koohii Reviews

Columbo: Columbo Likes the Nightlife (2003) Season 10, Episode 14

A pathetic end

[4/10 · 4 May 2024]

No surprise that this was the writer's first script. It shows. The real surprise is that anyone ever hired him to write afterward. While not the worst Columbo outing (the two stories based on 87th Precinct novels vie for that title), it is a very poor one.

This was clearly an attempt to bring Columbo into the 21st century, but as always, he handles evidence without gloves, destroying fingerprints and DNA with reckless abandon, except when the script asks for it.

The big let-down is of course the villains: They're imbeciles. This is no battle of wits between geniuses. The baddies haven't been planning this for weeks and thought all the angles through--no, they're a couple of schlubs who are about as dumb as a (follower of a certain politician--take your pick, there's plenty of bad ones now, and likely to be in the future). Not only are the villains stupid, but the actors playing them have no presence or gravitas.

Pathetic. Truly a sad end to the show.

Pat and Mike (1952)

Wow, did this age poorly!

[2/10 · 4 May 2024]

I don't care how brilliant the cast is. I don't care about their off-screen lives. I don't care how fabulous the director is. I don't care how many awards they have between them. This movie STUNK ON ICE!

Frankly, it was unwatchable. We gave up when Hepburn jumped off the train, since the movie had clearly jumped the shark.

The slapstick schtick "comedy" fell flatter than a penny left on a railroad track.

I didn't care about the characters in the slightest. No empathy for any of them. "Pat" was such a drip and a hysterical spaz that it was impossible to see where she was coming from--like the author didn't even know.

Maybe it got better, but after the first however-many-minutes, I felt like my head had been smashed repeatedly with a mallet for over an hour.

Columbo: Undercover (1994) Season 10, Episode 9

So bad that it's almost funny

[5/10 · 7 April 2024]

Like "No Time To Die," this was adapted from a novel about LA police's 87th precinct that was written in the 1970s. Translating that into 1990s television just didn't work for either episode, though this one was the better of the two.

This attempt to adapt a noir-style gritty-gumshoe treasure hunt ends up being accidentally funny in places.

Also, completely out of character for the Columbo series, someone mentions a 4-letter word for excrement.

The story is laughably bad, but Peter Falk manages to bring some dignity to an incredibly terrible story.

One of the Lego Video games by Traveler's Tales is also called "Undercover." In it, the character can be a civilian, a cop, a criminal, an astronaut, a farmer, a construction worker, or a fire-fighter. Somehow, that seems more plausible that Columbo going undercover in this story--especially since the cops keep shouting his name in public when they're at a crime scene.

The Gladiator (1986 TV Movie)

Made for TV/Direct to VHS fodder

[5/10 · 23 March 2024]

Ah, the 1980s, when Mullets ruled and hair bands screeched like howler monkeys, and Hollywood produced schlock like this as fast as movie cameras could roll.

To say this was made on the cheap is an understatement.

It's sort of a PSA for Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD).

We're missing half the story.

Who says that the baddie's car is called "The Skull Car?" It's not in the movie. That Skull Car attacks randomly? No, he just goes in for disproportionate revenge over petty actions (kinda like our "Hero" does). Is he insane? Well, maybe if the movie had bothered to give him even a single line of dialog, we might know that.

Instead we're just told that the black car driver is insane. Insane villains don't have motivations or back-stories.

1980s action heroes don't know the law about how citizen's arrests work.

Also, when are streets in LA ever that empty? Maybe in the 1920s?

The one thing that movies from the 1980s have that modern movies don't is that the cameras actually focus on the action (such as it is) so that you can see it clearly.

The end result is better than, say, any of the Halloween or Friday the 13th movies, but not by much.

The Indian Doctor: The Fete (2010) Season 1, Episode 5

What an incredible let-down

[5/10 · 18 March 2024]

The story doesn't end--it just stops. Nothing is really resolved.

This series had so much potential. The actors were amazing. The scenery was glorious. The writing was complete and utter CRAP! These supposedly life-changing decisions and revelations were handled with the same severity and intensity as a discussion about the weather.

And I'm sorry--no disrespect intended for the actor--but whoever chose the song to be sung by the village rock band did not do anyone any favors. The adaptation completely butchers it.

Honestly, watching this show was a sad, sad, sad experience that was depressing more than uplifting, engaging, or entertaining. Imagine if the money used to make this had instead been spent to make something good?

Columbo: No Time to Die (1992) Season 10, Episode 5

It's pretty bad

[4/10 · 14 March 2024]

I'm not going to rehash the usual complaints. I'm going to focus first on the one character most responsible for the problems: the "victim." This episode is based on a story written in the 70s, which means the author's view of women likely comes from the 1930s to 1950s. When the kidnapper first enters the room, why doesn't the woman scream for help? She was next to a closet full of clothes and potential weapons (coat hangers and shoes--not great, but those wedding high heals could have done some serious damage). She's smart enough to deal with rusty hinges, but dumb enough to drink water she should have known was drugged. She could have... thrown the water in his face and followed it up with smashing the glass into him. She could have used the lamp he brought into the room to keep him at bay. When she gets out of the room, she leaves the knife and fork behind--sure, they're in terrible shape, and no match for a scalpel, but better then nothing. She finds a kitchen. A pot, a pan, a knife the utility drawer with scissors and screw-drivers and what-not... Any of those could have helped. She could have taken one of the fake candles and stabbed it into his eye. She could have taken the small mirror off the wall and used it to deflect attacks. Hell, she could have knocked the guy's hand up, driving the scalpel into his own face. Instead she cowers and cringes, not because it is in character, but because the script requires it.

Now, the other down side to modernizing an old book is how dated the police work is. Remember, this was the same year that CSI had been running and NCIS was going. Police have these things called computers, and the internet was something than existed. A decent search of computer records (especially once they had a name) would have taken about three hours off the run time of the case. Also running around to the various dealerships to get pictures of the different types of vans--a few minutes on the internet would have a stack of print-outs. Sure, Columbo may not be proficient with computers, but /someone/ at the police station must have been.

One of the other plot points that really bothers me: How did the kidnapper get into the room in the first place? The door wasn't forced. Did he have a key? Did he pick the lock (Looked like the hotel was on card-key system, so that doesn't make sense)? Did he jam a piece of paper into the door to keep it from properly latching when the couple went in? What?

I have no problem with the set-up. I have no problem with this not being a murder case. I have no problem with Columbo leading a task force. The problem with the villain being nuts is that there's no real logic to his actions, which makes using logic to stop him a problem. (See the 4th and 5th basic laws of human stupidity.) Columbo does hold a gun, but his look of disgust at it after the finale is appropriate.

Hazbin Hotel (2019– )

Fine if you're 12 or a stoner

[3/10 · 9 March 2024]

While the opening narration was interesting, the show quickly devolves into "How Many Swears can we make these cute characters say?" I'm sure this is fine for the early adolescents or college age stoners, but I found it a pathetic waste of talent.

It could have been good, if it wasn't such a manic-paced mess.

I'm all in favor of calling out Yahweh Jealousy Jehovah on his hypocrisy--that could be a great idea for a series of cartoons. Oh wait, it was already done (and done extremely well) by the YouTube channel Darkmatter2525 with Gahwd and Jeffery (the cherub of logic and reason).

This just seems like a well animated, high production value, juvenile titillation show.

Forever (2014–2015)

Toothless "Forever Knight."

[7/10 · 7 March 2024]

This show has been done many, many times. Surprisingly, about 1/2 way through, the show goes from run-of-the-mill, almost formulaic, to actually finding its feet and becoming interesting. They even worked in a Highlander joke.

Unlike Forever Knight, this Doctor Morgan doesn't have a guilt complex to deal with, but is looking for his runaway wife, who got self conscious when she looked 70 and he still looked 30.

Most of the show is still the "Magic Elf paired up with a cop because the Elf can do things cops can't" style that seemed to be ruling the TV landscape. While Dr. Morgan has a lot of Sherlock Holmes style deduction sequences, unlike "Elementary," this show didn't really sink into the ludicrous levels of Soap Opera that Elementary did.

And the show has an ending. Sure, they could have made more, but they didn't have to.

Forever (I) (2018)

Pretentious twaddle

[1/10 · 7 March 2024]

I don't care how good the show got later, nothing was worth sitting through the first episode. I was ready to quick within 2 minutes, and wish I had, because nothing that followed was worth enduring the opening credit sequence of the first episode, much less anything that came after.

Who was this made for? Why was it made? What was the point? Who thought this was worth making? What imbecile green-lit this?

I still need to type another 191 characters to meet the minimal requirement. The time it takes for me to do so is more time than you should invest in this delusional, tedious, boring, pretentious, artsy-farsty opening episode.

Megalodon (2018 TV Movie)

An insult... or Jurassic Shark

[2/10 · 23 February 2024]

The Asylum: the studio you go to if you are desperate and have no shame, but don't have the skills to work in porn.

I am not a veteran. I did not serve in any armed forces. I am not an armchair soldier or wannabe.

That said, I am insulted by this movie's complete and utter lack of respect for both our intelligence and this depiction of the US military services.

This movie is a disgrace.

The movie doesn't bother to explain anything about what a Megalodon is, or... much of anything, actually. The movie is a non-sensical mess--or what we've all come to associate with The Asylum and SYFY channel. (Hey, remember when the Sci Fi channel actually tried to make interesting original material?)

KL24: Zombies (2017)

Asian flavored low-budget Shaun of the Dead

[7/10 · 12 February 2024]

Do you like seeing eccentric people being forced to deal with zombies in a way that brings out all their quirks? This movie may be for you.

This movie had no problem with making fun of different religious that make up Malaysia's population. Some people might see the scene where the sister-wives of the Muslim man are discussing their relationship now that he has married a 4th (much, much younger) woman as a waste of time, or a straw man argument, but the key factor is that this scene is absolutely realistic, and more importantly, it shows that these three actually like and care for each other, even though the only thing they really have in common is that they are married to the same odious male.

Lots of other zombie moving and video game cliche's abound.

If you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead, give this a try.

Raccoon Valley (2018 Video)

Idiotic

[2/10 · 12 February 2024]

The writer, director, musician, producer, vfx artist, and everything else he can smear his name on like a dog using feces to mark it's territory clearly has no understanding or experience with the tools and realities of deaf people. There would be about a dozen different accessibility tools in that house, especially for things like the Emergency Broadcast System.

Hell, the plane crashing would have sent a shockwave from the impact that she would have felt.

Are you seriously trying to tell me that not a single neighbor would have bothered to alert her to what was happening.

The power is out, but the alarms are still on?

Zombies are mindless, but still able to pick locks (and courteous enough to lock the hasp so that the lock doesn't get lost) as part of a trick to get the main character to open the house for them?

The woman knows (after over half an hour of watching her do mundane chores) that something is terribly wrong, gets to the blockade, and just turns around and goes home? How stupid is she?

A car is left running in the garage for three days and still hasn't run out of fuel? And it takes her five minutes to start choking on the carbon monoxide fumes?

I know this is an indi movie made for no budget. Maybe next time do some research and work on the script so that you produce something actually worth our time to watch?

The Indian Doctor (2010–2013)

I wish I liked it more. This could be any soap opera, anywhere.

[6/10 · 6 February 2024]

I really wish I could like this show more, but it suffers from one critical problem: it is generic, and the writing is hackneyed and often stupid. What do I mean by that? "What? Working in a coal mine causes emphazima and lung cancer? Who knew?" Well, they knew about that in the 1880s, so a show set in the 1960s making this sound like a big reveal is a bit idiotic. We have the typical relationship drama of the unhappy marriage between the mine manager and his wife, straight out of the relationship therapy book. We have the locals not trusting the new Doctor straight out of any period drama.

The only times that this show shines is when they touch on the universal aspects of being human, no matter where you are from, and the times that they explore the quirks of culture between India and Wales. THAT is where the show should have placed its emphasis. That is what the show should have focused on.

As for the Big Mystery of the dead doctor's diaries... I'm bored with that story line by episode 3. The idea that there's more than one season/series worth of material in this show, as presented in the first season, baffles me.

The Orville: Future Unknown (2022) Season 3, Episode 10

Too little, too late

[5/10 · 5 February 2024]

This is the closest that season 3 comes to being The Orville of seasons 1&2. The closest, but not close enough. Like all the other episodes, it is poorly paced, and lacking anything like genuine emotion. I honestly don't care about anything that happens here.

Once again, rather than exploring and discovering something new, the show revisits a place they've already been, talks to someone they've already talked to, and... a great big nothing happens.

I am still upset about the wasted archeology storyline. Imagine if, instead of just being a CGI effect, the crew had actually explored the ruins and found, say, a Temple of Avis? What's more, the DNA replicator produced an image that looked like the statue of Avis? Now the Union has to decide what to do. Imagine calling up the Krill and saying "Um, hi. Yeah. We found this place on a world in our territory. Here's everything we found. We're a little freaked out. So much so that we're just going to cede this planet to you to explore. If we find anything like this anywhere else, we'll let you know." Then you have the conflict between the archeologists and the religious fanatics about what to do. That, to me, would have been a lot more interesting than... well, anything we actually got in season 3.

Clearly, the show is lost.

I've watched season 3 once. I never will again.

The Orville: Electric Sheep (2022) Season 3, Episode 1

Season 3: Where's the fun?

[6/10 · 2 February 2024]

So, a 2 hour pilot for the "New Horizons" I get. New studio. New working conditions. I get it. The ship has just been over-haulled, so new CGI models. Fine. I get it. They're basically relaunching the show.

That said, where's the fun?

The show started with (to me) a bit too much potty humor in season 1, and a bit too much sit-com, but it quickly found it's feet, and by the 3rd or 4th episode, I was hooked for the ride.

Season 3 has variable episode lengths (2 hours, 57 minutes, hour and 15 minutes), uneven writing, and very poor pacing. Hell, this pilot episode makes Star Trek the Motion Picture seem like a masterclass in good editing/pacing.

The characters may have the same names, and be played by the same people, but they are nothing like who they were, and neither is the show.

During various episodes, I keep wondering why the ship has those huge hallways when no one is ever in them. Well, after the Kaylon battle, maybe they were strapped for personnel, so all the ships are under-staffed? That would be the only reason I can see why someone who hates Kalons would be assigned to the only ship with a Kaylon serving on it.

Too much of this season feels like it should be a different show entirely. Hopefully the second half will bring back the charm that made the first 2 years work so well.

The Orville: A Tale of Two Topas (2022) Season 3, Episode 5

Where's the fun?

[6/10 · 2 February 2024]

I think this could have been handled way better, if Topas' state of mind had been the B story for a couple of episodes, and then had an episode about the transition. The previous times that Moclan society has been explored, there was humor and fun: Dolly Parton singing "9 to 5" becoming a national anthem, Commander Grayson making fun of their attitude toward women, etc. There is no fun here. Not even a single comedy moment in the entire season so far.

The archeology story isn't even a B story--it's a throw away line.

I get why the writers did what they did, but I think they could have done better.

Adam's Rib (1949)

Intelligent feminism before the age of HollyWoke

[9/10 · 30 January 2024]

Why couldn't this film be made today? Aside from having to exhume and somehow reanimate the actors, this film actually argues intelligently without belittling either sex. If it were made today, the husbands and all male cast members would have to be emasculated by their superior females--females who were at least twice as competent as their male counterparts.

This is a comedy that deals with many serious issues besides feminism in a humorous and silly manner, without descending into slapstick.

Barely after WWII, many men had trouble dealing with the fact that women had been building their planes, tanks, battleships, and guns just fine without them, and had come to enjoy having careers beyond school teacher, secretary, or nurse. The disproportionate numbers of available women to men also allowed for some very caddish behavior by men.

In spite of their arguments, it is clear that both characters still love each other, and respect each other--something no HollyWoke movie would ever be able to tolerate, much less accomplish.

Oliver! (1968)

Without the rose-tinted spectacles

[4/10 · 8 January 2024]

Here's the thing: Oliver Twist was an expose' and indictment of the Workhouses, the obscene luxury of the wealthy vs the common person, and Victorian London in general--rather like Swift's "Modest Proposal." The musical strips away 90% of the message. Oliver is a MacGuffin--rather than being a character of any kind, he's more of a possession passed around and traded (even sold) between people. The actor playing Fagin deliberately decided to change the character, robbing him of the petty viciousness that made Fagin who he was. Arguably that was a very racist depiction, but it was part and parcel of the story. By stripping away the filth in order to make the lavish and glorious musical, they gutted the core meaning of the story.

Whose story is this, anyway? Not Oliver's--he's just a child. Not Fagin's--he doesn't change and isn't involved in the central conflict, in spite of having most of the songs and lines. Not Dodger's--he's barely involved at all. Not Sikes'--he's the "villain," a brute and bully. Not Nancy's==while she is arguably the hero of the piece, most of the action doesn't involve her, and she's in less than 1/2 of the movie.

In all, for a record-breaking movie with so many nominations, it is hardly the timeless wonder that most seen to ascribe to it. While technical aspects were indeed praiseworthy, I would hardly call this one of the best movies of all time.

Dirty Work (1998)

Could have been brilliant

[3/10 · 1 January 2024]

The sad thing is that the premise for the movie has all kinds of promise, but completely and utterly fails to live up to the potential. "Fight Club" had a far better grasp on the kind of antics that should have been in this movie.

We never really get to see the real consequences of their revenge antics. Anything that comes close is turned into (yet) another lame joke.

Norm MacDonald displays absolutely no talent whatsoever. I spent the entire movie wondering why is he the star? Artie Lang was utterly wasted and by far the more talented of the two.

This could have been a near-GhostBusters level of comedy movie, but instead was just another SNL alum failure.

Is This a Joke? (2011)

Oh, such an appropriate title

[2/10 · 23 December 2023]

You know, even back in 2011, amateur and independent film makers were able to make some fairly sophisticated movies on minimal budget with cheap cameras and share-ware editing. So, what's this movie's excuse? I was involved with fan films and community-access TV shows back in the 1990s that were way better filmed, acted, and directed than this.

On top of that... Yeah, as a teen, I read tons of bad joke books, including 6 volumes of "Truly Tasteless Jokes." Just about any of them were better and funnier than these.

I'll cut a lot of slack for an independent project, but how the smegging bloody hell did this end up being promoted on Amazon? Did someone's idiot cousin need a SAG card?

Bull: Security Fraud (2019) Season 3, Episode 15

Well, goodbye to this show

[3/10 · 18 December 2023]

Remember when this show was about the behind-the-scenes work of preparing witnesses, setting the right look for the defendants, picking "the narrative" to use, and all the other things that go into setting up a trial?

This show doesn't. In this entire 3rd season, they barely spend more than 2 minutes on jury selection. Honestly, most of these cases don't require "Trial Science" so much as a half-way competent lawyer and a team of good private investigators. Most of the cases have been bloody smegging obvious from the first 5 minutes.

Instead of the show we started with, we have a mindless soap-opera that is only slightly more sophisticated than Perry Mason (sometimes not even that good). Surprise witnesses, improper introduction of evidence, and all the hackneyed cliches of gutter-end legal writing.

One key area where logic disappears from the show is that no one seems to want to get out of jury duty. If someone gets excused for answering a weird question in a certain way, you can damned well bet that a whole bunch of other people are going to try to find a way to work that very same angle to get out of Jury Duty. But in this show... NO, everyone loves the attention and wants to be on a jury. Yeah, Right!

This episode was my breaking point. I thought after the last of the 6 terrible soap episodes, the show might get better again. It hasn't. I gave it a fair shot.

Bull: The Necklace (2016) Season 1, Episode 1

Off to a good start

[6/10 · 18 December 2023]

The pilot is usually the weakest and worst episode of a show. If that's the case here, this show should be interesting and compelling. I didn't figure out until after several episodes that the show was "based" on THAT Dr. Phil. Thank goodness they cast Michael Weatherly, someone with actual charisma and decent looks. The rest of the cast is an interesting mix without being blatant about including someone from each major minority (something current Hollywood could take a lesson in--subtlety.) While some of the cases seem "Ripped from the Headlines," some seem original. It looks like this show may be worth watching--at least until someone finds a way to screw it up (but what are the chances of that happening?).

Lie to Me (2009–2011)

I actually enjoyed this one.

[8/10 · 25 November 2023]

It is so rare that I get to say this, but I actually enjoyed this show. Yes, the lie-detector powers are cranked up to Jedi-level, but somehow the characters remain human without being total #$%*s. What baffles me somewhat is the legal ramifications--it's not like these people are police or lawyers, so they can't compel testimony, so... why do people even talk to them? This is actually a point in some episodes. And interestingly, sometimes hiring this team backfires on the clients, and it's their secrets or crimes that get revealed.

Given the level of intelligence and the quality of writing, it amazes me that this show survived on FOX for as long as it did.

Armed Response (2017)

Uwe Boll would be embarrassed to have his name on this!

[2/10 · 21 November 2023]

So, I'm guessing someone's idiot cousin wanted a SAG card, and that cousin decided to be a script writer.

The AI doesn't need a computer linkage of any kind, or indeed for a computer to be connected to it, in order for the AI to turn on the ignition of a vehicle (without the keys) and to drop it into gear.

Yeah, that's the quality of the writing--about on par with the "Paranormal Investigation" crap that's on TV.

Honestly, I was thinking that this was a movie adaptation of a crap video game. But it turns out... nope.

The writing... the directing... Uwe Boll would be embarrassed to be involved with this.

Big Ass Spider! (2013)

Dumb remake

[6/10 · 21 November 2023]

In 1990, movie audiences were given the treat of "Arachnophobia," a clever, plausible, entertaining, and suspenseful movie about deadly spiders arriving in California, and the havoc they cause as they start feeding on humans. It was charming, witty, clever and warm, with sympathetic characters.

This movie is an utterly idiotic remake, with none of the cleverness, charisma, or... much of anything else aside from humor based on racial stereotypes. The characters are cardboard cutouts without anything to make them in any way interesting. The dialog is lame. The effects are... about why I'd expect from the SYFY channel (which is to say, only a couple of steps above Asylum Pictures). And honestly, I can't say anything about it to recommend the movie. On Amazon, it's listed as "Biggest Spider"--a censorship that actually makes no sense whatsoever.

Watch this only if you want something utterly brainless.

Watch Arachnophobia if you want an actually good movie.