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Kairo (2001)
Babby's first nihilism
Holy depressed student film, batman!
I don't know how to even spoil the plot for you because the filmmakers forgot to write one. It kind of reminds me of that even worse film Annihilation. Everyone just kinda turns to stains or something else until there's one girl left, only none of the rules are explained for what is going on and how you get from point A to point B. And nihilism ooo that's crazy.
The film has contradictory logic that isn't fully explained where ghosts are trapped in forever lonely boxes, BUT they can also escape and spill out through Windows 95 because their forever lonely box is full to bursting like my bladder after the movie ended.
They also DON'T want to make you sad and kill yourself because they know being forever lonely really sucks, but every living person keeps self doming anyway.
The ghosts are in rooms that people I guess must have entered, but somehow don't dome themselves long enough to tape it off in red for other people. Really that's just ASKING for them to go in so it really would've been better if they just made the door look as boring as possible and left it off.
The cast feels sad and "drop" like flies until the director puts everything under a grey filter and a C130 with really depressed pilots crash into a building, signalling the sad rapture. The last 2 dorks climb into a boat and drive off, eventually meeting a guy with a bigger boat but 1 dork is a stain THE END.
I initially was surprised how much Ju-On seemed to nab from this and was gonna take points off that film, but BOTH the 2002 and the 2000 TV movie basically beat this film at it's own game. All the 2002 movie does is steal some visuals but fortunately not the script! Skip this and watch Ringu or either version of Ju-On. Skip all American remakes obviously.
Sûpâ Mario burazâzu: Pîchi-hime kyushutsu dai sakusen! (1986)
HE GOT CUCKED BY THE DOG
What overall was a cute if not childishly simple adaptation of Super Mario Bros gets points off for it's laughably stupid ending. Mario does all this for Peach who is quite taken with him as well, but the obnoxious 3rd wheel Anpanman blue dog turns into a prince and I guess they have to marry because of a matching necklace prophecy? What a load of absolute nonsense. White women and dogs strike again, a tale truly as old as time it seems no matter what country, era, or universe they find themselves in.
Besides that, the movie with a runtime of an hour still could have had about 10 minutes cut that drag, mostly on montages where they milk the absolute hell out of the non-game OST songs that make up the soundtrack. They are inoffensive enough but they get old the first time around, much less the 5th.
The Super Mario Brothers Movie from 1993 somehow STILL manages to be the best Mario movie made so far, beating this movie by a hair. The 2023 Illumination garbage is one of the worst video game movies ever made and I spit on it.
Drive-Away Dolls (2024)
I never realized how big a pair of cuckolds the coens were until they split up
Ethan coen and his awful still self proclaimed lesbian wife are in an open relationship. And joel is married to inclusion rider Frances McDormand...I don't know which brother has it worse off.
Now that the Coen brothers legacy is over and they are happy to spin wheels, I guess Ethan's wife finally bullied him into finishing the awful script she supposedly wrote ages ago back when the Coens were too busy making things of actual quality. Frances McDormand self inserting as Lady MacBeth in order to play power fantasies with her BBC bull Denzel Washington at least had an interesting "art imitates life" thing going on with her husband, and that movie had the framework of Shakespeare propping it up from being terrible. As far as this movie goes, save your time and/or money and watch anything from Blood Simple to Buster Scruggs instead.
Fire Emblem Gaiden (1992)
holds up well other than a somewhat broken ending
You MUST get the falchion sword to kill Doma or the game can't be beaten. The game shouldn't even let you fight him without getting it but it does. Other than that it holds up really well and is a vast improvement over the original NES game which also holds up not too badly. Nice spritework, interesting inversions of how fire emblem games usually function. The other guy writing a review is an idiot weeb zoomer that likes the horrible anime garbage that fire emblem has become ever since the 3DS games. The older fire emblem games despite their more archaic design are infinitely better than what the series has become.
Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)
Guillermo huffs his own farts in awful take that Disney and Kubrick/Spielberg already nailed 20 and 80 years prior.
"This is a mature story" say shills who also thought the Fish Love movie he made deserved best picture. This may be the most obnoxious and patronizing film ever made. Yes Del Toro, facism is bad. Thanks. I've seen Pan's Labyrinth and most of your other movies, I get it. That was a real hard one or me. This movie fails at humor- the funniest part is seeing pinocchio being recruited into the hitler youth for his immortality. Everyone just accepts a puppet is alive and is not too bothered after initial shock. The songs consist of "my son my son I love my son woo wee i do love you" that's word for word the music in this, literal nails on chalkboard in melody and lyrical content. The poopoo mussolini song was impressive too, but fortunately he has the sense to put a bullet in the puppets head for at least his own moment's reprieve. Jiminy cricket or should I say Ewan macgregor showing up 1 day in a recording booth to read lines plays no role in this but a gag trying to sing a song about his father which they milk incessantly.
The overall tone and all of the designs for the setting/characters especially monstruo make it obvious this movie's style is a frank ripoff of not only Selick/Burton's Nightmare before xmas, but ESPECIALLLY Selick's own James and the Giant Peach. Selick reached his own rock bottom in the equally patronizing, political, unfunny Wendell and Wild that was also stuck in development hell like this trash this year, but
I would recommend skipping this and revisiting James and The Giant Peach for your own sake, please. Avoid this version of Pinocchio at all costs.
The Powerpuff Girls: Criss Cross Crisis (2000)
one of the best episodes easy
Way better than Speed Demon or some of the other high rated eps. Funny, fast paced and crazy and for 20 min instead of a 10 min chunk.
3 Chains o' Gold (1994)
i dunno what crack these ppl are smoking but this is pretty boring
Its obtuse, boring, only half the songs are good
and the plot is explained in a title crawl at THE END of the film
really not llooking forward to purple rain and the others now
Neo Yokio (2017)
If Jaden Smith is in it, you know it's bad
Anti capitalists complain in a show that only exists because of
Will Smith's fame
everyone paying for their crappy Netflix subscription
Quantum of Solace (2008)
Bond as a Revenge Flick
Rough around the edges and fittingly so, this film is unique in the Bond universe as not only a direct sequel but a revenge flick at that.
Barring some weak social commentary and crappy parachute logic, this is one of the better Bond films easily. The action is great and relentless, to the point.
The duology of Casino Royale and Quantam is one of the highest points of the entire Bond franchise, and for people whining about the writer's strike, I implore you to get through rewatching Spectre without wanting to drink motor oil.
Kaubôi bibappu: Cowboy Bebop: Stray Dog Strut (1998)
After a good pilot, why is this episode so dumb?
Everyone is dumber than the dog. Spike just leaves after he sees the corgi,
when anyone with half a brain cell knows there's either something more to it.
A real bounty hunter would conclude that a rich person paid a small fortune to get their dog back, no questions asked. Unfunny hijinks ensue as well.
Might as well read the cliffnotes for this episode
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Icarus Factor (1989)
a weak retooling of Amok Time elements
A goofy duel with sticks and a brutal primitive ritual split into
an A and B plot. Another "should I take the promotion? I'd have to leave the enterprise...." plot, which we already saw with Wesley. Not the first and surely not the last, boring
Stoker (2013)
Stoker is Chan Wook Park's worst film by a wide margin
Boring, slow, and lacking much of the visual flair of his other works, Stoker is a hot piece of garbage. It's predictable, unoriginal, and makes Thirst look like a damn masterpiece. Trying to transition to American studio filmmaking never seems to work for Koreans, that schwarzenegger movie and Snowpiercer were awful as well.
The Sopranos: Pilot (1999)
Daunting, so much here and it's just getting started
A daunting premiere. There's already enough here to fill more than half a Godfather length film, and it's only the first episode, meaning it's only going to get worse from here.
The show feels heavy like a weight on my mind already, I can only hope it stays consistently good throughout the large episode count, just like Legend of the Galactic Heroes or Curb/Seinfeld
Turn in Your Grave (2012)
Real potential and good ideas dragged out to fill a feature length
Like Rob's controversial opinion of Blade Runner 2049, I quite liked the first half of the film, and thought the second half sucked. It takes a great premise and beginning and ends up just kind of repeating the same actions over and over until one particular character does something after which the film focuses on that one character instead of switching around from the perspective of all the people trapped in the room. Once that happens, the mysterious nature of the film peters out into just being a big lynch-aping bore. Much more competently put together than something like the AVGN movie or the godawful Nostalgia critic """""movies,""""" but he's better as a reviewer and an idea man.