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LOL (2012)
1/10
I've got a Juno poster in my room. There! I'm smart now.
24 April 2012
In the movie, LOL, the character, Lola, has a poster for the smash-hit, Juno, hanging in her bedroom. I know, I know. Analyzing a detail as small as this might sound nitpicky but just hear me out.

Juno was a movie about a teenager who addressed the people she loved and the people she had problems with, in person. Juno revealed an ultrasound picture of her baby to its future adoptive parents, in person. She laid out an entire living room set on Paulie Bleeker's front lawn, to tell him she was pregnant, in person. The reason its main character maintained quick-witted comebacks and came up with ironic allegories, at the drop of a hat, was because of her characteristic of going out and exploring new things. That movie was so refreshing because it took place in a world in which teenagers didn't constantly have the glow of a cell phone screen, reflecting off of their faces. In fact, there was only one part in the film involving a phone conversation between two people...and both sides had their phones plugged into a jack!

So why does LOL's mentioning of such a great movie bother me? Because its own message contradicts Diablo Cody's vision and her faith in teenagers. Cody believed in a world in which adolescents might actually look up from their gadgets, turn to each other and like, talk. Hell, there actually is a scene from Wall-E, in which two morbidly obese men favor looking at monitors with video feed each other, when they're in floating chairs, side by side. Juno spits in the face of such technological dependence.

LOL, on the other hand, condones the non-stop usage of iPods, Twitter and other sites of the moment. Its lead characters are so reliant of online social networks, where every sentence is simplified and shortened, that once they finally log off, they use phrases like "it's good to love someone so much it hurts." A line like that wouldn't even make it into Juno's deleted scenes section on the DVD. LOL celebrates the idea of kids, hunching their heads over a five by three inch screen all day long, as the rest of the world passes them by. Don't get me wrong - I'm well aware that there actually are teenagers in the world who are this overly consumed. With it being near impossible to find a person between the ages of 18 and 29 NOT on a phone within a three hour period of time, writer and director, Lisa Azuelos, isn't exactly making up fiction here. But to try to portray these hypnotized kids as deep thinking and complex is wrong. How could they have the drive to reflect on who they are when they don't even put effort into typing out full words into text messages? Like I said, it's fine for characters like these to exist because there are real world people like this. But don't try dragging another film down to your level when it boasts unexplained emotions, open for interpretation while your own best moment of self-reflection consists of the line "Every year, it's weird going back to school but here we are, just going with the flow". Oo-hoo-hoo, look out, Hemingway.
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Marmaduke (2010)
1/10
As criminally misunderstood a thing Dey has ever captured on film
7 August 2010
When I heard 20th Century Fox would be adapting the fifty-year old classic comic strip, Marmaduke, to the big screen I was gleefully entranced in an uninterrupted state of anticipation. We're talking about the same studio that flawlessly reconstructed the dated Garfield and SO last decade Alvin & the Chipmunks to fit into this fresher generation of modernized teen lingo, consistent pop culture references and omitting an occasional bodily humor gag every now and then (every two minutes can be considered occasional, right?). I'm happy to say that this is a worthy new addition to the gang that I go as far as to hold on par with Mike Myer's glorious Cat in the Hat.

First of all you have to appreciate the man who helmed it all, Tom Dey, for establishing a brave new look towards the characteristics of a beloved cartoon canine. All he really had to pick was a flashier setting, increase the obliviousness of his human companions, maybe add the most hip pop songs on Billboard's Top 100 during a montage, OH…he also may have also added more ignorance to his personality. But that's okay; out of all the things they could have forgotten I'm grateful they've maintained the premise of destructive, slapstick-reliant Great Dane. Once I saw that pack of computer-animated dogs dancing in unison to "What I Like About You", I realized this would be the most criminally misunderstood thing Dey had ever captured on film since Terry Bradshaw's rear end.

Major kudos also goes out Owen Wilson for FINALLY picking a well-meaning dog movie this time around. Marley and Me was idiotically under the impression you could show the shenanigans of a household pet every once in a while, but spend the rest of the time observing serious consequences and responsibilities of owning him. What were they thinking?!?! Kids shouldn't worry about all that – their parents should! Children should be aware that it's okay for a dog to run around wet after a bath, violently flip over masters and succumb to peer pressure for the sake of holding a party. Your mom will take care of it, little guy…until then, point and laugh!!! Not only does Wilson pick a better dog movie this time around, but also voice character too. What America was thinking in making Cars a $200 million hit, I shall never comprehend. It took an admirable, heroic lead who knew his place in society and had his mind twisted around into thinking losing is excusable. Un-be-lievable! Marmaduke on the other hand gives some strategical tips to the youth of our ages to fit in: if your household canine can't squeeze into anybody's $700 Gucci purse, than you should deny all existence of the one you actually own until he does something cool like surfing. You'll never live up to be the next Paris Hilton with that overly strong a backbone, sweety.

Marmaduke didn't get the strong box office performance or glowing reviews it deserved. Hopefully it has a better shelf life when it comes to DVD this August. That's right…August. How cool are these producers for putting it from the big screen to TV within a three month period? Really cool, I know. Just goes to show that if movies are as good as the time it takes them to get to stores, than I'd be embarrassed to be attached to Monsters Inc and it's 10 month gap.
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The Last Song (2010)
1/10
Miley's most honest display of human emotion since deleting her Twitter account.
30 March 2010
Most writers would sell out by repeatedly writing screenplays that are vastly different from one another. Take Christopher Nolan for example; going from a psychological thriller where the storyline is paced backwards to an Oscar-winning blockbuster in which a world renowned superhero faces off his arch nemesis. Talk about a lack of consistency. A true writer gracefully keeps revisiting the same story over and over and OVER again and a great example for that kind of writer is Nicholas Sparks.

If recycling is healthy for our environment, it has to be with movies too, right? Never before has this man forgotten to add a romantic scene at the beach of an Eastern Seaboard sunset where two lovers mutely stare at one another. And who else can gorgeously stir up a tear-inducing ending as much as he? Forget 500 Days of Summer trying to explore the complexities of falling in love with a Hall and Oates dance sequence and an Expectations vs. Reality analysis. Instead he always remembers to kill off a protagonist at the end. M. Night Shyamalan calls HIMSELF the master of unpredictable twists? Puh-lease! Mr. Sparks's death sequences are so surprising, that you could almost say they're completely unrelated to the genre that the previous two hours were aiming to be.

And when a movie like Precious thinks its portrayal of a teenage girl in emotional turmoil is accurate, it's alarmingly mistaken. There, the leading lady is impregnated by her own dad, sadistically beaten down by her mother, all while dealing with obesity and illiteracy on a daily basis. Ha! Like THAT happens in real life. It's really the Last Song's Ronnie who deserves our sympathy. I mean, she has to spend the entire summer in an intimidatingly adorable Georgia beach house, embrace the pressure of getting accepted into one of the country's most respected art schools and endure the creepy smile of her overly kind father. Now that's plausible drama – I only wish I had the guts to sullenly disregard MY dad whenever he greets me with genuine concern. This vision of teen angst fantastically brought to life by none other than Miley Cyrus.

Now there are those jealous haters out there, determined to bring her acting career down. But they don't understand the effort it takes from a performer to purse your lips and cross your arms for 90% of a film. Like me and my fellow Miley fans said – she's just playing herself. It's really those hacks like Johnny Depp and Meryl Streep who are destroying everything classic cinema stood for. Who do they think they are to disappear into the heart and soul of characters they don't relate to or resemble in reality? When I'm watching a character on screen, I want to see the actor playing them. That's what made the most recent, Valentine's Day, so brilliant was that I could watch Jessica Alba being Jessica Alba the whole time yet grow blissfully unaware to her character's traits, abilities...heck, I couldn't even remember her name.

And mad props go out to Greg Kinnear in the role of a lifetime as the "antagonistic" father. A previous family drama of his called Little Miss Sunshine featured too much family and like…drama. It acted like each member had their own ambition and obstacle to deal with at the same time. What a load! This movie knows better, rather by making every other character's problems bow down to Ronnie's. In the Last Song, he delivers this performance, deserving the praise that Mo'Nique received playing Mary Jones. Never mind the fact Ronnie frequently shoplifts and snubs Julliard just to make a point. It's really him who's to blame for everything. How dare you fall out of love and pursue a career that makes you happy, only to have the audacity to want to mend the wounds of your broken hearted family? I rooted throughout for Ronnie as she continuously tried to reconstruct the layers of guilt and avoidance upon his shoulders. That leads me to my one grievance of this movie; a rebellious teenage girl visiting her estranged dad and blames one of her separated parents for breaking the family apart. Really Nick? That's all just too unfamiliar of a premise for me. At best, the closest Ronnie ever came to resembling a character from one of your previous features was Diane Keaton's daughter from Nights in Rodanthe (pauses) Ohhh!
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Rush Hour 3 (2007)
3/10
"Rush" has never felt so slow
16 August 2007
Warning: Spoilers
What we have here is a sequel of two action-comedy blockbusters and let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. Unfortunately, even though Brett Ratner had six years to direct a Rush Hour 3 it seems as if he didn't use his time wisely. Rush Hour 3 isn't necessarily a horrible film, its just void of belly laughs to make up for the disappointment in the weak action, story and chemistry. WARNING: Best jokes are used up in the trailer. The rest of the jokes have been used in other films or they're just not funny. Its hard to even tell when I was supposed to giggle.

Carter and Lee try to solve a case in which a famous ambassador is shot in the chest the moment he is giving a ceremonial speech. Even though the ambassador is guaranteed to live, his daughter makes Carter and Lee make a promise that they will catch this criminal who put the ambassador in harm's way. After that it sort of just lost me. But I didn't care, I mean come on this is Rush Hour. I came here for the comedy right? Well it turns out that there's a bunch of twist and turns and rituals and mysteries that almost seemed like a supporting genre of the film.

The relationship between Lee and his brother is tremendously frustrating. Mainly because his brother is an evil, foolish murderer and yet Lee can't accept the fact that killing him would make the future convenient. Throughout the film Lee hesitates to kill him which I know you'll grow tired of as well. But that's not Jackie's only problem. 99% of the film he looks miserable. What happened to the Lee that made an idiot of himself that we saw having a good time yet had the time to perform kick-ass action? Speaking of action scenes, the karate he uses is much more milder and instead of using his fists and legs he's always trying to defend himself with an object and running away instead of going after. Carter is more obnoxious than funny in this film. Just yelling and screaming words but the truth is that just because you amplify your voice doesn't make something funny. There's some plot in here that almost made me feel like I was watching Rush Hour 2 again cause we had that moment where Carter and Lee got mad at each other and become friends again, where they judge each other by race and the finale where they fly to the ground from a skyscraper with enemies firing at them. The action sequences aren't anything special, story hard to follow and comedy not in the league of the first two Rush Hours. Overall Rush Hour 3 is worthy of a rental. Nothing is worth while on the big screen though. I think people planning to see this would have a much more promising time at Stardust or Superbad.
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