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Reviews
Poseidon Rex (2013)
A delightful lack of Sharks
As a big fan of B Movies, I've seen my fair share of films about marine based dinosaurs, normally their shoehorned into being about the Loch Ness Monster, but the crew of Poseidon Rex blew most of their budget on a more exotic location, so this time we're off to Belize for our prehistoric nonsense.
The plot, following a thoroughly uncharismatic swashbuckling rogue of a treasure hunter (played by Brian Krause. I've no idea what I've seen Brian Krause in before, but his appearance prompted me to blurt out "oh **** off not him again") who manages to accidentally free a hitherto unknown prehistoric predator while searching for Mayan gold. He finds himself teaming up with the Coast Guard, a busty marine biologist, 2 holidaymakers and their diving instructor to put an end to the menace before it destroys Belize.
It's largely by the numbers stuff, with the only real surprise being how brutal it is with some of the main cast's mortality. We've got a villainous human more concerned by chasing Jax for his gold than the fact there's a bloody great man eating dinosaur tramping about behind him, the race against time as the military threaten overly aggressive action and the stock 'shock' ending that anyone with an ounce of self-awareness will see coming, but it's really not all that bad. I mean it's stupid (the P-Rex apparently has a mean pair of stilts to let it stand at full height over a boat in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN) the CGI is pants and the acting is average at best, but it has a certain honest charm to it. It knows what it is and doesn't try to do anything smart.
I'd be lying if I said I ever wanted to see Poseidon Rex again, or will even really think about it the minute after I hit 'Submit' on this, but the fact it knows its place as a film about a bloody great dinosaur attacking a secluded community, yet doesn't degenerate into a horrible semi-parody that winks at the audience in a "we know this sucks, but isn't it funny?" way like the 300 Shark-variation films on the market right now really endears it to me. If you like B Movie nonsense, there are worse ways to spend a night, but at the same time you probably would be better off digging out Godzilla or The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.
Bloodfist V: Human Target (1994)
Superior Low Budget Action Movie
Given the nature of the Bloodfist series, it's easy to write them off before even reading the blurb on the back of the box, however, doing so with the fifth entry into this 'series' would be a big mistake for fans of action flicks.
Now, apart from the first two, all of the Bloodfist movies have nothing to do with one another, asides the presence of C-Grade action star Don 'The Dragon' Wilson. While this makes you wonder why they even bother calling the movies Bloodfist, it also means, on the plus side, that this has nothing to do with the 4, rather lame, movies that preceded it.
Here Wilson stars as a man who wakes up from a near fatal shooting, suffering from amnesia, when a hooker named Candy pretends to be his wife and checks him out of hospital. It then becomes clear that whoever he is, he is a wanted man, as Chinese black market goons and NSA agents are all pursuing him, in a plot involving some 'lost' plutonium missile cores.
Giving away much of the plot would be a damn shame, because this is easily one of the best written Direct-to-video action movies I've ever seen, and it's finally a flick Wilson can be proud of. He gets several chances to display his kick-boxing prowess, and the late Steve James shows up in a different, but well performed role.
If you like low budget action movies, I would greatly recommend giving this a chance, it may well be Wilson's best movie, and it's got a more exciting plot than most recent Hollywood attempts at an action flick.
The Vindicator (1986)
Decent pre-Robocop Robocop Rip-off
Going into this movie, I was expecting a Robocop rip-off, what I got was a fairly entertaining Robocop rip-off that also reminded me of Darkman and The Guyver in equal amounts. Imagine my surprise then, to learn that this fairly obscure little movie actually predates all of those films by a good few years, and the only films that are blatant influences on it are The Terminator and Frankenstein.
A brilliant Scientist is killed by his boss to be recreated as an invulnerable Cyborg who will obey his every command. However, when the control chip for him is detached, he escapes, visiting his mourning wife, while being hunted by a Bounty Hunter(played by Pam Grier) and the company's scientists and hired muscle, before he decides to put an end to their schemes.
It's not brilliant, and all of the aforementioned movies, barring maybe the first Guyver, are better than it, but that doesn't mean it's not a fairly good B-grade Sci-Fi movie that never bored or failed to entertain me. The effects, done by Stan Winston, are actually pretty good, although the Cyborg's design could have been better, it's actual creation is excellent. Acting in the movie is fairly divided, with the main players all doing very well, but the supporting cast are pretty dreadful.
Worth watching to see a sort of Pre-Robocop Robocop.
Gangland (2001)
Easily one of the worst movies ever
Being a bit of a fan of Sasha Mitchell, I was overjoyed to pick this up for as little as £1. Shame it turned out to be £20 too much.
The plot of the movie is basically a really watered down version of Jean Claude Van Damme's Cyborg, about a post-nuke world where three heroes, Mitchell, Costas Mandylor(of Fist of the North Star fame) and a woman I've never heard of called Kathleen Kinmont actually fight Fender from Cyborg, now called Lucifer, but played by the same actor in a worse costume. Lucifer's little brother is the dorkiest attempt at a villain ever, and the movie is quite frankly a nightmare, with the only things redeeming it for me being the fact that Sasha still works, and that future Terminatrix Kristanna Loken has a small role(far too small).
The action is dull, the characters dumb, and the story rehashed from a hardly classic 80s Van Damme vehicle, the worst of it is, the movie has the cheek to not even do this in a funny way, it's just plain crap. Avoid this, and any other movies directed by Art Camacho.
The Master Demon (1991)
Diabolical
An absolute waste of time for everyone involved(or should that be implicated), disgracefully boring, terrible in terms of plot, with characters being introduced, not even given a name, and not going anywhere, chubby cops doing Kung Fu, hilarious dialog ("I'm a private dick") and the worst sin of all, uninspiring fights.
The worst of it is, Eric Lee can actually be quite amusing, see his supporting roles in the first two 'Ring of Fire' movies, but here he proves that a leading man he is not, Gerald Okamura, one of these guys who seems to be a henchman in every martial arts film ever, is wasted as the titular villain with bad makeup.
The story concerns some nonsense about a warrior fighting the master demon, being killed, but not before he cuts off the demon's hand and takes it to a temple where it is stowed away, until the box containing it is displayed at a museum, only to be stolen by Art Camacho(one of the worst directors in the history of history) and all hell breaks loose, with the warrior(possibly reincarnated, it never really says) recruiting the aforementioned chubby cop and 'Private Dick' to help him save the Earth, or space or something, the plot, if you want to call it that, isn't exactly good, or even competent.
A boring, poorly made pile of pish that nobody in their right mind wants to watch.
Project Vampire (1993)
Diabolical
Bought for £1, Project Vampire is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Wooden acting,lame effects and a terrible storyline all add up to be a movie you have no reason to even want to see. PV is one of those movies that don't even have the good grace to be bad in an enjoyable way, instead this bile seems to try to make itself as offensively dull,stupid and crap as humanly possible.
A vampire has created a serum he sells to old people as a life-enhancer, and those who take it fall under his control. A former lab intern teams up with a nurse to try and stop him. Someone should have stopped the makers of this rubbish.
No one has any reason to see this movie, and I am actually appalled at the human race on the grounds that at time of writing 2 people have given this atrocity 10 out of 10.
With Friends Like These... (1991)
With crap like this...
Its hard to decide where to begin.I bought this for a few quid and its the worst few quid Iv ever wasted. The back of the DVD had no pictures and a few lines plot summary, this should have warned me, but I usually like bad movies for a laugh so decided to give it a go. The movie is made up of three short stories,each revolving around someone who was on a particular bus at one point.(its never made clear what the significance of the bus is, or what city its set in)
POSSIBLE SPOILERS(as if there is anything to be spoiled) The first story is about a man who is persuaded, by a car, to purcahse it, against his wife's wishes.The car is sort of like a demonic Brum and takes over his life.
The second is about a slob of a man who never cleans his fridge and a monster bacteria man grows out of it.
The third about a woman who goes to a dating agency, only to discover her date isnt all that normal.
Inbetween these, we are treated to shots of the bus(or A bus anyway) while a narrator whittles on a load of garbage about relationships(really,its like he is on commission for saying 'relationships')
The movie actually has no redeeming features whatsoever.The acting, the costumes and the little Spfx are all disgusting.There arent even any attractive female cast members to admire.Simply put, this movie is a debacle.