stwmby Reviews

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Nice ending, shame about the film

[7/10 · 30 May 2022]

Interesting premise, ruined by unimaginative and stodgy execution which relies too heavily on jump scares.

The ending is refreshingly macabre though, which brings it up a few notches on the imdbometer score thing.

Dr. Who and the Daleks (1965)

Classic Pre Politically Correct Dr Who

[10/10 · 16 May 2022]

Does it have rickety sets? Of course Does it have a ridiculous storyline? Absolutely!

Is it as a camp as a row of tents? Most definitely!!

Is it wonderfully nostalgic amd a whole load of fun? Definitely!!!!

Election (1999)

Just Wrong

[1/10 · 6 March 2022]

Within the first twenty minutes a relationship between a male adult shoolteacher and a schoolgirl is shown.

Sorry but I don't find paedophilia acceptable, no matter what the context.

I switched off and found something else.

Little Joe (2019)

You Are The Weakest Link

[5/10 · 24 February 2022]

Anne Robinson meets the Little Shop of Horrors in a painfully slow, poorly disguised version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Predictable, dull, illogical, unimaginative, and with a plot containing more holes than a monks collander

Thanks but no thanks.

Jeff Lynne's ELO: Wembley or Bust (2017)

DullELO

[4/10 · 27 August 2021]

The whole point of a gig is the music.

We'll that's obvious: but what makes that gig special is the interaction, the connection, the meeting of performer(s) and audience.

Within this concert there is practically zero communication between Jeff and the audience, other than the occasional thank you.

Theres no rocking out, no going off grid off road off piste, and certainly not off key

And there's the pity - it's the human aspect of a gig that makes the performance memorable - warts n all makes it what it is: a moment captured in time in the company of your hero

I went to the first Madstock in Finsbury Park, back in '92. Madness were so professional it was like 30,000 or so people listening to a huge record player.

Boring

This Wembley Stadium gig (so often the venue for plastic performances) is so note perfect, so in tune, so happy smiley, yet also so lacking in warmth, charisma, or anything even approaching soul it just hurts. These songs are so good, and are so much a part of the wallpaper of my childhood it saddens me to see them reduced to muzak karaoke singlalonga mush.

And as for dear ole Jeff..

We'll let's have a stop and a think huh

He looks EXACTLY the same in this film as he did in around 1977

And 1987

And even 1997

And so on..

"curiouser and curiouser, said Alice"

Or, in other words, Mr Lynn's musical performance is just about as lacking in credibility as his hair

Poor.

Yesterday (III) (2019)

A mess

[1/10 · 10 July 2021]

Unfunny, poorly written ill-thought out and ridiculous plot. The characters are almost universally miscast, a vanity appearance by Ed sheeran, demonstrating that his acting is about as good as his songwriting.

But the biggest crime of all is to take the greatest rock music ever written and somehow contrive to make it sound ordinary.

There are absolutely no redeeming features in this unholy piece of crap.

Utter rubbish.

Black Ops (II) (2019)

utter crap

[1/10 · 26 June 2021]

Aggressive, gratuitously violent, clichéd.

Bad cinematography, awful background music, desperate dialogue.

And worst of all is the acting, which is unbelievably poor

Overall this film comes across as.the sort of macho crap a student with issues would come up with after a weekend in the woods with his mates.

Love and Monsters (2020)

The Dog Steals Every Scene Except The One With The Enormous Crab

[7/10 · 18 April 2021]

Tries so hard to be a new Zombieland..

.. And fails

I don't think even the film makers knew who their target audience for this film is, falling as it does between adult horror/comedy and teen thriller. Having said that, it's a good film for what it is, with a likeable lead and an adorable dog.

It's a shame the last half hour or so was so taken with setting up the inevitable sequel.

Good to see a film featuring monsters where the dog actually survives.

The Hitcher (2007)

Avoid Like The Plague

[1/10 · 14 April 2021]

Right, you ready?

This is a stupid, pointless exercise in sadistic killing. A chase film with no character development, no real plot, no explanation of motive, no subtlety, no realism, no redeeming features.

It's just two hours or so of people getting shot or stabbed. Nothing else.

Just brainless film making for brainless people to watch.

The soft rock background music was pretty diabolical too.

What ever happened to American film-making? All they seem to be producing these says is violent rubbish.

I really can't understand what on earth Sean Bean, agreeing to appear in this garbage.

Rubbish.

The Buddy Holly Story (1978)

A Curate's Egg

[7/10 · 12 April 2021]

A decent biopic, although a little sanitised and definitely heavy on the schmaltz, it gives a reasonable account of Buddy's career for the casual observer.

The film would have benefitted from a little more of Buddy's early life - specifically his starting out in music, and introduction to The Crickets, of whom there is very little character development.

It is this lack of background on The Crickets which makes their decision to leave Buddy whilst he's on a high, and they're all making a lot of money puzzling.

Equally the film cops out a little, finishing on the High of his final performance rather than showing the drama of the ill-fated plane flight, tossing of coins for seats et al. Sadly, a huge part of the legend of Buddy Holly is his tragic death, and to not depict it in a story of his life is rather like ending a film on General Custer just as he rides into the Little Big Horn.

Busey gives an empassioned performance, but looks nothing like Holly, acts nothing like Holly, and in my opinion is certainly not worthy of an Oscar.

Overall a good, if overrated, film - definitely of its time (some of the musical arrangements, particularly the final gig, are waay more '78 than '58) and is worth a watch.

Black Water: Abyss (2020)

Crocodile Rock

[4/10 · 2 April 2021]

Predictable, derivative, charmless, hackneyed, two-dimensional, unimaginative, characterless, and boring.

I was cheering on the crocodile.

Orphan (2009)

Twisted Sister

[8/10 · 2 April 2021]

Entertaining horror - you know what it is and you know where it's going, but it does it very well.

Watch out for spoilers below..

Lil orphan Esther, a nine year old girl who is really a dwarf Martine McCutcheon insidiously charms her way into a foster family whom she then commences to individually manipulate - bumping off anyone who stands in her twisted path;

It's formulaic and predictable stuff, albeit with a couple of unexpected twists, but essentially is a well-made film with a strong script and - unusually - good character development.

Strong performances from the cast, Esther is excellent, and the little girl called Max is particularly good, demonstrating a broad range of believable emotions in a non-speaking role.

It would have been so easy to centre this film around the perfect all-American family. This family though is far from perfect, with skeletons - including alcoholism, adultery, and gross parental negligence - hiding in the parents' collective cupboard. It is how the marital cracks are initially exposed, toyed with, and then widened into chasms by the psychotic Esther that makes this film as interesting as it is.

The ending is a little weak. A film as dark as this deserves a dark climax, and the surprise killing off of dad arguably does set a kind of precedent for a shocker finish.

Esther emerging triumphantly alone from the ice hole, taking poor little Max by the hand, and heading off into the night may just have been a little too dark, but would certainly have ensured you didn't forget this film in a hurry!

The best horror films, in my opinion, are normally the ones where good doesn't triumph over evil. After all, it's only a film..

Whatever..

Good film!

Case 39 (2009)

Sugar and Spice and All Things Diabolic

[7/10 · 1 April 2021]

Good suspenseful horror in the mould of The Omen II, quality cast do a good job, in particular the impressively menacing Jodelle Ferland. Good also to see the ever reliable Ian "Lovejoy" McShane in a strong supporting role.

Only slightly tarnished by a disappointingly weak ending - the film as a whole deserved better.

In my opinion these demonic genre tales are always better when the Devil has his day at the end (think Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, Race With The Devil, etc.)

Having said that, this is an entertaining and competently made horror film that won't necessarily rock your world, but will certainly keep you entertained for a couple of hours.

A Cure for Wellness (2016)

A Curate's Egg

[5/10 · 31 March 2021]

A mildly engaging film, flawed but worth watching. Clearly influenced by Dr Mengeles and his henchmen.

I would have marked this film higher but for several unpleasant scenes which for the most part arguably are gratuitous:-

Depiction of animal suffering Long drawn out scene in which a young girl is shown semi-naked and about to be raped by her father Forced ingestion of eels Dental torture

I guess the above could be argued to be important to the storyline to demonstrate the evil of the doctor, but it really was quite unpleasant.

The film, though lavishly shot, relies way too heavily on plagiarism of old Hollywood classics - Dracula springs to mind, and the theme tune is almost but not quite the theme to Rosemary's Baby (the opening shot of the film, depicting the city skyline by air could almost be an update of Polanski's masterpiece)

And the ending, once we've got past the Vincent Price/Masque of the Red Death pastiche, with the hero's bosses turning up en masse, is really beyond ridiculous.

A lot of people on here are referring to this film as a potential cult classic, which says more about the abject state of the modern film making industry and the absolute dearth of intelligent films in the 21st Century than it does about this okay-ish piece of hokem.

And one more thing, if you've got a broken leg it tends to hurt a bit, or to put it another way, YOU BLOODY WELL KNOW you've got a broken leg..

Night Hunter (2018)

The Silence of the Lame

[4/10 · 30 March 2021]

Sigh...

... I really should know better than to watch films like this. Nothing good ever came out of a film with a lead actor who looks like he puts steroids on his morning cornflakes; just check out anything by Lundgren or Schwartzennegger if you don't believe me.

This film does start promisingly though, before descending into formulaic "Cop With Issues In Race To Find Deranged Serial Killer Before The Heroine Gets It" nonsense.

There are SO many plot holes and unexplained loose ends in this piece of hackneyed garbage it would take me all night to list them, so I won't - this film's already wasted enough of my evening.

Ben Kingsley is excellent, of course, and the chap playing the psychotic Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum is good in his dual role, albeit a little over the top.

Bluntly this film is nonsensical, and is filled with characters who make even more nonsensical choices

Best avoided.

Meridian (II) (2016)

Excellent Short

[10/10 · 28 March 2021]

Really interesting short film that harks back to a time when they really new how to build tension through subtlety rather than jump scares.

Very much in the vein of the excellent mystery shows of the 50s/60s, with the obvious influence being The Twilight Zone.

Leaves you wanting more.

Look Away (2018)

Mirror Mirror On The Wall..

[6/10 · 28 March 2021]

An interesting idea:

A callow teen swapping places with her feisty dead twin with the aid of a mirror.

Unfortunately, like a lot of modern American films, the plot is quite slight, with no development of theme or characters - who remain one dimensional and dull. In particular the characters are disappointing in that they are either good or bad, with very little light and shade to add interest or subtlety.

Because of the lack of any substance or fleshing out, the film seems overlong and sags quite a bit in places.

Essentially, feisty girl emerges from mirror and, with increasing violence, rights all the wrongs her shy alter ego has suffered. And that's it - that's the film, yet it takes two hours to tell it.

Could've been much better with more mature handling.

Oh, and does *every* high-school kid in America *really* drive a sports car?!

The scene showing a teenage girl faultlessly driving a porsche 911 on sheet ice whilst simultaneously grooving to the car radio is one of the more ludicrous sights I have seen in a film in many a year.

Malevolent (III) (2018)

Messy and Unpleasant

[3/10 · 28 March 2021]

Had the makings of a decent film, however they loused it up.

Weak confused storyline, poor attention to detail, and an ending that was unnessassarily sadistic and unpleasant.

A mess.

Annabelle (I) (2014)

Hello Dolly!

[6/10 · 23 March 2021]

A not too bad way to fill a couple of hours - not bad but not that great either. Some scary moments, but frankly it's all been done before. Better.

I do wish they'd use a replica of the real Annabelle doll though, which is much cuter and would make the horror far more interesting. This doll is just too obviously evil looking.

A couple of issues I had with this film is the police officer saying "If I hear anything else I'll reach out to you", and pastel colours and laminate flooring in every indoor scene.

The film is set in 1970; who was historical advisor on this film, Justin Bieber?

Dial 'M' for Murder (1981 TV Movie)

Dial P for Pointless

[6/10 · 21 March 2021]

A so-so, fairly competent update of the Hitchcock classic.

The film for some reason has been moved in time to 1963, which is fine by me - but seems a, little pointless if you're not going to bother dressing your cast in period clothing. Agreed, Dickinson does have a fine Dusty Springfield "do", but the gents all look to have been fitted out in a 1981 Moss Bross - Halliday doesn't even wear a tie, which just would not have happened in 1963.

The casting is less than satisfactory, Plummer does an okay but uninspiring job as the murderous husband; but Dickinson is totally wooden and passionless, as is the chap playing Halliday - and there is absolutely no magnetism whatsoever between these two

Dear old Anthony Quayle, love him, as fine an actor as he was - and he does nothing wrong here in the thankless task of recreating John Williams' Inspector Hubbard - sadly though, at 68 he's just too damned old for the part.

The film itself lacks the tension, the pace, the finesse, the pure brilliance of Hitch. Only okay if you've never seen the original.

Thriller: Color Him Dead (1974) Season 2, Episode 6

Zzz is for Snoring

[6/10 · 16 March 2021]

Frivolous, childish, and mildly irritating - this episode of Thriller is easily the worst I've watched, and a challenge to sit through to the end.

Obviously made as a mild pastiche of the film noir Beatty/Bacall/Thin Man films of the 30s and 40s, this film crucially lacks any character definition, suspense, tension, or atmosphere (the incidental music sounds like a reject for Terry and June or Bless This House).

Quite simply, it fails on every level.

None of the characters are terribly likeable, so one feels absolutely nothing for them throughout; indeed it's hard to tell which of the husband and wife detective team is more annoying - ultimately the wife wins out, just.

The scene where she flippantly taunts a gunman with a hoover whilst he's pointing a revolver at her leaves you tempted to shout at the screen "FOR GOD'S SAKE SHOOT HER"

As hard as it was, I persevered to the end, only because I've been binge watching all six series whilst laid up with a broken leg, and this is one of the last on the list.

Having, as I said, watched most of the Thriller series, I must say - they don't half get through some scotch in these shows! I honestly don't think there's a single episode where the main characters aren't regularly dousing themselves from a whisky decanter (probably the same one)

This episode gets a generous six only because, as poor as it is, it is still streets ahead of anything being made by the BBC or ITV today.

Now that's a depressing thought.

Ps: This episode of Thriller is NOTHING like the Avengers...!

Thriller: Anatomy of Terror (1973) Season 1, Episode 4

Gunfight at The So-So Coral

[8/10 · 16 March 2021]

An intriguing episode, which harks back to the cold War spy films of the 60s - Le Carre and Smiley and Palmer and all that.

Unfortunately, although the whole thing becomes clear at the end, the viewer spends most of the show wondering what the hell is going on, which is not great in terms of engagement.

An interesting scene takes place toward the start of the programme, where the taxi drops off the American couple in Manchester Square - in full view of the stairwell in the Old EMI building where The Beatles posed for their photo for the cover of the Please Please Me album.

Hammer House of Horror: The Two Faces of Evil (1980) Season 1, Episode 12

Silly and Directionless

[4/10 · 5 March 2021]

I'm all for intrigue and a twisty plot in a film - especially a thriller - but there does have to come a point where all the intrigue and plot twists unravel to finally make sense.

This never happens with TTFOE, probably because the writers couldn't think of an ending to adequately and plausibly explain what had gone before, and the show is ruined as a result.

A scene with the mortuary attend who describes doppelgangers to the heroine makes a stab at a rationale for why she can't decide whether the corpse on the slab is her husband or the killer is flimsy at best.

The most interesting part of this mess of a film is the enthusiasm with which the makers have liberally drenched each scene with the colour red - the colour of anger - or blood, if you like.

Overall, this episode of the Otherwise excellent Hammer House of Horror series is a huge let down, and smacks somewhat of a 6th form film studies project.

The House That Vanished (1973)

Dark Dull Dated & Downright Dirty

[5/10 · 5 March 2021]

A mildly diverting period piece, a woman witnesses a murder, is seen by the killer and - well its nothing if not unoriginal so you can guess the rest.

A sign of a poor whodunit is when the killer is obvious - despite any number of red herrings - within minutes of appearing on screen.

Awards must be handed out though for Outstanding Smuttiness - I honestly have never before seen a film (and I've seen a few) where EVERY female member of the cast goes totally naked at one point or another - even weird old Aunt Susannah gets em off for a quickie with her even weirder nephew.

Irritatingly though, this film is extremely poorly lit throughout, with daylight scenes being welcomed with (light) relief. A good number of scenes are shot at night, in dark houses, with no lighting at all.

Now I appreciate that every self-respecting ne'er-do-well prefers the cover of darkness to carry out his dastardly deeds, and that the lack of light does add a touch of realism, but surely a fundamental component in making a film is to ensure that the audience can actually see what's going on?!

Only good if you like early 70s thrillers mixed in with a generous dose of gratuitous soft porn.

The Plague of the Zombies (1966)

"ZOMBIE! "

[10/10 · 3 March 2021]

A well-crafted, original zombie film from Hammer, with an excellent cast and an atmospheric air.

Delightful to see a young and alluring Jacqueline Pearce in an early role, long before her lascivious outings as the more mature (but no less seductive) Servalan in Blakes 7.

A shame the role of the doctor - here played by a slightly leaden Andre Morrell - wasn't given to Hammer stalwart Peter Cushing, but for all that it's still a fine watch.

The dream sequence in the graveyard where the young Doctor is set upon by zombies is as good as anything in 50 years of Romero.

The films biggest triumph though is in somehow managing to portray fox hunters as even bigger asses than they are in real life (just)