothing throughout the whole film until right at the end, and even that was a let down. Shockwave appears briefly at the start and vanishes for two hours, he himself doesn't actually do much, it's all down to this big nameless tentacle-clad decepticon he works with. Starscream does nothing, but then he never did anything anyway. I'm not even going to mention Patrick Dempsey. But the biggest let down is with the movies main villain "Sentinel Prime". Basically he is Optimus' predecessor but he changed sides to the decepticons and made a deal with Megatron to bring life back to their home planet Cybertron. This is the driving element of the movie, but there are many plot holes from this. Early in the film Optimus basically says he wants to make Sentinel Prime leader of the autobots again, and offers him the matrix (an item that brings dead transformers back to life) but Sentinel Prime declines. Then he changes sides. Why did he decline taking the matrix? it would in definitely be a help in his ploy. Sentinel Prime gets numerous chances to kill Optimus once and for all, but like all lousy villains he delays his hand and Optimus lives.

The product-placement is out of control. I am not joking when I say there is a scene where Shia LaBeouf stops the movie to recite a Mercerdes Commercial

The annoying characters from the last movie are gone, save one. The little autobot who humped Megan Fox's leg makes a return. Just be thankful there's no Skids and Mudflap

The Down-Right Ugly

The acting here is a range from Tolerable to Impossibly-Bad. There are actors here that have been in some high quality material that just blatantly signed onto this because A) they wanted a paycheck B) they have nothing else on their schedules I mean John Malkovich and Frances McDormand are Oscar nominees who are so unbelievably bad in this movie they make Shia Lebeouf look like Laurence Olivier and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is the stiffest most wooden actress i've seen in ages. John Turturro is awkward but after three movies I don't care anymore.

Stereotypes a-hoy, not as prominent as before but it's here. We have: Tyrese Gibson and some other black guy fist-bump and ridicule one another. We have LeBeouf call a Japanese man "Moto-Mushi-Ichi" and decepticons with dreadlocks. Plus that gay guy from the hangover makes an appearance as some loony scientist, but luckily Michael Bay had the sense to drop him out of a window.

Some visceral "American" moments, like using the moon landing to spark the movies plot. Also blowing up the statue of Lincoln to let Megatron sit on the chair instead. Since i'm British I didn't care for these scenes that are obviously meant to say to American audiences: "These decepticons are blowing up America! Damn Them!"

In Conclusion, I may have some major complaints with this movie but it is a ton of fun. The movie delivers on everything it promises and everything you expect and not a single dull moment. If you loved the first movie, and loved the second movie (god help you) I can guarantee you will love this movie even more. I'd say the definitive summer film this year has been made clear.

So.. Viewing Audience.. Roll Out...

Winnie the Pooh (2011)

That Warm Fuzzy Feeling

[6/10 · 25 April 2011]

Going to see this movie was like stepping back into childhood. I had the 1977 movie on VHS when I was young and I wore that tape out with countless viewings. I was also a big fan of the cartoon show than ran during the nineties and the many direct-to-video films that came out around that time too. So I already walk into this movie with nostalgia on my mind - knowing roughly what to expect, and the film delivers pretty much what you've seen before.

It follows the structure of the 1977 movie mostly, telling three different stories over the length of the film. Which may have worked in 1977, but today if you cut the film apart into these three sections you could just release them as specials on the Disney channel.

The voice work is as good as it needs to be. Jim Cummings is enigmatic as always and Bud Luckey is a nice addition as Eeyore. It's not Disney's best dubbing job but far from their worst.

The film is far too short, there was definitely time for another story should there have been one. 70 minutes shouldn't really be acceptable for a cinema release, under any circumstances.

All qualms I have with the movie are overshadowed by its innocence and joy. Children who go to see this movie may love it, but adults may love it more.

Fast Five (2011)

Gratuitous and routine, but highly enjoyable in places

[4/10 · 24 April 2011]

I'll start by saying i was never a big fan of the fast and the furious movies, but this is definitely the one i liked the most.

The story starts off with Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and former cop Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker) living as fugitives following the events of the last movie. They retreat to Rio de Janeiro upon hearing about a "job". Soon they find themselves fixated on stealing money from a corrupt Brazillian businessman, and making a fresh start. The FBI has also hired Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) a highly revered DSS agent to track down Toretto and 0'Conner and arrest them both.

The film basically becomes a run-of-the-mill heist film that pulls many tricks that countless other heist have done before or better.

The pacing of the film is very uneven, the action scenes are fast-paced with quick edits. But when someone isn't driving/running/shooting at something the movie doesn't just slow down - it grinds to a complete halt. This is likely because the dialogue is flat and the way the actors deliver is lacks any real emotion, going through every cliché in the heist film handbook.

Paul walker is his usual bland self, I consider him the king of underacting. Vin Diesel is okay, but his delivery is slurred and not always legible and he looks physically tired throughout most of the film. Every other member of the cast is forgettable, Tyrese Gibson, Ludicrous, Sung Kang etc. All the women are underdeveloped sex-objects that all look the same. I can imagine the casting call: 'Call every "other guy" from the last 4 movies and see who says "yes"'. It surprises me to say that Dwayne Johnson was the best actor in this, he seems to actually be trying with his performance and he has a few genuinely badass scenes.

The driving scenes in the movie (as far as I could tell) appeared to mostly use practical effects rather than throw a load of CG cars around - I hugely admire this decision and it looks damn good. The climax of this movie is genuinely awesome, the whole part where they're dragging a safe through Rio (as implausible as it may be) is brilliantly shot and edited.

Bottom line is this - If you like the last 4 films, you will enjoy this one. If you hated the last films there is absolutely no reason for you to see this because if you do you will hate it even more than those films.

I would recommend people to get this movie on DVD as a rental, that way you can skip all the arduous dialogue scenes and go straight to the action.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)

Haters Gonna Hate

[3/10 · 23 February 2011]

First things first, this isn't a movie in the normal sense, it's a documentary. Movie implies plot, direction and a narrative, which are completely vacant here.

I am in no way a Justin Bieber fan, i saw the song "Baby" on youtube once and that's as far it goes for me. After watching this film, i doubt this is going to change. The film does not inspire anyone who is not a Bieber fan to seek out any of the artists material. It focuses entirely on pleasing the existing fans and giving them what they want. There's no room for newbies here.

Hence the problem, people who dislike/hate Justin Bieber already that go and see this film are not going to change their opinion, it may only serve to fuel their dislike of the boy.

One thing this thing really needed was more humanity. We are told all about this entity of Justin Bieber, where he came from, his musical talents and the build-up to his status today. But not once in the film are we told what he is like as an actual person, the people who talk in interviews throughout the film are his family/management/freeloaders and they will not say anything negative about him for the sake of keeping the films feeling positive and upbeat. Dare i say, I would have liked to see an actual interview with Bieber himself, there is no time to reflect on his personality beyond the angelic layer of perfection the media creates. All the non-concert footage of him is either old home video footage or just pointless scenes of him rambling to nobodies back-stage.

Let's get into the production of this thing, the editing is absolutely horrendous. Scenes are cut so quickly the picture is almost impossible to take in. It would cut to a dance sequence for 3 seconds then cut to a fan reaction for 1 second then back again, it might even cut to some overhead tracking shot for a few more seconds to pad out the movie some more. The 3D? Just as bad. Maybe worse. 90% of the film is shot in 2D with no conversions at all. It's Justin Bieber and 3D, Two gimmicks rolled into one to earn more money from ticket prices. The dizzying editing and nauseous camera work, in combination with some scenes shot in 3D and some not at all really does become almost unbearable to stand after a certain point. The ending also has more false stops than Return of the King.

The other celebrity appearances in this film were a mix of hilarity and cringe-inducing, Jaden Smith (Will Smiths son) is someone who is only famous because he has famous parents, he's not a good singer, he's not even as good as Bieber. He comes across as a snobby little brat who's just cashing in on Biebers success. Miley Cyrus is visibly repulsed to have to do a duet with Bieber, and she's not as good a singer as Bieber either. And Ludicrous... 10 years ago this guy was rapping about how bitches should get out of his way, now he's rapping with Justin Bieber on the encore of his show about falling in love at 13 on the playground? is this a joke?

There are many negatives about this film, but i should try and equalize it a little with some positives. Justin Bieber has genuine musical talent, he is a very good singer and a fair guitarist. The scene which features him playing the drums was also rather impressive from such a young person. The kid himself comes across too as quite a nice person and very respectful to his fans, the life message he tells them are cheesy, but feel honest. The concert scenes are badly filmed yes, but sound great. The booming audio pulls the viewer into the film and creates an almost genuine concert experience.

But my absolute favourite thing about this film is the fans reactions. The fans in this film got some of the hardest laughs out of me in my whole life, in this regard "Justin Bieber: Never say Never" is one of the greatest comedies ever made. Lines like: "He's cute and loves music", "He's an inspiration to us all" or "I Love Justin Bieber more than life". Had me in fits of laughter. The best one is almost quite sinister, a young fan saying they WILL be married.

These latter points save it from getting a 1 star rating from me, but as a non-fan of Bieber's music i can't say i liked this film at all. He does have his audience, i saw them in that theatre watching it too and they loved the film. Bieber is really just a fad in the long run, these young fans he has will grow up and in about 5 years they will look back on their wasted lives and think "what was i doing?".

I don't think this is going to be the only Justin Bieber cash-in made, we can only wait for the hype from this one to die so we'll get some peace before the next one comes around.

I will close by quoting Justin's song U Smile; You ain't seen nothing yet.