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Lucky (2017)
Poorly, poorly written......
Why is this movie so highly rated? Because Harry Dean Stanton died two weeks before it was released. That's it. If you watch closely, and listen, you'll realize it's a very shallow, sentimental story. In fact, it's bad.
The director never made another film, and the writers never wrote anything else, before or since. This should tell you something.
If you see a scene here or there, it's okay. But as a film, it's garbage. Hot garbage. In fact, the worst part is the town folk: nowhere on earth do people care for their fellow man, especially drinks in a bar.
This entire thing is an exercise in maudlin sentiment. Go watch Straight Time: that's Stanton's masterpiece.
Douglas Fairbanks: Je suis une légende (2018)
Peter Facinelli cannot narrate.
It's quite simple: when you make a documentary, you better have a great narrator.
If said documentary is told in the first person, and that person is dead, and you must hire a voice to sound out his loves, laughs, and Lives, you better make sure that voice is immortal. John Facenda, maybe; Peter Facinelli, no.
God no. Please K-I-double hockeysticks me he is bad, so bad I now hate Douglas Fairbanks. And he's from the silent era? Great, now all his movies have the taint of Facinelli's voice all throughout.
This is why Prime should be free. Because this is garbage, and require no Money. Ever.
Stay away.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Culture Shock/F.U.N. (1999)
All 1-Star reviews were left on July 15, 2019.
.....over 20 years after the episode aired, which I find very suspicious. Also, they seem to.have the same stylogy and grammar usage.
Clearly 80% of the reviews are left by one deranged person, one not even psychiatric meds can alleviate I'm afraid.
All the positive reviews we left years apart, too l, by the way, and seem to be written with wildly different styles and rating numbers that actually differentiate.
The only thing that puzzles me as to why someone would systematically abuse the rating system over a 20-year-old episode of a children's show totaling no more than 22 minutes.
That's the real f--ing mystery.
30 for 30: The Last Days of Knight (2018)
Too biased for 30 For 30.
I don't like basketball or care one way about Indiana, but you could tell from the outset that this was a biased hit-piece. It focuses way too much on Neal Reed and far too little on what's different in coaching standards from the 70s to 2000.
And the other worst part? This biased reporter decided to narrate the documentary himself, and I assure you, his voice is not magnetic. I honestly could've watched a 2 minute YouTube video on the same subject and extrapolated far more pertinent information and in an enjoyable manner. To watch this is to slog through one-sided reporting.
Stay away from at all costs.
Beyond the Wasteland (2022)
One of the best documentaries about Mad Max and its fans
This subject has been done ALOT. Like, too much. Honestly, there's some bad ones. Well, maybe mediocre. But this one shows A LOT. And it shows The Wasteland Weekend, a festival I'd only heard rumors about.
10/10.
This subject has been done ALOT. Like, too much. Honestly, there's some bad ones. Well, maybe mediocre. But this one shows A LOT. And it shows The Wasteland Weekend, a festival I'd only heard rumors about.
10/10.
This subject has been done ALOT. Like, too much. Honestly, there's some bad ones. Well, maybe mediocre. But this one shows A LOT. And it shows The Wasteland Weekend, a festival I'd only heard rumors about.
10/10.
The Casual Criminalist: The Rise and Fall of Gary Glitter (2023)
Why are these people so uninformed and unintelligent?
The problem with these podcasts and YouTube videos is the presenter himself doesn't know ANYthing about pop culture. It's actually kind of sad. For instance, I'm not even British or a part of entertainment in any way, yet I have heard of Lost Prophets. This guy had to have it explained to him.
Is this the type of person you want to gather information from? What if the host of Forensic Files didn't know what blood-splatter analysis was, or couldn't pronounce succinylcholine? You'd turn it off!
My suggestion, do some research. Actually no.... I take that back. Get another profession: there's no hope for you.
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Fatwa! (2017)
Barry Lyndon!
One of the best episodes ever made. If you wanted Kubrick and Hamilton to influence your favorite show, this is the episode for you.
Also, it's almost double length.
One of the best episodes ever made. If you wanted Kubrick and Hamilton to influence your favorite show, this is the episode for you.
Also, it's almost double length.
One of the best episodes ever made. If you wanted Kubrick and Hamilton to influence your favorite show, this is the episode for you.
Also, it's almost double length.
One of the best episodes ever made. If you wanted Kubrick and Hamilton to influence your favorite show, this is the episode for you.
Also, it's almost double length.
Scooby-Doo and Guess Who?: The Internet On Haunted House Hill! (2020)
A YouTuber? Really? And you wonder why this is canceled.
Of all the people to have in the guest slot appearance, you choose.....I already forgot their name. Someone on YouTube. Who cares.
Please don't try to pine for the old days when this show was on and you looked forward to the guest: this is why, and this will always be why. (Along with Halsey, who was famous for a summer and a half.)
I hope one day they'll meet Malcolm X or the leader of the Third Reich. Or maybe they'll solve The Mystery of George Floyd, even though that isn't a mystery at all, because a pig killed him.
But it would definitely be more interesting than ______, internet-famous YouTuber.
Bad Times at the El Royale (2018)
What happens when you've never been alive in the sixties.
You just believe all the pop-culture high marks. Let me assure you: this movie is bad. Really bad. You can tell the director has never been alive in 1969, because he hits you over the head with everything from that year: cars, songs, pop-culture references. Remember back to a year you lived.....1989, for example. How many things did you own that were from '89? Hardly any! People save old things, listen to old songs, drive old cars. No one I knew had an SNES in '92, we all still had NES, but if Drew Goddard made a movie set in '92, he'd show a Super Nintendo every chance he got, because he thinks we're too stupid to understand when something is a long time ago.
The prison scene was laughable. One google search, Drew, and you'd see instantaneously that a jail cell is NEVER that wide, and the beds are always stacked.
Why would armored-car robbers escape to a hotel that still straddles the state line where they commited the robbery? Now both Nevada and California authorities can get you. Braniac.
I loved the hotel, too. Very realistic. A large motel with food ready to go from machines and there's only ONE employees. Brilliant. So realistic.
I love how an FBI agent underling calls and gets J EDGAR HOOVER on the first call! Does this moron not understand how bureaus work? 98% of agents have NEVER spoken to the director! This is like an exercise in puerile writing.
The worse scene, the most unrealistic, were the gun scenes. The logistics were bad, it looked like MS Paint technology. Don't get me started on the 'Nam scene....it looked like actors asleep at a studio. Not victims of war.
This movie bombed for a reason. It sucks. It's Tarantino diluted into dumpster juice. Beyond stupid.
Scooby-Doo and Guess Who?: The Phantom, The Talking Dog And The Hot Hot Hot Sauce (2020)
I'm on IMDb but don't know how to look up the names of actresses.
I just call them "Daphne's voice actress" and the other one that can't hold a candle to her. It's too hard to learn that one is Kacey Musgraves and the other is Grey DeLisle. I just let other people think for me, and pay my way. My name is Julianmarku and I don't understand TV at all. Especially Scooby-Doo.
My favorite part is when one voice actor said that thing to the other. I laughed. I laughed hard. Then I wrote a review. Things are bright outside, but mommy said don't stare directly into the sun. Just stare into the internet, and pretend people care what I review on IMDb.
I am available for children's parties, btw.
Scooby-Doo and Guess Who?: The Horrible Haunted Hospital Of Dr. Phineas Phrag! (2020)
Hi, I have no idea who Kristen Schaal is, so I leave negative reviews.
I also don't know how to spell her name, nor do I understand how episodes of Scooby-Doo and Guess Who? Actually work. What I do is, I get on IMDb and leave negative reviews because I suffer from oligophrenia. My outlook on life is cloudy, and everything has to be explained to me. Twice. Then one more time. Then again.
Then one more time, for good luck, because I am quite possibly subhuman and live underground. I just know Looney Tunes and think out from there. Mommy and Daddy untie me and I'm allowed to use the internet, right after I don't understand pedestrian Scooby-Doo episodes.
If you want to know who I am, check the review above. Don't tell mom.
The Simpsons: Any Given Sundance (2008)
I watch all ChalmSkin movies
Best production company in the history of film. I own everything they've put out on DVD and Blu-Ray, even Laserdisc.
What sets them apart is their clinging fidelity to the ratio of proportioned experience, the trauma-guilt separation from to his mother and girl to her mother, otherwise know as Oedipus and Electra. But what really defines them is the circumaural navigation among hi-fidelity audio systems blasting symphonic black metal. If you've read this far and agree with anything I say or even pretend to understand it, understand this: you are insane.
ChalmSkin does not exist.
But The Simpsons do!
Kôkaku kidôtai 2.0 (2008)
This isn't just "CGI inserts".....EVERYTHING has been redone
ALL the animation is redone; it's much sharper, cleaner, more vivid and dynamic. There are sections completely redone with CGI that look amazing. This is a brand-new movie.
Also, all the original voice character actors have come back and redone the dialogue, and it's MUCH, MUCH better. There is no argument that 2.0 is far superior to the original.
If you've never seen the 1995 version, don't bother. Just watch this one, because the plot and dialogue is the exact same, beat for beat. It just looks far better. It's a new beast, not a "pointless remake" as so many troglodytes on here spuriously claim.
10/10. One of the best animes of all time, and a direct inspiration to The Matrix.
Nitram (2021)
Nearly accurate, but here are some factual errors:
1.) He no longer lived at Helen's when the shooting occurred.
Though I see why they condensed these facts to streamline the narrative, he had moved to his own apartment long before. In fact, it seems like not much time had passed but in reality it was years after Helen's death that he committed the Port Arthur shooting.
2.) Martin Bryant had a girlfriend.
He had a girlfriend the day he left for the shooting, because the authorities went and talked to her afterwards. She had no idea, he sent off no weird signals or vibes. In the apartment they found a calendar, with April 28th circled several times in red ink.
3.) There are NOT more guns in Australia now.
This is patently false. There are more gun LICENSES, but the actual number of firearms in the hands of civilians is far less than in 1996, despite population growth. To even imply they have a gun problem comparable to the US is ludicrous.
4) He was and still is a suspect in the death of his father.
This was not touched on at all, and, in my mind, I don't think he actually murdered his father either. But he was a suspect; Matin's weights were the weights that were tied to his father's body and dragged him down. To this day, Australian authorities have not put it past him that he may have committed this crime.
Other than that, everything was accurate. Scary accurate, actually. From his clothes to his mannerisms to the night he saw the UK mass shooting (which inspired him), everything was spot on.
Oh, and one more thing: the real Helen was fat. Not a nice thing to say, but she was; she looked nothing like Essie Davis.
MH370: The Plane That Disappeared (2023)
Great for flat-earthers and Q-anon
....because this is right up their alley: half-baked conspiracy theories lifted from bad Steven Seagal movies. 70% of this is conspiracy-theory nonsense purported by people who believe all Americans are evil and control the world.
The best part was imputing that Blaine was a Russian spy! Ha! Or that AWACS actually have the ability to block radar and cell phones and all electronics. Or that you can hack into a 777 from an open-hatch and control the plane with your MacBook. Oh I love it!
The only part the wasn't delved into enough was when Russia shot down MH17: they barely even talked about that. I guess that doesn't fit in with the "America and Britain and Australia" are keeping a secret, because they're white and have money.
Hilarious! Total nonsense, and ZERO answers. Read the wiki stub, don't waste 3 hours.
Meander (2020)
My favorite! No character development!
She's a waitress!
That's it. No. Seriously.
Then she gets stuck in some tubes and shafts and tunnels. And I guess the viewer is supposed to care? I'm not sure. Honestly, this movie is designed to torture the viewer. It seems like an American POS but it's actually French. Some Frenchman watched Cube and thought they could do it.
Except they couldn't. And didn't. And now you pay the price.
I wonder if Amazon is aware no one streams Prime Video because they have so much garbage. Not even mediocre, like Netflix, but straight, pure, unadulterated hot-garbage. Someone write Jeff a letter, tell him to watch this.
I feel bad for any human that owns this on DVD.
Scooby-Doo and Guess Who?: The New York Underground! (2020)
Halsey, wow, what a great choice for guest star.
It's not like she's already irrelevant in 2023 and most people have to be explained exactly who she was, from 2015 to 2018, when she was relevant.
But her voice is so good for cartoons! Except that it isn't, she sounds like my grandma who smoked 6-and-a-half packs of Kools per day, yeah great choice for a star/voice character actress. At least Sia had a good voice.
I thought the Kenan episode was the worst form of television ever created. I was wrong. It's this, it's Halsey Irrelevance on Scooby Doo.
If you're wondering why this show was canceled, watch this episode. Then stop wondering. And watch a different episode, like Batman or Malcolm McDowell or Sia. Those are good.
Fire of Love (2022)
Miranda July was not the right narrator for this.
This could have been an epic documentary, but was married by an untrained narrator whose voice could be found anywhere, even next door. In fact, she did sound like my next-door neighbor.
When we sit down and give up 2 hours of our lives to a story, and that story is told singularly through the voice of person, you better damn well make sure that person's voice is golden. In this case, it was not. It wasn't even close. She sounds like a raspy old lady who smoked too many Marlboro Reds.
I still have it at 7 stars, which should tell you how powerful the rest of the documentary actually was. But.....it could have been SO much better.
Scooby-Doo and Guess Who?: Quit Clowning! (2019)
This episode SUCKS.
Worst episode of anything Scooby-related, bar none. Unbelievably sad, cringe-inducing, and godlike in it's annoyance.
Kenan is just annoying. Beyond annoying, in fact. The kind of annoying that drives me to the edge, off cliffs, and into the business end of twelve-guages.
Its possible I'll never run into anything this annoying again, so in a weird way it's quite special. It's the Mount Everest of bad, and Kenan Thompson is it's Sir Edmund Hilary.
Please, skip this episode entirely. Watch the Sia episode or Batman episode, far worthier entries into the 52-episode run of this series.
Dd I say 52? I meant 51, as this episode does not exist, never has, never will.
Gokushufudo (2021)
Animation + editing done by people with ADD
It's hard to judge this. The premise is great, it's weird, kooky, distinctly Japanese. The voice acting is great.
The animation, however, is not fluid. It's disjointed and stilted. The way it's edited together just screams Attention Deficit Disorder. It's adult subject-matter, drawn for five-year-olds.
I watched the dubbed version and there was still WAY too many words on the screen, for no reason at all. (Like "SET" when he sets his silverware down.) This is an unforgivable idiosyncrasy. It's a try-hard affair with nothing rewarding or substantiative at the end. Just choppy, jerk-style animation and frenetic cuts for no solid reason at all.
Not even mediocre.
Dix pour cent: ASK (2018)
For those that don't understand this episode....
1.) Mathias left a digital signature by printing out the copy of the forms used for the leak. He may have been trying get rid of Hicham, but he betrayed the core principle of the agency: never leak anything, never put your actors in danger.
2.) The graffito was painted by Valentin, made even more obvious when Herve took over when the scrubbed letters were reduced from Camille Valentini to just "Valentin."
If you do not know who Valentin is, you have been asleep, and should not be writing reviews.
This episode was NOT hard to understand. Unless of course your intelligence quotient is under sixty.
Im Westen nichts Neues (2022)
Paths of Glory destroys this.
Sorry, but this movie is mediocre. At best. The color palette is all wrong, the smoke and digital sound explosions are laughable. The dead bodies were clearly bundles of clothes; their weight displacement was too light.
I didn't like the original novel. As far as WWI books go, the best is Céline's Journey to the End of the Night. So, this movie, not faithfully following the book, didn't bother me. What did bother me is that it was so bland, so unoriginal and anything but exciting. You can translate novels into good movies. Paths of Glory did a much better job.
Why be a slave to another medium when you could be master of this one?
No wonder the country of Germany thinks this movie sucks. They aren't easily hoodwinked like American audiences are.
Another mediocre Netflix movie. Oh, how predictable.
Unbanned: The Legend of AJ1 (2018)
Easily the worst documentary on an easy subject.
This should have been a total slam-dunk: Air Jordans, Nike, Spike Lee and other celebrities. But that's how it got derailed: WAY too many people that we don't care about talking about shoes. No one cares about Jason Sudeikis and Shannon Sharpe. We just want to see how Air Jordans affected Americans in the 80s and 90s, which they barely even talked about. This honestly felt like a sub-par YouTube video. In fact, I bet there are BETTER documentaries about Air Jordans currently on YouTube.
This is just a mediocre display of archived Getty-images and a slew of forgettable celebrities you can tell the director is proud to have in their documentary.
Total garbage.
The Infiltrator (2016)
Bryan Cranston, one mediocre movie after another. If that.
Some of the worst expository dialogue ever. Everything handed to you, everything forced down your throat.
How on earth this passes for a 7.0 is barely even worth staying alive for....
The Dirties (2013)
This movie is over-hyped garbage: at heart, it is a weak indie film.
Someone should tell the writers that every sentence uttered matters--you start the movie off with an ADD kid spouting nonsense to other kids, with NO clear relation to the story line.
Honestly, this a teenage movie written by teens and played by teens and feels like an Amateur effort from Talent-less teens.