mrvanin Reviews

Like Dogs (2021)

Find a better wasre of time.

[1/10 · 17 April 2024]

I watched this on YouTube. I fell asleep after an hour and woke up in time to see the last five minutes. I turns out that there were no surprises and I had wasted an hour of missed sleep.

Predictable, pointless, poorly done, pathetic. If the lead had provided some eye-candy, or if any of the characters were interesting, or if the entire story wasn't a concentrated collection of plot-holes, the film would have some saving feature to bring it up to a rating of 2 (rubbish that I could still watch). But it hasn't, so here we are!

This movie is distinguishable from a pile of doggie-doo. That about says it all.

Miami Vice: Out Where the Buses Don't Run (1985) Season 2, Episode 3

This had aged horribly.

[2/10 · 21 February 2024]

I sought out this specific episode after listening to "Crockett's Theme"; I searched for "Best Miami Vice Episode" - and this is the one that was rated highest.

Well, I have to say I was mightily disappointed! Rated as best, my own perception was 2/10. This is a rating I give when I find a movie or TV episode as poor as possible - but that I'm still willing to watch to the end.

Obviously, Bruce McGill as the crazy ex-cop, is a major feature. I thought his attempts were ludicrously hammed. Maybe this was from poor directing, but he seems to have had a lot of say in how to exhibit his character's insanity. It was really poorly done.

The storyline is rather dull - so I can't understand the superlatives that have been written about this episode. I suspect it was sheer emotion that viewers felt after listening to the portion of "Brothers in Arms' that was overdubbed toward the end. That doesn't save the episode, in my opinion.

The Foreigner (I) (2017)

Not Your Usual Jackie Chan

[8/10 · 18 May 2023]

What a breath of fresh air! I like Jackie Chan's personality, but I'm not a fan of his hallmark over-the-top comedy. As the foreigner ("the Chinaman") bent on revenge in this film, Chan takes on a far more serious face - no jokes in this one.

I have a soft spot for revenge movies, and this one is worthy of addition to my list of favourites. Having watched it three times, I enjoyed it more with each viewing. There is a plausible story, sufficient, competent, realistic action and, based on reading the plot for the book on which this film is based (The Chinaman, by. Stephen Leather), I much prefer the plot of the movie to that presented in the book. Kudos to the script writer, and the director, for this result!

Stories about the IRA are often so loaded with damned politics that I run out of tolerance for them all to quickly. Here, the IRA is a useful theme to hang the plot on, and the political content is kept to a minimum to justify the real story of Chan's character seeking revenge for the hurt caused to him. Along the way, various bad-guys get their just desserts - and for me, a very satisfying ending rounds of this story very nicely. I was greatly entertained and rated this film as 8/10 with the intention of rating it higher in future if, as I suspect, it doesn't grow old for me.

Dark Web: Cicada 3301 (2021)

Utterly listless, a story of uninteresting ignorance

[1/10 · 12 April 2023]

This movie fails at every point. The scriptwriting is nonsense, the story is haphazard and displays incurable ignorance of every facet it tries to address. I watched it because it was directed by Alan Richson, the lead actor in the first season of the Jack Reacher series, where he was a satisfyingly likeable character. But this film is a load of nonsense, and as one of the writers, Richson turns in a miserable product. The ham-fisted attempts at humour are tedious and un-amusing. The technical aspects of the story are woefully poorly written, perhaps to dramatise the content - but it doesn't succeed there either. I'm no fan of crypto currency - but the drivel that tries to employ its use in the story is too stupid to be funny. I eventually started skipping ahead, only to give up watching. This is treatment reserved for the worst movies that I try to watch. Any film that I can watch to the end, no matter how terrible, earns two stars. This one, accordingly gets 1 out of 10, because IMDB doesn't recognise 0/10 as a valid score. It's garbage - so watch what you can of it and regret the wasted time later - but how else would you know that I'm telling the truth?.

My Name Is Nobody (1973)

What did I just watch?

[2/10 · 6 August 2022]

I read that this is allegedly the favourite film of "Terrence Hill" (born Mario Girotti, culturally a German and a very obedient player) among all of his output.

Mamma mia!

I expected more of "They call me Trinity", but, it couldn't even make it as that kind of dated, juvenile comedy which I quite enjoyed as a teenager more than fifty years ago.

The story is horribly weak and apart from the efforts of the two main actors, the acting is, to put it politely, absurdly directed. Even then, the dialogue of Fonda and Hill is very poorly written. It made me think of a scriptwriter who has almost no experience writing in English, who, once completed, handed the script to a young Westerns movie fan, with the instruction to "westernise dees vocabulary un po 'di più. - I'a want it by the end of office hours, today'a!".

Add to this, pathetically poor dubbing and amateurish Foley work (ambient sounds and sound effects), and you get 115 minutes of boring tedium, the like of which film students would be ridiculed for. I can only assume that being "based on an idea by Sergio Leone" was a hope-filled attempt to lend credibility to a film that was obviously recognised to be rubbish, by the producers. Based on an "idea"? I must suppose that Leone's "idea" was "Why'a don'ta we make'a 'nother movie with our'a cash'a cow'a Mario?"

A study in "How a Bad Western is Slapped Together". Horrible. It gets two stars because, unlike single star movies (deserving of ZERO stars), I watched it to the dull, dreary, oh-so-long-winded monologue at the end.

The Virtuoso (2021)

Ridiculous Plot Holes

[4/10 · 8 February 2022]

A very disappointing story about a routinely inept hitman played by a likeable Anson Mount as the aged "kid". He's not supposed to be portrayed as inept and Mount does what the script asks of him - yet here we are!

Anthony Hopkins has a small part and it is so obviously filmed in isolation from the rest of the story, probably on a small, generic set near to his home, for his convenience. So he simply gets paid for his name being in the cast.

I liked the slightly plump, blonde chick - but what a stupid, stupid storyline! Four stars for a nice cast and for tempting me to tolerate the stupid contradictions and plot-holes, right up to the end.

The Big Chill (1983)

Utter Dreck!

[1/10 · 8 February 2022]

I reserve one-star ratings for movies that I can't bear to watch to the end, since rating it at zero stars doesn't count as a score. This is such a movie.

Pretentious, story-less, soulless, artless, meaningless; hence utterly pointless and uneventful. If you need proof, consider that the often-poorly-rated actor, Kevin Costner's appearances (as the off-screen suicide leading to the funeral, reunion, and interminable sort-of-wake held by the characters), were cut from the movie and yet his name is continuously inserted into the listing of cast members, who themselves are a collection of mostly unlikeable, immoral, depressing characters. No, wait - you DO get to see Kostner's hairline being combed and his hilariously "stitched" (drawn in ink) scratches on one wrist, being covered by his sleeve. THIS is his big scene!

Incidentally, it's up to the viewer to conjure what the vague reason was for the suicide - not that it matters one whit. Packing a dishwasher or scrubbing a shower clean is probably more interesting than watching this waste of time and money.

Pig (I) (2021)

Once Upon a Time, Nothing Interesting Happened.

[3/10 · 21 July 2021]

Yes, there is a story here - but it's nothing to write home about. This is a very calm performance by Cage - all the other actors do their thing adequately, but none of it is important or interesting. I stuck it out, hoping for some kind of meaning to it all, but there was nothing.

People fawning over the beauty of the story are either stupid or pretentious. Cage is the only character with promise , he plays his simple part well enough and then everything goes back to what it was, with one little difference that could easily be addressed. To say more would be to give the only spoiler possible. I was really disappointed by this film.

Six Degrees of Separation (1993)

'Shocking' New York Garbage

[2/10 · 29 June 2021]

This film has no redeeming features. This means that the film is garbage from start to finish.

Comedy? No, it's depraved boredom. I hated it. It's clearly written by some jaded idiot who has no comprehension of what is entertaining, comedic, or even, interesting. It only gets two stars because one is reserved for trash I that couldn't bear to watch to the end.

Sadly, hoping to see any kind of point being made, because of the three lead actors, I watched the entire mess. What a waste of time! I wish I could vote minus stars to give this nonsense the score it deserves.

The Man from Earth (2007)

Full of Flaws

[2/10 · 21 June 2021]

I see a lot of reviewers needing oxygen after watching this amateurish attempt.

I had been looking forward to watching this but was sorely disappointed. The writer quickly revealed his personal lack of knowledge of history and then went on to commit all the usual mistakes that result from his particular world-view - a common one which has been done to death but never grows old. To mention more about it would reveal spoilers and if you watch this, you should go in unbiased.

You will also either be sheltered enough to be "amazed" by this film, or you will see the same-old, same-old that has been going back and forth for centuries.

What a wasted opportunity to do more - even a film like "He Never Died" (2015) makes this look clumsy and empty, and is a masterpiece in comparison. It only gets two stars because I watched it to the end and I reserve a single star for films I couldn't finish.

I think it's garbage, but see for yourself.

Dead Man's Shoes (2004)

Wot a Bleedin' Load of Tripe

[2/10 · 10 April 2021]

An extremely disappointing amateur effort for a revenge flick. The director seemed to be wrestling with his first attempt at making a full-length movie. He took a fifteen minute short and padded it to eighty six minutes and his results are spectacularly poor. This turned out to be a crudely slapped together, wannabe-moody story about inarticulate yobs - for consumption by other, bored yobs.

Unimaginative, clumsy, boring and horribly edited. I paused the film after an hour and went to bed early. I went fishing the next morning and thought about the impression that this dreck had made so far - and wondered if I was being too harsh. So, after lunch, I watched the remainder ... and it actually got worse.

I score it two stars only because IMDB doesn't allow zeroes or negatives and so I'm forced to reserve single-star ratings for movies that are so bad that I can't bear to watch to the end. Now, I regret the attention that I gave this disconnected, shoddy piece of script-writing with its unnecessary and unskilled, unscripted/ad-libbed drivel. This is an example of how a movie should not be made.

A Vigilante (2018)

Lazy Writing But Watchable

[5/10 · 20 October 2020]

The script for this movie is rather poorly done. I describe it as lazy writing because the scriptwriter took the easy way out with a hand-wave each time some event had to be accelerated.

In good scripts, the writer will rack their brains for a few days to come up with a credible method to get from point A to B when time is limited. After all, a movie is usually an extremely condensed timeline. This writer clearly wanted to devote a huge amount of time to "feelz and stuff" - which, we know, is what a lot of female audiences appreciate.

This movie is all about domestic violence - but without showing it gratuitously. Again, something that ladies prefer to watch. But I wanted to watch it because it deals with abusers getting their comeuppance - and in that, it was very satisfying, even though the violence was usually off-camera.

Also, I have a soft spot for Olivia Wilde ever since I saw her in the weird but wonderful "Cowboys And Aliens" with Craig Daniel and Harrison Ford. A magnificent oddball of a movie, which endeared her to me.

So, five stars for this touchy-feely movie because the theme is something that appeals to me, the actors do what they can with their parts, and the story is clear. Not more than that because it's overly moody and some of the "bridging" events are ridiculously contrived.

Anon (I) (2018)

A naive story from a SF paperback anthology

[5/10 · 23 August 2020]

This movie is like a typical short story from those 1970's SF paperback anthologies. You know that a third of the stories will be meh-to-okay, half will be garbage and the remaining less-than-twenty-percent might be a good read.

Anon falls into the "Okay" group. The writer has a usable idea, the characters are easily understood, the future is all grey, unpainted, concrete with minimalist furnishings and empty streets - and the magical technology is invisible and very few seem to actually understand it.

Unfortunately, the execution of the movie is utterly unimaginative. Sets, costumes and vehicles rely on that rusty old dodge of using Retro to indicate Futuristic, because contemporary styling dates an SF movie so hilariously quickly. But that aside, the technical and logical holes in the story spoil it profoundly. I also found the POV scenes, where a sprite of an inanimate, gloved hand holding a revolver is used like a cursor in any of a million shoot-em-up computer games, incredibly stupid. My first reaction was to think that the POV was being rendered by futuristic AI to recreate the scene for the investigators. Reinforcing this feeling is the unrealistically slow and smooth panning of the scene - like a surveillance camera instead of the movement of a human eye.

I think that Clive Owen did the best he could with what he was given. The same goes for Amanda Seyfried, while looking as desirable as ever - with dark hair and bangs, she's a lovely dish. I don't think anyone else could have added to her performance. The rest of the cast were nonentities - especially the commissioner and the bad guy. I don't think I would recognise them in another movie.

Joker (I) (2019)

The Joker is Not a Clown

[2/10 · 7 January 2020]

The clueless scriptwriter, director and cast are oblivious to the concept of The Joker. Clowns are the slapstick, predictable fools who do stupid things to entertain small, childlike minds. This is a story that fits nowhere and merely provides two hours of tedious boredom. The thin plot is uninteresting, the characters are dull and the entire thing could be played out, without losing a molecule of content, within fifteen minutes. I was annoyed that it was this bad, given the enthusiastic reviews - but I can't say I was surprised. So much poor film-making gets a rave response that that the positive reviews simply mean lots of jaded or thhughtless people liked it. That's no indication of its quality, sadly. Oh well, another two hours of watching mediocrity mixed with boredom just so that I can appreciate a good movie when one turns up.

Cold Pursuit (2019)

Strange but enjoyable.

[8/10 · 11 November 2019]

I saw quite a lot of contempt for this movie in the reviews because it was being compared to an original Scandinavian production of the same story. Since I haven't seen that version, I can only measure this one at face value - and I enjoyed it.

I was surprised by the mix of humour and violence - but I felt that it was competently done. As the film progressed, I became more invested in the characters and by the end, found it thoroughly satisfying.

A movie that I will definitely watch again, perhaps even more than twice.

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)

Surprised that this is just a pathetic cartoon.

[2/10 · 10 November 2019]

I certainly don't expect realism from this series of movies - but I do expect to be entertained by a story. And if not a story, then at least by some interesting scenes. If not even that, then *something* to engage my interest.

Sadly, this movie has nothing more to offer than a couple of hours of shooting dying opponents with more bullets to the legs, neck and head - or taking forever to stab some particularly-slow-dying oafs with dozens of different blades.

Apparently, the modern assassin's hand gun, fitted with between 6 and 70-round magazines, has previously-unheard-of poor accuracy, so even shooting someone from inches away requires several shots to the body and head. This is strange, because the shots appear to explode portions of the head onto any convenient background surface - yet more are needed.

All I can add to this, is that the quality of assassin has gone down the toilet when they have to endlessly fight, stab and shoot each other until the director gets bored enough to decide that they can stop.

The story, or what passes for it, can be told, in detail, in around twenty words - but I wouldn't want to "spoil" it for anyone.

2/10 stars because I watched it to the end, unlike one-star movies, where I can't make it to that point.

Life (I) (2017)

Cartoonish Stupidity

[2/10 · 19 June 2019]

One of those laughably inept horror scripts where every part of the "plot" requires the characters to be fatally stupid. Yep, you already know what I mean, don't you?

Quite a few reviewers have described this as a failed copy of Alien. Nope. It's way less imaginative than that. The dialogue has some hilariously stupid moments where your eyes will widen and you'll ask out loud, "Did they really just say that?"

Watch this if you have time to waste - and want to see an example of how not to make a monster movie. you can always stop watching when it sinks to any particularly pathetic low point.

Really, really bad.

The Ranch (2016–2020)

Unwatchable

[1/10 · 17 June 2019]

There genuinely is nothing to see here. A bunch of unhappy people keep saying "F**ck" and this is meant to somehow be a narrative. I tried to watch it because I was looking for a comedy series and Netflix offered this dross. It's got a repetitive and eerie, low-volume canned-laughter track that makes the entire "performance" an unpleasantly weird experience. Like watching deranged patents putting on a play in between whatever else keeps them busy. It's disturbingly bland, unfunny, empty, like watching a woman hug her long-dead baby while other people with bloodless, expressionless faces force silly grins and occasional sniggers at the spectacle. I can't watch any more than one episode.

The Accountant (2016)

The best movie that Ben Affleck has acted in.

[9/10 · 1 May 2019]

I have watched this movie about five times and cannot fault the performers. The story is very imaginative and well presented. Good production - where even the night-time scenes are perfectly lighted, for a change. Sound was remarkable.

Not usually a fan of Anna Kendrick, I was very surprised in my first viewing that I really enjoyed her performance. Kudos to the script writer/s for not falling into the rut that I expected with Kendrick and Affleck. From the kids acting as the young brothers to the homesteaders, Frank and Delores, the supporting actors were credible and natural.

A really solid product which I will regard as a classic. I don't think Affleck will top this - but who knows?

Two Graves (I) (2018)

Mostly Drivel

[2/10 · 1 May 2019]

A very predictable and dull movie where every character is very unlikable, shallow and generally idiotic. Accordingly I had no interest in the well-being of any of them and watched the story plod through to its dreary end. Dozens of silly old cliches - including the ancient one where two characters grapple - with one of them holding a gun, it "somehow" gets fired, they freeze instantly (like inexperienced actors and directors believe gunshot victims always do) and we wait to see which of them has been shot. The whole story is this unimaginative and unrealistic.And identically, ANYONE who gets shot in the this trashy movie freezes in shocked silence.

The frequent, gratuitous, deep bass sounds inserted for atmosphere are ridiculously amateurish.

I regret wasting my time on this move, giving it a rating of 2, which means I watched it to the end and despised it. (1 is reserved for garbage that I stop watching before it ends).

Van der Merwe (2017)

Absolute rubbish!

[1/10 · 5 April 2019]

One star. This is a score I reserve for any movie that I can't tolerate long enough to watch to the end. The "script" is nonsense. The acting is atrocious. It's not slapstick, or over the top - it's just empty. This drivel doesn't even raise a weak smile. What a waste of time, money and effort. There is not a single redeemable feature in this bucket of sludge.

Your Son (2018)

If weak characters make you feel superior ...

[2/10 · 14 March 2019]

This is a story about various weak, miserable, unlikeable characters that stumble from one depressing but predictable event to another. And it makes you feel superior to them, then this is the movie for you.

If I had to find any redeemable characters, with a gun to my head I might say that the young "villains" (on both sides) are merely shallow and that the protagonist's daughter is only moody and uncommunicative. Everyone else is even gloomier, apathetic and annoyingly; particularly stupid. This script was written by someone who has lost any creativity and yet needs to put bread on the table. Since no competent director can draw blood from a stone, the same, dried out husk of a writer then directs this deplorable, protracted piece of misery.

A movie doesn't have to be an extravaganza of intelligence, or action, or drama, or intrigue, or inventiveness, or beauty, or interest. But give us traces of SOMETHING, at least!

Absolute garbage. The only reason I give this two stars is that I reserve single stars for those movies that I am unable to watch to the end.

The Bad Batch (2016)

Surprisingly Good.

[6/10 · 21 July 2018]

After watching this film for the first time, I decided to wait a while before saying anything about it. After two months, I watched it again and decided that this was well worth a second view.

The story is pretty typical for the genre of undesirables exiled to a wasteland. Yes, some felt compelled to resort to cannibalism as the easier strategy. And yet, there's a haven of sorts, if one is willing to find it.

The lead character, played by Suki Waterhouse, does an admirable job - but Jim Carrey is the real surprise - dramatically entertaining in a completely unexpected role. Even Keanu Reeves' portrayal of a dubious but benevolent "desert sultan", replete with breeding harem. is spot on. An agreeable fellow who is just too smooth to be truly likable. Jason Momoa's character remains an unpredictable cut-throat who may or may not turn out to be one of the most depraved amongst these outcasts.

I would be tempted to rate the film higher if the story had been a little more imaginative. Kudos to the director for coping with the harsh environment - and the in-camera special effects that largely took care of the scenes that required them. I'll be happy to upgrade my rating in future, if I find that the film continues to grow on me.

The Skin of the Wolf (2017)

A Coarse Peasant Eats and Ruts ...

[1/10 · 21 July 2018]

... like a free-range boar, except that he possesses enough vocabulary to occasionally give his woman some basic commands.

The character is played to perfection, if the intention is to portray a dull, unimaginative oaf who has not grasped the elementary basics of cohabiting with even one other human being, aside from "mating" with her crudely and evidently, quite painfully, according to the reaction of the object of his short-spanned attention.

The story is predictable and uninteresting - and I found no merit in it at all. The actors did everything that the director apparently wanted, so they cannot be faulted. I was unable to find any redeeming features other than the filming location - but that is not sufficient to earn more than one star. In my book, that rates it as unwatchable.

Interstellar (2014)

Beautiful pictures, moronic story.

[3/10 · 9 July 2018]

This is some kind of liberal's rescue story for saving mankind from themselves as a result of their environmental sins. As is all too common these days, the script-writing was left to terminally-lazy intellects who could simply not make the effort to write even a vaguely credible physical background to a poorly contrived plot. So we are left with what will become one of the most infamously badly construed sciency "love stories" (which is only the director's opinion - and he failed at getting that right as well).

This movie was a massive disappointment.