Low_Rent Reviews

Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)

I tried to like it....

[1/10 · 16 February 2021]

Back in 1982 I saw The Sword and the Sorcerer and I loved it. A guilty pleasure to be sure since it wasn't a great movie but I really enjoyed it. Tales of an Ancient Empire is supposed to be a loose sequel (very loose). Since I am a fan so the first movie I tried to like this one but it's so bad I was laughing during the movie at the dialogue and story. It's just an awful movie at almost every level. I say almost because the only two bright spots are Lee Horsley and Kevin Sorbo. Their acting is good as you might expect, considering the awful dialogue they were given to work with. Overall the story is a mess and makes no sense or has decent coherence. The dialogue is laughable. The acting by everyone (except Lee and Kevin) was terrible. For some reason the director decided to shoot most of the film in a sepia tone. I don't understand why.

This film is terrible. Just terrible.

London's Finest (2014)

Nonsense storytelling

[2/10 · 3 December 2017]

While I enjoy a good "shoot-em-up" movie just as much as the next person, this movie made me regret watching it. The writer is lazy with the story. Sirrus gets in way over his head but seems to handle everything he encounters. So much so that despite all the shooting and even grenades, he comes out of his experience with barely a scratch. In fact, everyone in his little group ends up with no injuries. Nothing. Seriously, not even a scratch despite all the violence.

The writer seems to think that it is a good idea to have the worlds most incompetent gangsters and cops as the "bad guys". But if they are as stupid as the movie portrays how did they make it as far as they did? Makes no sense. It was frustrating to watch Sirrus and his group make it through each encounter with very little happen to them all the while defeating everyone they come across. Just lazy storytelling.

Also, the acting is sub-par with the exception of Enoch Frost and Marlon Day. They at least have some acting ability.

Do yourself a favor, avoid this lousy movie.

Johnny Dangerously (1984)

Awful

[1/10 · 19 February 2016]

I don't write many reviews but sometimes a movie just screams for one. This movie is completely awful. Wow. I heard some people say how funny it is so I decided to give it a try. I grew up in the 80's but I never saw this movie back in 1984. I am glad I didn't waste my money. I watched this movie on Amazon Prime Video and the acting is cheesy and terrible. The dialog is painful and the plot makes little sense and is just there to provide a back drop for lame one liners.

I expected a little more from Micheal Keaton but I think all actors have one or two movies that they would love to forget. I imagine that Keaton cringes every time this movie is mentioned.

Do not waste you time.

The Way of the Gun (2000)

This is a really awful movie.

[1/10 · 22 January 2016]

I can see why Ryan Phillippe's career has stalled, his acting is horrible in this movie. I feel bad for Benicio Del Toro because is a a really good actor in a really bad movie.

The dialogue is terrible. It seems the writer is trying to emulate the verbal minutiae of movies like Pulp Fiction but it comes off as just babbling. There is no cleverness to the exchange between characters.

The actions of the characters are odd in the sense that many of the things they do don't seem to further the plot or character development. Violence for violence sake so to speak.

Just avoid this turd of a movie.

Elysium (I) (2013)

A good movie that falls a little flat.

[5/10 · 26 February 2014]

Elysium is a decent movie with good special effects and great acting by most of the cast. This movie will seem familiar to you as it is a storyline that we have seen all too often. While there were a few minor surprises in the story one can guess the outcome. All in all a fun movie to watch just don't expect much from the story.

Jodi Foster's character, Delacourt, had a couple of aspects to her that I found odd. First, her accent. Was it supposed to be French? It was so weak that I couldn't quite place it and found it distracting that every time I heard her speak I tried to place the accent instead of paying attention to the character interaction. Second, her death didn't make much sense. When Frey tried to save her life she refused help and died. There was nothing that I can remember about her character that suggested that she would accept death. Just the opposite. She was aggressive in her job of protecting Elysium from the "undesirables" and seemed to be a strong intelligent person with a strong grip on her life. I saw nothing that suggested that she would accept death when it came, in fact, I thought she would fight until the very end.

Minor quibbles I guess. A decent movie if you don't expect much.

Ninja (2009)

Just plain terrible for so many reasons.

[1/10 · 19 August 2013]

This movie really is bad. Now, I am by no means saying that since I don't like the movie you shouldn't. But, since I prefer that if someone doesn't like a movie they explain why, I am going to attempt to put into words just how bad this movie is.

The story is predictable and boring. A Caucasian man, an orphan, grows up in a ninja clan in Japan and learns to be a ninja. He has a rival that is reckless and mean and doesn't follow the full teachings of the master so the white guy is chosen and the successor for the school and protector of the ancient ninja gear. There is also a girl that the hero falls in love with by the end of the movie after the obligatory climatic fight scene.

In addition to the above there are so many things about the plot that just didn't make sense to me that I can't remember all of them. Here are a few. The bad guy is after an ancient set of ninja gear so they try to hide it in NY at a university. Not very secretive. I don't know why they just didn't put it in another part of the country (Japan). Russian mob guys are after the hero and the girl and shooting recklessly at them through the city. The camera then cuts to a mob guy and he says: "Remember we want them alive." Then they continue to shoot at them. While staying at the home of the professor that is helping them "hide" the ancient ninja gear, the Russian mob breaks in and kills everyone except the hero and the girl (of course). The police investigate and name them as suspects. The fingerprints on the guns are all mob guys so shouldn't the police name them as people of interest for questioning instead of naming them as the killers? And why did the hero and girl flee the the shootout and go to a hotel? Why not go straight to the police? The dialog is actually funny. I know that it was written to be serious but its so bad it made me laugh or roll my eyes.

The fight scenes are so-so. Not very believable at all. The ancient ninja gear is so precious and valuable that the hero wears it for the final climatic fight scene. Of course it gets damaged so all that effort to protect it and all those lives lost was for nothing.

Anyhow, don't waste your time with this movie.