Victor_Fallon Reviews

Abigail (2024)

I deserve a medal for not walking out.

[2/10 · 8 May 2024]

This is a movie with no story. It's set in a locked-up mystery mansion in the middle of nowhere, like all the best whodunnits - except it isn't a whodunnit. The vampire did dunnit. So that whole element of the movie makes no sense.

If you like one-note characters screaming the f-word for two hours, then go for it. So. Much. Yelling. If you're a horror fan, there's nothing here. A theatre kid wiping blood on her face while thunderously loud ballet music is blasted into your ears is not horror. It's boring. If you have kids, you know when they play dress-up and do a dance? It's that. Endlessly.

If this was a children's movie with a bit of spookiness thrown in, it might have been fun. Adding blood and swears does not suddenly make it suitable for an adult with a working brain.

It's a comedy horror for teens who haven't seen any horror, but rated 18 because of course it is.

The Devil Conspiracy (2022)

CGI snoozer.

[3/10 · 26 April 2024]

An over-the-top fantasy full prophecies, cults, priests and heavenly beings who want the Shroud of McGuffin because it's in the script. Sounds fun! The acting is silly, but everyone acts in the same pantomime fashion, so tonally it's fairly even. Sadly, the tone is not horror or sci-fi, as the genre tags would suggest. It's just a bland thriller, but the bad guys have horns.

After 20 minutes you realise the movie is taking itself seriously and has no intention of having any fun whatsoever. Everyone is humourless, all the time. The overly-dramatic soundtrack (stock orchestral nonsense) never lets up. It's simply irritating - constantly insisting that whatever is happening is super important and emotional. It isn't.

Visually, it's an underlit digital mess. They seem to have bought every After Effects plugin, chucked them all on screen and then turned the brightness down from sheer embarrassment. Besides the unsightly visuals, we have appalling sound design - heavily compressed, muddy, piercing sound effects with ear-splitting eq, far too much bass on absolutely everything, etc. Again, death by a thousand software plugins.

It's boring, glum, and pompous.

Drive-Away Dolls (2024)

Ethan's Big Cope

[1/10 · 13 March 2024]

This is like your grandpa trying to write a sitcom for Gen Alpha.

Cohen's direction seems to have been "Do an accent! Quirk harder!" It's so try-hard that it's straight-up embarrassing. I'm embarrassed.

The cast all know what kind of movie they're in because they've seen The Big Lebowski and want some of that cult cred, so they've all decided to do a Nic Cage impression.

Plot and structure are all over the place, which would be fine if the individual scenes tied the room together, but they don't. It's a scattershot mess of unfunny dreck.

No jokes? No problem! Simply throw word salad at the audience and prattle on about sex and drugs until the credits roll. That's funny, right?

Ethan seems to have taken the South Park 'put a chick in it meme' and driven off a cliff. I wonder where he got his inspiration for this tedious, bloviating lesbian road movie. I'm sure it has nothing to do with his own degenerate lifestyle.

The Killer (2023)

Miscast but worth watching.

[6/10 · 11 November 2023]

The narration is well written with nice turns of phrase and liberal use of quotations. Unfortunately, Fassbender delivers it in a dull monotone. His performance is - sadly - boring. He makes for an unconvinving killer. I couldn't help thinking that if it was Steve Buscemi (or any quirky/charismatic actor), it would be ten times better.

Otherwise, the cinematography and editing are excellent. This is pretty safe Fincher fare. He's not experimenting or pushing himself, but his signature style is evident throughout. It's high quality all the way.

There are a few plot contrivances, coincidences and conveniences, but nothing stupid. There are some continuity errors and a couple of redundant scenes, but overall the pacing works well. It's slower than you might expect, going for a stark procedural tone rather than twisty thrills.

It's visually and sonically top tier. Worth watching, certainly, but don't expect a masterpiece. A beautiful but ordinary movie.

Bird Box: Barcelona (2023)

The Spanish word for 'garbage'' is 'basura'.

[2/10 · 17 July 2023]

The first movie was insultingly stupid filler, made watchable by Sandy Bullock. But Georgina Campbell is in this one and I thought she might bring something fresh to the screen. I was wrong. It's a basic retread, with all the same logical brain-hurts of the first movie, only brain-hurtier.

Mario Casas, a good actor, plays a boring man who is boring. He is escorting a kid through the post-apocalyptic streetssjc#'gch... sorry, I got bored of typing. You know the plot. It's Plot Number 1 from the Big Book of Plots - a bunch of generic humans stumble through derivative scenes until one of them gets yeeted in a flourish of Adobe After Effects plugins.

Do not expect suspense or horror. The director does not know what these things are. The sci-fi elements are completely ignored, so if you've seen the first one, there's nothing new here.

The score is shockingly bad, ever-present and thematically stagnant throughout the entire runtime. The dual-language Spanish setting could have worked well, but they do absolutely nothing with it.

The whole thing reeks of tax breaks. Somewhere, in a Netflix boardroom, people with expensive habits are very pleased with themselves.

Hypnotic (2023)

C-Grade B-Movie

[6/10 · 4 June 2023]

If you watch this as a silly parody or outright comedy, you'll have a fun time. Just point and laugh at the screen and marvel at how stupid the whole thing is and then forget it about it forever.

If you take it seriously, it will be a miserable experience. This is one of the worst written thrillers in recent memory. Poorly acted, terrible direction, generic soundtrack, unintelligible dialogue, preposterous story. Affleck should have been advised to keep his tongue firmly in his cheek, but for some reason he tries to act his way through this tripe, with hilarious results.

The cinematography is ok, though not as inventive as you'd expect from Robert Rodriguez. He's older now and seems to have lost his vigour, but his framing and lighting is occassionally fun, very over-the-top, with flickers of creativity here and there.

Hard to rate. It's awful, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a good time laughing at it.

John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)

Big Wick

[7/10 · 23 May 2023]

The main problem is that the sound design is excrement. They seem to think that 'moar bass, moar loud' is a shortcut to quality. It isn't. It's one of the most acoustically ugly experiences I've ever had.

The rest of the movie is fine. Appropriate acting, interesting sets, creative choreography and decent stuntwork. It has almost no story, relying heavily on pure action. Despite the hefty runtime, it manages to be a lot of fun - a solid entry in a franchise that has been consistently entertaining and consistently high-effort. Apparently this is the 'final' entry. Sure. Sure it is.

Just get a new sound editor next time.

Infinity Pool (2023)

Ineffective sci-fi with facile themes.

[3/10 · 16 February 2023]

A very slight tale of how, on a small island in the middle of nowhere, the wealthy can get away with anything, thanks to some silly sci-fi tech. It's another 'eat the rich' story by self-flagellating rich people.

Skarsgard plays James. You know his name is James because Mia Goth says his name in pretty much every line. It may be the only word you can actually understand - this is yet another movie where everybody croaks, mumbles and whispers incoherently the whole time. It's so trendy.

James is a sad writer. His character arc is that he's a sad writer. The rest of the cast are other mannequins who are free to be as depraved as they like. So what do they do? They have some naughty sex and do a violence. That's about it. That's as deranged as it gets. There are some laughable 'reveals' along the way, which only serve to make the story dumber.

Some movies aren't afraid of going deep and dark ('Martyrs' springs to mind). 'Infinity Pool' doesn't even dip its toes in the water (ok, I'm allowed one pun). The story is silly, the acting is coma-inducing, the effects are surprisingly tame and it's so scared of sex it feels the need to blur and distort the image, flashing colours and lights at you instead of lovely boobs. 'Art', ladies and gentlemen.

Tár (2022)

Utterly moronic.

[4/10 · 12 January 2023]

Tar establishes its central thesis early on. Should we seperate art from the artist? It's an age-old question worthy of exploration.

But then the movie completely abandons its own premise and spends the next two hours exploring an entirely different question - can an artist seperate *themselves* from their art? Well, obviously the answer is 'no'. But not a single person in the cinema, nor on the planet, would ever ask something so inane.

This is like a child asking 'why does poop smell?' and then the parent answering by playing a trumpet solo.

I hate using the word pretentious, but with the intentionally sterile performances, rigid cinematography and clockwork characters, no other word will do. It is constantly screaming at us to pay attention to the subtext and even uses cheesy tricks like inserting 'ghosts' into background scenes to suggest depth. It desperately wants to be seen as smart, but it's stupid beyond belief.

I've never seen a movie that misses its own point. Correction: I have now.

Bones and All (2022)

Not much to chew on.

[4/10 · 25 November 2022]

There are more entertaining 'folie a deux' movies out there (Heavenly Creatures / Thoroughbreds) and much better cannibal movies (Raw). I'm not sure what niche this movie is trying to fill - it's Young Adult fiction with a bit of gore. Too juvenile to take seriously, too humourless to enjoy, too tame to shock.

With the constant mumbling, whispering and thick accent, I found it difficult to understand what the Chalamet was saying a lot of the time. I also have a knee-jerk dislike for Mark Rylance and think he's a terrible actor, so I'm not even sure why I went to see this.

Oh, I it's got cannibalism in it, that's why. I thought it would be fun, but it's not. It's sombre, boring and very long with a central love story that is in desperate need of a chemistry set. It looks nice, though.

I hear the book is okay, if you're into YA. But it doesn't work on screen at all. Disappointing all round.

Presence (I) (2022)

Technically competent, impossible to recommend.

[3/10 · 20 November 2022]

A woman called Jen suffers from weird dreams as her professional and personal life hits the skids. Then she sees a ghost or something. Or was it another dream? Then she's on a yacht. Then she has a panic attack. Then she's fine. Then she's going to be a millionaire. Then the ghost again! Oh, it's gone. Never mind.

It's a badly written script with a main character that we know nothing about. The movie doesn't explain who she is or why we should care, so it's very hard to maintain interest.

Jenna Lyng Adams shows tons of potential as a lead but she's too attractive to play a down-and-out loser with no friends. Nevertheless, she puts in some decent work. The rest of the cast is ok too.

It's well directed, visually, but terribly directed when it comes to characters and diction. Every line is croaked and fried in that 'Instagram Mumblecore' way, forcing me to use subtitles.

Then, just as you're about to smash the tv to bits in a fit of boredom-induced rage, the script decides to get out of bed and have a go at tackling some broader ideas, while conveniently forgetting about the gaping chasms in the plot. Then it stops.

Devil's Workshop (2022)

A very poor horror film.

[2/10 · 5 November 2022]

Radha Mitchell is great and puts in a solid effort as a demonologist who attempts to mentor a struggling actor. Said actor is a twenty-something nitwit who is cool because he smokes weed and listens to the rippity rap music yo.

So we get half an hour of him behaving like a weener with occassional scenes of blaring rap in lieu of a proper soundtrack, destroying any potential atmosphere.

By the time he gets to Radha to 'study' her ways, I was bored of everything about him. Sadly, the rest of the movie starts to 'explore' his backstory while you consider taking a nap. There's a sub-plot bubbling away with an acting rival, but that's of no interest to anyone.

It asks very few questions, contains almost no horror and is in no way profound or thought-provoking.

Smile (V) (2022)

Worst. Therapist. Ever.

[7/10 · 3 November 2022]

Sosie Bacon plays an incompetent therapist who mutters platitudes and stands about doing precisely nothing while bad things happen to her patients.

After demonstrating her inability to administer basic first aid to anyone within a fifty mile radius, she catches a case of the spooks. The spooks then follow her around being all creepy and not doing much, perhaps as an ironic form of mockery. None of the characters, supernatural or otherwise, seem to be any good at their jobs.

This is dimwitted nonsense, but it's excellently produced. Decent acting, good cinematography, tight editing and engaging direction. It's a good time, despite the braindead characters, copy-paste writing, appalling dialogue and endless cliches. It's an amusing and occassionally effective pulpy jumpy horror - a highly polished turd that is so shiny you stop noticing the smell.

Worth a watch, once, just for fun.

Terrifier 2 (2022)

Delivers on its promises.

[8/10 · 28 October 2022]

It's a fun splatterhouse movie for people who love practical fx and black comedy. I found it very funny. Don't expect tension, atmosphere, clever writing or (god forbid) a character study. This is pure shock and schlock, but done really well.

LaVera is excellent in the lead. Thornton's clowning is phenomenal. It borrows a lot from foreign splatter movies, but Leone manages to carve out his own style. Props, costume, make-up, production design and sets are all great. Audio is the weakest element - mostly ok, but some scenes (like the club) are amateurishly mixed or have overloud music. The score is good though, mostly synthwave with a lot of flourishes to punctuate the gags.

I'm giving this a high rating because it does exactly what it says on the tin. Fans of these movies (like me) are under-served by studios that constantly regurgitate the lame and the tame. Terrifier 2 is a wonderful example of the subgenre. It's obviously not for everyone and doesn't pretend to be, but I had a ton of fun and will happily buy several tickets for Terrifier 3.

Pearl (2022)

Self-indulgent slop.

[2/10 · 24 October 2022]

Mia Goth is credited as co-writer, but her talents are clearly in acting and she should put the pen down. Her performance is ok as she croaks her way through the garbled dialogue (warning - constant vocal fry), but the movie is a dud.

The only positives are the production design and colour scheme. Everything else - editing, score, script, direction - all very weak.

The story itself (a small slice of Pearl's upbringing) is crazy boring, wallowing in the mundane with no concern for the audience or entertainment. I thought 'X' was a below average horror, yet Pearl is much, much worse. By the end I was struggling to stay awake and somewhat angry that this movie offered so little.

I've seen most of Ti West's movies now. All he can do is regurgitate that painfully retro-chic style, again and again. Absolutely no substance. This will be the last time I spend time and money on one of his films. What a rip off.

Hellraiser (2022)

A sanitized product with some good ideas.

[5/10 · 10 October 2022]

Good: The production and visual design. It delivers an excellent exploration of the box and its mechanics. If you're a fan of the franchise, you'll have seen it already.

Mixed: Average acting throughout. Many of the one-dimensional non-characters croak out their lines with permanent vocal fry, as is the fashion of the day, so I had to use subtitles. I miss enunciation. The Cenobites are a lovely bunch and Clayton's version of The Priest is ok, sensibly avoiding mimicry, but not remotely frightening or imposing.

Bad: All the psychosexual elements of the mythology are missing. Instead we get 'addiction', which is utterly tedious. The score is hot paps, ruined by modern percussion, blaring synths and stupid amounts of bass on everything. Vocal fx often make the Cenobites unintelligible (subtitles to the rescue again) and some of the ADR is wonky. Ambient noise is badly mixed and many spot effects are ridiculously loud. Listen to when Serena munches on an olive. Good god, it's appalling.

It gets some things right, namely the box and the lore. I'd happily watch a sequel if the scriptwriters stop being cowardly and give us a story that's much more salacious, perverse and disgusting. Y'know, like Hellraiser.

Emily the Criminal (2022)

Left me wanting more, in a good way.

[8/10 · 9 October 2022]

A straight-ahead petty crime thriller with a great central performance. Camera, sound, editing, direction - all competent and in service to the story.

The supporting cast is good too. Most of the characters feel fresh with one or two fleeting exceptions (the juvenile 'corporate boss' scene being the worst offender). But don't worry - it zips through the predictable bits to get to the good stuff, which is Emily's character development and the effects of her escalating criminality.

The only downside is Emily's motivations (debt and a general malaise at 'the world') which are kinda weak and almost spill over into millennial cringe. Thankfully the script is smart enough to dodge the usual traps and avoids becoming yet another eye-rolling empowerment story.

Aubrey Plaza really is on top form here, turning Emily into a compelling antihero who is believable all the way to the end.

Blonde (2022)

Beautiful but bland slideshow.

[4/10 · 7 October 2022]

The tired old story of a Hollywood Dream. It offers nothing new, but it's nice to look at - for a while. Not three hours.

Ana de Armas is great. Wonky accent, yup, but she embodies the starlet character brilliantly. I know it's called 'Blonde' and isn't strictly speaking about Monroe, but the film uses her image as a selling point, with little purpose.

This could be a horror story about anybody and should have followed an unknown actress. Movies like Mulholland Drive explore the 'downfall' theme in a more mature and entertaining way. 'Blonde' has nothing to say.

In the end, the director is so in love with his shot composition he forgot to edit out all the redundant scenes, which make up 75% of the movie. A slog. Armas tries hard, but can't overcome Andrew Dominik's self-indulgence.

Ultrasound (2021)

Sci-fi pulp done well.

[8/10 · 3 October 2022]

I enjoyed the way this movie unfolds. Scenes are obtuse and fragmented for the first half, then the plot slowly comes into focus. The story is a darkly comic psycho-sci-fi that gets a bit silly, yet manages to sustain a serious and mysterious tone thanks to some excellent acting, editing, music and direction.

It doesn't tackle any 'big' subjects, it's having fun with plot and structure while telling a shaggy dog story. Any explanation would contain spoilers - putting it together is kinda the point. The person I saw it with didn't have a clue what was going on and got frustrated, so fair warning that it requires attention.

The last act lets it down a little, mainly due to budget restraints. The sets and lighting aren't fit for purpose in a few of the 'actiony' scenes and it would have worked better with a more cerebral, or at least cunning, ending. Still, it's a genuinely creative and interesting little movie.

The Munsters (2022)

Intentionally bad movie is bad.

[2/10 · 27 September 2022]

Say what you like about Zombie, he's got a 'voice' in cinema and I can appreciate that. Unfortunately, The Munsters is total cack.

Pantomime acting, terrible audio, cartoonish soundtrack, amateurish camerawork... all on purpose, sure, but nevertheless terribly executed.

It's two hours of primary colours being blasted into your eyes. I recommend crying as you watch it to blur the pain. I'm not gonna watch it in black and white to see if it's better. Nothing can fix this.

The script is an obituary of puns, double-entendres and... actually, that's all you get. Zombie is so devoted to the TV heritage that he forgot to make a movie. It's a boring slog through Herman's creation and courtship of Lily.

Most scenes are mundane and oddly stationary - characters just sit around a lot. The final product is weirdy regimented, uniform in its garishness and unbearably long. On a positive note, its easily forgettable.

Confess, Fletch (2022)

A very specific kind of comedy.

[7/10 · 27 September 2022]

This is a dialogue comedy which sticks to its origins and delivers a fast, convoluted and confusing plot to create a sense of the absurd. Like most comedies, if you like this kind of humour, it works.

I'm not a fan myself (I find it too restrictive when a script dumps all of its comedy into nothing but quippy lines), but I didn't hate it because it is clearly dedicated to its niche and written/performed brilliantly.

The script constantly muddies the plot and refers to characters you haven't met (and some you will never meet) just to keep you baffled, with Fletch himself being absurdly magnetic to everyone around him for no particular reason other than he's the main character.

It's well shot, tightly edited and the production is excellent. As somebody who didn't particularly like the old Chase movies, I can say I was amused and appreciative of everyone's commitment to what could have been a huge disaster. It isn't. It's a solid comedy for fans of absurd, sardonic, line-based humour.

She Will (2021)

Insufferable

[2/10 · 20 September 2022]

Pretentious twaddle about arthouse witches who mumble their way through a gender studies essay in lieu of a script.

The acting is somehow hammy and lifeless at the same time. Dialogue is overwritten and contorted beyond human recognition. Character development is absent. Themes are trite and cliche. Sound design is terrible (I had to mute the first ten minutes and watch subtitles due to the constant overloud drone of a train). Cinematography is stagey and oversaturated.

The costumes are nice. That's about it. It comes off like a smug theatre director having a go at making a horror movie because they think it'll be easy money. Judging by the fawning mainstream reviews I've read, it kinda worked.

I hope the director gets over herself and aims for entertainment rather than chin-rubs with her next project. If you liked the Suspiria remake, you might like this. It's the same kind of try-hard claptrap, only more boring.

Speak No Evil (2022)

No more heroes.

[7/10 · 18 September 2022]

An uptight couple are invited to spend the weekend with another couple they befriended on holiday. As the movie's ominous score will let you know, things get weird.

Many have compared this to Michael Haneke's work, but it's no pale imitation. Shot composition, camera and lighting is all excellent. The sound design is superb - subtle and very detailed. Everyone acts well.

Apparently, some people dislike the film because there is no 'common sense' or whatever, but I saw a movie that uses plot contrivances to illustrate its meta-narrative points of parenthood, cowardice, selfishness and heroism.

I almost gave it an 8, but it could have gone even further with its cruelty and explored the themes more. There was stuff left to do.

If you want fun and thrills - avoid. It's slow, bleak and heartless. But if you want an intelligent, well-structured and thoughtful horror movie, it's a good 'un.

House of Darkness (2022)

Barely a movie, more like a play with one act.

[3/10 · 18 September 2022]

Justin Long plays a dorky guy who drives the sassy Kate Bosworth home to maybe get frisky in her big old spooky house.

The rest of the movie is a real time (yes, really) conversation that drags on and on. The extensive dialogue is cluttered, swamped with umms and ahhs and throwaway lines that the cheapest editor on Fiverr would have jettisoned immediately.

The cinematography is poor. Actors often have their eyes in shadow which subtracts from their otherwise decent performances. There is only one location, a living room, and most of the time we can barely see it. They took the title literally, it seems. Don't expect the house to play any role. It doesn't.

It's a very basic movie, essentially a one act radio play. A cliched thirty second denouement is telegraphed hard and then it's over. I can't even tell you what this movie is about because it only has one idea and it would spoil the whole thing. As a five minutes short, it would be respectable. As a movie, it's a toothless waste of time.

Tiny Cinema (2022)

A respectable anthology that doesn't quite work.

[5/10 · 11 September 2022]

Here be six comedy horror/thriller stories with an 'edgy humour' flavour, full of irritating characters. It's fairly well directed and the acting is decent. The lighting and production design is mostly good and the camerawork is ok, if bland. The sound mixing is very poor, heavily compressed, cluttered and amateurish. Dialogue is often difficult to make out.

The stories themselves are framed by our narrator Paul Ford, but he's just a generic host. A wasted opportunity. Some stories try too hard to be quirky and fail, but some are silly and fun. The ideas are fine, but they are in desperate need of better screenwriting. They're all about 15min long, so none of them outstay their welcome, though none of them shine either.

Overall, it's... 'immature' is probably the best word. The filmmakers have some growing up to do and many skills to refine. It's watchable because everyone seems to be putting in a lot of effort to entertain. It's well produced and shows real promise.