unemployedvirgin Reviews

Godzilla (2014)

WTF! Disappointed!!!

[3/10 · 7 September 2014]

When the viral trailer hit YouTube a couple months back, this looked like one of the most promising films to watch in 2014. After having to sit through 2 agonising hours that statement couldn't be further from the truth.

As one reviewer said, "the film dies with Bryan Cranston" which is about 20 minutes in. You're left with such poor storytelling that revolves around a delusional doctor wanting to save a fat dinosaur. Honestly the creature and the child actor who plays Aaron Taylor-Johnson's son both suffer from severe retardation. Poor CGI work of Godzilla, with it's thunder thighs, narrow shoulders, midget arms and blue flamed fire breath. It pretty much looks the same as the old black and white renditions of the series....weak at best. The 1998 version sh*ts on this easily and that was what..16 years ago? I'm not even a fan-boy of this monster saga yet even me! the average movie goer can clearly see a stinker here.

If that wasn't enough, the prime focus of the movie then shifts to the most ridiculous looking monsters to ever grace the silver screen. Mutos......robotic looking, insect like, egg carrying and radioactive eating giant spider ants. The radiation element is just laughable, might as well add some krypton related references in the cinematography.

Honestly did they hire writers comprising of pre-school children to conjure this up? Then these inbred "things" duke it out for what seems like a never ending sloppy fight to the death. With the entire focus of the second half focusing on firing a nuke at these sea mutants, the damn thing never even goes off! Oh but the worst part is yet to come...

The film basically ends with Godzilla being PRAISED (of all things) for saving the day, in killing off the "spider-ants". The obese lizard then lumbers its way slowly back into the ocean and then...roll credits......WTF!!! I'm sorry but I was under the impression that a monster film revolves around...well...the monster being the antagonist not a bloody hero!

Poor choice of overall casting (Elizabeth Olsen looks like an anorexic 8 year old portraying a grown woman's PMS cycle every scene she's in). Predictable dialogue with the only two noteworthy quotes already shown in the trailer. Cranston & Aaron are the only two actors that keep this garbage afloat before it sinks like the turd that it is. Don't believe the hype, save your time/money for something worth your intelligence. With a sequel in the works I shudder to think what is coming next. Gareth Edwards...you sir are a f@gg0t.

Bullet to the Head (2012)

Hit-man flicks never get old

[8/10 · 5 August 2013]

Sly is still as good as ever in this fast paced action movie. The editing brings with it a 90s 'made for TV' style of storytelling. What I mean by that is; the continuity is at a neutral speed with an emphasis on wide camera shots accompanying little soundtrack scoring. An all around great cast of actors, nice to see Christian Slater in something watchable for a change. Triple A's character was awesome, and although Momoa gets type cast as the stereotypical big-man, he pulled off an entertaining performance.

Descent amounts of gore here & there and the overall plot - whilst cerebral in context provided scattered doses of comedy when needed. I found it worth watching, its amazing to see Stallone in such amazing shape for his age. If the rumours of a final Rocky movie are true, definitely something to keep an eye out for.

The Possession (I) (2012)

A made-for-TV-film, nothing more than a snooze-fest

[4/10 · 9 January 2013]

Let's run down the key points: spooky religious fables, emotionally detached kids and distant adult relationships. These three components did have some potential but the execution of each was flawed from the start. Not remotely scary at all, and to think this started with online rumours via eBay should've told me how retarded things would turn out.

The viewing experience doesn't open itself up to something challenging and provocative. Instead the movie meanders between mundane social drama whilst attempting to insight gullible curiosity. The words 'Pandora's Box' do come to mind often. Turning what could've been something original into another recycled fan-boy's dream.

Predictable storytelling performed by a surprisingly good cast of actors. It's nothing that you haven't already seen before.

Max Payne (2008)

in cinema we have now entered the 'Vigilante Era'

[14 December 2012]

Having never played the video-games but heard of the title, this had been on my Watchlist for quite some time. Mark Wahlberg is a believable tough guy in this revenge fest set in an urban landscape. Really digging the comic book feel this movie had; it's as if the director and story-boarders really collaborated well to film each shot like a graphic novel. The blood splatters are almost artistic as the mystery antagonists slowly reveal themselves. I didn't really understand the connection with hallucinogens and Jack Lupino's murderous rampage. The focus on the drug infused states took away from the plot's premise overtime.

With that being said, the intricacy of the storyline is still there with a unique cast portraying interesting characters that compliment one another. It's definitely worth viewing.

Undisputed 2: Last Man Standing (2006 Video)

a man's film for MMA fans

[9/10 · 14 December 2012]

As a stand alone sequel, Undisputed 2 packs a punch similar to its predecessor. Although the title role of Iceman is changed, I felt Michael Jai White's performance was excellent for this film. No disrespect to Ving Rhames, but at his size a 300+ pound man would pull a muscle from throwing a couple sidekicks just for a montage training scene.

I liked how Jai White even mimicked Ving's personality traits in his voice delivery and overall performance, staying true to the protagonists routes. Scott Adkins really shined in this film though, the character of Yuri Boyka is now synonymous with a cult following for ''The Most Complete Fighter In The World''. Just YouTube Adkins' choreography for the Wolverine film and you'll see the dedication this stud has. Similar to Tom Hardy's approach of a physical actor, Scott bulked up for the role with a healthy enough body fat percentage to still pull off those signature back-flips.

Ben Cross deserves a lot of credit in the supporting role, reminded me of a slimmer Liam Neeson with his approach at playing Steven Parker. By now everyone has grown to love the soundtrack with its trademark music. What really enhanced the film's gritty look was the constant use of darker tones of blue and green throughout the prison. Creating the effect of a dark and dingy chasm that sets the perfect backdrop for controlled aggression.

This is a man's movie in my opinion, no girly emotional ties or cheesy romantic kisses, just Muay-Thai and Jujitsu for the win. Enjoyable film that promises bloody fights whilst trying to stay true to the martial arts. Only reason I didn't rate it a 10 was because I wanted there to be more gory action and profanity, but that's just me. Looking forward to viewing the 3rd instalment.

The Apparition (2012)

Too Hokey and Predictable

[1/10 · 11 December 2012]

Had somewhat high hopes for this film from the trailer, thinking it would be a grainy found footage style flick. Yet here I am venting my disappointments at such a lack-luster of a wasted 90 minutes. This really looks like it was directed by a 10 year old fan boy who saw a few movies, scribbled a couple notes of what ''scares'' an audience and did an epic fail of releasing it to an educated public.

Every step of the way I could think out-loud exactly what would happen in each scenario. Where's the suspense? The gut-wrenching terror as advertised? Nothing sufficiently adds up as a convincing step towards a darker plot. Am I expected to be scared of mold & grout around the house? Really? ? ? Ashley Greene's character can only be described as MISS ESTROGEN for lack of better words. Without any back and forth character development I was routing for the couple to get butchered before the credits rolled! If anything that would make things slightly forgivable. Just an idiotic piece of cinema to be honest.

As for an ending? A total slap in the face, no climax...I've seen adult parody's with better storytelling.

Haywire (2011)

Femme Fatale Never Looked So Good

[8/10 · 10 December 2012]

Being an avid MMA fan when I got word that Gina Carano would be transitioning to acting, Haywire was definitely on my checklist. For her first film it went surprisingly well. A plot that although starts off very sketchy in detail slowly unravels itself in 15 minute intervals. In many ways it wasn't too fictional of a role considering the fact that this is a former champion. Think about it, a beautiful woman who kicks the crap out of various people for a fat paycheck. Not too shabby.

There's pretty descent action scenes as Tatum gets arm barred, Fassbender goes to sleep in a triangle joke and a random cop gets superman punched. All the correct elements were in place to make this an enjoyable 90 minutes; great supporting cast accompanied by a smooth soundtrack. Only thing i disliked was how half of the film's premise takes place via a conversation in a car as flashbacks of prior events are shown; but in hindsight that's neither here or there.

Want to see a hot chick cripple some fools in a mystery thriller? If nothing but out of curiosity, you should check this out.

The Avengers (2012)

Surprisingly Weak

[4/10 · 23 November 2012]

This was hyped up to be one of the best films of the year, yet I'm left wondering why this movie has so many accolades. Firstly, the intensity doesn't even pick up until an hour in, with a wonky storyline not worth remembering. Much of the plot is filler for the action which there's strangely little of. An epic fail of extras ruin the continuity whilst the main cast seem to dither away into sappy buddy-buddy moments.

With an inflated budget, it seems that more attention was focused on the character's wardrobes rather than better special effects sequences. Dialogue is unfortunately the usual cliché bits of monologue between opposing teams leaving no room for artistic fluency.

If this was the best that Hollywood muster up.. I shudder to think what the sequel has in store for us.

Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

pretty damn good

[10/10 · 18 November 2012]

A great cast of relatively unknowns. I liked how the majority of the shooting was done with steady cam and hand held, really brought out the best in everything. The story is great in not following conventional standards, instead a normal situation is slowly twisted with a series of uncontrollable events. Smart location choices evoked ones similar to that of the Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil video games.

Was I throwing popcorn around the room in fear? No, but it's far more captivating when the horror your protagonists are faced with aren't revealed in plain sight. And the ending..brilliant, more of a cliffhanger than anything. Good to see evil "winning" for once in this mystery-thriller.

Can honestly say nothing bad about this movie, for what its worth expect to be creeped out. Looking forward to see more of the beautiful Olivia Dudley.

Battleship (2012)

here's a creative play-on-words: Cattleshi*

[1/10 · 13 November 2012]

Every now and then there's an upcoming film that releases a trailer which makes you think "this is going to be one of those CGI movies". Poor poor Liam...what did you sign up for? Let me save like-minded individuals a waste of time.

It has such a predictable 80's style script of cliché ramblings with weak and outdated comedy. These machines shoot double A batteries and bey blades with reptilian eyed aliens animated enough to make conspiracy theorists drool. There's just so many of the same monster flicks now; it seems like the genre is becoming redundant due to no originality. Just bits & pieces of past classics wedged into a crappy version at an attempt to replicate success, in this case: intergalactic robots.

There's no real plot and after 10 minutes you get the idea that this isn't going to entertain. Times like this make me grateful to have a fast forward button on my remote. Only pausing and playing when an explosion went off. In the end..what you see is what you get.

Wrath of the Titans (2012)

it was good but i wanted MORE

[5/10 · 4 November 2012]

I'm probably in the majority in saying that the first film took itself too seriously in projecting character development. Whilst Wrath is a visually stunning piece of work in 1080p, it didn't leave much to the imagination.

Don't keep your hopes up for the action as much as I did since the trailer pretty much gives away all the best parts. That was a real downer to say the least. I felt that their could've been more CGI monster scenes than actual storytelling since this is one of those types of movies. The soundtrack gets old real quick as the same tones are repeated when contrasting from one characters journey to the protagonist's. This downplays the continuity of screenplay as the minutes trail.

Just my opinion but the creatures looked kind of goofy, in terms of their presentation. Not something that insights fear but more comical than aggressive. I did however appreciate the story revolving more around an action flick than to have dragged out making-out scenes to kill time and make your girlfriend feel welcome at the theatre. From the looks of it this seems to be the build up for another sequel. Which isn't a good feeling to figure out when your half way in without a cliffhanger. Since that sets up any anticipation level to dip severely low.

It had a good cast, great camera work, smart budgeting with its production and editing. Yet it missed out a lot of the visceral intensity most mythical epics have. For that reason I down-rated it to a 5. With the stand alone story on it's own? probably a 7. To sum it up in 6 words:Wanted more violence, got more drama.

Sket (I) (2011)

Powerful and Challenging Content

[7/10 · 25 October 2012]

Growing up in London I know full well the lifestyles of many depicted in this cinematic experience. But as I get older these hood films become more harder to watch. Ashley Walters proves his diversity from previous leading roles in Bullet Boy and Sugarhouse, that he can be a convincing antagonist. Not to drift off topic from the movie itself, but I feel that since the release of Kidulthood there seems to be a trend with these gritty street flicks throughout the past decade.

With that being said this flips the script with the majority of the female cast showing the unfortunate lives of young women in Britain. It's a shame that the events that take place in this storyline aren't that far-fetched from the reality we are surrounded by worldwide.

It's honest in its depiction of bullying, drug addiction and sex labour whilst providing a cleverly told plot with a soundtrack mirroring the visual anarchy. Recommend for those with a strong stomach, not that there's any gore in this picture..but it will challenge your ideals of a peaceful world.

Kill List (2011)

British Horror Makes A Comeback

[10/10 · 10 October 2012]

An unravelling storyline pits conscious against instinct as the minutes countdown. I loved the intrusive style of camera work, always putting the audience as a third person viewer. Unflitching in its delivery of sequenced events shot in a Tarantino style of chapters. No need for cliché moments of loud music to back up cheap 2 second terrors. Characters are confined to dilemma's as plots twist and lines smudge away from the regular black and white empathises. Kubrick-esque audio tracks of offbeat whistles compliment the grim acing moonlight beaming down on approaching severance.

In breaking the rules of a conventional mystery-thriller; Kill List opens itself up to a new thought process of redemption. Recommended for whoever needs a change now and then from the predictable Hollywood flicks where a budget of CGI defines an actors ability. Tangled are the webs this spider has woven, Hitchcock is reborn.

Black Swan (2010)

so..why did i wanna watch this? i forgot

[1/10 · 13 September 2012]

Based on the trailer when this film was scheduled for release it looked pretty cool. A freaky looking Natalie Portman in a thriller based noir caught my eye. Yet having just seen it, i spent most of my time fast forwarding this garbage until the credits rolled.

The first 10 minutes of any movie tell me whether i should continue or pass. This is one of those moments. I mean..ballet? wtf is a straight man like me gonna get out of this? and the story just drags on like pulling an animals carcass into a tool shed. no real highlights to even mention - Meg Griffin gets to foreplay and go lesbian i guess? By so many question marks, even you can tell how confusing and utterly pointless this is. i'm not saying this as a sexist comment but man..you have to be one hell of a f@g to enjoy this shined turd of a film. i was expecting a slasher type of flick instead it's like an emo love-story told in the format of someones illusions..pure dribble.

The Woman (I) (2011)

Twisted Comic Horror (3 words that describe it best)

[10/10 · 14 August 2012]

Such a unique film, taking on so many different elements of extremes in a bite-sized hour and forty minutes. Nothing i expected from watching the trailer in terms of storyline...hmmm i might have said too much already. Pollyanna McIntosh has the most terrifying eyes i've ever seen on a woman, a Medusa-like performance from the newcomer.

Black comedy balances out a lot of the splashes of gore and exploitation surrounding the characters' roles. Best way I can think of summing it up is: a creature taken captive often sais more about the hunter's motive than the value of his catch (trying my best here not to spoil it for you in woven riddles).

Yes there are underline themes that may shock or offend those with a sensitive impairment to the real world. I found it challenging as well as something new than what was anticipated in my head for a film of this magnitude. At the end of the day though..great movie, best watched in the dark with the volume way up to get the adrenaline pumping when the sights and sounds of cinema make you want to JUMP, and remember to breathe.

Warrior (2011)

An amazing film on so many levels

[10/10 · 17 June 2012]

Being a fairly new fan of mma for under a year this film struck me as one to definitely pick up and view. Needless to say I'm impressed by the director's choice of story, actors and choreography.

An epic tale that unravels itself furthering the on going drama between two brothers. I was apprehensive at first when seeing that this was over 2 hours, but some journeys are worth the regular 90 minutes.

Tom Hardy is an amazing actor, his physical transformation in certain roles eclipses the likes of Bale, De Niro and Theron respectively. Such powerful performances from Jennifer Morrison and Nick Nolte, really sways your kinship of who to route for.

I think this movie speaks volumes on the real life events outside of theatres such as...Kurt Angle at one time wanting to be a legit mma fighter gets to act as one here, plays a cinematic version of Fedor even down to his loss via submission. Anthony Johnson fighting in the middleweight division (a weight class that recently got him cut from the UFC after not being able to shed the pounds). Bryan Callen taking the place of Joe Rogan as a commentator for the fights; replicating similarities of the Fear Factor host. And just the fact that unlike Never Back Down this is a highly successful MMA film that will draw a mainstream audience of non fans about the sport, which is now happening with the UFC's FOX deal and just the popularity of this new platform of combat.

This is one of those films that really put a stamp on the current status of our interests as a society, highly recommended to all.

Shark Night (2011)

Holy Shark!!!

[9/10 · 14 June 2012]

Having a legit fear of great white sharks had me terrified to watch this film, after seeing it - not so bad. The opening credits were nightmarish to say the least, made me put a hand to my face a couple times.

Film-wise the story is great, sure it's the typical "lets spend the summer out in a remote location where nothing can go wrong" type of flick..but the plot is gruesomely entertaining. Just the sheer darkness of the characters paints a grim image of things to come.

Great casting of believable actors with enough room for character development, loved the script in terms of its openness. Even though the sharks were all CGI, it looks mental in 1080p.

To summarise, viewers searching for an adrenaline boost and a buddy movie..this should get the brain stimulated for the next hour and a half.

Apollo 18 (2011)

didn't live up to the hype

[9/10 · 13 June 2012]

The plot strikes interest with a wide demographic of people, whether your a "believer" in conspiracy theories or just an adrenaline junkie looking to get your heartbeat pumped quicker sitting down.

I liked the tag-line that goes along the lines of "why haven't we gone back to the moon" since it was open to question prior to viewing this picture. But to be honest, i was expecting better than the outcome.

The storyline tends to unravel a little too long in order for you to feel like your a part of the action. These rocks that form long legged spider creatures was kind of cheesy, especially down to the re-emergence of "bug looking aliens" in the past few years. Very little gore or head turning moments which kinda kills the premise of a horror film.

If anything, this does spark the minute debate on government cover-ups in relation to national security, but it's quickly replenished with the thought of "in space..no one can hear you scream". Lackluster film in my opinion, if your easily frightened and a drama based viewer i'm sure you'll jizz at the sight of it all, but it's pretty bland by my standards.

Colombiana (2011)

"Colon"-biana

[6/10 · 11 June 2012]

There's a certain allure about a pretty face taking charge of her destiny through violent methods.

Epic Wins: sweet fight scenes, killer soundtrack, believable scenarios, smooth camera work, cool free runners, the director (like me) has a foot fetish - some nice shots of Zoe including a bit of see-through nip action.

Epic Fails: the usual stereotypical characters in this type of storyline, e.g. the beefy bodyguard, Tony Montanna style back drop..etc, Lennie James can't voice an American accent to save his life, predictable cliché 1 liners.

For a night-in it's okay to watch a skinny woman with guns blazing. But unfortunately the trailer doesn't live up to the hype in terms of its execution, dragging on for 2 hours.

X: First Class (2011)

good but at the same time a let down

[6/10 · 10 January 2012]

i'm not a hardcore marvel buff that nows their s*** when it comes to comic book characters. just a regular fan of fantasy fiction when it comes to this genre. yes there's action, great scores and interesting characters.

but it felt so forced to me throughout, whether it was a supporting cast of actors that had bad reaction time to green screen special effect scenes or having to cram everything "prequel" to get defined answers to questions across. i think the main reason why i didn't enjoy this as much was down to it being so damn political. i don't care for all that nonsense, especially when the cgi seemed a little flawed on close up shots.

i know this comes across as mindless ranting but there is a point to my method of madness. the underline themes still make it a great film. our possibility of a similar future, friendships drown over ulterior motives, bloodshed over blood relations. if anything positive can come out of my review it's that i'd like to see how the individual actors careers spark in the next few years through this film.

when you get right down to it - i'm sure it's great for the obsessed comic book geek that has nothing else better to do with life. but i'd rather flick on something with an R rating than this.

Priest (2011)

vampires in a Christian dystopia dictatorship - wow

[10/10 · 6 January 2012]

from beginning to end this was one hell of a ride thick and thin. loved the concept of religion being used almost as a scapegoat for the true underline problem of man's own inner beast alienating itself from the rational and savagery awaiting a group of lone warriors.

solid acting, a lot of cool action moments, cute women. a great film all around if your someone like me who wants to skip all the "lovey dubby BS" with non sensicle kiss scenes and go straight to raw fighting choreography and intense characters.

a few one liners made me chuckle inside, great sound-bytes filled with memorable quotes - so the script team definitely gets a thumbs up. scores on the soundtrack were very impactful. no flaws in this one..the church gets owned and torn a new one as the rebels fight on to preserve a time-line of what once was. ENJOY!

Insidious (I) (2010)

good film even though i predicted the ending

[8/10 · 3 December 2011]

when this film came out there was a huge buzz around its material since the work stems from the SAW writer and director. being a huge fan of that classic series i was always interested what the duo would come up with next. an impressive movie is spawned, good choice of child actors and an all rounded mystery spoof made it worthwhile.

now there's the negative..overuse of basic sound effects such as a screeching door or the eerie creaks of floorboards made me feel less invested. the fear factor was surprisingly minimal in comparison to the standards i've adored in the past with the likes of James wan. in some of the quick shots (that's the best two worded phrase i can use to describe them) there's a poor use of camera work that makes it go from your standard cinematic look to some low budget poop. the creature that possessed the child has a striking resemblance to Darth maul (and this is coming from a non star wars fan) from the skin tone, clothing and pigmentation, a skinnier version to be more specific only with goat hoofs (i'm guessing that's to give a more neolithic Satan look?).

although i myself do not believe in the supernatural as i'm an atheist, at least this movie challenged my perception somewhat in dealing with the subject matter of astral travelling. granted i've trashed it quite a lot with it's flaws as you read above, with that said the plot did thicken from time to time and it's not like i wanted to tune out in boredom.

so in conclusion? depending on your personal standpoint of film knowledge or how far your willing to be a "believer" plays a big part in how much or how little you enjoy this piece. for me, i just hope Leigh (who by the way had a hilarious role) and James come up with something unique in the future like their previous accomplishments instead of being 1 hit wonder inventors that end up going down the "spooky Jesus" avenue of predictable outcomes. *cough cough* Toby hooper *cough cough*

As always..take it as you will.

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Clockwork Orange with STYLE!

[10/10 · 1 December 2011]

so much can be said about this film, thoroughly enjoyed it. the fact that everything is pumped up with twice as more anabolic insanity pushes the barrier of expectations ever further for what lies ahead. crazy characters, mental scenarios, blood gushing profusely and a twisted storyline makes this a benchmark for future films.

just my opinion but i can see this having a cult following, from the 1 line catchphrases to even the styles of clothing. it also brings out questions of our own future as a planet..will the whole world turn into a decade of the 2011 London Riots with chaos consuming our ways of life. Or..will the few of us step up to authoritarian dictatorships and be...A HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN!

loved every bit of it - cool track-list of fresh music, great colour contrasts and overall production. take it as you will.

Sucker Punch (2011)

Video Game Montage vs Dream Sequence

[6/10 · 29 November 2011]

Saw the trailer, caught my eye..thought: hot chicks with guns and a bit of martial arts from the 300 director? why not give it a shot. Sucker Punch is a confusing film in my opinion. On one hand you feel for the main character baby doll in the beginning for being falsely sent to a mental institution under the pretence of attempted rape and bribery.

But then the illusion of hope transforms itself into ballads and a loss of continuity where imagination overwhelms the underline plot and story lines.

With that being said, great characters, cute girls and stunning special effects made this 2 hours worthwhile. I just didn't get the amount of mixed messages in this film which kept on drifting away from the point of any reasoning behind the action.

Want some fantasy action? ladies in sexy clothes? great music video soundtracks? and entertaining characters? be my guest....just don't over-think it too much like I did.

Limitless (I) (2011)

Visually Stunning Work Of Art

[10/10 · 24 November 2011]

brilliant storytelling that slowly unravels its mystique in slow doses (no pun intended) that eventually leads to a somewhat glorious exhale of relief. great character development, the director looks like one to watch out for in future endeavours. loved the cinematography and mind bending camera tricks. i have to say this was the perfect film, from the crisp soundtrack to executing every shot by shot to form an ever greater tapestry of brilliance.

we can argue back and forth about the validity of any claims and attempt to authenticate subject matters as evidence. but beyond the bickering lies a film that you can both identify with and hopefully be inspired by to better yourself at this skill called life.