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The Brotherhood IV: The Complex (2005)
Beware the Black Sculls, and their slow naked walks.
When I see a movie has an IV in its title and I've never heard of the other three, I have a pretty good idea what I'm in for. Mmmmmmmm cheese, a huge heaping pile of Canadian cheese in fact.
Firstly I was attracted by its supposed genre, horror. Since I haven't had a good scare in a while I figured it should at least give me a jolt. No jolt was had. Okay, it wasn't at all scary, maybe an explosion or two, it does after all take place on a military base. No explosions to be seen. Alright, maybe it will be saved by a strong script and good acting. Oh no my friends, horrible script, and the most over the top acting I've seen to date and Michael Ironside wasn't even in it. So what does it have? What cinematic fruits does it bare? Naked moonlight walks to the showers, and hilariously bad lightning effects.
This is the most homo erotic movie to come out of Canada since Strange Brew. Long extended shower scenes with close ups on abs, naked finger painting of fellow cadets, and nary a woman to be seen. Oh, and Greco roman wrestling. Seriously this one shower scene made no sense. One of the cadets hears a disturbance and goes to check it out, takes a slow walk to the shower in just his tightly issue whiteys, like a very very slow walk for some reason, like John Wayne styles. Anyway, he goes to check it out, nothing of course. So, he decides well, I'm a little ripe, shower time for me. Okay longest, gayest shower scene ever. He hears the noise again, gets out of the shower, does same "Duke" Saunter back to his room, and finds nothing. So, since his shower was cut short, he returns to it, and begins to wash his abs once again, by this time I was quite flustered but enough about that, back to the movie. So, after he finishes showering he gets out and the scary lightning gets him. Oh, the horror (no exclamation point.)
Look, if you're a closet homosexual, which of coarse is okay by all means, and you want to stay in that nice safe closet and never let on but you need some cinematic accompaniment to your release then Brotherhood IV is the movie for you. If you want to watch a good old fashion scary movie, then my friend stay away and save yourself the confusing life shattering erections, I mean plot horrible plot.
Empire of Ash III (1989)
One of the Best Bad Movies Ever
Being a fan of bad movies I couldn't take my eyes off of this horrible post apocalyptic playground of bad acting, and the hilarious special effects.
It's an action movie full of explosions and whaling guitar solo's throughout. Everyone is leatherclad and 80's. One of the best parts of this movie is extras who were clearly killed in battle reappear only to be killed again; that is they reuse the same actors, with no costume change.
Another amazing piece of movie magic is the apple 2e defense system that protects the rebel stronghold. It's just that and apple 2e with its pastel colored confetti screen saver on every scene. This clever futuristic defense computer was also given a women's voice with no effect other than the women trying to sound like a computer.
Where there plot holes you ask? Well, no noticeable ones, but you have to have a plot to have plot holes.
In conclusion and in summery this movie sucked so good. I loved it. If you are a fan of bad movies check this one out, you will be pleasantly disgusted.