Angry_Santa Reviews

Britannia (2017–2021)

In 43AD...

[1/10 · 15 May 2024]

... they had obviously-machine-stitched clothing made of man-made fibres, wore perfectly crafted boots Jimmy Choo would be envious of, and all had meticulous manicures. It was a time when high-maintenance trophy wives could single-handedly slay legions of muscle men with a single blow of the sword whilst never once getting even grazed by a passing arrow.

Yes folks, throw out all the history books you've read; in reality (if this rolling pile of drivel is to even be passingly believed) everything was the same two millennia ago as it is today, sans mobile 'phones - though I'm sure they'd have tried to squeeze them in if they could figure out a way.

I really don't know whom this is supposed to appeal to - the Mills & Boon crowd? If you're after action, there're far better shows. If you're after sex/nudity, there're far better shows.

Even Monty Python and the Holy Grail was far more historically accurate than this.

The Young Offenders (2018– )

Mind-boggling

[1/10 · 27 June 2023]

As another reviewer suggested, the characters depicted in this show seem like they were dropped on their heads at birth. The "antics" (using the phrase very loosely here) could be passable if being played by seven-year-olds in a show aimed at pre-schoolers, but seriously, their intellect makes Ali G seem like a rocket scientist in comparison.

I've known many Irish people, and I've known many English people, and this show smacks of something the English made in an effort to perpetuate the negative tropes aimed squarely at what they consider "the dim Irish."

Pretty pathetic all 'round; I have to wonder what level of intellect one must have to actually find this entertaining.

Psycho Sisters (1998)

Groundbreaking!

[2/10 · 11 April 2023]

This movie proves that there were pathetic slap-togethers created by talentless wanna-bes well before the advent of the first iPhone (the tool of choice for today's sub-$100 budget productions). Sure, there was schlock dating way back to the '50s, but at least that was quality schlock, some of which even attained cult status - but this steaming pile broke new ground when it was excreted in 1998.

So we have talentless writers and talentless directors (in each case team efforts, as no one person could possibly make something this horrendous), someone whose parents said they made a great family video holding the camera, and someone with the dexterity of Timmy from South Park doing the final editing. What a collection!

Add to this the "actresses" whose sole talent was their willingness to appear in front of the camera, and you have something which was made for screening at drive-ins a couple of decades after drive-ins started disappearing.

Midsommar (2019)

Best viewed with LSD

[3/10 · 5 April 2023]

Brilliant cinematography, but lacking in almost every other department.

The actors for the most part did their job admirably, but the premise and therefore entire production is nothing more than testament to multiple generations of Scandinavians being deprived the knowledge of their true traditions and their true ancestry.

The net result here is someone who obviously lacks understanding for "the ways of old" combining almost everything they've ever seen in sub-standard american movies over the decades, and attempting to apportion traits thereof to the Nords.

If there ever were folk of this ilk in the Northern lands, they would've surely died out within a generation. George Orwell's Eloi (from The Time Machine) are intellectual giants in comparison.

Sex/Life (2021–2023)

Like a poor person's re-make of Red Shoe Diaries.

[1/10 · 5 February 2023]

Red Shoe Diaries was woeful to the extreme, but in comparison to this steaming pile, it was cinematic brilliance.

Just who is the target audience? Thirteen-year-old girls who think life is like a soft-core romance novel? Spinsters looking for an excuse for their lack of intimate connection? Fourteen-year-old boys whose parents have locked down their internet connection?

When the script and acting in the average slapped-together-in-a-single-afternoon porn movie far outshine what's on offer in this show, you really have to question this entire production - from the producers right down to the writers.

The Rehearsal (2022– )

Makes "Curb Your Enthusiasm" seem exciting in comparison

[1/10 · 5 February 2023]

If you've spent the first part of your day picking lint out of your navel and thought "I need something a bit slower-paced to wind down," this might be the show for you to watch.

If you've just had multiple root canals and thought "I need something even more painful in my life," this might be the show for you to watch.

If you've been watching zombie movies and thought "these zombies are far too lively and eloquent," this might be the show for you to watch.

Seriously, there is not one single redeeming factor to this show. I spent most of my time thinking the characters were the result of terminations gone wrong, where the babies were thrown out and the bathwater lived on to participate in this cruel waste of time and money.

Riki Rhino (2020)

Children are not idiots!

[6/10 · 26 December 2022]

This movie could've been SOOOOO much better if not for the ridiculous vocal filters applied to the (English-dubbed) voices. These effects might be entertaining to one-year-olds, but are sorely out of place in this movie obviously made for children aged 4+. I just hope that the original audio was at least properly done.

The animation isn't on par with something Dreamworks would put out, but then this studio doesn't have a bottomless money pit to draw from - and within the constraints they had, they've managed a great production.

Decent story, goofy enough to not need too much concentration; it'll leave a contented smile on your kids' faces and a likely desire to re-watch.

Aloevera (2020)

I got a copy

[1/10 · 3 October 2022]

It's very sad that there are copies of this movie freely available outside of Ghana; the torment endured watching this steaming pile of worthless drivel should be entirely confined to Ghana, instead of being unleashed on the innocent world at large.

Absolutely zero worth in the script, the production, the direction or the acting; this weekend project barely worthy of consideration as a production by a direly failing high school drama class should be relegated to the bin before more people have their sensibilities and intelligence insulted.

If you've experienced difficulty in getting a copy of this pile, consider yourself lucky.

Infini (2015)

I LOVED the ending!

[3/10 · 9 September 2022]

No, not the last act of the movie - I just loved it when the movie finished, as it meant I no longer had to stomach this dysfunctional conglomeration of other people's ideas.

Almost every scene, almost every theme, was taken from other (much better) movies - but worse than that, it appears to have drawn on the worst parts of other movies.

The acting was on par with the script (and that's not a compliment). Plenty of worthless babble getting very close to mumblecore on multiple occasions, very shallow characters, and portrayals that make Chuck Norris seem like an accomplished Thespian in comparison.

Seriously, this wouldn't be at all out of place if it was released as a TV movie.

I normally give Australian movies the benefit of the doubt, as there've been many great (even cult-level) movies in the past which had initially received bad reviews - but this pile is about as Australian as McDonald's.

Dogtown 2 (2022)

A worthy successor to the first Dog Town

[1/10 · 18 January 2022]

If you suffered through the first five minutes of the original Dog Town from 2019 (let's face it, nobody in their right mind would want to sit through any more than five minutes) and want to re-live the experience, Dogtown 2 will give you the exact same gut-wrenching feeling.

The story's just as non-existent, the voice acting's worse than people reading fake endorsements, and the animation - well, let's just say that it's every bit as "special" as that in the original movie.

When confronted with something like this, I usually joke that the animation was done on a Commodore 64 - but this is far worse.

Don't bother with this one; even my two-year-old granddaughter walked away.

Cinderella's Hot Night (2017)

A pathetic McMovie

[1/10 · 3 January 2022]

Take a five-minute script and pad it out with a dozen or so really bad sex scenes featuring plastic (in both physical and thespian aspects), and you have yourself a movie perhaps suitable for a thirteen-year-old trying to learn about the shadier aspects of anatomy.

Seriously, this thing makes Days of Our Lives seem like a masterpiece in comparison.

If you're not one of the aforementioned pubescent target audience, it's probably best to give this a wide berth - you'll likely wear your fast-forward button out trying to get through it.

Lovers (I) (2019)

I laughed before I even watched the movie!

[4/10 · 27 November 2021]

Normally I'd come here hoping to find useful insight into the quality of a movie before I decide to watch it, but in this instance I was entirely distracted by corneliamathis's review. So much in fact that I didn't come back until half an hour later, once my sides had stopped hurting, to continue my investigation into whether this movie is worth watching.

So, getting back to the matter at hand... The movie itself seems a little pointless; it's an attempt at romanticising "break-up sex," an attempt to portray it as something more than it actually is. Why is it that the "arty" types can't be satisfied with the fact that some things just are?

If you're a "dweller/klinger," particularly if you're the dumpee (as opposed to the dumper), you might find this movie useful in helping you come to grips with the fact that you've only lost that which you didn't need in the first place. If you're looking for something to keep your attention for a little over an hour, you might want to skip it. It's not a bad movie; it's just that there's not much there to keep your brain ticking over.

Agent F.O.X. (2014)

This is NOT a "StonerVision" production.

[7/10 · 4 November 2021]

I don't know what's worse - adults trying to watch cartoons which are obviously aimed at young (3-6yo) children, or them coming here to whinge that it wasn't up to the standards of The Quiet Don.

Guys, if you're wanting to watch something whilst baked, hunt down any of the US-made movies of the past decade - they're pathetic enough to entertain the three brain cells you still have functioning. DON'T go looking for a kids' cartoon only to complain about it.

This is a reasonable (though admittedly far from amazing) effort which WILL keep the youngsters entertained, with likely several requests following for a re-watch. A solid 7/10.

Night at the Eagle Inn (2021)

Fraternal twins?!

[1/10 · 2 November 2021]

Does that mean they're the result of their brother inseminating their mother? Of course not, it just means that their grasp of English is just as bad as their grasp of movie-making.

If only they'd invested as much time, money and effort in making this movie, as they've obviously invested in paying off reviewers - maybe then it'd have been at least mediocre, not the crud which we've been served up here.

Later Days (2021)

Millennials without a clue

[3/10 · 29 October 2021]

Firstly, why would children born in the mid-late '80s (ergo too young to appreciate the music of the time) want to have had '80s music at their original graduation party, let alone at a re-do of it?

Secondly, why did the producers choose the absolute worst of '80s music? Was it that the good stuff was too expensive to licence? Or was it that the producers were too dorky to know the difference between hit and s*it?

Finally, why the mumblecore? If you're making a movie, it'll be viewed by people who have a real life and a real social life. Mumblecore might be great for those who live their lives buried in Zuck's world, but they're not going to be watching a video any longer than three minutes; they simply don't have the attention span.

The concept was different enough to have been able to make this a passable - even a decent - movie, but the execution fell waaaay short.

Safe House (2012 TV Movie)

Not for the feint of intellect.

[8/10 · 23 October 2021]

If you're used to being spoon-fed what you should think, if you're used to knowing whether to laugh or cry by listening for the laugh track or sombre music, if your level of comprehension dictates that you wear slip-ons instead of lace-up shoes, this movie will definitely NOT be fore you.

Each of the characters in this movie has sufficient depth to warrant a second viewing; the story is well-developed and though they've taken some creative liberties, it's still tied closely enough to the true story which inspired it, to give an eerie sense of dread throughout as the viewer is faced with the possibility of it happening to them.

A great movie to watch with a clear head - definitely not for those seeking gay abandon or brainless mush.

Muppets Haunted Mansion (2021 TV Special)

Mumblecore Muppets?!

[2/10 · 11 October 2021]

Disney's handling of the take-over of Muppet franchise couldn't have been handled any more ham-fistedly.

We now have insipid characters muttering insipid lines in insipid voices - absolutely zero of the joie de vivre which shone through every element of the original Muppets.

I'm glad I still have the DVDs of the original show for my grandchildren to enjoy (though I am mightily miffed that they haven't re-mastered them to HD BluRay). I feel sorry for the kids who're being forced to view this "new age" tripe with precisely zero worth.

Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman (2021)

The "daytime soap opera" version of the story.

[1/10 · 10 October 2021]

For anyone even vaguely interested in the real story - or even interested in real writing and acting - do yourself a favour and watch Monster (2003).

In the 2003 movie, the producers/writers/director went to great lengths to make sure the movie was guided by real facts, and picked a cast capable of delivering performances so strong that at times it seemed more like a documentary.

American Boogeywoman by contrast delivers little more than you'd expect to find in gossip magazines, with production/writing/acting more at home in "Days of Our Lives" than in a movie.

Seriously, give this one a miss.

Gerri Curls (2021)

And the prize for most money invested in shill reviews goes to...

[1/10 · 3 October 2021]

Seriously, you'd get more entertainment from a 75-minute recording of steaming dog excrement. There really have been far better and more entertaining films left on unrinsed windows.

An utter insult to the intellect of even the dimmest of society, this monstrosity is a dire waste of electrons - and quite a statement on the state of the mental health care system which allows the creators of such to continue roaming the streets unmedicated.

Getaway of Love (2015)

The blindness of lust

[3/10 · 27 September 2021]

In a country where almost every woman cheats on her husband, a story where a woman is strong enough to actually convince her lover to keep her.

Please Come with Me (2018)

Imagine the Truman Show aimed at a couple...

[1/10 · 18 September 2021]

... Wired 24/7 with cameras, so we can glimpse into their inner-most lives...

Now imagine all of the interesting moments those cameras could capture... And remove them entirely from the film.

That's basically what we get here - a "slice of life" with all of the good bits removed. The story (if you can even call it that) goes absolutely nowhere, the characters evoke neither connection nor empathy from the viewer. It's almost as bad as that snap-happy uncle's boring slide show at the family gathering.

I've said it many times before - just because you CAN make a movie, doesn't mean that you SHOULD make one.

Our Cartoon President (2018–2020)

Hey, why not?

[5/10 · 10 September 2021]

Any puppet of the regime is worth ridiculing, and why not start with the most cartoonish of recent presidents?

The real proof in the pudding is yet to be seen though - will Colbert continue by lampooning the dementia-ridden marionette Biden? And Skeletor's twin sister Pelosi? I certainly hope so!

We Need to Do Something (2021)

Yes, we really need to do something...

[1/10 · 4 September 2021]

We need to do something about every Tom, Dick and Harry with a video camera thinking they're capable of making a watchable movie.

We need to do something about vanity producers creating and enlisting shill accounts to pile praise onto their monstrosities through fake reviews and ratings.

Wander (I) (2020)

If anyone needed proof that re-animation is impossible...

[3/10 · 8 May 2021]

What use is a star-studded cast when your script was written by a toddler on magic mushrooms?

The writer and director should hang their heads in shame and beg the cast for forgiveness, for dragging their names into disrepute with this abomination.

The Clockwork Girl (2014)

Who got animation software in their Christmas stocking?

[1/10 · 24 April 2021]

As the only other real reviewer here (all the others appear to be directly connected with the movie) notes, the animation on this thing is absolutely horrendous - not even on par with video games from two decades ago.

The poor animation might be acceptable to very young (under four years old) children, but then the story isn't entirely comprehensible by them - and older children who'll fully understand the story will very likely turn away because of the poor animation.

All in all, great as an experiment but far from worthy of being published - the animators should spend the next couple of years learning how to actually use their newly-acquired animation software, lest they create another worthless pile like this one.