rubbertreeant Reviews

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures (2008)

Please See This Movie

[2 October 2011]

Top 3 Reasons to Watch the Documentary A Complete History of My Sexual Failures.

1. The Plot. So Chris Waitt is an attractive, intelligent Englishman who can't figure out why his girlfriend's keep dumping him. So he decides to take a video camera and delve into his past relationships to find out why. What ensues is a hilariously tragic, painful, embarrassing affirmation of the fact that most of us never ask our friends, family and exes "what's wrong with me" because we really don't want to know the answer. This guy had the cojones to ask the question and he spends the rest of the movie getting kicked in them as all his delusions of grandeur are picked apart by various exes and one blind date.

2. The embarrassment. Oh, it's unending: the self-deprication, the shame...oh the shame. Embarrassment is now my new favorite genre of movie. It's funny because it's not happening to you, and extra funny because it could be. Boy memory is cruel. Self esteem and forgetfulness gloss a lot of things over. But some people really, really hate you. You get the feeling that if brains did a better job of remembering those hundreds of painful, embarrassing moments then Chris would not have put forth so much effort to unearth them. And I would have missed out on an opportunity to laugh until I cried.

3. The realities. He hears what every one of his ex-girlfriends has to say about him and it isn't good. He finds out what a blind date has to say about him. It isn't good. He gets a medical evaluation of himself. It really, really isn't good. And all of it is hilariously terrible and comically timed. Please, please watch this movie.

My favorite quotes: "Chris: I was just trying to be myself. Mary: Next time be somebody else."; "I seem to have put her off an entire race of men. Maybe this is a bigger problem than I thought."

Scoop (2006)

Thumbs Down

[2 October 2011]

Top 3 Reasons Not to See Flakes

1: Zooey Deschanel. She plays a terribly dressed, self-absorbed ditzy hipster named Miss Pussy Katz who runs around saying things like "you can't nurture your soul and accumulate at the same time" and ruins everyone's lives with her self-righteous drivel. For the first time, Zooey Deschanel loses that endearing balance between obnoxious and endearing and goes full on obnoxious. Don't watch it unless you're willing to run the risk of hating Zooey Deschanel forever.

2: The plot. A guy (Aaron Stanford) works at a cereal bar (it's just what it sounds like). Another guy opens a less dirty version of the cereal store across the street. They call each other names for 45 minutes, then hand out a bunch of flyers and make DIY t-shirts. Then the movie is over. Seriously. That was the whole movie. It grossed a whopping $311 dollars in its opening week.

3: Hipsters. There is nothing more obnoxious than listening to a bunch of post-teens waxing self righteous the "best" years of Cap'n Crunch and the bouquet and mouth feel of Fruity Pebbles like baby wine snobs. Except when they eventually switch topics to rip on "suits" and "consumerism". The dialogue does its best to remind us why we hate hipsters in the first place: because they're really just hateful little future conservatives dabbling in corporate sponsored "counter culture"...it's like Urban Outfitters started making people.

Flakes (2007)

Thumbs Down

[2 October 2011]

Top 3 Reasons Not to See Flakes

1: Zooey Deschanel. She plays a terribly dressed, self-absorbed ditzy hipster named Miss Pussy Katz who runs around saying things like "you can't nurture your soul and accumulate at the same time" and ruins everyone's lives with her self-righteous drivel. For the first time, Zooey Deschanel loses that endearing balance between obnoxious and endearing and goes full on obnoxious. Don't watch it unless you're willing to run the risk of hating Zooey Deschanel forever.

2: The plot. A guy (Aaron Stanford) works at a cereal bar (it's just what it sounds like). Another guy opens a less dirty version of the cereal store across the street. They call each other names for 45 minutes, then hand out a bunch of flyers and make DIY t-shirts. Then the movie is over. Seriously. That was the whole movie. It grossed a whopping $311 dollars in its opening week.

3: Hipsters. There is nothing more obnoxious than listening to a bunch of post-teens waxing self righteous the "best" years of Cap'n Crunch and the bouquet and mouth feel of Fruity Pebbles like baby wine snobs. Except when they eventually switch topics to rip on "suits" and "consumerism". The dialogue does its best to remind us why we hate hipsters in the first place: because they're really just hateful little future conservatives dabbling in corporate sponsored "counter culture"...it's like Urban Outfitters started making people.