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Reviews
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Big budget bomb
This stinker has everything: Over the top acting. Huge budget. Contemporary Hollywood mores transplanted to the 12th century. A CGI cast of thousands.
Saw this at a preview. At nearly 2 1/2 hours it is a long ordeal followed by a run for the exits.
The plot: Feudal lord reconnects with long lost/abandoned son before he dies. Son takes up where his father left off defending Jerusalem. Virtuous son knocks boots with wife of future king, staves off attacks by Muslims and saves the day. And remains true to himself. Oh, and at the end he goes back to being a simple blacksmith.
Wait for this to come to DVD (about a month from now) and borrow it from the local public library.
13 Going on 30 (2004)
Predictable insipid tripe
Here's a movie that should not have been made. Pixie dust makes a 13 year-old girl fast forward to age 30. We now have a lively, successful 30-year-old who has no clue what happened in the last 17 years of her life.
The rest can be predicted. She finds out she was a horrible person and turns everything around. Hooks up with the boy she dumped at age 13. Reconnects with the parents she ignored. Made happy faces to the secretary she used to abuse.
And then it gets wierd. She starts hanging around with 13-year-old girls and dispensing sage advice at sleepovers. Also starts to dress a little young. (pink ribbons in hair, etc.)
And of course you know how the movie will turn out and it does. Face it, this is a B movie with an obvious plot, bad acting and characters nobody can empathize with. I give it a generous 2 out of 10.
Forrest Gump (1994)
The drama! The tragedy! The pointlessness!
Spoiler Oooh! The drama! The tragedy! The pointlessness.
Forest Gump is the inane story of an insipid person with the usual Hollywood slant. A brain-dead person somehow shapes the course of history and we are supposed to believe it.
The drama is over the top and forced. Are we really supposed to cry when his girlfriend dies during the early AIDS years? "I caught a virus" she says. Come now now, at that time most of the infected people were promiscuous homosexual men.
And in the end we find out that the brain-damaged Gump is wiser than nearly everybody else. This one is so bad it must have Tom Hanks in it.
Runaway Jury (2003)
Predictably bad
Entirely predictable fare. Cartoonish villans Get What They Deserve at the hands of a good and wholesome hero. The one attempt at a plot twist (which way will he swing the jury?) fails to provide suspense. You just know which way the jury will go after about 5 minutes.
This is a "run for the exit" movie not worth the price of tickets. It quickly vanished from movie theaters, but not fast enough to save me. This flick is bad enough to be a future cult classic. My rating: a generous 2/10.
Dragonfly (2002)
dull, tedious, predictable
This doesn't make it to the so-so category. Don't watch it when tired or drowsy, you will fall asleep. Cardboard cutout characters and a predictable plot make this one to avoid. And it's not bad enough to be funny, either. My grade: D-
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
So bad it's laughable
The worst Robin Hood movie ever made. Bad acting, horrible direction and an overblown script are the film's only good features. Kevin Costner plays the same part he always (Waterworld set in old England) does at the same level of talent (none).
This film provided a lot of material for "Robin Hood, Men In Tights" to skewer a couple years later. In fact, don't watch Men In Tights without seeing Prince of Thieves first.
Missing Persons (2003)
Dull people have a story to tell, one not worth listening to
This follows the lives of four dullards: - An aging and befuddled cop nearing retirement. - A confused ex-Army robot who is missing a few pieces. - The not-too-successful criminal wannabe. - A young burnout who somehow gets in the NYPD.
None of them are worth watching or caring about. How any of them survive from one day to the next is a mystery not worth contemplating.
This is worse than "Plan 9 From Outer Space." Plan 9 was bad in a way that was funny. MP is just plain boring.
Oh, and the big claim to fame is animation using "custom software." Timing is off and motion is very slow. To make up for it characters "glide" after each too-slow step.
A hint to the twin brothers who made it: Don't quit your day job.
Waterworld (1995)
horrible, awful, dreadful movie. A must-see.
This movie is so bad you expect to see Kevin Costner in it. Huge budget exceeded by Kevin Costner's ego. Memorable scenes include:
- Gas-powered jet skis waiting underwater for our hero. Hello! Internal combustion engines need air!
- An oil tanker propelled by a bunch of people with oars. Scotty, give us warp 10!
- Said oil tanker blown up using a conveniently placed and open vent.
Add to that bad acting, bad directing, bad editing and you have one of the worst films ever. Almost makes you want to see Robin Hood or Dances With Cows.